for married ladies only, please

I feel like I should be whispering this post...but I'm going to just be bold (haha, get it? bold, like bold)...okay, I'm nervous. Hence the stupid jokes. Here we go.

It was a little over three years ago, Adam and I took this Dave Ramsey course for money management and how to glorify God with your budgeting while having peace about your finances. (Holla! I know some of you have taken this!)

A w e s o m e. Totally blessed us!

It got me thinking a lot about how often money is a problem in marriage. How many couples have issues in their relationships regarding respect, appreciation, communication that all come from how they handle money.

Now, I'm not looking to reopen any wounds or start any wars. But this thinking led me to evaluate other areas in marriage... that most couples struggle with...... that we are not talking about as Christian women...
Yes, I'm talking about sex.

Early on in my marriage, my husband and I were both full time students and working full time jobs. And then, God brought a toddler into our lives who needed a home on top of all the busyness we had on our plate. As you might be able to conclude, our first year of marriage was a little crazy. And by crazy, I mean stressful.

Life looked a little something like this...husband and wife passing by each other a couple times a day, calling or texting when they could. Running errands, going here and there, taking the little one where she needed to go, etc. All the while not really making the time for each other that was necessary. Honestly, it was like being roommates with occasional benefits! haha...ha...not funny
Those benefits didn't happen as often as they should have. You know what I'm sayin'.

At the end of the day we were tired. Wanting to relax and unwind. We wanted our sweatpants, snacks, maybe a beer (or glass of wine ;) ), and some peace and quiet. And by we, I mean mostly me. Sometimes a we. But mostly a me.

How does the need for rest and peace at the end of a long day work with having a valuable conversation and involving your spouse in your everyday struggles, laughs, and other stories that make your spouse feel included?
Well, it doesn't.
So, occasional benefits + lack of involvement in life + lack of communication = romantic union, not

Our bedroom was an office, a couch, sometimes a place of grooming (nails, hair, etc.), but rarely was it the romantic environment it needed to be.
And guess what I told myself? It was fine. I was fine.
"We were fine." ....= Lie

Truth: we were not fine.

Not only was I not comfortable talking about it, I was in complete denial when I did communicate.

Now, after almost eight years of marriage, I will say I needed to share more of myself with my husband. Much like budgeting your money (thank you Dave Ramsey), you and your husband need to also communicate about maintaining your...love? haha! Really though! SEX.

You should be communicating about your needs, his needs, what's working, what's not, and these "budget committee meetings" that Dave Ramsey says are a must for managing your budget...well, the same applies to your sex life! I'm serious.

Talk about your insecurities, your embarrassments, your fears. Talk about your past and how it might be affecting your present. Talk about what you want for your future. And reward each other for being open and honest! :) ;) And by "reward"...I mean sex. haha!

Have these talks regularly. As often as you need to discuss money, you should be discussing sex. And not only is communication key, but behavior is a huge part of this! Have fun! Smile. Be confident. You were designed for your spouse. And he was designed for you. Enjoy! :) And if your bedroom serves as a multi-purpose room, then find a way to make it more hospitable for marriage at bedtime. Nice sheets, lighting, candles, whatever. Make an effort!

Stop lying to yourself. You're not fine! And remember that God blesses you when you put your spouse first and love him more than yourself. If you find yourself struggling, pray about it. If you are more guarded at first than open (like me), ask that God will give you an opportunity (and the boldness) to talk to your mate! (Mate, hah! maaaate :)) And when you do talk, also ask questions. Listen. Let your guard down and trust that God will bless you for your obedience. And speak up if your needs are not being met.

Sex is meant to bring unity and intimacy. It is part of God's design for husband and wife so you both are not tempted to sin beyond what you can handle. Your intimate life should be pure, honored and sacred because it is a holy union under God. And in this holiness, we are called to celebrate each other! We are called to be available to each other.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.

Scripture is clear about sex between husband and wife. It's supposed to happen!
The only legitimate excuse to withhold your body from your spouse is for fasting and that is with the agreement of your husband. But guess what it says after that? Come together again!!! We come up with so many excuses but the truth is, it's wrong! Morally and biblically wrong.
I know there are times when we all really don't feel like being intimate, but it should be discussed and prayed about. Your marriage is unique to you and your husband but it should be satisfying for both you and your husband. Equally. And don't tell yourself "you're fine" or "he's fine", when deep in your heart...you feel what I'm saying right now.

We, as Christian women, should be in the most sexually satisfying relationships because we are doing it God's way! ...(holds back laughter)...

Oh, lighten up! I see you, judgy wife. I used to be you, all uptight and quiet about sex...

You might be a little more stressed out than you think. You might be like me and tell yourself, "I'm fine. Everything is good. There's nothing to talk about." Meanwhile, you're a little more grouchy than usual. You tend to overthink conversations or disagreements. Maybe little things are bothering you and you just can't figure out why. You find that you're a little too serious about life.

Yup. You need some of that sweet man that God gave you. So, go get some.
And by "some"...


I mean sex.

sacrifices & seasons of difficulty

My manly husband, Adam, is a nurse. That's right! A wonderful, caring, strong nurse. I will admit, when I met him I didn't think anything about his majoring in Nursing relating with his level of masculinity. But I was a little shocked at the jokes and comments about how this was a woman's role...*shrug* I thought he looked cute in the scrubs! Plus, um hello?! He wanted to take care of others for a living, AND these people were SICK. I mean...I couldn't do it.
And his masculinity wasn't really something to question in my mind. ;)

Anyway. The required classes before Nursing School were no big deal when we were courting and even shortly after we got married. We'd walk together, holding hands, on our way to class...completely unaware of what was to come.
Nursing school.
Over a year and a half long (but it felt a lot longer).

Now, don't get me wrong. This was a fabulous opportunity. Adam was excited and had been waiting since his youth to learn the things he was going to learn. However, nursing school + a new marriage + normal life = a very difficult season.
Here's a picture of us almost halfway through school, still smiling (by the grace of God). I didn't have a picture of one of our "difficult times" at home! "Hold on, honey. I know you're upset and so am I, but let me go grab the camera!" Haha!

Seriously though, we hardly saw each other, and when we did, it was difficult to jump into being best friends. We were still learning each other (and now I know, we will always be learning), but he would literally be unable to even discuss things for days at a time. It made our marriage move to second and sometimes third priority in our life together. We had the desire to live for the Lord but were in a season that kept us from being the married couple we wanted to be.

Have you ever had one of those seasons where your marriage really can't be first? Isn't it awful? You smile for the camera, sure, but home-life was a different story. Home was hard. Not impossible, just hard.

I mean, I don't make my marriage first all the time now, but I have the ability to. In the "nursing school season", I will say, if Adam was going to make it through and graduate, there would be days when our relationship wouldn't get what it needed. Our communication would be lacking. And honestly, we were not going to be able to make the time for each other that husband and wife should.

Thankfully, (and here's the happy moment, the sigh of relief) nursing school, itself, was just a season.
We had hope. We could count down the days until it was over. And we frequently counted them. We took comfort in the idea of having more time together later. We knew we could make it through with the help of our Lord, just being patient and waiting for things to change while still living life.

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Difficult seasons happen for everyone. I am not here to say that if you're going through a difficult season that this is not God's will, but rather to evaluate why you are in this season. Is it necessary to meet an end goal? Is it something God has put in your life for a time to test you or possibly push you in the way you ought to go? Or is this your own doing for your own purpose? Have you prayed about this difficulty? Do you have peace or are you just numb and disconnected from reality?
I ask because I've been there.

But here's the concern...I have noticed that some families get a little too comfortable in their difficult season. They take on too many jobs or ministries. They sign their kids up for too many activities. They do not schedule regular alone time for their marriage. They focus on their daily needs and don't really have a plan for changing this difficulty in the future. Near or far.

Not only is this dangerous for your marriage but it is exactly what Satan wants. We, as women, are so good at keeping ourselves busy without even really trying. It just happens. Which is why we have to prioritize and sometimes sacrifice. If Satan can get us in a routine that is harming our Godly priorities, he will.

If something doesn't work for your family or marriage, stop doing it. If something in your life can be removed that is causing more harm than good to your God-given roles, remove it. In raising children, we have to constantly make decisions about how busy their life will be. And in loving our spouses, we have to decide what will be sacrificed so that we can have the connection husband and wife were created to have.

If you're in a difficult season and nothing really can be sacrificed, then you and your husband can cry out together. Guaranteed, however frustrated you are, he feels the same level of frustration.

Communicate. Let this season of difficulty be something that strengthens your marriage. We are promised to have difficult times, but they are meant to refine us. Make us more of His design. If the difficulty is driving a wedge between you and your mate, I would say that the wedge might need to be evaluated. You should be able to cry out to the Lord together during difficulties. You should be able to pray with each other about seasons of strife. And ultimately, you should trust that God will provide a situation for you that your marriage can handle.

James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

God didn't bring difficulties into your life by mistake. God wants us to learn to endure to become His perfect result lacking nothing. Imagine how strong your marriage will be at the end of this hardship. These trials are part of His beautiful design for both you and your husband. However, you need to decide if this difficulty is something unavoidable that God really brought to refine you OR if it is a consequence of a choice or behavior that is not part of God's design for your marriage and family.

Maybe you don't have enough energy for your husband at the end of your day, thus causing you to make excuses for not having time for intimacy. Maybe you don't have enough money for the lifestyle you're choosing but keep spending anyway. Or possibly, you're not making enough time for your children and the relationships are not as close as they should be. Maybe you're struggling with something that is avoidable.

My question to you is, will this ever end? You have to plan to make your husband first priority. You have to plan to have your children involved in the right activities while not sacrificing your family time together.
Something is always sacrificed for your priorities. We cannot do or have it all. Maybe we should sacrifice over-involvement for intimacy. Fellowship with friends for family time. Something really "cute" yet expensive for financial peace.

We must plan the life we want. We have to make sure our priorities are in alignment with what God says in His word. And most importantly, we are called to trust Him when difficulties come that were, in fact, unavoidable and part of His design.

silly expectations & entitlement

I love my dishwasher. lalalala love! I love that it has lots of places for different types of dishes and that it has enough room in it for the dishes that I really don't want to wash by hand. I love that I only have to half-clean most of my dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I love all the settings...the list goes on. Wanna know what I love most? That it hides dirty dishes AND cleans them while I'm sleeping. Talk about efficient. Awesome.

Nothing says, "Cheryl, you're going to have a wonderful day!" like a clean kitchen and clean dishes just waiting to be used in the morning!
Or, "Wake up, Cheryl! This is the day that the Lord has made and He also made your dishwasher!"

Praise the Lord for appliances, right ladies?!

However, I'm sure you've all been there...but have you ever had one of those crazy-busy days where the dishes just pile and pile and somehow you manage to end the day without doing them and miraculously the angels of Heaven do not come down and wash them in the middle of the night?...(rabbit trail) Have you ever seen the movie "The Sword in the Stone" where the dishes wash themselves?!?!?!?! I bet that's how Heaven is...OR the women who love doing dishes will do them, but either way, my heaven-assigned placement for His glory will not be at the sink.
(alright, bring it back Cheryl)

Ahem*
So, this busy day ends, the next day comes and you walk into your kitchen where the dirty dishes are literally on every surface and you don't even know where to begin. This happens almost weekly in my home, and yet, I'm still a little surprised (and overwhelmed) every time.
Why did I expect the dishes to be clean? Why did I think my kitchen would be organized and ready to use? I didn't clean it. I didn't wash anything. Oh yeah! And I love to somehow blame my family for this?!
This isn't about cleaning your kitchen or whose fault it is that something didn't get accomplished. This is about the expectation that we have of deserving something we didn't work toward having. And it's also about blaming others for our lack of good choices.

There's an entitlement movement that is paralyzing our young people right now. This sense of getting something we want regardless of having sacrificed anything to earn it.

We want a great friend but are not loyal ourselves. We look forward to having a happy marriage but do not choose to be attracted to the qualities that matter. We want the management position but blame others for our lack of hard work. There are so many examples that come to mind but since my first priority of ministry is my marriage, I'll focus this message on the most important relationship we have with another human.
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How can we expect to have a husband who is faithful if we are not faithful ourselves? Or if we don't value faithfulness in looking for a husband?
I know many young ladies who choose to fancy a lad that doesn't display the desire to love the Lord first but even going a little more practical, doesn't love his family? Doesn't have a longing to do what is right? I think it's interesting that most ladies want a man to be pure in his thoughts and actions, to be someone they could have a lasting relationship with, but yet they'll shiver with excitement when a hooligan-young whippersnapper comes along and tempts them with words, promises, flattery, inappropriate touching or joking, etc. And yes, I said whippersnapper and hooligan because I am 85 years old.
Really ladies?!
Are you really that easy?
The answer is yes. Your heart shouldn't be your guide. I don't care how he makes you feel.
You don't deserve to have a good marriage if you're not willing to sacrifice worldly pleasure for holy matrimony.

Take that in.
This is mostly for the single, young ladies out there. A warning for your future if you currently are being driven by your heart.

The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure."...this is scary. The world tells us to follow our hearts, guess who that is talking? Not the Lord.

Reality check: why are you entitled to something you haven't worked for? Why should a student deserve an "A" if they're acting like a "B" student or even a failing student?

If you think you deserve the management position in your workplace, act like it! Show up early, leave late, work hard, and get along.
If you want a true friend, be a true friend. Call, write, pray, meet, etc. Be there for them in times that it is inconvenient for you. Think of them first.
If you want a marriage that is joyful, close, understanding, and forgiving, be these things first. Look for the hint of them in a young man, but more importantly look for a man who desires to please the Lord first and most. DON'T look for a guy who follows his heart.
If you have a hard time being a hard worker, good friend, or wise young woman - Seek the Lord. Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

So, guess what? Your focus might be off.

And for the married woman, guess what? You're married.
Be married. Stop acting single. Or worse, stop desiring to be single. Celebrate your marriage by being the type of spouse you'd like to have. Seek after the Lord for reassurance, companionship, and love. And after the Lord has satisfied you (and believe me, He will), anything your spouse does that is loving will just be an added bonus.

Stop talking about what you deserve. Instead, shift the focus to what you are doing to deserve what you want.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go wash my dishes. :)

words that kill vs. the sovereignty of God

Two little words that are the source of discontentment: what if

What if I lived in a house like that? 

What if I made more money?

What if I had better parents?

What if ______ would not have happened to me?

What if I married someone else?

What if I didn't have kids?

What if ______ would have happened?

What if my life could have been ____?

We all have one. Or two.

But we question the deepest parts of our lives...the situations and decisions of the past can haunt people into their present and future. Maybe at first you're content with the decision but you start to wonder later, especially when things get difficult or even unbearable.

What about a situation that happened that you have deemed unfair. A childhood filled with abuse, neglect, drugs, sex (gasp), yeah I said it. 

Whatever it is, we all have something we question, how would life be if things were changed just a little?

Just a little tweak. Nothing serious.

And oh how we wish we could have that power.

________________

Today I asked my ten year old daughter if she could describe me in one word, what would it be and why? I know. I'm an idiot.

Ya know, as I asked this question I remembered the devotional that encouraged moms everywhere to do this with their children as a way to better understand how you are coming across to them. But truly, I was wanting to physically grab my words and shove them way back down, deep into me as soon as I asked...but, it was too late. She was thinking...
So then!
I decided to prepare myself. What will she say?

I tried stalling by telling her to think about it for a while and that she can say whatever she wants and I will not be happy or upset by the description just that I want to better understand how she sees me.

And do you want to know what that dear child said?
Brave.

She said, "Brave." With absolute certainty. BRAVE?!

I will encourage all mothers to do this, everywhere. Now, not so much with toddlers, but children over the age of five should have enough experience with the lack of motherly patience, kindness, etc. etc. that they should be able to come up with at least three times you were both naughty and nice. Hah! Three give or take a thousand.

But really, do it! Because it's not the word they choose, but the reason why that God will hug you with.

She said, "You're not afraid to do what's right. You stand up for yourself and other people. I think you're brave because you're not afraid to stand up against people who are drunk all the time. I mean, you took me into your home even though my family still wanted me, and you made sure I would be safe. You're just not afraid of people who drink."

And as she said those words, IT hit me. I'm not afraid. And she was.
And the reason I'm not afraid is because God's promise...
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

All these visuals came flooding into my mind... I have had many confrontations with drunk people. And I have grown to be very strong in certain situations. And finally, it all comes together. It all makes sense.

My daughter admires me for something I used to wish I could change about myself, I'll write that again...my child loves and admires me for something I used to daydream about changing...
the sovereignty of God is where the "what if" turns into a "thank You, Lord"!

Thank You, God for making me into someone she trusts to take care of her. Thank You for taking all my, "what if's" and using them to help others. Thank You for helping me to see and understand just how big and awesome You are in my life. And thank You that I will keep seeing and understanding more and more as each day passes.

<3

a healthy heart & a beautiful figure

Our bodies are made in the image of our Lord. They are beautiful. To be cherished and taken care of... holy, righteous.
However, some of us struggle with weight, which is problematic to our health. It is not wrong to want to improve your health by working out, losing a little weight, having specific health goals, etc. as long as you keep the right perspective about beauty in mind.
BEAUTY isn't reflected by our image. The Bible says that beauty is reflected in our hearts. God only looks at our heart. And what is in our heart comes out of our mouth and controls our hands.

If we have an addiction to food, that is a heart problem. If we have an obsession with being skinny, that is a heart problem.
With this in mind, trying to become healthy starts in your heart. Health goals should include strengthening your heart and focusing on the truth of your beauty.
We are so obsessed with being skinny, and thinking that skinny = healthy, skinny = beautiful,
OR that skinny is open for public discussion.

Why! Why is it that when a woman is slim, people feel the desire and right to discuss her body openly?
I have literally been dealing with "too skinny" comments for weeks now. Why do we feel like we have the right to openly comment about how skinny someone looks? I'm sure I have ignorantly been at fault once or twice in this department. However, in the last ten years, I have been made aware of the consequences of these casual comments which ultimately reveal and strengthen a deeper, more troubling problem.

On a more personal note, I have been trying to GAIN weight for my health. That's right. And before you laugh, read on...I'm underweight. It has brought me to tears on more than one occasion...it's critical to my health and the health of my breastfeeding son, that I gain weight NOW. I have been eating extra meals, extra protein, working out some for strength, trying to rest as much as I can,  keeping hydrated, snacking on all the right foods, but all in all I have been struggling with my own insecurities of how I look and feel.
I have to focus on what God says about my body regularly.
Everytime I go to the closet, I have to keep in mind, the clothes may not fit or may not look flattering but God will provide for and take care of me. My husband loves me and the way I look (and feel ;)). And I just need to keep doing all I can. Don't give up. Keep trying!
It's easy to get discouraged when I'm trying so hard, and I check the scale and have lost two more pounds...meanwhile, this is the third week I have had "body" comments in a row from different women. I have grown to almost taste the bitterness of the word, "skinny". As soon as someone says it, I cringe a little.

Should we know everyone's issues? Well, no. But maybe we should be a little more understanding that every woman has her struggle of heart, mind, body and soul. Every person has to work at their health, no matter what they look like.

And really, as Christians, we should be more focused on the beauty of our hearts than our bodies. We should consider each others burdens and respect each others issues. And we should love ourselves and take care of ourselves because God created us in a special way and cares for us deeply.

I am beautiful. I am made in God's image. I am working at my health. I will respect others. And I will define how I think of beauty and what I think is attractive based on what the Lord. And I truly hope that those of you who have wrong ideas about health and beauty can take a minute and ask God what He says. Look to His Word.

He will transform your heart and give you beauty beyond what you can imagine.
He will transform your heart and help you make healthy decisions.