gut laughs in the backseat

During the holidays, I'm always driving back and forth to my parents house for various festivities. And with three children, the backseat is f u l l. 

I have bags, diapers, backup outfits for each child (because every good mom has that in her car), food, my purse, coats for everyone, and winter gear. Needless to say, the car is truly and utterly full. I can't tell you how many times I make multiple trips in and out of my home or destination for loading and unloading stuff. 

It was one of these many trips where I learned a valuable lesson about the Lord.

Driving along, my seven month old son had developed this ever-so lovely scream that truly makes your neck muscles clench. It is divine. And the other side of that divine ability is that my three year old son loves to screech back and make his baby brother laugh. It was one of these thirty minute car rides that seemed a lot longer, where my two boys decided to do this scream-screech back and forth in the backseat. 

At first, my daughter (10 y.o.) and I were rolling our eyes at them with a gentle reminder, "Boys, not too loud...(in a pleasant voice)". But then, as the scream-screech evolved, it became the scream-laugh-screech-laugh. And I will tell you it was infectious.

My daughter broke first. And before I could say another warning word, I was laughing. Everyone was laughing.

We had all lost our minds. Laughing at these horrible sounds. Over and over again.

And it was then that I realized, this is what every parent wants. 

My kids are taken care of and they should be able to experience happiness. They should be able to laugh and enjoy life. I work so hard for them so that they can enjoy...

And it was almost a whisper from the Lord, "this is what I want for you, daughter."

And before I knew it, my laughter had changed to a smile, which ended with a grateful heart. 

theology and three year olds

Most of the conversations we have with our children consist of do's and don't's, rights and wrongs, food and clothing, etc. The little details of our day that you never think about until you have to help teach another little human how to function in a way that will prove to benefit them when they go into society.
You never consider that one day, out of nowhere, you will have to discuss life and death with a mind that doesn't understand the vocabulary you're used to but does understand the concepts.

Death. Every child is introduced in one form or another. You hope that your child doesn't have to experience too much trauma but some, and the measure of that some, is unavoidable. It is completely out of our hands as parents...
So what do you say to the tougher questions in life, the questions relating to death. Do you dress it up, commercialize it, much like Santa Claus for Christmas? Or do you teach the true meaning of Christmas? It is interesting to hear how parents create their versions of history for their children because they don't think children can understand the bigger concept.

Maybe my children are smarter than everyone else's. (smile) Well, of course they are!
But seriously...
I have been able to discuss Heaven, Hell, sin, salvation, atonement, confession, repentance, resurrection, eternity, and the trinity with my children as early as they can talk.
Much like food, you start with what's easy and work into what's harder to chew.
Trusting God. Omnipresence. Communion.
With a strict focus on concept, not vocabulary.

But they follow your lead.
So if you don't lead, or if you're lost yourself...then who is your child following?

and where?

memorization & application

Trying to memorize verses is so difficult. But I have decided it is the same thing as a physical workout session. At first, you want to die. And then you do die a little.
But then! You start to get the hang of it and your muscles actually don't hate you anymore. They start to enjoy the burn and you get to enjoy the benefits of being physically in better shape.

The same is true about memorizing scripture. At first, you want to die. You feel completely ridiculous, chanting the same little words over and over again....mixing them up with other (sometimes inappropriate) words, sometimes throwing off the context just by being confused. But then! You get it, and memorizing four just builds to memorizing fifteen. It's kinda fabulous.

I haven't memorized a chunk of scripture since high school. A verse here and there, sure, but now working on a whole chapter (my go-to chapter, Colossians 3) has really made me see how wonderfully and amazingly we were created as beings.
Human beings...huh. I wonder why we are not called Human Doings. Seems to me that we do more than we be. Maybe we should be more...?

Anyway...working the brain is a lot like working the bicep. And I have to say, I love flexing my muscles in the mirror and knowing that I am able.

But what happens with my healthy decision after the workout? Does it affect how I eat? sleep? drink  water? Do I make overall health conscious decisions or do I work out only to go hit up my favorite junk food from the kitchen? Or worse yet, a fast food restaurant (deceitfully delicious)?
Do I memorize the scripture and then look at it as mere words?
Or does it sink into my heart and soul and stay with me through the day?

I guess that's what prayer is for...please Lord, help me not to go to McDonalds with Your Word.

respect & love; want & need

A little bit of a rant. I am so sick of divorce.
What in the world did you think marriage was going to be like?

Two selfish people+always being able to think of yourself first+living together+knowing & sharing everything=the opposite of a good marriage. For everyone.
Marriage takes work.
H a r d work.

I just get so sick sick sick of people whining. As if my husband is better than their's OR I make a better wife naturally. I WANT to share everything and it's easier for me...? Yeah right.
The world has educated all young people to think that marriage is a fantasy come true. Wrong.
Marriage is a nightmare that wakes and sobers you up into the reality that you are a selfish, selfish person.

Not only do you want things your way but you want your spouse to be like you. You don't think this at first. Ohhhh no. You think your spouse is amazing and wonderful and perfect and there won't be any cause for the two of you to fight or even want time away from each other. But then you get married and realize how quickly you can become irritated with a person when he or she really hasn't said or done anything. Just what they are thinking or the fact that they are doing nothing can make you sizzle on the inside.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my husband and marriage. I love being married and think a dedicated marriage is the answer for most of our problems in the world. Insecure relationships. Children who make bad choices. People who think too much of themselves. Etc. etc. etc.
BUT

and there is a big but.

A dedicated marriage is the solution. NO ONE has an easy marriage. No one has a problem-free marriage. Or even fewer problems than you. It's pretty much equal across the board. But it's the attitude and truth of the two individuals that decide how it's going to work out.

Of course, I don't recommend anyone stay in a physically abusive relationship. But very few people who get divorced are getting divorced for this reason. When you are scared for your life, run for your life. Help them change by making them realize they cannot treat people this way.
H o w e v e r...
I am sick of everyone talking about the emotional abuse in marriage. MARRIAGE IS ABUSIVE in itself. It beats the crap out of you emotionally and spiritually. It takes everything you have and tells you that what you have is not enough to make it work. Because dadadaduh!
You are not enough.

We need a Savior to help us. Save us from our selfishness. Sin. Bah, humbug.
People find all kinds of reasons to justify why their marriage is so bad and why they can leave AND why they really tried. If you think the other person is at fault, I mean not what you say but what you reeeeeeaalllly think and feel, honey....you are full of bullhonky. (again not talking about physical abuse and threats thereof)
If you really tried, then you'd realize you can't do it and would seek out a n y thing to help. Which includes counseling and church.
Now church may not change your spouse or even your marriage, but the Lord will change your heart if you really want Him to. And a church that teaches the Word will help you know more about the Lord.

The issue is, you don't want to change.
And until you face that fun fact...you will keep failing at relationships.
___________

The Bible says that men need respect and women need love from each other in marriage.
This is totally true.
But I will say that from my husband I may want and need love. But from everyone else, I want respect. I want to be honored.
By my children, parents, friends....I could care less about cuddles, long talks, and love letters. I really want people to think I am respectable and honorable. I want people to see my hard work and appreciate it. And this includes having a realistic view of my life and marriage. It is hard for me too but I don't give up easily. And when I have given it my all and worked my butt off I don't want people comparing and saying that my marriage is just easier which is why it's successful.
Or that selflessness just comes more naturally to me. Hah!
I could make a whole list of things I reallllllly dislike about myself, my marriage and point fingers but instead I own up to my attitude problems and recognize the truth.

Focusing on my spouse and his imperfections only makes me miserable and immature. Focusing on myself makes me feel defeated and lacking when I fail. Focusing on the Lord and His abilities to change my heart and hear my prayers brings me peace and thankfulness...which leads me back to respecting, loving, and appreciating my mate.

There is a difference between what you want and need.

Maybe God wanted you to be married to someone who drives you crazy...maybe you need to change.

fits, coffee explosions, and too many questions

As a person, I really do love and cherish quiet time. I get up early, without trying most of the time, and have a few minutes of quiet, alone time most mornings. And I try to take this time to reflect on my life, my day, and what God has for me. How He will help me as long as I go to Him....happy alone time.

But occasionally, I wake up to my toddler screaming for me. This, of course, wakes everyone else up and instantly I'm needed. 

I'm needed for breakfast, bathroom trips, clothing, cleaning, and school almost immediately and for at least the first hour of my morning. I have no time to go to the bathroom, in fact I'm pretty sure my body just recognizes that "she's busy" and goes into this "survival" mode where everything my body, soul, mind and heart needs just gets put on hold...more like a simmer. Not hold. Simmer mode. Where you know eventually it will boil over. 

It's like a firehouse alarm going off and instantly you have to get moving about 60 mph in order to try to get ahold of things. You're the adult, after all. You're supposed to have things under control.

Now, I should be thankful for healthy children who can talk, eat, go to the bathroom, and breathe on their own. Who are not in the hospital for any reason. Who I GET to take care of...but let's be honest. This thought usually comes second to last. The first thing is always, okay...I can do this. I can do this. Just start doing and it will get done.

And then I come up with something, one thing at a time, but just one thing that I need to get me through. 

If it's reading the bible, then the children have questions and will not give me quiet or alone time to read or even comprehend what I'm reading. "Mom, what is this?" "What am I supposed to do on this assignment?" "Can I have more breakfast?" "Mom, I'm sorry I spilt my water on your stuff."

If it's a cup of coffee, it gets left in the microwave too long (during the second reheat) and explodes, thus creating more work. Then more questions come, "Mom, what happened?" "What's that smell?" "What'd you do?"

If it's cleaning, I will do a job to turn around and find it needs to be done again almost immediately. And more thoroughly. 

And the list goes on.

Ever have one of these mornings? 

And it starts the night before. ALWAYS.

It's usually following a night where your baby or someone in your house needs you throughout the 

e n t i r e night. 

• The dog gets sick and has explosive diarrhea.
• The child has a cold and can't breathe through the night.
• The baby just threw up all over your side of the bed. And it's the kind that really stinks so you can't ignore it until morning.

Oh, and fun fact, I'm ALSO the type of person who CANNOT go back to sleep once I'm awake. Very rarely when I wake up can I go back to sleep and if I do, it is h o u r s later. 

It happens to all of us. And it just sets the tone for the entire next day. No matter how hard you try, you can't beat it. You can't even keep up with it. Defeat is the theme of the song and you are the lead singer.

The only thing that makes it all stop. And I mean STOP.

Is prayer.

For guidance. Support. Patience. A moment. The right words. The right timing to apologize to your children *ahem*. And then apologize again.

But the funny thing is that it will all start again. M A D N E S S. 

So you pray again.

All day long you feel like you're going to the Lord and "bothering" Him.

But then, you realize, He wants you to come to Him. Every time. All the time. Because He actually IS in control.
And maybe He's letting you go through the madness so that you learn to go to Him in prayer.

Huh.

the best love story ever lived

If we could earn blessings with good behavior and lose them with bad behavior, we would never tip the scale to our advantage. Helpless and wandering through relationships, life goals, and the necessities of life, we really don't deserve to have it so easy.

That being said, and supported by the behavior of man throughout history, our lives are so blessed by the love of God. Even the beauty of creation is a statement of love. The sunset that strikes you at your very core making you breathless or the fog in the morning that makes the world more quiet and calm. It's a wonder how these things of beauty still capture our attention in the midst of our selfish pursuits.

Our bodies are failing us with each day that passes. Our homes will never satisfy our longing to feel ultimate comfort, not just a place but the place where we belong. Our life will never be easy or handed to us, it is always something we have to sacrifice for and work toward. No matter the circumstance, rich or poor, healthy or ill, we all have a battle in life unique to our situation that requires hard work and sacrifice every day until the day we die.

Of course the Bible explains this in Genesis. The curse of man. Adam and Eve. If you haven't read it, you should. It makes so much sense of the things in life that we question. Why do we have to work? Why do we have pain? Why is this so hard? Is it ever going to get easier?

We are cursed. And what's worse is that we're disobedient. Disobedient to God, to parents, to ourselves. Just like man in Eden, we want the one thing we shouldn't want and shouldn't have. We want to see what will happen just once. Just one bite, one bullet, one kiss, one night, one bank, one jackpot, one drink. We justify it by saying that it will only be this once; but even we know in our hearts that this addiction to want what we shouldn't have will never end. We know it harms us, we've read the labels. Bottoms up. And we're kicked out of Eden.

Disobedience deserves consequence.
If a man murdered your family member, what would be the reason you think this person should go to jail or be killed in return? Whatever the consequence, you believe in your heart that there should be justice. Something should be done about this act. But why? Because the law states that murder is wrong? What if it didn't? If we put our hope in the law, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Law changes over time and between cultures. Law is conditional. Law has failed many people in the pursuit of justice. 

No, murder is wrong morally and strikes a chord of dissonance in our souls. Lying, cheating, stealing, even meanness feels wrong; because this disobeying of God's word affects our souls, who we are on the inside.

And then we try to define and justify our actions so that we can convince ourselves we are not wrong and have everything under control. Again, it will only be this once. One lie, one situation, one time. I can do what I want because I am in control...
Fun fact, if we are in control, we will lose control. It's our nature. God gave man a choice, and he disobeyed. For that, we are seeking that same comfort Eden offered in every step of our lives. And we're looking in all the wrong places.

I almost died. I didn't realize that by my selfish and immature decisions, I was putting myself in danger. I never thought things could get that messed up. I hurt a lot of people. And eventually my choices almost killed me. I should be dead. I deserved to die because it was my choice. No one else's. No one else should have died.
Someone I didn't even know saved my life. This man cared about my safety even though it put him in danger. He loved me and I didn't even know him. And what's worse is that my choices killed him. He died because I was selfish. How do I live with that?
His last act as a man was out of love for someone who didn't deserve it.



Jesus. It's a good read, the Bible. The best love story ever lived.

inefficiency

My mamma was young when she met my papa. She was fifteen, he was twenty. And she spent the next sixteen years trying to be a good girlfriend, wife and mother without dealing with any of her issues.
We all have issues.

Childhood is just a horrible process of figuring out what you do and don't like about the world and deciding by trial and error who you want to be and how you want to deal with your troubles.
Everyone has troubles.
Every family has an addict, atheist, abuser, etc.
And usually every family has more than one of each.

I believe teenage years are dedicated to figuring out morals and deciding what steps you want to take first to become the person you want to be. Friends, jobs, education, hobbies...they usually begin in this period.
Twenties are the years where you solidify who you want to be by making choices and sacrifices for the life you want. You go out with friends instead of finishing your midterm, or you go to sleep early to be more alert in a job interview, these kinds of things.

By making choices, you develop a pattern of your lifestyle that can will lead to both successes and failures. If you want an education you make sacrifices for the future you want; if you want a family you decide who to marry and raise the family with and what kind of home you want to establish.

Of course, this is all based on the idea that most choices are deliberate. There are those who I like to refer to as "floaters". They are typically fun-loving, free spirits who tend to float through life. They float into a situation and may or may not be aware of what they are doing. They could float into a scholarship opportunity, or float into a bad relationship.
I believe everyone floats at some point and may be more likely in certain situations. Maybe you pay great attention to your studies and not enough to your friendships, and before you know it, your "bestie" has found someone else to lean on. Or maybe you pay close attention to relationships and your boss tells you that you bring your drama to work. There is a balance to this thing called life.

Either way, twenties are the years of consequences from those teen choices and priorities that we made. All of life is just setting and resetting priorities based on new insights and information through experiences. Some people are stubborn and end up suffering because of it, and some wander from one priority to the next without followthrough or commitment.
It's up to you to decide where you fit and how much of your lifestyle is your responsibility.

After all this, you take your childhood and teen years and try to be the best version of yourself you can be. However, what about these issues? What do we do with those?

-------

I was making my kids lunch this afternoon and nothing bothers me more than inefficiency. Anyone who knows me knows this. And when reaching for the bag of baby carrots in the bottom refrigerator drawer I notice that the bag, which conveniently has a zipper closed seal at the top, has a hole ripped in the bottom. A deliberately ripped hole.
Are you kidding me? Who on earth....oh wait... the love of my life, that's who.
sigh
Well honey, darling, dearest...you're kidding right?
The bag has a very visible zipper closing seal at the top and if that's not enough, it says in English on the front "resealable bag". . .
My neck is tensing up just thinking about it. (glares at wall)
*clears throat* So I did what any healthy, loving, well adjusted wife would do and took carrots out of the HOLE in the bottom and ignored the bag and rolled it up and put it away. Yay for marriage.
(just a side note, I chose to be married to a wonderful man and this really is one of his top five issues so I'm pretty blessed)

-------
After almost twenty years, my mother and I, finally are working on having a healthy relationship. Both dealing with issues that go back beyond our years, generations of sin and such, you know the routine. I spent a good part of my life deciding I was going to do everything possible to not turn out like my parents, sound familiar? And guess what---it's disgusting how similar we are...ridiculously similar.
One thing I learned from my parents though that has stayed with me these twenty-something years; you have to actually deal with your past before you can have a future. Not running away, not giving up, but finding a way to reconcile, reset, refresh, whatever is needed.
Sometimes you need to stick it out and sometimes you need to reset the boundaries...but you have to figure out your life. You have to figure out what happened, why it has helped or hurt you, and whether or not any of it was your responsibility. Then you have to ask yourself what is most important to you, being alone in your principles or being part of the family that you've been given, even if it means that your relationships are difficult and seemingly impossible. Maybe it's worth it to have relationships instead of being on your own. Maybe it's not. Your choice.

But I really must say that even though you have this convenient resealable bag, you can put as many healthy, good items into it as you can fit--but that hole is never going to patch itself up. And all the good things you keep choosing for your bag are inevitably going to disappear because of that dumb, inefficient hole.

(going to go get a rice pack for my neck)

children, parents, and edification

Well my three year old son told me he didn't like me today. I have heard this from my older daughter as well but she was much older and I justified it because of her background. My little girl was in and out of foster care for six years and it was a long battle to adopt her so a lot of her behavior is still categorized as "undefined" or "unexplained". We don't know whether or not something is normal behavior for girls her age or if it is unique to her in her struggle. Also, how much are we overthinking it and how much thought should we give?
All of these fun questions of parenting left unanswered, and really left in God's hands through hours of prayer, as we experiment one day at a time.

But now, my son, three years old, decided to verbalize that he did not like me as his mother. Verbatim.

Of course, the logical, intelligent woman inside of me knows that this probably means I'm being a good parent. My son, being oh so ready for sleep, fought me on his afternoon nap. When he didn't want to obey and was disciplined, he decided to start yelling hurtful words.

But being completely honest, a little big part of my heart broke.
I never thought parenting would be so difficult in trying to actually parent my children. I thought they would appreciate that I am here for them, raising them with both parents involved in their life leading by example.

Everything in the world is encouraging parents to become friends with their children. And yes, this may come later as they are adults, but there should always be a boundary between parent and child so that each role can live out its purpose. Maybe with all the brokenness in families comes the added pressure to make your child happy thus leading to a hazy line of the parent-child boundary.

I will say that my little boy quickly took it back as I showed him that it hurt my feelings. It's good for him to learn that words have power and once said they can't ever be edited.

It all reminds me how much God wants a closeness with us in the same way we have with our children. Even closer, because let's face it, I am not God nor will I ever have or want such intimate knowledge about my children. I'm just not mature enough to be God on multiple accounts.
However, when we have our little lives disciplined in a way we think unfair, how quick we are to say we don't like the God in charge.

I'm just so thankful for the forgiveness for all the words I don't remember I've said and grace for those I do. And I'm also thankful for little toddler arms that hug me and tell me that I'm the best mommy in the world...that he loves me very much. I bet that's exactly how God feels when we obey.

13 years ago

I remember it well. I was getting books from my locker and saying Happy Birthday to a dear friend. I was in tenth grade and it was a tuesday. I remember my parents were out of town for work and I was alone with my grandpa for the weekend. As I went to class we were watching on television as the towers hadn't collapsed yet.
Having family in New York City who worked downtown, I was terrified.
And then it happened. That moment everyone in our country can't forget as they watched.

They fell.

------

What a tender memory; so many lives lost. A nation completely jolted by horror. After each attack, our country lost loved ones, acquaintances, community members, and citizens. We weren't sure what was happening across the country. One by one, we heard announcements of death and destruction. It was a mixture of emotions. Grief, fear, confusion.

And I hadn't suffered like some.

------

This was one of the times I remember talking about the future as a youth. Talking about what kind of life I wanted, what kind of country in which I wanted to live.

The VOTD:
Psalm 121:1-2
I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.

How appropriate. It's amazing to me how people cry out to God in times of trouble but when things go their way, they really could care less.

There's a song that I always sing when I read that scripture, "I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb, I will lift my eyes to the calmer of the oceans raging wild, I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside, I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You."

My prayer today is for the hurting. That we all can look to the Lord together, lifting our eyes to Him, in good times and in bad.

behold the beauty.

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; in the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.

It's amazing to me how desires can change when the heart changes. It's like my dad always says, "You can't have what you want, change what you want." Say it low and quick and it sounds just like him.

All I used to strive for was survival. Surviving life and all of its ups and downs. Now I really have the desire to be in this place where I can behold. To behold the beauty of God, in all His plans and loving desires for His creation. To understand more about Him and to know Him more.

Some days I look to Him every time I catch myself stumbling, other days it's as if every part of me wants to try to do it on my own. I never understood this nature until I had toddlers. Now I get it. I get how God loves us and in His sovereignty provides for us and helps us through hard times.

The internal battle of life really came down to one thing for me: conflict that comes from unfulfilled desire. Desire for peace, unity, love, quiet, calm, adventure, control, whatever it is.

It's the idea that we want something else, something we don't have. It's as if after the fall of man, we have this natural desire, or better yet, a yearning or longing for something that we just can't figure out.

I've seen this desire take over in peoples lives in ways they don't even recognize. These natural, created desires for unity and companionship. And subsequently the conflict that comes from not being able to have unity and companionship that is true and pure in the way we want it.

The only true companionship and unity we can have is in the Lord. Deep in our souls. We try to connect our souls to others on our own, finding something to worship, something to live for. Something or someone that might give us hope but inevitably will fail us. A relationship, a career, an education, a person, ourselves. It really can be anything.

But I've determined that this journey of seeking this true unity and companionship is what drives our passion for music, love, our job, and ultimately life. We were created to seek this out and find it somewhere. If we choose to ignore our need for spiritual unity and companionship we try to compensate in other ways. And, of course, this leads to our spiritual demise which carries physical, emotional, and intellectual consequences.

If you have this longing, you might consider asking God what it is and see if a relationship with Him will help fulfill these deep unmet desires. I would say something catchy here but honestly I bet my life on this and all my desires have been met because of it. Desires I didn't even know I had.

And now when I read about being in the presence of the Lord, it's as if something inside of me just leaps and says YES! I want that.

coffee, tea, or something delicious

So there I was...(yep, that's how I'm starting)

Three kids, a pretty awesome husband, a house and a dog. Ten years walking with the Lord. Finally I'm at a place in life to reflect and share about what I've learned. What I have tried and inevitably failed at on my own. What I've tried with the Lord and made some progress in...

(sigh)

Growing up in the same community most of my life, going to the same church for nearly twenty years, I'm one of those people you think you know. Until you realize you don't. And then it's shocking.

This blog will be my thoughts, life lessons, successes, and failures. It will be honest. It will be uncomfortable. But hopefully it will help someone who might be in a similar situation. It will be dripping with sarcasm and it will dramatically describe the everyday life and past experiences of a woman who really struggles and really rejoices. 

One thing's for sure, I will not be sitting down to write without coffee, tea, or something delicious and bad for me. 

I only need one, but I do need want it every day. Just a little. And just for a moment.