when your child is hurting & you have no solution

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Many wise women have passed on sayings to me such as, "Children are meant for our sanctification and growth", or "Children raise you", something that basically sums up the inevitable change and at times, violent shove that our children give us into a more selfless and better version of ourselves. Not only that, but the refining that happens allows us to better understand God in His love for us.

Starting with new born babies who need us for everything from changing their clothes, washing their bodies, feeding them and calming them down only so that they can burp to grown children who need counsel in situations we cannot prepare for, control or predict, and have no idea how painful they will be or how long they will last; we, as parents, are bombarded with the false idea that we are in control.

One reason parenting is the hardest job in the world is because you go from being told you have all the control over your child (safety measures, life lessons, ABC's, nutrition, modesty, education, etc.) and what happens to your child (environment, play dates, baby sitter choices, car seats, doctor check-ups, etc.) to aggressively and quickly realizing that you have NO control over who your child becomes and what their path might include.
No matter how thoughtful or dedicated you are as a parent, you cannot save your child from hurt and heart break. You cannot make all the pain go away. Kissing the boo-boos only helps for a season, and after time, you realize you're in desperate need of something or someone more powerful than you to help your child.

This is where the worldly parent plays the blame game and ultimately does more harm or gives up. The moment a child suffers, humans rush to find blame and point fingers only to realize that identifying what's wrong is only half the battle. The real hardship is when the marathon is half over and you're tired and lacking faith that you'll finish and THIS is when you're in need of a solution. Not just a fault or a label, but a real solution for the pain. A solution in which you are still the parent your child needs. The secular mind finds "solutions" like detaching from their child(ren), redefining the relationship as one with no parental guidance out of desperation, drinking, eating, or even staying busy for a distraction, or using modern medicine or secular psychology to try to understand and treat their child's problem.

If your child has a health issue, of course, try to find a health solution. But I can't tell you how many times people have rubbed the latest and greatest all over my child to help them with their anxiety, rather than pointing them to Jesus. It's like Job's friends who came to visit him, "There's got to be a reason and solution for this pain."

Sometimes even for the Christian parent it is only after we've attempted our legalistic ideas of controlling the outcome of our children that we go to prayer. Don't you love this? As soon as something goes wrong, even the church falls into the trap of playing the blame game and giving false solutions. If the problem or pain is coming from a physical, emotional, or behavioral problem, how many people do you know that immediately suggest a remedy? And how many times have you foolishly suggested an answer for a problem you didn't fully understand? However, with a true Christian parent, you have grace from the Holy Spirit, who (Thank You, God) convicts us of our insensitivity and helps us to listen, have compassion, seek His Word, and go to prayer. He reminds us of our true hope. AND He gives perspective for the pain so that we can relate with each other.

Faith might be lacking or weak at times, but the sovereignty of God is all we can put our hope in. The true message that because of Christ, we have an answer (and purpose) for the pain.
Our answer (even though hard to swallow): Have faith that God is in control.

I write this with a humbled and broken heart over my pride.
I truly believed that making the right decisions and caring enough for my children would help them get through whatever hardships they might face.
I believed I was enough. Of course, that's not what I would say. I'd say it takes "the Lord".
However, I live(d) like I should be enough. I expect(ed) that I should be enough.

Some of you might be in this boat still (or getting in and out). Planning and deciding who your child may become with faith that doing the right thing produces sure results. Or even blaming whatever pain your child is going through on one particular "for instance" and forgetting how God orchestrated and used pain in your life, maybe not for a purpose that was easy to see.
The truth is, you need to ask yourself who is in control.

Over and over again, I battle with believing I'm in control of my life. I go back and forth between God is in control to Okay, I got it from here. And over and over again God brings me to the end of myself.

This year alone, I have been faced with so many situations where I had nothing to give. No kindness, no patience, no solution, no words of wisdom... Just brokenness, exhaustion, deep breaths, long gazes, lots of tears, and prayers, prayers, prayers. It has been reassurance to me that God is with me always, as I have still been able to be friendly, kind, patient, etc. in times when I really didn't want to be.

When I come to the end of myself, God does His finest work. All the pain has done just what it was designed to do...bring me to my knees before a loving God who has a plan. When you lose faith in His plan, you lose faith in an eternal outcome of goodness.

My prayers have become deeper out of desperation for answers. My time with the Lord has become more frequent out of need and survival through hard times. My need for and love of worship has grown in order to drown out all the lies in my mind and those spoken around me. And in the darkest, most painful moments, I speak scripture into my life...

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." Help me Lord, to "lay aside every burden and the sin which so easily entangles me, and let me run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Help me to "consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart." Amen.

Psalm 121:1-2 & Romans 12:1-3

the pride in "my plan"

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Pregnancy is one of the fragile times of life where we learn the balance between planning and trusting. You're responsible for caring for yourself and your baby to the best of your ability, however, unforeseen and unplanned things can happen that are completely out of our control causing a breakdown or sometimes aggressive change to our plan. And ultimately push us to trust in the Lord for His outcome. (We realize we are not really in control, and never have been)

There are many times in life that require this same approach. Any season that requires life planning;  college and career choices, engagement, marriage, family planning, job choosing, financial planning, even caring for our families in meals we make and the education we provide to our children, etc. There are times where we are required to research and make a responsible plan for whatever God has called us to do...however, He uses that plan almost immediately for His sovereign design of your life. And in ways you cannot plan for.

You think you're going shopping at the store, only to run into someone who is in need of encouragement. You plan to seek a career in a specific field, only to find that the first interest led you to an even greater career you love. You plan to marry the man of your dreams by a certain age, only to find yourself still waiting to meet him three years after your planned wedding. You plan to have two or three children by the time you're thirty, only to find yourself unable to carry a baby of your own and you only have one year left. You plan to have plenty of money by saving and investing for your future only to find yourself in the middle of an unforeseen circumstance that has drained your accounts...the list goes on and can have both positive and seemingly negative outcomes.

While there is nothing wrong with planning, there sure is a lot of pride that can be wrapped up in each part of our plan.

God requires us to plan, to be wise, to consider different outcomes, to work hard, and to pray and trust Him to lead us. However, God also requires flexibility and humility. He doesn't just require it, He forces it in the most loving way in order to sanctify us; to make us holy.

Between prenatals, appointments, lists, to-dos, plans for parenting, birthing/breastfeeding classes, and all the shopping and projects we can keep ourselves busy with, how much of what we do is really about us and our perfect plan for our lives?
Instead of pregnancy, let's think more generally. What about buying a house, starting a business, or even just eating healthier and working out. Nothing is "wrong" with any of these plans, but we must ask ourselves, is what we're doing about living a life fully trusting the Lord and living in worship of Him? AND giving Him the glory of the outcome? OR is it about us, our pride, and how responsible we are in all the things we do? How awesome our outcome is because we are awesome?

Recently, I've watched a lot of young people start to get wrapped up in their plans. Financial, family planning, marriage, parenting, education, and even their physical health. If there is a best way to do something, they know it and put it out for the world to see.

THIS NEW THING will save you, your family, your marriage, your life, your attitude, etc. Buy this product, read this book, do this project, eat this food, be this kind of mom, be this kind of wife, put your money here, plan, plan plan and then look at how awesome you are. What a false message of pride. And completely contrary to the gospel.

If there is nothing good in us, then how does something good come out of us? By the grace of God. By His gifting and purpose. By His work in us.

It is by the mercy of God alone that anyone has anything good in their life. You can plan, work hard, marry someone amazing, raise your children right, and still your life turns out to be a giant, complicated mess that challenges you in ways that keep you looking at the cross. This is His divine plan. But it's not simple, clean, or easy.
It's hard, it hurts at times, and it challenges you in ways to keep you growing.
Be careful how much faith you put in yourself. In your plan.

And for those of you learning this lesson right now, this lesson of pain in times where you thought you were prepared, remember God is working in this pain. He is divinely working on you and your heart and will work in others too (hopefully) with time.

We are called to boast in what the Lord has done, not in our worldly efforts (no matter how fruitful they might seem). I'm happy for you if your life has been a smooth ride, especially if you've been working at being responsible and making decisions wisely. But being wise isn't the goal, being successful isn't the goal.

Glorifying Him in all seasons is the goal. Using His wisdom and letting Him guide you doesn't mean your life will work out the way you've planned. Or that the outcome will be pleasant. In truth, it means you will end up right where He wants you...which is very comforting when life gets difficult because you know He put you there.

Colossians 3:12-19
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works so that no one may boast.

1 John 2:15-17
Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father in not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. 

true salvation, no matter the age

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This morning I went into the bathroom to help my son get ready for church. He was just finishing on the toilet (4 years old) and needed some *ahem* assistance. I won't describe the details.
However, he said to me something so precious, I will never forget it. He told me that he was praying just now and asked God to be in his heart so that Satan wasn't the boss anymore. He explained that he didn't want Satan to be inside of him and that he wanted God to be there instead. (Hold your judgment please, we didn't exactly teach him that Satan was his boss, but I guess that's how he interpreted it)

As I tried to control my excitement, (and get rid of my guilt from missing this moment), I just let him talk for a bit so that I could be sure of where his heart was. He also asked why his dad asked Jesus to be in his heart when he was little and did it again later. I corrected him and stated that Dad asked the Lord into his life when he was a little boy and later asked the Lord to help him follow God's commands. I explained that you don't need to ask God to come into your life more than once, however, you will need His help daily in order to obey and follow God. Then we hugged and called the whole family to the bathroom to celebrate. We explained the function of the physical heart and the design of the soul (to the best of our abilities) and how we really have the Lord in our souls when we receive salvation.

I have been convicted that it is my responsibility and duty as a mother to teach my children about the Lord Jesus Christ. We know in scripture it says to teach future generations diligently about who the Lord is at all times.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Deuteronomy 6:5-7

We want our children to have salvation for the sake of their soul and life purpose. They need a Savior the same way we do and they need a Lord. A Ruler, a Boss, someone in charge to give guidelines and boundaries for their own good and safety. And Someone who loves them with a pure, faithful love more than they can ever be loved by another.

So, where did we get this idea of "asking Jesus into our hearts"? Or that the ABC's of salvation is enough as a one time decision? Where is the repentance and when does asking the Lord Jesus to be your Savior turn into a daily decision to follow Him and listen to His Word.

Salvation is not a super simple process but it is supernatural. Which means we can't control or fully understand it. Salvation comes from the Lord. And PRAISE GOD we are not masters of things we don't understand.  The ironic thing about salvation is that we can spend years trying to teach our children about Christ and our child can decide to follow Him, without assistance from us, on the toilet with God. Maybe it's a good thing I wasn't with him, after all? (rhetorical)

The Bible teaches us to walk by faith in this life (2 Corinthians 5:7). That the Holy Spirit guides us in obedience of God's Word (Ezekiel 36:27) And that when we don't respond to conviction of sin, it leads to spiritual death. (Psalm 32:3) We also read that we are called to do and not just hear the Word of God (James 1:22-24).

Of course, most Christians (and I mean people who actually follow after Christ) know this already. But unless you really identify these biblical principles in your home, explain and model to your children what true salvation is, they could be misled for many years about what a relationship with God looks like. It is not acceptable for children or adults to make a decision one time and have no change in their life or heart, to live however you like but put your "church-face" on for Sunday and Wednesday. It is equally unacceptable to teach the religious idea of worship without life change from a relationship. If we are called to follow and worship Christ, we do it all day, everyday (even if we do it poorly). There is no perfection here yet, only persistence. 

Daily living with the Lord should show that we have a desire to learn more about the Lord, reading and studying His Word, while seeking fellowship with His people. That out of worship of our Lord, we want to do these things. Not to earn anything and not to work on being more holy. Listening to uplifting media and music because it encourages our soul and keeps our focus on Him, not because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

I don't want to be one to speak legalism into anyone's life. I am speaking merely the truth of the Gospel. Jesus said that the Holy Spirit does ALL the work in your heart, soul, mind, and body (John 16:13-14). From salvation to sanctification to glorification; it's all supernatural and controlled by a sovereign God. The process of sanctification, where God cleans up all the mess in us and makes us holy, happens over time and is completed the day our physical bodies die.
It doesn't happen quickly. Refining takes time.

I used to think that every year of my walk with the Lord should be different and better from the last, but then God reminded of so many examples of scripture where people had to wait years for a promised child in order to learn patience or be persecuted for years in prison in order to learn faithfulness. The point is, He doesn't stop working in you and He doesn't take a break until you need it. If you're exhausted from God working in your life, that's a good thing (painful but good).

With all this said, this morning we celebrated the beginning of a relationship with the Lord. The beginning of individual conviction and communication with the Lord that was led by the Lord. And we should celebrate when someone is moved by the Holy Spirit to make decisions that honor God. However, now we encourage not just admission of sin, belief in Jesus Christ as Savior, and a commitment to follow Him but also repentance of sin (meaning actually turning from sin when God points it out to you) and following Him daily and not just when it's convenient or easy.
We encourage this just by loving Him (with ALL our heart, soul, and might). Keeping our focus right, as witnesses of what He has done in us.

It's a decision as soon as you open your eyes in the morning and prepare to close your eyes at night, whether it happens when you hit your feet on the floor, have your first sip of coffee, or say good night to your family and have a few quiet moments in bed before sleeping. A reflection on who God has been for me in my life. My precious Savior, thinking about exactly what He saved me from. And then seeking what God has for me to do today or tomorrow before making my plans.
This reflection allows for His mercies to be new every morning. And it helps me to talk about him "when I sit in my house and when I walk by the way and when I lie down and when I rise up", whatever I do that He receives glory (Colossians 3:17).

Even in my failures and my dense moments (and we all have them), God is faithful to remind me of what He has done in me and for me through His Son, Jesus Christ. He is able to right my wrongs and forgive my sins and still love me while giving me perspective, understanding, and opportunity for hope in my everyday situations. In His time, He makes all things perfect while perfecting us (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and it brings glory and honor to Him.
Which is the goal of the heart that receives salvation, a heart renewed and repurposed to love the Savior and follow the Lord, thus being a witness and leading to true salvation of others.

asking for needed help when you don't want to

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I can tell God has something to say to me when it keeps coming up in multiple conversations with different people. Part of me wants to assume it's a conspiracy and somehow all the people in my life have secret meetings to discuss how they want to persuade me...but that part of me is the backwoods Alaskan who's a bit paranoid.

Recently, I was asked if I have a hard time asking for help. 

For some reason, all the loving people who have told me this for years didn't really make a difference in my thinking. But when a friend asked me to analyze myself this way and try to figure out the reason why, it had a different affect.

Do I have a hard time asking for help? And why?

As a mom, I push myself until I'm absolutely at my wits end. Until I discipline my kids so much and so often that I'm exhausted and want to throw each of my children in the snow (of course there's no snow this year, so there's that). Or until I start making pancakes for dinner out of desperation for something easy. They are protein-packed pancakes, of course. That's healthy, right? Sure is.

Being a mom and staying with your kids 24/7 can be the type of job that overwhelms you in a matter of hours. It doesn't take weeks or months for you to start daydreaming your next break. 

There are several reasons I don't ask for help: 

1. I believe I should be able to do it on my own. (out of my own pride)
2. I don't want to burden someone else with my load. (stubbornness in not sharing the load)
3. I'm embarrassed about the issues my family or I struggle with. (fear of judgment)
4. I tend to be more of a private person with my issues. (growing up not relying on others)
5. I don't trust people. (hanging on to past hurts)

Does anyone relate with this?

Sure, stubbornness can be a very good thing when standing for what's right. And doing things on your own can make you stronger. But something's wrong if you think having help or needing help is wrong.

So, here's the humbling message God has shared with me this week. 

People who love you want to bless you. They are thinking about you and praying for you even when you don't ask.

They want to help.

And you need it.

Either ask or take them up on their offer.

As I write this, I have a hard time holding back tears. Humility can be a painful process (stupid pride). I have so many friends and family members I can ask for help. Who offer help when I need it most as I consistently refuse and try to manage on my own (which ultimately has me on my closet floor in a puddle of tears).

Now, I want to encourage everyone out there to be careful with this. You don't want to over-ask or be the "complaining friend" every time you come for a visit. 

It should be a blessing for them not a burden.

People can't take care of your kids every week and make meals and clean your house forever. Bummer, right? 

But during a difficult season, a time when you find yourself struggling more often than not, it is okay to ask for help. The season might be a difficult week, month, or even year. But it is just a season and the people who want to help during this time will be the type of people who will be there at the end of this season anyway.

It is okay to ask someone to help with your budgeting, homeschooling, chores, cooking, shopping, cleaning, or meal planning. It's okay to admit that you can't do it by yourself, that you need help. Even if that means, just having someone come visit you to keep YOU in check.

Wisdom and judgment need to be used when seeking help, but it can be very rewarding for you and your family when you allow yourself to need help from someone else.

The Lord has shown me so much of my pride in the last six months, and I am truly humbled at the love and grace God gives me through others. 

So, my message to you, my sister in stubbornness: I love you. I understand the battle for you. And God loves you and made you. You cannot live life on your own. You've been doing it long enough unsuccessfully. Ask God to reveal those in your life who LOVE you. Ask Him to forgive your pride and help you to be humble. And thank Him for helping you all these years and for providing loving people in your life. Take a deep breath and practice saying these words. "Can you please help me?"

And remember to not only say thank you, but return the love when someone else needs it.