when your child is hurting & you have no solution

(Source)

Many wise women have passed on sayings to me such as, "Children are meant for our sanctification and growth", or "Children raise you", something that basically sums up the inevitable change and at times, violent shove that our children give us into a more selfless and better version of ourselves. Not only that, but the refining that happens allows us to better understand God in His love for us.

Starting with new born babies who need us for everything from changing their clothes, washing their bodies, feeding them and calming them down only so that they can burp to grown children who need counsel in situations we cannot prepare for, control or predict, and have no idea how painful they will be or how long they will last; we, as parents, are bombarded with the false idea that we are in control.

One reason parenting is the hardest job in the world is because you go from being told you have all the control over your child (safety measures, life lessons, ABC's, nutrition, modesty, education, etc.) and what happens to your child (environment, play dates, baby sitter choices, car seats, doctor check-ups, etc.) to aggressively and quickly realizing that you have NO control over who your child becomes and what their path might include.
No matter how thoughtful or dedicated you are as a parent, you cannot save your child from hurt and heart break. You cannot make all the pain go away. Kissing the boo-boos only helps for a season, and after time, you realize you're in desperate need of something or someone more powerful than you to help your child.

This is where the worldly parent plays the blame game and ultimately does more harm or gives up. The moment a child suffers, humans rush to find blame and point fingers only to realize that identifying what's wrong is only half the battle. The real hardship is when the marathon is half over and you're tired and lacking faith that you'll finish and THIS is when you're in need of a solution. Not just a fault or a label, but a real solution for the pain. A solution in which you are still the parent your child needs. The secular mind finds "solutions" like detaching from their child(ren), redefining the relationship as one with no parental guidance out of desperation, drinking, eating, or even staying busy for a distraction, or using modern medicine or secular psychology to try to understand and treat their child's problem.

If your child has a health issue, of course, try to find a health solution. But I can't tell you how many times people have rubbed the latest and greatest all over my child to help them with their anxiety, rather than pointing them to Jesus. It's like Job's friends who came to visit him, "There's got to be a reason and solution for this pain."

Sometimes even for the Christian parent it is only after we've attempted our legalistic ideas of controlling the outcome of our children that we go to prayer. Don't you love this? As soon as something goes wrong, even the church falls into the trap of playing the blame game and giving false solutions. If the problem or pain is coming from a physical, emotional, or behavioral problem, how many people do you know that immediately suggest a remedy? And how many times have you foolishly suggested an answer for a problem you didn't fully understand? However, with a true Christian parent, you have grace from the Holy Spirit, who (Thank You, God) convicts us of our insensitivity and helps us to listen, have compassion, seek His Word, and go to prayer. He reminds us of our true hope. AND He gives perspective for the pain so that we can relate with each other.

Faith might be lacking or weak at times, but the sovereignty of God is all we can put our hope in. The true message that because of Christ, we have an answer (and purpose) for the pain.
Our answer (even though hard to swallow): Have faith that God is in control.

I write this with a humbled and broken heart over my pride.
I truly believed that making the right decisions and caring enough for my children would help them get through whatever hardships they might face.
I believed I was enough. Of course, that's not what I would say. I'd say it takes "the Lord".
However, I live(d) like I should be enough. I expect(ed) that I should be enough.

Some of you might be in this boat still (or getting in and out). Planning and deciding who your child may become with faith that doing the right thing produces sure results. Or even blaming whatever pain your child is going through on one particular "for instance" and forgetting how God orchestrated and used pain in your life, maybe not for a purpose that was easy to see.
The truth is, you need to ask yourself who is in control.

Over and over again, I battle with believing I'm in control of my life. I go back and forth between God is in control to Okay, I got it from here. And over and over again God brings me to the end of myself.

This year alone, I have been faced with so many situations where I had nothing to give. No kindness, no patience, no solution, no words of wisdom... Just brokenness, exhaustion, deep breaths, long gazes, lots of tears, and prayers, prayers, prayers. It has been reassurance to me that God is with me always, as I have still been able to be friendly, kind, patient, etc. in times when I really didn't want to be.

When I come to the end of myself, God does His finest work. All the pain has done just what it was designed to do...bring me to my knees before a loving God who has a plan. When you lose faith in His plan, you lose faith in an eternal outcome of goodness.

My prayers have become deeper out of desperation for answers. My time with the Lord has become more frequent out of need and survival through hard times. My need for and love of worship has grown in order to drown out all the lies in my mind and those spoken around me. And in the darkest, most painful moments, I speak scripture into my life...

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." Help me Lord, to "lay aside every burden and the sin which so easily entangles me, and let me run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Help me to "consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart." Amen.

Psalm 121:1-2 & Romans 12:1-3