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If you have ever had financial ups and downs and cried out to the Lord for help, you know what I'm talking about. When bills get paid and somehow you manage to make it one more month, even when you couldn't figure how it would be possible. Or when a blessing comes from out of nowhere and ends up paying for something unforeseen.
These are the emotional ups and downs we go through with finances.
Will we be able to make it this month?
How are we going to pay this bill?
We really can't afford the lifestyle we have.
What are we going to eat?
How much money are we actually spending?
Do we have any savings?
Why are my spouse and I so different with money?
This is the struggle. There is emotion and pressure here. There is need for a deep breath.
And this is why money can be one of those subjects that is never really directly brought up but can dictate the emotion of your conversations and control the heart of your home without you realizing it. You could be fighting about something small but with so much passion and emotion because really, it's about money.
If you're married, probably one of you is more involved than the other in managing the budget of your home. Regardless of which one you are, there are some things you could be doing that are really hurting your marriage. My goal is to encourage unity in marriage through your money. For you and your spouse to come together and discuss the actual issues you are avoiding or ignoring and hopefully, for your marriage to be blessed by the discussion. I know there is fear here, and the desire to respect and honor. But letting your spouse continue on in a bad financial habit is not doing your job as their spouse.
Money is meant to be a blessing and a tool. Something we can use to not only survive but bless others, further God's kingdom, and also enjoy in a holy way that pleases God. And you should be able to enjoy that money together.
Managing money in a responsible way can be such a blessing to your life. I have seen these five financial habits completely take over households until they eventually end up causing division in the marriage. There are many issues in financial management that can affect your marriage, but these are the five I wanted to discuss today. These issues always start small and grow BIG. I hope that this outline is something you can relate with and God can use to bless you in your marriage.
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#1 Separate everything vs. together attitude
This tends to happen in homes where both spouses make their own income. Earning your own income and contributing to your family is a wonderful thing! I know many women who work outside of the home and I think that you have to do what your family needs and what you need. Sometimes women work because their home needs the income. Other times, women might work because they enjoy working outside the home. Regardless, this can (but doesn't have to) create issues about income and budgeting if you have separate ideas about your income. Your money should be a tool for your entire family. There should be no separate accounts, separate splurges, separate bills, or separate debt. I know I might ruffle a few feathers with this, but honestly, it creates issues in your marriage. Each of you having your own income and depositing your money into separate accounts could function but it doesn't work the way you want it to. It ends up creating no accountability in your spending habits, no communication about your debts, and no support when you might really need it. Marriage should be a place where everything is brought to the table. No secrets. No separate lives. If you have separate income, you need to establish a together attitude. Both you and your spouse have strengths and weaknesses with money that balance each other; if you don't share everything with one another, this balance cannot exist. You might be able to spend whatever you want, but then guess what? So can your spouse. This "separate money" recipe creates an environment of judgment about spending, resentment about fairness, and your marriage ends up becoming an entitlement battlefield of who makes more money and should have the freedom they deserve. All your money should be accounted for and everything should be shared. It will also help give accountability with temptation to keep secrets or spend money on inappropriate things. This will bless you and grow you in ways you need.
#2 Confusing your needs with your wants
When you allow yourself to spend money on something that is a want, budget for it and stick to it. Marketing and advertisements are geared toward teaching men and women that they need what they actually want. The two get confused often and the lines become blurry.
The truth is women don't need thirty skirts and seventy-five pairs of shoes and men don't need the garage full of tools and wheeler-machine-boat-gizmos. (Yes, this was written by a woman who doesn't know proper tool names) But truly, these are wants. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting a boat or new pair of shoes.
The issue here is wanting what you cannot afford. Or believing that having that extra snow machine is going to make you feel satisfied and happy. If you can't afford something, be honest. There is no shame in admitting and sticking to a lifestyle of spending responsibly for your income. There IS shame in buying more stuff that you can't afford and eventually don't enjoy. You have plenty! If you attach feelings of satisfaction of life to your belongings, I hate to say it, but your issues run a little deeper than your pocketbook.
A new dress shouldn't give you happiness. The feeling of satisfaction should come from budgeting for and buying a dress for a great deal while being able to afford it! If you enjoy a bargain, good for you! But make sure you can still afford the bargain! I hear men and women talk about that one item they couldn't pass up because it was "such a great deal", but meanwhile that spouse is quickly losing trust every time he or she goes bargain shopping. Bargains can still make you bankrupt. And there is nothing more important than the trust of your spouse. Buying extra things isn't worth wrecking your marriage. Period.
Men and women can also enjoy their expenses together. However, examine your lifestyle and pay close attention to your strengths and weaknesses. Don't fall into the trap of becoming the customer that every business loves. Talk to each other and stick to your agreements. Don't buy things that you want while convincing yourself that they are needs. You really could live with a lot less.
And it might be better for you and your marriage.
#3 Not having self-control with your spending
With all of the technology available to our generation, there is no excuse for a lack of communication about purchases. EVER. You not only can text your husband while shopping but also rearrange your bank accounts! Amazing! It's a recipe for success. :)
Now that you are without excuse in communicating with each other, its all about follow-through. If you plan to spend $100, spend $100. Or maybe, just maybe, WAIT for the expense.
If you can't find what you were looking for with a price that is reasonable to what you were planning to spend, don't buy it. Wait, research, budget again, communicate, and then go shopping and enjoy!
If you like the freedom to spend what you want without communicating, you can plan for that as well. Both you and your spouse can agree on a specific amount that you put aside every month for "fun money". Or even for "home improvement" or "new house stuff". But again, this amount should be reasonable according to your income and you and your spouse should have equal say about the amount. If you find your spouse is spending more than planned, gently ask them what amount would work for them. Remember, the idea with this communication is not acting like a parent to a child. It's from one loving partner to another and the goal is to find a solution. There is no pointing fingers, blaming, or using the behavior as an excuse for giving up. This is about creating a system that works for your marriage! It is unique to you.
But in your unique marriage, the foundation is always built on communication and trust. You need to be able to trust your spouse when they leave the house. You also need to be the type of spouse that is trustworthy and be a person of your word. Your marriage can help you grow in responsibility and again be a huge blessing to you financially! But it's up to you to communicate about what works and what doesn't. Plan for both of you to act in a trustworthy way with your money and find a way to agree upon what that means in your life.
#4 How much he spends vs. how much she spends
We all know that men have expensive tools, equipment, gear, and toys, and usually have expensive places to store these items. However, women spend smaller amounts more frequently, usually on beauty products, clothing, and social events. This is one of the touchy subjects in a lot of marriages. How much he spends vs. how much she spends.
After talking with a lot of married couples, I have realized that there are multiple sub-issues here.
One issue is when the hobbies are more expensive than both spouses realized, planned for, or can afford. There is nothing wrong with having expensive plans, but they need to be affordable and actually be expensive plans. If your spouse is worried that your $2000 hunting trip will exceed your budget, there are issues of worry, doubt, question of character, and fear about the future here. It's not just that you spent $250 more on your ladies weekend than planned, it's whether or not it matters to your spouse. The idea here is communication, planning, and a little financial flexibility in your plan. You can always reevaluate what you spent last year and plan ahead for this year but your spouse needs to know that money management matters to you. That their feelings of doubt or need for security are important to you and that you care about creating a plan that works.
Another sub-issue is jealousy. We want to spend money together in marriage and it is very difficult when one spouse spends a huge amount of your yearly income on something that is personal and individual. Now again, there is nothing wrong here, but it can bring resentment, bitterness, hurt, and even feelings of loneliness that we experience every time the subject of this hobby or expense is mentioned. Instant hidden drama in a conversation you thought would be light-hearted.
When your spouse spends a large amount on something for them, you might feel the need and justification to spend money on things you don't need and sometimes don't even want. It's a vicious spend-cycle that eventually leads to another battle of how much each of you are spending. You are against each other instead of together.
You should know how much you're actually spending on your monthly fishing trip. And you should also know how much you spend on your hair appointments every year. How much your new boat is costing and the cost of your seasonal home decorations. (It's probably more than you think) Spending money on these items isn't wrong and doesn't have to be a burden. It's about balance and working toward understanding one another. What is important to you and your spouse.
The last sub-issue here is maybe you're not a big spender but you're married to one. Again, this balance of one extreme and another
If one of you spends a certain amount on individual expenses every month, you can plan for that. You may not be in battle over "who spends more", but maybe "who spends and who doesn't". Evaluate whether or not the amount spent on hobbies and personal expenses is fair to both spouses, and once decided, plan for this spending in your monthly budget.
It's important to have your own things as individuals, however, you need to come back to your spouse at the end of the day and enjoy your marriage too! You should enjoy spending money on things you can enjoy together. You should also thank your spouse for keeping a budget where you both can still have the freedom to hunt, fish, have projects, shop, go out with the girls or update your wardrobe.
#5 Spending money you don't actually have
Did you know that every time you use your credit card for an expense, you're actually borrowing money for that expense? Even if you pay it back right away (which let's be real, most of us don't), you're still borrowing money for the movies, clothes, groceries, bills, gasoline, shoes, etc. Or getting a little more personal, maybe you're borrowing money for your TV, computer, new vehicle, new couches, or a vacation that you really
Let me say something and be very clear...stop spending money you don't actually have. Credit cards are not completely terrible and can be used for good. However, most of us use them for everything we want, pay the minimum payment, and continue to pay interest and fees for the freedom to borrow money for a life we simply can't afford. Many families have two spouses work because they have created an expensive and unnecessary lifestyle. Many expenses that stress out your marriage are avoidable and due to your desire for a life you simply shouldn't be living.
If you want your dream home, dream car, dream wardrobe, dream vacation, etc. you need to work and save for it! And when you do work and save for it, you should enjoy it! Having a lifestyle that you enjoy and can afford is an awesome thing! But having a lifestyle that you actually need credit cards for is not a smart, responsible, or Godly way to live. The Bible talks about debt, savings, and how to be wise with your income. Nowhere does it say "It's okay, you don't have to pay attention. I'll work it all out." No, God did not say that and does not work that way.
It is crazy to me how people can have so much and still complain about how they struggle with not having enough money. It's pretty simple, if money is an issue in your marriage (whether spending too much or having too little), it is not God-glorifying to live without paying attention or without trying to solve the problem. And credit cards and financing are NOT the solution.
Everyone needs a home and most people need a vehicle for maintaining a job, however, you do not need 15 different ways to watch television, 250+ channels, and the ability to record and re-watch your favorite episodes. You also do not need to spend $500 on each of your children at Christmas to make them happy (and side note: do you really want to teach them that happiness comes with stuff?). You don't need marble countertops, stainless steel appliances, or a brand new vehicle. These are wants, and if worked and saved for, should be enjoyed and used for blessing you and others! But these are not needs. And these are not worth having debt for years and straining your marriage and family.
Dreams are wonderful, and they can be great date-night conversations. But you can't live in your dreams unless you work to make them your reality. Creating a lifestyle that you can afford is pretty easy; you just base your needs on your actual income. Not your wants on your credit. And you can also have money set aside every month for that new stove that you'd really love. The key to this is saving and being patient for your wants.
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Whether you're the money manager or financial support technician :), you have an important job and responsibility to pay attention to your behavior with money and to make sure you and your spouse are in agreement about the income of your home.
How it is used, how it is earned, how it is saved. You should know how much you make, spend, save, and owe.
If you don't know the ballpark of these financial facts, I'm sorry to say that you are not living wisely and not honoring God in your management of what He has given you. If you and your spouse simply cannot agree about how your money is to be used, remember that marriage can't survive without compromise, grace, and submission. (Both spouses have to compromise, give grace to each other, and submit to their leader [or Leader])
God has given you the ability to earn this money. It is your job to communicate with your spouse about how it will be managed to the best of your abilities and to pray for wisdom in managing your budget in a way that honors God. You don't need to be obsessive about numbers, or even check your accounts daily. But you should know what is happening in your accounts, where your money is going, and have a plan for your money that is not just about you.
Remember your money is meant to be a blessing to you, others, and to the Lord. Plan for spending money on others, giving money to the Lord, and enjoying your money yourself! This is the way God intended for your money to be used. This is when you get off the financial roller coaster you've been on and decide together that money management will not be an issue that breaks your marriage. Financial management that honors God will lead your marriage into a close unity and a better understanding of each other.
Talk with the Lord in prayer and then talk to your spouse. If you have deep concerns about a bad financial habit in your marriage, whether yours or your spouses, ask God for the right time and words to talk to your spouse about it and for the wisdom to make a decision that honors the Lord. (Even if it's your issue, talk to your spouse for accountability)
Figure out your budget (what you make, spend, save, and owe), and create a lifestyle that works for you. Your budget should be limited based on your bad habits. Your budgeting should be true to who you and your spouse are; this requires honesty. Talk to each other and be honest about your struggles. Seek restoration and forgiveness with one another and set boundaries and limits within your budget that help build up your trust for each other.
If there are past hurts and trust issues with money, these should be discussed as things we don't want to repeat. You don't have to talk specifics (no blame-game here), just honesty and solution-seeking topics. Also, if never discussed, try to explain how this issue in your money management affected your trust or feeling of security, etc. It is important to be honest, but also forgiving. Forgiveness is necessary in budgeting (as in any area of life). In order to move forward and find a solution, you have to be able to forgive your spouse and yourself of poor choices from the past.
Every month needs flexibility and grace for yourself and your spouse. It is a balance of being responsible with what God has given and flexible with unforeseen issues and expenses. It's not ever going to be perfect, but if you pay attention and pray for wisdom and balance, your marriage can be tremendously blessed by your financial management. As it should be.
