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But a few months in, you're wondering what the flip happened?! You married this awesome guy, you both love the Lord, you were super excited about your whole intimate journey but then BAM...everything changes and all of the sudden, sex isn't as easy as you expected.
And then at some point sex isn't happening. (at least not as often as you or your husband thought) Maybe it's after a month, maybe a year, maybe ten years. But this happens in every marriage at some point.
It seems like with any big stage in life, from honeymoon to menopause, our bodies are constantly changing things up for us. It is a constant guessing game about how our lady parts work and whether or not what we are doing is actually satisfying.
Hormone changes, health issues, pregnancy, and the aftermath of giving birth are all areas where sex is going to feel different based on the condition of your body. This is normal. The only way to make it through the sexual roller coaster of managing "sexpectations" (expectations about sex) is by communicating with each other, seeking understanding of one another, and praying for yourself, your spouse, and your bedroom. If one of these three areas is missing, eventually your sex life becomes your sex death. The lack of intimacy between you and your spouse will create other problems in your marriage and can eventually kill the entire relationship.
I have heard from many married women that sex isn't enjoyable.
Bummer! Sex is supposed to be amazing! God created sex to be shared in the bond and union of marriage. There is commitment, security, and connection here that doesn't happen anywhere else. Anyone who has committed sexual sin, knows that it's not satisfying. Sex is only satisfying when it's carried out God's way, because it's not just physical. It's emotional and spiritual.
I say this a lot, (and will keep saying it until it catches on) but as married Christians, we should be the most sexually satisfied people walking the planet.
The truth is, when we don't communicate about sex with our spouse, don't try to understand each other and completely ignore our responsibility to pray for our marriage...guess what? Sex isn't satisfying and all of the sudden, your secular cravings take over and you start to believe the lie that your sex life would be better outside of God's design. In creeps adultery and temptation that hurts.
Ladies, we talk about everything from hair style ideas and bargain shopping to easy 3-step recipes and how to make diy seat covers. Why do we hold back conversation with our husbands about what's really important? Who cares about the weather? Or what your summer plans might look like?
If you're not having regular intimacy time in your marriage, something is wrong. If you're not satisfied with your sex life, you should know why and try to improve. This is not an area of your marriage you can afford to ignore. If you do, I'm afraid you're not doing your job as your husband's companion. And worse, you're missing out on the incredible blessing of marriage that God designed for you to have.
So, let's start with the talking part.
Communicate with your spouse
No! Communication doesn't mean saying you don't feel like it tonight.
I mean actual communication with words about what feels good, bad, worse, better, and what to try next time. What you're thinking about, what you're struggling with, what lies you've been taught, your insecurities, etc. I have recently been made aware that many married women, regardless of age and years of marital "bliss", have never had an open sex-talk with their husband.
BAHIDEJSKLDSIXHWSNWHAT?
Sorry, my fingers just spazzed out from shock. Never!? Some have been married five months, five years, or five decades and they have never talked about sex with their husband. Best case scenario that's a lot of sex with almost no feedback. (scary) Worst case scenario, no sex and no feedback. (sad)
Newsflash, your man doesn't actually know what it is like to be a woman. Go figure. He needs a little direction. And God bless him, he really does want to please you. So, help him out by talking about your body.
My prayer is that these words will encourage you to identify what is holding you back from communicating, help open up communication between you and your spouse, and give you the confidence you need to fight off lies and insecurities to be the woman and spouse God intended you to be.
Imagine that you and your spouse dreamt about eating a steak dinner. Years of dreaming about steak. So, you plan to make it together for the first time. (the food and sex comparison just makes sense to me)
Now, with a little bit of research and heresy, you decided to go buy the steak, seasonings, side dishes and everything you dreamt of when fantasizing about this delicious meal. You both get in the kitchen and realize you have NO IDEA what you're doing but you're gonna wing it! So, hey! We're makin steak, baby!
You get out a pan, or a dish and start preparing and cooking food, but really you're guessing the whole way through. You're laughing and enjoying the prep, but you're really looking forward to eating the meal and enjoying it! Eventually, the meal is cooked and ready to eat.
And then you both eat and don't say one. word. about. it. Now, you both finish the meal, but still no feedback about what it was like.
Are you getting this? NO feedback?
Was it good? Was it overcooked? Should we prepare it differently next time? Maybe one of you finished first. Maybe one of the sides was too much for one of you. Maybe try a different side next time. Maybe grill instead of bake, etc. There are many different ways to enjoy a delicious steak.
(this was a good analogy)
Without feedback, you really cannot improve. For your sake or your spouses.
Sex is a subject that should be discussed regularly in your marriage. And all of the details that go with it! How you feel, what you struggle with and perhaps why something is difficult for you, what you enjoy, when you were embarrassed, etc. Physical intimacy is a big part of feeling comfortable with your spouse. Regular touching and affection, but also talking about these things, asking questions about what your husband likes or dislikes, and giving balanced feedback about your experience (positive feedback and areas of improvement, both are important).
Once the communication is happening, you can move into the motive...understanding one another. Communication is not about tearing each other down, it's about building each other up. Improving your connection and making an effort to know your spouse better. This is the area where you should know and understand your spouse best.
Understanding yourself & your mate
Past exposure to sex has a big impact on how you view yourself, your partner, and even how comfortable you are looking at your own body (let alone, sharing your body). Being able to discuss these issues and receive healing can take time, however God (the Almighty, Sovereign, Amazing God that He is) chose your spouse and knows your past. It is His desire for you to share your whole self (body, mind, heart and soul) with your spouse. It is His desire for you to be healed and part of that healing comes from establishing a healthy sex life NOW with your husband. Whether it was exposure to sex before marriage, or a rough start to your happy-ever-after, being able to let go of past hurts, experiences, abuses, etc. and move on to victory with your companion is the goal! You want your marriage to do well? Your husband should know what your boundaries are and why. Even if you have hurt from your spouses past exposure, this will hold you back in your marriage.
A healthy sex life for your marriage depends on understanding one another. Communicating about the past needs to be safe, open, and if necessary forgiven. This is the only way to move forward and create a healthy environment for you and your spouse to experiment with and understand each other. This forgiveness can allow the freedom necessary to move forward and create a sex life that works for both you and your spouse.
If you're single, as in not married (a lot of this article will be helpful for you in the future), your current struggle might be that you're in a sexually sinful situation right now. Whether you're having sex outside of marriage or practicing sinful habits that you believe will disappear when you're married, you are in a struggle right now that will hurt your future.
There are consequences to participating in sexual sin. No matter the kind.
If your desire is to honor the Lord, get out of the sinful situation you're in. Stop watching pornography or reading R-rated romance novels. Stop having sex with men who are not your husband. Stop masturbating and fantasizing about fictitious characters. Stop dreaming about another ladies' man. Just stop! These habits don't go away when you're married. Marriage is NOT a quick-fix to a sinful pattern. Your sinful pattern will affect your marriage in the future if there is no repentance.
Communication for you single ladies needs to happen between you and your Savior. You need to repent of this sin and create healthy habits now that will bless your marriage. Ask the Lord to help you stay away from sexual sin. And try to understand yourself now (why you struggle with this particular issue) so that when the time comes for you to go on your honeymoon, you can be confident and open with your husband and move forward successfully. Until you are married, guard your heart, mind, body, and soul for your future spouse. They are precious and will be very precious to him.
For us married ladies, our current struggle can be health issues, hormones, pregnancy, weight gain, poor nutrition, lack of exercise, lack of motivation, etc. This is our problem. We don't look like we used to and it bothers us.
Well, guess what? Your spouse wants you AND you can work at your body and attitude toward sex. Whether you struggle with confidence, initiation, desire, positive affirmation, etc. you can work at these things.
Start by having sex with your husband! (this will be the solution to many of the problems mentioned in this entry)
Really, though. Initiate by telling him you want him! (Especially make comments in the morning so that he's thinking about YOU all day)
Your confidence booster will come when you know your man is satisfied and it's all because of you.
Some other simple ways to work on being more confident are to relax, laugh at yourself, smile more often, love your body and all your baby-making/ baby-having curves! Just own where you are right now and make a healthy goal for yourself in order that you feel more confident.
Maybe you don't struggle with confidence, but rather desire. This could be your hormones or a health condition, however, you still have a role in your husband's life that no one else should fulfill. If your husband isn't coming to you for sexual satisfaction, that's a problem. If he is coming to you, talk to him about what you're feeling. Explain how it may not be satisfying or enjoyable because of what you're feeling physically. You are not the first woman to feel this way. If there is a physical problem causing you to have little or no desire to have sex with your husband, this should be discussed.
Sex should be enjoyable for both spouses. Talk to your husband about different ideas on how to change things up to possibly make them more comfortable or enjoyable. Also, you could ask your doctor about anything that could cause your lady to be "disagreeable". You both can feel confident that your goal is the same. You want to satisfy, understand, and enjoy each other. This is a great place to start!
Praying
This is the most overlooked area in your marriage! Praying about sex. Honestly, the idea totally threw me the first time I heard it. But really, it's a game-changer.
As Christians who are submitting to the Lord by keeping your marriage pure and undefiled, you want to create a safe place for satisfying intimacy for both you and your spouse. You make all the effort necessary to communicate to your spouse, research together, discuss ideas, understand each other better, and still, something isn't working quite right. This is when we pray.
- Pray for the right balance of purity and freedom.
- Pray for the opportunity when you both have time and energy.
- Pray for the kids to go to sleep early.
- Pray for the confidence you need in order to share your whole self with your spouse.
- Pray for the physical desire to have physical intimacy with your mate.
- Pray that there is forgiveness and grace covering your relationship.
- Pray that sex is satisfying for both you and your spouse.
Your desire for your spouse is Godly. Your desire to enjoy each other and know each other intimately is holy. What you are trying to accomplish, God is waiting to bless!
But, because there can be sin here, past hurts and experiences that grip us at our core...we have to pray. This is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battle. We should be praying for ourselves and our husbands. Whatever issues are specific to your marriage can be prayers you take to the Lord and let Him handle. God wants to see your marriage succeed and will bless you if you are faithful to love your spouse and make an effort!
What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Happy marriage everyone. Now, go be fruitful.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
