having heartache & healing hope

(Source)

I remember my first few heartbreaks. The times when my heart actually ached.

One heartbreak I won't forget was the feeling of abandonment when my father left our family. My family didn't turn out to be what I thought it was. I remember thinking that I was on my own, when I really shouldn't and didn't want to be. I would be tossed back and forth for the next several years with the understanding that I was an inconvenience. I learned to stay out of the way and take care of myself, even if I did a poor job.
This made me an incredibly strong person, who's able to see clearly even when emotions are high. It also made me appreciate how God wanted to hear from me all the time. I wasn't an inconvenience to Him.
My papa and I have a very close understanding of each other now. I am very thankful for the work the Lord has done in both of us.

I met a boy when I was young that I really believed was the one. Of course, my belief was mostly based on hormones and circumstances, however it was a deep deep belief. Hah! Oh, to be young.
Obviously, he was not the man God had for me. But it took many years for me to figure that out. I spent a long time waiting. And I always dreamt he would finally fall for me and that we would live happily ever after, but actually it never happened. We were never really comfortable with one another and I think it kept us both guarded, in the Lord's will. I went on to have other dating relationships where I was so guarded that no one dared to try to figure me out.
Until my husband came along. I wasn't confusing or difficult for him. And although my husband knows my heart very well, only God knows my whole being from the start. I can be completely comfortable with God and trust Him with my heart everything.
I never would have seen the amazing qualities in Adam, my husband of almost eight years, had I not seen what kind of man I did not want to be with. I knew what kind of man I needed and I could see how God was using Adam to love me and teach me about love.

The heartbreak that shaped me the most during my childhood, however, was the time I watched sin take over in my mom's life. At first, it was just selfish choices of partying, drugs, alcohol, and "having fun". Then it turned to sex, relationships and marriages that fell apart as quickly as they came together. Eventually, after an injury, her life turned into a tornado of prescriptions and operations that led to her being physically disabled. She became a person that she didn't even like. And she wasn't able to be the mom she wanted to be.
Her example was stamped on my heart and on every decision I ever made about the woman I was to become. Responsibility, integrity, achievement, and loyalty were all traits for which I would strive. My mom also showed me the reality of sin. I understood fully what sin does to the flesh and why God hates it so much.
My mother and I are able to have peace about the past and I truly forgive her for her choices. I know she loves me and I get weekly reminders when she calls to sing messages to me just to make me smile.

And now, in my life that I believe is the good consequence of decisions I've made combined with the overwhelming love and blessing of the Lord, I have very little heartache. I tried to design my life to have as little disappointment as possible. I know it sounds foolish, but I really did. People who suffer a great deal in their upbringing, I believe, can more clearly see the impact of their choices. There are a number of people who witnessed terrible things growing up and were deeply impacted in a positive way by it.

With every big decision, I have prayed about and really taken time to think about the outcome. Seeking wisdom helps to rule out foolish living. But there's only so much control we actually have over our lives.
Turns out, disappointments of a certain kind are unavoidable. And part of His design.

To have heartache that is a consequence of your decision, well that's one type of heartache. To have heartache that is the consequence of someone else's decision forced on you, that's another. But then there's the heartache that comes from something undeserved, unwanted, and unexpected. This type is the worst and most alarming. I can speak from personal experience.

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In 2010, I miscarried our first child. It was terrible. After years of looking forward to having a family, and already losing our first foster child to her family, we were disappointed to find out our baby didn't develop properly and died. However, the really hard part was that my body believed the pregnancy was still going and it was several weeks of waiting for the inevitable. I walked around with our child not growing inside of me for seven weeks.

Now, I know there are worse experiences with this from the stories of other mother's battles. I have heard of some of your own heartache. And I am so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

You find yourself making little goals that you think will keep you busy. To find that accomplishing these goals actually doesn't make you feel any better. Living your daily life with success doesn't make the pain go away. It still lingers.

Your friends and family won't want you to be in pain, but they can't take it away. And their efforts sometimes annoy you. You find yourself avoiding the people in your life because it just reminds you of your loss.
The grief you go through becomes your routine for a little while.

You have to recreate your life within the loss. You can't hide, ignore, or run from it.

Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

I know you feel like giving up. The pain is so overwhelming at times, it takes over your whole body.

A couple of months ago we started trying to have a baby. It usually takes us the better part of a year to get pregnant so we thought if we wanted to have another in the next couple years, we should start trying now.
Well, guess what? After only a few weeks of trying I was three days late.

*Ahem*
Exciting. Another baby, right? For us, this would be our fourth child. We miscarried once and adopted a little girl, so we have three children and have been pregnant three times. Got it? I know. It's confusing.
Well, call me crazy but I wasn't exactly overwhelmed with joy when I found out about this baby. I was happy! I was excited! But I also started thinking about the logistics of what this meant. Almost immediately, I began to plan out financially what the year would look like.
We'll need a new vehicle. We might need to change the bedrooms up a little, maybe our daughter might move downstairs. Hmm, we should probably finish the downstairs. If we have a little debt, we should be able to get rid of it after a few months. Maybe Adam can work a few extra shifts this summer.
And the list went on. And developed into a full plan. And a couple plan B's.
Then the morning sickness came. All throughout the day! Stupid, misleading name.

Altogether, my attitude stunk. I was trying to be thankful, but it didn't come naturally or easily.
I had to be deliberate in my gratitude.

Well, while I was redeveloping my fifteen year plan, God was doing something very different. I finally started to come around to truly loving and appreciating my little child developing inside of me, and that afternoon I started bleeding. Within the first week of my family finding out that we were having another child, we found out we were losing that child.
All the plans came to a screeching halt. Another baby died and now what do I do? What do we do?

Adam and I have a family now. It's not just about how I feel but how my children feel. How can I direct them through this if I don't know how to navigate myself? Not only that, but why do I feel such a loss this time? I have children. I should be thankful. Right?

I immediately felt sorry. I didn't appreciate this baby the way I should have. I didn't respond the way my little one deserved. I should have just enjoyed my child and been excited to meet them.
Loss brings feelings of guilt, I'm sure you can relate.

As I cried, and cried, and wept, I began to realize that death had come and life was going to keep going. With or without me.
All of life's distractions were actually little blessings (at times). They would get me out of bed when I felt like pulling the covers over my head again. I have three kids that need me, I can't just sit and grieve for days. Even if I really feel like it.
I can't give up. I can't grow weary even though I am weary.
But how can I keep going when the pain is still here?

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

The Lord is with me. Wherever I go. Even in my corner, in my tears, in this moment of loss and grief. He is with me.
I might be weary, but in my weakness He can will be strong. I can depend on His strength.

It took me years to understand my first miscarriage and how the Lord was using that to shape my life and marriage. It will be some time before I can see God's sovereignty in my second miscarriage, and just because I see how God is working, doesn't mean it makes it less painful.

One thing I know, in every loss of my life I have been able to know the presence of the Lord. His peace and rest He gives when I am really desperate.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

There is nothing wrong with pain. There is nothing wrong with grief. So, let's take the time we need to grieve. Your feeling of loss doesn't come from an ungrateful heart. Loss isn't something you can be thankful for right away, I think that would be called d e n i a l. You're in pain, and that's okay.

And when the pain doesn't go away as quickly as we had hoped, let's run to our loving Lord who wants to be there for us.
My prayer is that we will stop doing things to try and make it all better. It won't be better no matter what we accomplish. We have to live our lives and making goals is important, but it won't heal you.

Healing of the heart comes from the Creator of your heart. And sometimes, pain is part of His plan for our hearts.
When we struggle in our pain with anger, shame, guilt, hopelessness, frustration, and being overwhelmed...let's run to our Savior.
Let's live like Christians and actually go to Christ. Put our hope and trust in His perfect plan.

Let's be thankful for our lives AND grieve at the same time. Let's have pain and still praise the Lord. And in this balance, there will be healing.

the metronome & the Holy Spirit

Hey homeschool mom, what's up?

You know what I love? Piano lessons. The piano teacher gets all the smiles and laughter and us moms get the moaning and groaning of all the things they hate about practicing at home. I don't want to practice this long. I don't want to play the song this way. I just want to be done! Yes, child. I know how you feel.
Now, I know that music is great. And lessons are important. Check. Check.
However, it's the attitudes that we moms have to deal with that I'm talking about.

Really, at each recital, when do the parents get the applause from the children? It's not that I want recognition from anyone else, just my child. I just want my child to understand that it's their hard work, talent, and their parents for pushing them that deserve applause. I'm not pushing them to be hard or mean, I'm pushing them because this is the only way they can discover their talent....
(you know this argument)
Motherhood; a thankless job. Right. Got it.

Maybe in twenty years. Maybe not.

There are some perks to piano lessons, however. One is the metronome.
(throws head back) Bahahaha.

The metronome. It's the boss. It's like a little mother sitting on the piano that tells your child all the things you've been telling them for weeks. Too fast. Too slow. Try again. Start over. Keep playing. Muhahahahaha-haha.

I love it when others agree with me and affirm me in front of my children. Marvelous feeling.

And another great thing, I didn't even assign the tool to be used. The piano teacher did. *holds back laughter*

I just get to smile and let my child learn that, once again, I am not out to get them. I am here to help. And when I say something needs to be different, or that the song sounds a little off, I am not picking on them but rather wanting to help.

The metronome also reminds me that I am not in charge. There are rules to music. Note value, rhythm, dynamics, and how the instructor tells you to play. We all have to obey what the music teacher says about the piece, otherwise we don't perform correctly. Yes, there's a little cushion for musical interpretation. But altogether, the piece will not sound pretty if you throw the guidelines out the window and ignore the metronome and piano teacher.

This constant beat thumping through our house got me thinking. It's not my job to make the rules. It's not my job to keep the beat. Or even play the music. My job is to back up the metronome and help guide my child through the music while following the teacher's rules. (My job is also to keep the other children from making fun or purposefully distracting during piano practice, even though playing needs to continue even with distractions. Lovely little distractions)

Huh. I love how things in everyday life point back to the sovereignty of God.
It's not our job to convict our children. It's not our job to write the Bible. And it's not our job to be the boss. But rather use the Bible to teach our child when something is a little off. To help our child understand that conviction comes from the Holy Spirit and from Him alone. And we're not really the Boss.
Now, I say not really because we don't make the rules. All the rules we use should come from scripture. And everything we do and don't do as parents, we are accountable for to God.
He's the Boss. Whether you recognize Him or not.

Therefore, when we want to teach our child something, let's say kindness, we tell them that God wants us to be kind to one another (Ephesians 4:32) and that we, as parents, want them to be kind as siblings. That's a rule. And we are responsible for guiding our children in kindness and being an example of kindness.
But every parent knows, you can't make your child do something.

You can show them, tell them, lead them, and even write it in big print on their wall...but if they don't want to be kind, they won't. Only the Holy Spirit can lead them to listen and apply what scripture says. Only He can convict them. It's our job to lead our child to the real Boss. Remind them of the "rules". Help them keep to the beat they hear guiding them through their choices.
Being honest, hard working, loyal, loving, compassionate, prayerful, full of worship, and using self control, these are the things we want for our children. But we can't make our child genuinely do any of these things. We can show them, tell them, lead them, and even buy the t-shirt. However, we're not responsible for God's role. We are responsible to guide them in the right direction. To lovingly lead them to scripture when they're discouraged. To remind them of Who is really in charge and that they have a choice. Even if their choice is to get distracted.

So often, I thank my Lord for being my Savior. For being my Heavenly Father. Always there for me, always understanding. However, I don't give enough applause to the Holy Spirit. The constant spiritual rhythm in our home comes from Him. And as long as I let Him work, the rhythm works. As long as I get out of the way. If I were in charge of keeping the beat in our home, it would sound something like middle school band practice without an instructor.

I'm so thankful for the little reminders that I am not responsible for my child's salvation. God has written the guidelines and mapped out the plan. Jesus is their Savior. And the Holy Spirit will do all the work in their hearts and souls. My job is to step back. I'm such a do-er. I want to be involved in everything. However, sometimes the Lord needs to teach my child something and I need to let Him.

Let the metronome keep the beat. Remind my child of the piano teacher's rules for each song. Help them the best I can, sure, but ultimately trust the piano teacher to do the job. Lead my child to ask questions to their teacher, keep that personal connection. And when the recital comes, praise the teacher for working faithfully on behalf of my child and congratulate my child in their perseverance.

I'm glad I'm the mother. And that I'm only responsible to be the mother.