So, I wrote this devotional for a young friend of mine who is getting married this summer. It is more of an inspirational reflection than devotional, but mostly it is just the way I love people. With words.
This post is completely and 100% something I really wish I would have known before getting married, and something I have to remember regularly in my marriage. My wish is that you would not just read it but really think about and apply it to your life. Of course, no one can be prepared for what God has planned but when you are in that moment, the moment you realize your husband isn’t who you thought he was. Or the even worse moment, when you realize you’re not the wife you thought you’d be. Or the worst moment of all, when your marriage goes through something that you really didn’t want and don’t like. That’s when God is at work. And that’s when these ten things I wish I woulda known are a good reminder to us all.
In the beginning of your relationship, everyone thinks their marriage is going to be amazing! Because it is. Duh. It is going to be the biggest blessing of your life! Your husband will balance you in the ways you need, maybe not the ways you want, but he’ll be what you need. He was designed for you, by the Almighty Creator. That is no joke. And while we all have high hopes, dreams, and plans for our marriage to be successful and loving and awesome…we also know that marriage is hard work.
Lots of marriages can work and even last, but a happy, successful marriage happens when marriage is carried out God’s way. I haven’t been married long, eight years in July (applause), but I can tell you I have learned more about God and His love through my marriage than any other relationship in my life. I can tell you with certainty, if you dedicate your marriage to the Lord, He will bless you. But He will also teach you some very uncomfortable things about yourself.
And these ten things, ten lessons that I have learned about what I wish I would have known are blessings for you if you’ll take them. And they might help you avoid some of that discomfort in your own marriage. Or at the very least help you through it.
#1. Your words are eternal. You might be thinking that your husband knows exactly how you feel about him. He knows the truth, even if you get into a little disagreement, or maybe a big one. And you say something, under your breath or maybe you make a comment about him in front of others and of course, we all say things we don’t mean. We apologize and we forgive…but do we forget? Before you speak, think. I said many things in the early years of my marriage that I didn’t know would carry as long as they did.
Words will bear fruit if they are encouraging and loving but harsh words, especially if they’re true but maybe not necessary, will have consequences in future years and last much longer than you ever wanted. This is a warning, be careful what you say. Your words are very important to your mate. He cares most about what you think and feel about him. They will shape how he thinks about himself, you, your marriage, and sometimes other people. Your words have bigger consequences when someone is listening to you, and your husband is listening.
#2. He needs to hear you say yes and no. Sometimes your hubby will ask you for your opinion, and you should absolutely give it to him! You are his soulmate. It is God’s plan that brought the two of you together. BUT give your opinion in the right time, in the right way, and with the right heart. There will be times when you agree and disagree about how to move forward, handle a conflict, or even in making daily decisions-- he needs feedback from you. "Yes, I love it! No, I’m sorry, I don’t think we should buy a boat. I don’t really feel like camping in the rain, again. Absolutely, I think that’s a great idea!” Remember you are his helper. He needs your wisdom at times to make decisions, even if it’s just encouragement in the right way or a soft warning about the wrong. Don’t be silent. And don’t be a “I told you so” wife. Be a helper. Be wise. And be loving.
#3. The two of you are different. This was news to me. When I was getting married, I thought Adam and I were totally on the same page about pretty much everything. Now, granted we were on the same page about the big stuff and that’s all that matters…right? Well, when you’re married, for some reason all those little differences start to add up. And at times, it can feel a little suffocating. Most of us have heard about this, but there are a few differences between male and female. Other than the physical, there are big differences emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. What you like, what irritates you, how you handle pain, how you handle conflict, what you do when you’re frustrated, how you handle disappointment, even how you worship the Lord. These are all situations that you will encounter in your life together, and you may or may not be on the same page.
Story time: Adam and I love to road trip. We have been on so many road trips, I wouldn’t even be able to count them. I remember on our most recent road trip there was a moment that was quiet. The kids were getting over their sugar-high and starting to fall asleep. The music was pretty low and I was daydreaming about my marriage. I was thinking about how sovereign God is and how great it is that I married a man that totally gets me. He balances me. It’s awesome! And then, Adam asked me five little precious words, “What are you thinking about?” And I thought, (sigh) the love of my life. He wants to have a conversation with me....Now, I’m a words person. I love to hear what people are thinking. And I love long conversations that are meaningful. So here I am, married to a man that gets me and WANTS to talk to me. So I answer. “Marriage.” (BIG SMILE) and then there’s a pause. Because we’re just so on the same page, I can feel it.... We’re going to have this awesome moment of connection. And as I sit in my awesome moment with my husband, I then ask, “What are you thinking about?” And he answers, without hesitation….”Sunflower seeds.” Yes, my husband, even after being prompted by my topic choice of marriage, chose to tell me that he was thinking deeply about sunflower seeds. And I’ll tell you…it was actually pretty perfect. It really just made me bust out laughing. And that was it. That WAS the conversation. Talk about balance. Here I was 100 feet deep in romantic seriousness, and Adam was thinking about the complexities of life’s most trivial snack, sunflower seeds.
As you and your husband figure each other out over the years, keep in mind that you will have similarities and differences. You will have things in common and you will have differences in your preferences. And this is part of God’s design. Don’t mess with it. It’s on purpose. Don’t try and make him like you. And don’t try and be like him. Don’t expect that he’s going to do, think, or feel something the same way you do. Sure, at times you’ll balance each other out and sometimes you might rub off on each other, but you gotta stay true to who you are if you want to be the wife God wants you to be.
#4. He cannot read your mind. This took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out. And in fact, I still might be guilty of this every now and then. We humans want intimacy, and we want to feel understood. But despite what he might tell you or lead you to believe, your husband is not a superhero, he’s not a magician, he doesn’t have special mind-reading powers, he is not God. He doesn’t know your thoughts. And he doesn’t know the desires of your heart, unless you share them with him. If you feel like chinese food or if you want him to buy you a card, be specific about what you want. Let him learn who you really are, not who you want to be.
There is a balance to this, sometimes we should keep our thoughts to ourselves. Sometimes our thoughts are not very loving…okay they’re not loving at all. There will be a sense of comfort in your marriage, and it is supposed to be there. You’re supposed to grow familiar with each other. But with the familiar, there is a big difference from a dating relationship where there are a lot of unknowns to a marriage relationship where you share a bedroom, a home, the sink, the couch, everything. This change in your relationship means a little less mystery. This doesn’t mean that you wear sweatpants every day and don’t put on lip gloss for your man just because he’s gonna kiss it off. You still have to put effort into your relationship, and he will still have to put effort into figuring you out. But again, he can’t read your thoughts. If you want something, or really need something from him, tell him. With kind words. Again, in the right time, in the right way, and with the right heart.
#5. He is not going to complete you. No matter how loving he is and how perfect and wonderful, and all the other things you think about your husband, he will never be enough for you. You are supposed to have a longing for your husband. Take care of this. Go on regular dates, and make time for intimacy, spend time walking together and talking about your thoughts. But remember your Savior. If you want to feel understood or have deep connection, you have it right in front of you. All the time. You have Jesus.
The only way you will be able to love your spouse in a selfless, baby I love you even though you never put your dirty clothes in the hamper kinda love, is gonna be with the help of Jesus. You will need the love of God to have love for your man. And even with all the love your hubby could give, you’ll still have a deeper longing. Many women complain about not having a connection to their husband, and I think really they’re going to the wrong man. I’ve known many women who were married to unbelieving men and still able to have deep intimacy with their Savior and have a working marriage. Now, hopefully your hubby is walking with the Lord, and everyone wants more than a working marriage. So remember your husband, remember the needs of your marriage, and remember that you will always need and always have your God.
#6. He’s going to need your attention more than you think. I was under the impression that getting married to a Godly, Christian, handsome, awesome guy would mean that he wouldn’t be tempted to look in the other direction. I thought that by the time we got married, he would have dealt with this temptation or would think I was so awesome that temptation would just *poof* evaporate. (shrug) I also thought that I would never be tempted. ---It’s not true. Don’t deceive yourself. Temptation has nothing to do with who you are and what you do. We are promised to have temptation in life and this is not sin. But in marriage, one of the awesome things we GET to do is help prepare each other for the temptations of the world.
If you’re not making time for your husband in the bedroom, you’re not preparing him for what’s waiting for him outside of your home. And likewise, if you’re not sharing yourself with your husband, your whole self, you’re much more likely to find yourself running to romantic novels, movies, or even emotional affairs that turn into more. This is the real world. And the world doesn’t care about your marriage or purity. Satan wants to drive a wedge between you and your husband. We all know that a lot of marital conflict comes from fighting about sex and money. So share your money, and share your bodies, and all will be well. :) It’s your job to protect him. And if you don’t then neither one of you will be safe.
#7. Loving your husband will become a choice, and at times will not be a feeling. So, you know that incredible falling-in-love experience. Where you just feel so great to be around the person and everything they say and do you just think is the absolute best? They really DO NO wrong. And even the little things that might be road bumps on your happy love journey, they just work out! Well, it won’t always feel like this. Actually, it won’t ever feel like this unless you choose to feel like this.
Loving your man in the beginning was kind of easy and at times happens more easily. When he makes the right choice, leads you in the right direction, when he makes you laugh, or whispers how much he loves and appreciates you, or even when he tells you you’re beautiful ALL the time (even when you know you could look better). Loving him used to just happen. And whatever he said and did, you always gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought about what a great guy you got!
But after marriage begins, for some reason, this is not our first reaction as wives. We typically have a harder time giving the benefit of the doubt. Always reading into things and being upset about something that they may or may not have actually done. Your feelings as a wife, somewhere in the early years go from “absolutely in love” to “absolutely... crazy”. I don’t know why, maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s that we’re more vulnerable. But I have heard from many wives that their husbands say wonderful things to them but the wife kinda dismisses it because they feel he has to say that. That’s not how we felt before marriage, but like I said, we get a little crazy.
Remember to not be driven by your feelings. Feelings are important, and God created them to set us apart in creation in order to properly live for and worship Him, however, the feeling of love flutters in and out of your life. Don’t let this feeling carry you in and out of your marriage. It will. You will always have a choice to love your hubby or dismiss your marriage; choose to love your husband despite your feelings. Choose to honor him and respect him because God made him your husband.
No matter the decisions he makes, or the words he does or doesn’t say, whether or not the two of you are getting along, you can still choose to love him. And a little hint, your heart will always follow your thoughts and words. If you think about the good things and speak about the good things, you’ll feel good things toward your husband. :)
#8. You will have to choose to be content. Have you noticed how when we become adults, somehow our lives turn into a big to-do list? And the only thing you can think about is the next thing on the list? Graduate high school, apply to college or get a job, pay the bills, find a man, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have some kids, on and on and on. Before you know it, you start blaming your discontentment on the fact that you’re on number three on your list instead of number five. Or once you complete something, you don’t even take time to enjoy, just on to the next.
When Adam and I got engaged, there was a lot of drama going on. Drama with friends, family, the church, and for some reason I just decided to become this Hurry-up Harriet about everything. I was in a hurry to do my hair, hurry to go to the store, I was in a hurry to go to bed, I was in a hurry really to get married! Well, once I was married, I didn’t take time to enjoy my marriage. I just hurried along and then I began to rush rush rush Adam everywhere.
It was so stressful, not to mention I never took time to just be content in the NOW. I know this sounds like a self-help message, be in the NOW, but God has different seasons in life for a reason, to make us strong, wise, and awesome women for Him and His glory. Every time we hurry along, we hurry right through our life and we end up missing precious time that God set aside on purpose.
Now, I’m not saying you should be 15 minutes late for everything. And I’m also not saying that planning for the future and being excited about the future is wrong. Dreaming together is great, and it’s one of my favorite things to do with my husband. But smiling and laughing now is important for the health of your marriage. Just smiling at each other and holding hands. Enjoying today while looking forward to tomorrow. There will be rough seasons in your future and there will always be something to distract you from the joy you could have now. Enjoy each day. Make a point to be content in this season, whatever season that is.
#9. Your husband is going to change. Over time, things will happen in your marriage that you will not be prepared for. When Adam and I were first were married, we had a plan! We thought we had it all figured out. Well, when you dedicate your marriage to the Lord, it’s amazing how He will use it. And how He will take control when you forget He is in control. In our first year of marriage, we had our identities stolen and lost all our money on a day we had bills due and groceries to buy, we took in a toddler who needed a home and moved so we could accommodate, we became property managers while working full time and going to school full time, then we had to lose our family when our toddler moved out, and this was all in ONE year. One very long, full year.
Now, most couples go through hardships in the first few years. Be prepared for this to shape and change your marriage, you, and your husband. The man you marry will grow and change, he will not stay the same. Some of the change might be good, some might be a little hard. It will be your job to make sure he holds onto the good in who God created him to be.
I remember a time when Adam was really disappointed about our life, it was right after our first miscarriage. He was helpless. He couldn’t protect me the way he thought (men always think they can protect us from all hardships, they’re so cute), and he felt that he had failed me in some way. Now, this wasn't anything I said or did. He just was down and he needed to be reminded of who he was in Christ. So, I got to!
I told him who he was when I married him, how he had changed in good ways and stayed the same in good ways, and how he had never failed me and that this was God’s doing and on purpose. Of course, this wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth in the middle of a trial…but it came eventually. Being married is super fun! You get to watch as your husband becomes more and more of the man God wants him to be. And you get to be a part of it! :)
Something I wish I would have known is that the man I married was going to change and that I shouldn’t expect him to stay the same forever. A lot of disagreements and frustrations were because I was so impatient and wanted him to be mature and amazing at everything right now! But a beautiful marriage takes time. You and your hubby need to grow into a rhythm. And the hard things you go through together will strengthen your marriage and make you unbreakable, if you go through them focused on the Lord.
There will be many opportunities to help each other grow. As you both go through situations in life, you can help each other and support each other in the ways you need and the ways God commands. Be patient with your husband and be patient with yourself, because God will help the two of you become the spouses you need. God will change your hubby over time and reveal more of who your husband is to you as he becomes more of the man God wants him to be. And you will change in your marriage. You will not stay the same, which is good. But hold onto the things about you that God put there and try to be patient with yourself as God changes you into the wife your husband needs.
#10. He is not your only spiritual leader. Last but NOT least, the thing I wish I would have known number ten is that my husband is not my only spiritual leader. In fact, he is not even my primary spiritual leader. We are to follow Christ first, our husband second. It’s important to not use your hubby as an excuse to drift in your relationship with the Lord. Don’t forget about your relationship with the Lord, there will be times when you need it.
It’s important that you and your hubby pray together, thank God together, read together, have fellowship with each other and reflect on God’s goodness. But if for a season you are finding that your husband doesn’t lead you this way, and perhaps is just busy or maybe not making time for the Lord as he should, you are not allowed to use this as an excuse to not spend regular time with the Lord yourself. You can hold him accountable and you should as his helper, but you can’t take over as being the spiritual leader. If your hubby isn’t doing the job he needs to, gently tell him, pray for him, and remember your God.
When life gets busy, hard, sad, happy, smooth, God wants to be there for you! If you have something in your relationship with your husband that bothers you, I mean, it might happen maybe that something will bother you in the far far future about your husband, you can always pray about it. :) Remember you have a God that loves you, cares for you, wants to hear from you and see you do well. He has given us the Holy Spirit because He wants to see us succeed in a mighty way!
The Holy Spirit can give you patience, kindness, love, and joy when you need it. He can also give you wisdom to discern how to speak to your husband. Taking your cares and concerns to him in a loving and gentle way, or maybe in a fiery, firm, but respectful way. There are times for both but discernment is key! Your husband is called to be the spiritual leader but if he doesn’t lead you in the way you need to be led, don’t use this time that your husband might be struggling as an excuse to be lazy. And maybe your husband is an excellent spiritual leader (Praise the Lord!) and the two of you share awesome fellowship. But make sure that this isn’t the only time you have time with the Lord. Because when he is gone all day, or if he leaves for a bit of time, you’ll want to keep communion with your God so that you don’t struggle with sin or are tempted beyond what you can handle.
I have found that in every hard season of our marriage, when Adam and I were really struggling to get along, it was also a season I wasn’t making time for the Lord that I needed to. I was looking at Adam as my spiritual leader and forgetting about my Lord and Savior who led me long before Adam ever did.
So there are the ten things I wish I would have known. Now you can go and be perfectly prepared for your entire marriage! :) Ha! Yeah right.
I don’t know if you’re a stubborn person, but Adam and I are both pretty stubborn people. I’m usually stubborn because I’m right. And Adam is usually stubborn because he is also somehow right….? I don’t really get it either, but I think two stubborn, young, know-it-alls living under the same roof is fantastic! It is God’s way of forcing you to become more like Jesus. You have to really practice what you preach about being a Christian. That is why if you're married, your marriage is the number one ministry of your life.
If you love Jesus, then you need to work things out with your husband. Your relationship with him is going to be the most important ministry of your life because it’s going to reflect your relationship with the Lord. And the greatest thing is that God gives us daily opportunities to put someone else first. Before our feelings, before our wants, we get the opportunity to serve and love someone else as a way of serving God.
We can’t be prepared for everything, but in marriage, we can walk through life with the Lord at our side. To catch us, direct us, cheer us on when we do well and to redirect us when we get a little off the path. Just don’t forget that God brought you here to this stage in your life because He loves you and your husband, has a plan for both of you, and wants to lead you both and see you succeed every step of the way.
