confessions from a stay-at-home mom who needs Jesus

In the last year, I have been faced with more trials and difficult situations than ever before in my life. As a mother, you learn your children are really given to you to fashion you into His likeness, amen? I didn't realize how unfashionable I was. I thought, for the most part, that I could be a good mother and wife as long as I focus on Christ and let Him guide me through life situations. The truth being that I can't be a good anything. Only Christ in me is good and able to do good.

Recently, I was at a low point and someone said to me, "You just look like you have it all together so I never would have known you were struggling." This really pierced my heart.
What about me looks like I  have it "together"? The fact that I'm dressed? Or maybe that I'm out in public? What does together mean?

Honestly, there were so many times in the last fourteen months that I've just wanted to hide. Not shower, not get out of bed, not eat, everyday forcing myself to get up and get moving. So it really bothered me that not only did people have a completely FALSE perception of my reality, but that somehow I still look like I have my life together, even when I'm at the end of myself.
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This is Jesus. Jesus is who happens when you come to the end of you.
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I have four children on earth and two in Heaven.
My eldest is recently a teenager ...yes, I'd love your prayers...and she has a past filled with neglect, abuse, lies, and abandonment. My heart hurts for her on a regular basis.
The problem is that somehow, in the crazy mix up of everything, when anything bad happens in your child's life, you (the mom) get blamed. All you young moms, pay attention.
Things that have nothing to do with you, somehow will be your fault in your child's eyes and heart. They will be MAD at you. They will gossip about you. And they will say sorry and expect immediate forgiveness and zero consequence. Some of what they say will be true, those words hurt more.

I've been thinking of things I struggle with, things I see in my home and behavior that I think, "If only so-and-so could see me now, they wouldn't think I had it all together...". They wouldn't compare but rather relate.
So, I'm stepping way outside my comfort zone for that mom out there who also falls apart regularly and needs something (Someone) stronger and more permanent to keep her together. The mom that feels like she can't relate with another mom...or maybe that she can't relate with me.

Here are some confessions from a stay-at-home mom who doesn't have it together:

1. I have overcooked food on multiple occasions, two of which I caught food on fire in my oven because I was disciplining my children out of anger. My anger ruined dinner. Literally.
2. I cannot even count how many times I've over boiled veggies or oatmeal because I'm a basket case and completely forgot about the food on the stove. No big deal. It's just my family, home, belongings, etc.
3. I scream/yell/ask for forgiveness on a regular basis. (Less than I used to, but still do) I don't know what it is about raising my voice, it doesn't make me feel better. And yet, I do it.
4. I've convinced my children that "special" dinners include all the easy foods like grilled cheese and canned soup, or quesadillas, and not only are they "special" but I made them because I love my children. (I really made them because I was tired, busy or lazy)
5. I have let my boys watch hours of cartoons just so I can have peace while making dinner and have a break from disciplining my children.
6. I frequently wrestle lies like "God made a mistake giving me kids", "I'm messing my children up", or "They'd be better off without me". 
7. There's a trench in my backyard from all the laps my children have had to run because of bad behavior. A trench. Around the entire perimeter.
8. There are times when all my neighbors probably think my kids are in danger. There are other times they might think I am in danger lol. Both are untrue.
9. I frequently define myself by my completed tasks even though I know this isn't the gospel, nor is it how God sees me.
10. I speak legalism over my kids instead of the freedom in Christ that we can have, even though I know better and fight legalistic thoughts and behaviors in my own life.
11. I have to force myself to show affection to my children once they are no longer babies.
12. When my children mimic me, it is only seriousness, never playfulness. 
13. There are days I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I might completely lose it. Those are my done days. I'm just done.
14. I over talk issues. (looks around) Yup
15. I buy a coffee sometimes just for adult interaction. And also because it's coffee.
16. I leave my Bible open in places around my house because it's more likely that I will read it if it's open already. That's how lazy I am.
17. Many of my prayers throughout the day are 1 to 3 words like, "Are you kidding?" "Okay, Lord!" "Somebody help." ...Jesus, angels, anybody, I don't care who...right? That's not biblical. Just to clarify.
18. I kick box because I have anger issues. I have for many years.
19. Sometimes I eat my children's treats as payment when they disobey me. In front of them. And it's delicious.
20. I make my children rub my back, feet, arms or hands when they're mean to me. This happens often which is probably why I look relaxed even though I'm not. 
21. I regularly let my dishes build up to about three days worth.
22. I use dry shampoo as long as I can. 
23. I don't vacuum my multicolored carpet because everything blends.
24. I don't make meals for my freezer but I dream of it and think of it often.
25. I'm terribly insecure about what my kids think of me.
26. I have a hard time forgiving when I know I will be offended again. 
27. On multiple occasions, I have left the house with deodorant applied only to one arm.
28. I have also left the house with only one earring in and the other left on the dresser.
29. I work a part time job as a healthy distraction from difficulties in life that require patience.
30. I withhold presents from my children as ransom for good behavior, changed behavior, or other consequences.

This list could be longer but I think you get the picture.

For anyone who plays the "comparison" game. Don't. We're all in this together, and the longer I'm a mom and the older and more complicated my kids get, the more I meet amazing women who love Jesus and have totally surrendered all of their crazy over to Him.

We can relate with each other in our shortcomings. In the ways we fall short of the glory of God, we can come alongside each other and praise the God who is mighty. In our weakness is His strength.

Jesus is able. No matter what your situation or how difficult this season is for you. He is able.

Jesus is the reason I look like ANYthing resembling togetherness. Jesus is the reason I force myself to eat breakfast and get my kids up. Jesus is who holds my life together when everything is crashing into pieces of explosive terribleness. Jesus keeps me holding on. He gives me the strength to keep going and sometimes even have a good day. Jesus gives me peace when there is WAR in my home and heart. Jesus loves me when I've been hated, rejected, or feel alone. Jesus gives me the words when I'm exhausted and don't know what to say. And He comforts me when I'm worried about things I cannot even verbalize. He knows my heart and goes before me. He is able and He can when I can't.

When you come to the end of yourself, don't fret.  Enjoy the place of humility where grace comes into your life and totally takes over. With tears, try to rest in Him. This is the gospel. 

Let Him be what others see. Be honest about who you are without Him.

Let Him be the strength you need in your trial.