behold the beauty.

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; in the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.

It's amazing to me how desires can change when the heart changes. It's like my dad always says, "You can't have what you want, change what you want." Say it low and quick and it sounds just like him.

All I used to strive for was survival. Surviving life and all of its ups and downs. Now I really have the desire to be in this place where I can behold. To behold the beauty of God, in all His plans and loving desires for His creation. To understand more about Him and to know Him more.

Some days I look to Him every time I catch myself stumbling, other days it's as if every part of me wants to try to do it on my own. I never understood this nature until I had toddlers. Now I get it. I get how God loves us and in His sovereignty provides for us and helps us through hard times.

The internal battle of life really came down to one thing for me: conflict that comes from unfulfilled desire. Desire for peace, unity, love, quiet, calm, adventure, control, whatever it is.

It's the idea that we want something else, something we don't have. It's as if after the fall of man, we have this natural desire, or better yet, a yearning or longing for something that we just can't figure out.

I've seen this desire take over in peoples lives in ways they don't even recognize. These natural, created desires for unity and companionship. And subsequently the conflict that comes from not being able to have unity and companionship that is true and pure in the way we want it.

The only true companionship and unity we can have is in the Lord. Deep in our souls. We try to connect our souls to others on our own, finding something to worship, something to live for. Something or someone that might give us hope but inevitably will fail us. A relationship, a career, an education, a person, ourselves. It really can be anything.

But I've determined that this journey of seeking this true unity and companionship is what drives our passion for music, love, our job, and ultimately life. We were created to seek this out and find it somewhere. If we choose to ignore our need for spiritual unity and companionship we try to compensate in other ways. And, of course, this leads to our spiritual demise which carries physical, emotional, and intellectual consequences.

If you have this longing, you might consider asking God what it is and see if a relationship with Him will help fulfill these deep unmet desires. I would say something catchy here but honestly I bet my life on this and all my desires have been met because of it. Desires I didn't even know I had.

And now when I read about being in the presence of the Lord, it's as if something inside of me just leaps and says YES! I want that.