adopting a child & six tools that help

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Adoption is such an awesome opportunity to take in a child that needs a home and love that child with a life-saving love. However, many people have no idea what the adoption process is like before entering into it. I know I didn't.

Adoption is a big topic with many different types to it. There are open adoptions (where the birth family is involved in the child's life), closed adoption (where the birth family has no contact), adoption at birth (adopting young babies), and adopting children or youth. There are also sub categories of learning, mental, or physical disabilities, and many other types of behavioral issues or past struggles of the child that you can choose. You can adopt within your state, country, or choose international adoption. You also might adopt a relative, a child in foster care, or an orphan (child from an orphanage) whom you may have or haven't met.


Already, it's more complicated than most of you thought. :) I know it was for me.
There are many misconceptions about adoption. Here are some of the false ideas floating around:

• It's an easy process.
• It's better than bringing more children into the world.
• It's easy to adjust with time.
• The child will love you.
• The child will be happy to be adopted. 
• You are saving this child from a terrible life.

There are other false ideas regarding the uniqueness of your family, whether or not you have other children, provide foster care, etc. But we'll stick to these basic ideas listed.

• The truth is adoption is a long, exhausting process and isn't final until the judge rules in your favor and actually signs the documents. 
• Adoption is not better or worse than having your own child rather it is completely different and can be more or less difficult depending on how quickly and easily you can get pregnant. 
• The adjustment period takes years for both parent and child, depending on the age and situation of the child. 
• The child (ages 2-17) might not love you right away but rather fear you (in an unhealthy and unavoidable way) and may go through a honeymoon period before showing their insecurities. 
• The child might not understand that you have given them a new, better life (this might come many years later). They might even miss their life of abuse or neglect and often wish they could return.
• And YOU are not saving this child from a terrible life, rather you are providing them a new life where they can process their past that is still very much a part of them. It should be stated that their healing and salvation can only come from Jesus Christ, which hopefully they will learn and believe in your new, safe, loving environment.

Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful calling, outlined in scripture, as a priority for God's church.  And the reason I write this is NOT to discourage anyone from adopting but rather PREPARE you for what you will feel, think, and experience when you adopt your sweet little one.

This article is mostly written for those of you wanting to adopt a child (ages 2-17), however, many babies who are adopted can grow to experience issues and complications because of their birth family, health during their pregnancy, generational sin, or become confused about their identity.

My daughter was a family member in foster care who had a closed adoption at the age of 8 yo. She was in and out of foster care homes for over six years, including my home. I won't go into specific details about her because it's not my story to tell but rather keep to the basic information from my mama-perspective. It is probably not the same situation as yours, however, these tools are precious pieces of information that I have found to not only work but bless my family. And I hope that in whatever stage of the adoption process, or in whatever unique situation your child is, that you can be encouraged and equipped with what you need in order to get through your day. (my mama-policy is one day at a time and some days one hour at a time)

Six Precious Gems I Learned from Adopting

1. Looking at Your Child as Chosen & Set Apart
I believe that God is in control of all things; that He has planned for and knows all things and that what He has planned is good.
He has planned for and knows my child. And what He has planned for my child is good.
Remembering who God is and how He works when my fears and concerns sneak in helps when my little one continues to disobey and dishonor me as her parent; when we, as parents, are up against the "unknown" of the situation.

With our birth children, we know almost everything they're exposed to. If they have a scratch on their arm, we can usually figure out the when, where, why and how of the injury.
With adopted children, we can know some details but we weren't really there. We have only precious pieces of information about their past. We usually don't know all of the "where they were, who they were with, how, when, or why it happened". And for anyone who's been there, you know that this can be very frustrating as a parent. Out of love, you just wish you knew what your child was up against.

However, resting in the fact that God knows everything and was there with your child, watching and feeling everything with your child, helps you as a parent be able to direct your child through their memories, hurts, and questions. And while teaching them that God was with them, you're leading them back to Him.
He has a plan for your child's hurts. This is so important for your child to know. And for you to remember.
I have had to actually chant this out loud in my bathroom at times. In the mirror. Over and over again.

If God has planned for your child to be in your care, this means He has rescued your child in a way that many children never see or experience. :( He has a plan for you to raise up this child for His glory. You have to hold on to this belief. He doesn't make mistakes and doesn't carelessly make decisions. You have been chosen for this task by the Lord, Almighty. The task of teaching your child about God's love and salvation through His Son. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for His divine plan.

Now, manage your expectations of this. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for something in God's will. However, we don't know what that something is. Just because you believe in God's sovereignty and your child was adopted into your family doesn't mean your child will not struggle with the difficulties of their identity and history. However, it means as an example to your child YOU can rest in the fact that God has been working longer than you have even KNOWN your child and loves your child more than you do. It means you can teach your child about His sovereignty and love in working out all the details for your child to now have a safe and loving home. And you can have faith that God will continue to be sovereign and loving in the future. You can trust Him.

2. Giving Opportunity to Process
The truth is that many times throughout your normal week, your child could be reminded of past hurts any number of times. You usually can't tell what's wrong but you know something is there. You can see it in their face, behavior, or even hear it in words. It's the way they are acting or speaking that tells you something is off.

It's important to not ignore what God might be pointing out to you.

I've even just felt something in my soul (thank You, Holy Spirit) that I needed to go talk with my child. That something was going on that may or may not need to be discussed but definitely needs to be allowed.
The issue is that your child needs to know that you care and that you'll make time for them if they need to talk. Not to be confused with them being in trouble or that they are a burden in your busy schedule.
So many times I would walk into discussions frustrated and emotional because deep down, I don't want my child to have any issues. I don't want them to struggle.
The truth was, my frustration as a parent was coming from what I knew had happened and all the times I wish I could have rescued them. And while it's right to be hurt, frustrated, or sad, we also need to remind ourselves and our child that life is full of struggle and its how we handle the struggle that directs our next few steps in life. And also that God uses that hurt in a glorious way!

I don't want my child to be bitter and unforgiving, so I can't be bitter and unforgiving.
I want my child to be open and honest in the right timing, so I need to be open and honest in the right timing.
I'd love for my child to be thankful and meditate on the good things in their life now, so guess what I need to do?...the list goes on.
And while they may need time and patience from you to process their thoughts and memories, also life needs to keep going. We can't allow our child (or ourselves) to be too distracted by the past. Perhaps have a memory-time out, or a five minute share time ending with a hug or prayer. Whatever you choose to allow as a safe place and time to discuss things, make sure you have an end in sight. Help your child learn how to process who they are, who they were, and who they might become. Talk about their WHOLE story.

In my family, some of our most personal discussions end with fun dreams of the future.

3. Going Back to the Abuse & Calling it Out
For many years, children can show anxiety in a certain situation or maybe they get angry or manipulative. Some of this is normal with childhood, but you know your child's normal amount from the over-the-top amount. This is a situation that you can easily step aside with your kiddo and say, "Hey, I see that you're acting this way. This is what I've noticed...What do you think?" and explain to them that you've seen a pattern and it might be because of _________ from their past. Help them understand why they are acting in a way that even they don't like. Or ask them what they think about it. Maybe they see it too. Just make sure you give them a structured time of talking about it. Let them know ahead of time, you need to only talk for a couple minutes. With the tone of your voice, make them aware that they are not in trouble but you just want to be alone with them for a minute.

I love when our cute little ones share really inappropriate stories in the middle of your Christmas dinner with family and friends. Or when they wait until you're just about to leave and go somewhere and choose THAT moment to want to process their past. Or, my favorite, the very minute they are in trouble for something, using their past stories to try and get out of consequences of wrong choices.
Now, some of this is normal with all children, but some discussions with your sweet adopted child might go in a direction you never anticipated.

It's so important to be the parent. While being available is important, that doesn't mean your child runs the show. If they want to talk to you about something in a moment when you have three minutes left on the timer for dinner, maybe NOW is not the best time.
Simple-fix: ask them if this can wait until later (pick a specific time) and maybe they can go write down what they want to talk to you about. Or draw a picture. (I have almost burned down the house having discussions with my family numerous times, remember to turn the oven OFF) Help them not to forget what they want to say, but let them know that you "making time" for them doesn't mean "all the time" or "anytime".

When the sharing comes, it's important that you call a spade a spade. My approach has always been to be as honest as possible with their understanding and developmental age. If your child knows what truth and lie mean, they will figure out which one comes out of your mouth...be careful.

Again, keep it age-appropriate people.
If your little one isn't sleeping well, don't scare the daylights out of them with stories of police, jail time, and abuse. Especially in the evening time. Remember to use descriptions that they give, (scary, hurtful, mean, etc.) but give reasons why people act the way they do. Maybe their mom and dad made poor choices, didn't have a good family of support, were addicts, were young, went to jail, etc. You don't have to discuss every detail but whatever you tell them, it should be honest. As they grow older, they will want to know more and more truth. This is unavoidable. Tell them pieces and tell them you will share more with them when they are older.

Also, give them a story of hope every time. Remember the Bible; it's illustrations and history are very helpful in giving your child a different visual in the discussion. Most of the bad situations in their past were caused by sin.  Hope is found in the fact that we are ALL sinners and need a Savior. The solution for sin is found in Jesus. He was the only sinless human being and it is okay to talk about others sin in order to learn from it and repent from our own. Help your child learn about God from their past.

And a warning: If you are lying to your child in any way, there is consequence to lying. Trust comes with honesty. If you sometimes tell the truth, they will sometimes trust you. Period. Maybe there can be forgiveness with a lie you've told, but it is my experience that at the end of the day my child knows that everything I've ever said to her is what I really believe and live by. Including I love you.

4. Redeeming What is Lost with What We Have
Sometimes you will see your child struggling and hope appears to be momentarily lost. It feels like you missed out on time with your kiddo. Your relationship doesn't go back to the beginning and you haven't been there for them in the hardest times of their life. Your child has trust issues and struggles to find joy and part of their childhood innocence has been robbed.

However, for all that was lost, there is an answer of hope.

We have the Lord on our side. Remember how He set you and your child apart for His divine purpose? Well, in that, we have Him on our side with His power and Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

The Lord can work mightily in giving your child the right kind of time with you and your family. He can give your child security in Him which helps your little one trust you more. He can give your child joy and innocence in the same way He gives it to you. You may feel and see what is lost but God can make up for all of that.

As you lean on the Lord to find the right way of parenting your child, you'll see Him work in helping you decide the right boundaries for your kiddo. Boundaries in your home, with your family, with others, etc. that enable your child to feel safe and taken care of. You will see how God can restore all the hurt and pain with love and strength. And while your child might have a unique story, God also gives them a feeling of being just like other children.

The last thing your child wants is to be different from everyone else because of their past. Being different in a "brilliant with science" kinda way is fun; being different in an "unable to socialize" kinda way is NOT fun.
Speak life into your children. Use positive words that encourage them. Compare them to others and yourself in their struggle and help them to feel like "part of the family"; like their issues are nothing new, because let's be honest, they're not.

The Bible says we are all adopted as God's children. We all have a past. We can relate with our kiddos. If your sweet little one is struggling, tell them to join the club! :)

Whatever you or your kiddo are struggling with, you have everything you need to help them! You have the Lord, His Spirit, His Son, and His Word. You have compassion, patience, love, and hope because of how God has adopted you. Whatever was lost, can be found again in the gospel.

5. Choosing Your Support Wisely 
Alright, we all need someone to talk, pray, cry, laugh, and relax with. Be careful to do this with the RIGHT person. Talking about your journey in motherhood is completely fine, even the deep, dark stuff that scares you. However, remember there are consequences to talking too much and to the wrong people.

Choose a Godly girlfriend who loves you and your child. It might be that your spouse is great support at times, but also he might be struggling just as much as you. There are times to share in your journey together in your marriage. There are also times to reach out for a different perspective that is not as intimately connected to the situation as you are.

Talk about your family to someone who can be trusted with the information. Someone who wants the best for you and your family. Someone who loves Jesus and will give you love and truth without judgment.

You might find it difficult to find a sitter if you do nothing but bash your children to every friend or family member you have. The goal is to find one or two special friends you can go to for the moments you are weak or lost and be strengthened in wisdom and truth. These relationships can help see you through a difficult season but require a sincere heart from you that wants answers. Not just a whiny heart that wants sympathy. (no judgment here, we all have out pity party moments)

Parenting is not easy in any situation. Adding variables like adoption, foster care, abuse, etc. do not help. However, there are people who have gone before you. There are even stories of adoption in scripture. You probably won't find someone in your exact situation but you can pray for someone who has the same heart for your situation as you do.

God will provide the support you need. Remember there will be times when He purposefully makes everyone unavailable because He wants to be your go-to. Examine your situation and go to the Lord first. He will give you comfort, peace, truth, and love without judgment in a way no one else can.

6. Having Faith & Waiting on Him
Finally, my favorite, the lesson that God taught me most recently--have faith and wait for Him. I never thought of motherhood as a journey of strengthening my faith until the last couple of years. It finally dawned on me (thank You, Holy Spirit), maybe the whole point of being a mother is to sanctify me?! Duh.
We all have seen God work over time and know examples of something that once frustrated us and later turned into a blessing that God was planning.

A seed of His sovereignty, as I like to call it. :)

He shows us these unfolded truths and blessings so we can trust Him and wait upon Him for His goodness.

When our child is defying our authority and testing our patience, or showing a behavior that could turn into a dangerous habit, we have a moment of panic (just being honest). But turn your panic into prayer and all of the sudden God shows you more of His mercy and grace than you have ever experienced. He can give your heart assurance and peace if you look back to Him and how He works. Taking your eyes off of your child and putting them back on the Lord.

Some of the things your child might struggle with are completely new to you. But God is sovereign. And He has seen it all. Maybe He will give you another adult who can minister to your child, maybe He will give you words of wisdom beyond your experience. Whatever He does, He will take care of your child. Looking to Him is the only thing you can do to give yourself rest and peace as a mother. 

Trust in His plan. The situation might frustrate our flesh, but learn to relax in His goodness and love.

And in the meantime, as we still have to live with and take care of our little ones, learn that having faith means lightening up.
Trusting in the Lord is not easy or natural. But the Spirit of God can help us to really trust Him and enjoy the parts of motherhood that used to be consumed with worry and frustration.

Complete this day out of love for the Lord. Out of a grateful heart for what He has done in you and your life, live in worship of Him. Praise Him for protecting, rescuing, and providing for your child so that they could be a part of your family. Praise Him for always being available to you as a mama, and for knowing the ins and outs of your precious child. Just this day, worship Him. Take on tomorrow when you wake up tomorrow. Today, just believe that He is doing something profound and amazing and go enjoy your life.

Waiting for the Lord shouldn't be stressful. If we believe He will work, and trust in His plan, then we should go out and enjoy our family while remembering that He's got this figured out.

Go have fun with your family, living life and sharing in honesty. There will be times of sadness, but it's nice that we can be sad together. We can be mad and imperfect together and let God be amazing through our hurts.

You and your child are perfectly positioned in this life by God. You are not a mistake and neither is your family. God didn't mess up. Wait and see.

to those of you struggling to find yourselves

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Colossians 3:1-3

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Through different seasons of life we can tend to be so busy we lose ourselves. We're so dedicated in serving our Lord, church, family, and community that we don't stop to take time for perspective. I've seen and heard that many woman after years of doing this end up really struggling to remember who they are or who they were before they got SO busy. It makes me ask, taking away the duties you have for being the woman involved in ministry, the wife your husband needs and the mother your young children need, what do you have left that's just yours & the Lord's? What do you do to maintain YOU and who YOU are in Christ?

Laying aside all of the busyness, who are you?

Many women serve the Lord through work, taking care of their families, serving the church, etc. but there's much more to being a woman of God than just being busy, getting married and having children. And what I've seen (and experienced) is that women who get so busy serving, who don't make alone time for their relationship with the Lord, start to struggle with finding their identity. Finding their life. They're almost too focused on their works.

All of the sudden, your life doesn't make you feel alive. And after some time of struggling with this, in come the emotional and mental issues. And in comes the world with all kinds of false ideas on how you can "find yourself".

There may be several of you struggling with anxiety, depression, anger, or maybe even crankiness about this very issue. And maybe some of you don’t struggle with these dark emotions, but you know what it means to be in a dark season of life. A season that seems far too long. A season where you seem stuck.

If you’re reading this, you either have a relationship where Jesus is your Lord and Savior or you’re reading because He wants to have one with you. We don’t believe in coincidences so we know that God is constantly at work in planning all the details of our life. He's planned for you to be reading this because He has something He wants to say to you.

And the Lord doesn’t just want a relationship with us. He wants a GREAT relationship with us. Filled with understanding, hope, grace, forgiveness and love (read those one more time slowly). Now some of you may know Him, but do you love Him? Do you have a great relationship with the Lord? Is He your friend? Is He your family? Is He your counselor, your comfort?

Some of you might have been raised up with Christ and some of you are being raised up right now. Either way, the struggle of remembering yourself and who you are is real. And these verses give all the answers we need in order to find our true life, a life with passion and purpose.

Seeking the Lord

We’re going to talk more about this scripture in Colossians in a minute but I want you to think about the last time you spent time with the Lord. Maybe it was this morning, last night, sometime this week, maybe it’s been a few weeks or maybe it’s been so long that you honestly can’t remember. 

There’s a precious thing that happens when we spend real time with Him. I mean the raw, honest, stripped down time with the Lord.

I don’t mean the "check-in”. Those of you who have teenagers know what this is, when your phone rings right at curfew allowing your child to say I’m what? Just calling to check-in.

This is a quick conversation with the important information. Bullet points almost, but not a deep connection and it’s almost as if your child has a timer and is trying to get off the phone with you as quickly as possible. 

This is when we check-in with God. We wait to talk to Him until we absolutely can’t put it off any longer. We don’t talk about what’s really going on. We just go over the bullet points and check it off our to-do list so we don’t get grounded.

And then there’s the "Hi-bye” conversation. Which in prayer-lingo is “Please-Amen”. Please help me with this, in Jesus name Amen. This is very elementary and doesn’t really reflect either person in the conversation. Who you are or who God is. You pray routinely but it’s so routine that you have forgotten how precious it is.

And lastly, my favorite, there’s the “Head-nod”, where you kind of acknowledge someone but don’t really care enough to stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. You’re busy, you’re distracted, but you make time for the Lord every Sunday and when it’s convenient in your busy life.

...I know, ouch...

Your relationship with the Lord is as deep as you want it to be. If you want to speak with Him, He’s waiting. If you say you want to know Him more, the only real excuse you have for not knowing Him is laziness.

And it’s not about how many times you talk to the Lord or how much time you spend reading the Bible, or even if you only listen to Christian music. Having a close and intimate relationship with the Lord only happens if you’re open and honest with Him. If you surrender each day to Him and His will. And that is not easy. Especially in those seasons where we are struggling.

However, when we struggle with depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed, or we just don't know what to do with ourselves, He knows what we’re going through. He knows the desire of our hearts. The desire for peace, joy, health, love, and unity. He knows how much we care and He cares more. So, the first way to refocus our minds and hearts when needed, is to go spend time seeking the things above where our Lord is who knows our minds and hearts much better than we do.

Some of you might hesitate to be open and honest with God because you might be angry with Him. Confused by what’s happening in your life. A little lost as to what God is doing. But honesty helps you approach Him with your cares. And communicating with Him gives you comfort and strength in ways you can’t imagine. 

Whatever struggle or season of difficulty you might be in or come to, spending time with the Lord will give your soul peace. And your soul guides your heart, mind, and emotions; it guides everything.

Don't think you're alone in your negative emotions. Abraham, Moses, David, and even Jesus grieved about different aspects of their seasons. They didn't faithfully carry out God's calling like emotionless robots. There were many times Moses was frustrated and spoke with God boldly. Abraham surely didn't skip up the mountain while singing to sacrifice his son Isaac. And even Jesus wept, cried out to God, and got so angry he threw some tables around about the sin of man.
Emotions are designed to set us apart in creation. When harnessed, they help us understand the Lord better. He grieves with us. He gets angry, frustrated, and sad.
Now, I'm not saying that your emotions should stand in the way of you doing what's right. And I'm also not justifying you throwing the table across the room when your children don't use their manners for the millionth time.
But with your strong emotions, walk in His path. This life is difficult, God knows. He expects us to have emotion and He knows our deepest desires, however grief is not an excuse to disobey.
This is why we have these illustrations in scripture, to help us understand how God works and how we can obey even when our heart might be torn. Our obedience is out of faith in His plan and love for Him.

Whether it’s in prayer, listening to worship music, sipping your coffee and meditating on His Word, or just being quiet and waiting on Him, what happens when we spend real time with Him is surrendering. We surrender our moment. Our thoughts. Our words. We surrender our difficulties. We surrender our life. This is what scripture tells us He wants from us and the precious blessing of spending this time with Him is that we walk away refreshed, having peace in our souls and hope for our lives. 

Setting Our Mind

Another way to refocus during a season of difficulty, where you might be a little lost, is to distract yourself in a healthy way. With my kids, whenever they get hurt, the more we talk about it the more it hurts. So, what do we moms do? We distract! Sometimes it’s with a compliment for our big, strong toddler who’s bleeding from their limb. Or sometimes it’s a hug or kiss and then a change in conversation. 

We do this to ourselves as well. A problem gets bigger and bigger the more we focus on it and talk about it. Now, some issues we struggle with in life NEED to be talked about BEFORE we move on. It is a healthy part of grief to process what’s happening, however, sometimes we can make more of an issue than what’s actually there. We can do this as parents, when we worry about our child after they fail one exam and we think they just threw away their future. Or we can do this as wives when we won’t let an issue go (an issue that really should be let go) and just keep bringing it up over and over again. 

The truth is, healthy distraction can be a tremendous blessing. Some of you might be passionate about health or the human body, preparing or cooking food, sewing or crafts, music or art, business or finances, sports or the outdoors, etc. It’s important to have something in your life that is yours. Something about you that brings you to life. Now some of you might be thinking, wow! Do I even have a passion? What IS my passion? YES, you do.

You were uniquely designed for A PURPOSE, LADIES! You can add something to this world that no one else can. AND God gave you your unique abilities to add to His Kingdom. Setting our minds on things above, not on things on the earth means we have a choice. Our passion can be used for His kingdom or for our own earthly goals.

Now, what I mean by that is this: I like to describe myself as having a “passionate personality", which really just means I’m loud and opinionated. However, I have learned that God made me this way because He has something to teach through me. He has something to share through my being loud. And that if I'm not humble and prayerful, I can create my own happy, little disaster. And by happy, I mean awful. And by little, I mean catastrophic. 

I used to talk negatively about my “passionate” self, saying how it used to get me into trouble... because IT DID. It hurt a lot of relationships and eventually I learned to HIDE my true self. No, no, no. I was going about it the wrong way. What I needed to do was dedicate who I am, passions and all, to His purpose and goals and not my own. 

He gives so many opportunities for you to use your passions for His glory. You just have to dedicate them to Him and ask for an opportunity.

A passion is something you think about, work hard for, and make time to do because it's important to you. Some of you might be thinking of a few passions you have and some of you might be searching. It might be connected to your job or might be completely separate. You will often find yourself doing it when you are stressed or have some down time. An idea of how to find your passion is to ask yourself what do I get excited about? What do I think about a lot? What do I talk about most often? What brings out my emotions? 

I got involved in music ministry because of how it moved me. I started writing and journaling when I was young because I had so many thoughts about life and how to live. Respond to your soul and find your passion. If you like to cook, cook a meal for your neighbor and surprise them! If you love to sew, bless someone with a project of love. If you enjoy sports, get involved in your community athletic team! These are all opportunities to meet people, share the love of Christ, and enjoy yourself! This is for you.

And just a quick note, every woman is passionate about her husband and/or children (or at least she should be), but these are your ministries ordained by God. Your passions are your choice and can change with different seasons of your life. My point is that your passions in your life should not be other people, they should be about other people but for you. They are parts of your identity that you choose. God might lead you in a direction, but He doesn't always tell you how to travel.

Whatever you end up choosing or are already involved in, remember that we have a divine duty of sharing the truth about Jesus Christ. Our passions are part of our identity but ultimately should point to Christ. Our passions should be about serving God and serving others. Whatever unique gifts God has given you can be used for His Kingdom. And should be.

Finding Our Life

For you have died, and your life is hidden in Christ. The more you’re in the Word spending time with Him and focusing your thoughts on Him the more you find yourself. And on the flip side of that, the more you focus on yourself and earthly things, the more you’re focused on temporary things that all pass away. They all die.

Now, I want you to think about this for a minute.

The world will tell us that a full, awesome, amazing life is driven by feelings. You can do whatever you want or need to in order to be happy. That our struggle is an excuse to behave in whatever way we feel. And all our stress’ can be covered with food, drinking, television, travel, or girlfriends. 

But the Bible says, the more we look to Him, the more we take our struggle and turn it back into prayer, resting in Him and His plan, focusing on His qualities and who He is, and putting our effort and energy into His Kingdom that’s when we find our true life. We find ourselves. 

I want to tell you ladies, this is God investing in you. You’re here and He’s here. Our life is not found in our feelings. It is not found in a diagnosis or in seeking happiness. Our real, true, passion-filled life is found in Christ. It’s hidden there, and the only way to find it is to seek Him. 

Now, I have looked to earthly things and I have been lazy in my relationship with the Lord...I know, shocker. The solution to this is repentance and grace. I needed to repent of my sin in having the wrong focus and not making time for my Lord. 

And then after repenting, I needed to receive the grace He had for me. To forgive myself and let that bad behavior or habit go. To recognize that I have a new life, a real life. And then focus my life on worshipping Him.

Questions for Reflection:

Seeking Him

How do you spend time with the Lord? Is there anything in your life holding you back from having a close relationship with the Lord?

Setting Our Minds

What are you most passionate about? How can you use your passion for serving the Lord and serving others?

Finding Our Life

Do you look to Him when feeling lost, confused, or overwhelmed or do you seek earthly things? Do you really know and love the Lord or is your sin holding you back from loving Him?

look at the birds & flowers

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This morning, looking out the window, I was reminded of the dreariness of anxiety by the rainy morning we've had. Looking out, everything is heavy and wet. Cold and still. Quiet.

And then a little bird landed by my window. Gathering up it's breakfast with no regard for me or my house. Just working away, hopping here and there, gathering the food that's been provided.

We've all experienced anxiety on some level. It might not be a deep struggle for you, anxiety or worry can grip you even in small ways. Whatever you worry about; your husband, marriage, children, parents, siblings, work, bills, house, car, homework, or even your garden. We all have areas in life that test our faith.
Anxiety and worry happen when we have little faith (if any at all) in whatever area is weighing us down.

Ouch.

Now, everyone has concern or the desire to be responsible or problem solve. But that is not what I mean. You should think about your family, bills, work, etc. However, when the concern becomes questioning or doubting that the outcome will be okay, when your concern turns to worry...it becomes sin because God wants us to have faith and not worry.

Instead of "being concerned" you should be praying. That concern or thought is a seed planted by the Lord urging and reminding you to pray.
When you don't pray, your concerns take over your thought life and worry takes over your soul.

I always think of this scripture when I see birds and flowers. And it really helps calm my soul of whatever worry I might be struggling with at the moment.
We are commanded to look and observe not worry and question. We are commanded to seek His kingdom and righteousness above our life.
Don't be worried about your life. Seek Him.

The Cure for Anxiety

25 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

three tools in managing "sexpectations" in marriage

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Everyone enters marriage with the plan that their sex life is going to be fantastic!
But a few months in, you're wondering what the flip happened?! You married this awesome guy, you both love the Lord, you were super excited about your whole intimate journey but then BAM...everything changes and all of the sudden, sex isn't as easy as you expected.
And then at some point sex isn't happening. (at least not as often as you or your husband thought) Maybe it's after a month, maybe a year, maybe ten years. But this happens in every marriage at some point.

It seems like with any big stage in life, from honeymoon to menopause, our bodies are constantly changing things up for us. It is a constant guessing game about how our lady parts work and whether or not what we are doing is actually satisfying.
Hormone changes, health issues, pregnancy, and the aftermath of giving birth are all areas where sex is going to feel different based on the condition of your body. This is normal. The only way to make it through the sexual roller coaster of managing "sexpectations" (expectations about sex) is by communicating with each other, seeking understanding of one another, and praying for yourself, your spouse, and your bedroom. If one of these three areas is missing, eventually your sex life becomes your sex death. The lack of intimacy between you and your spouse will create other problems in your marriage and can eventually kill the entire relationship.

I have heard from many married women that sex isn't enjoyable.
Bummer! Sex is supposed to be amazing! God created sex to be shared in the bond and union of marriage. There is commitment, security, and connection here that doesn't happen anywhere else. Anyone who has committed sexual sin, knows that it's not satisfying. Sex is only satisfying when it's carried out God's way, because it's not just physical. It's emotional and spiritual.
I say this a lot, (and will keep saying it until it catches on) but as married Christians, we should be the most sexually satisfied people walking the planet.
The truth is, when we don't communicate about sex with our spouse, don't try to understand each other and completely ignore our responsibility to pray for our marriage...guess what? Sex isn't satisfying and all of the sudden, your secular cravings take over and you start to believe the lie that your sex life would be better outside of God's design. In creeps adultery and temptation that hurts.

Ladies, we talk about everything from hair style ideas and bargain shopping to easy 3-step recipes and how to make diy seat covers. Why do we hold back conversation with our husbands about what's really important? Who cares about the weather? Or what your summer plans might look like?
If you're not having regular intimacy time in your marriage, something is wrong. If you're not satisfied with your sex life, you should know why and try to improve. This is not an area of your marriage you can afford to ignore. If you do, I'm afraid you're not doing your job as your husband's companion. And worse, you're missing out on the incredible blessing of marriage that God designed for you to have.
So, let's start with the talking part.

Communicate with your spouse
No! Communication doesn't mean saying you don't feel like it tonight.
I mean actual communication with words about what feels good, bad, worse, better, and what to try next time. What you're thinking about, what you're struggling with, what lies you've been taught, your insecurities, etc. I have recently been made aware that many married women, regardless of age and years of marital "bliss", have never had an open sex-talk with their husband.
BAHIDEJSKLDSIXHWSNWHAT?
Sorry, my fingers just spazzed out from shock. Never!? Some have been married five months, five years, or five decades and they have never talked about sex with their husband. Best case scenario that's a lot of sex with almost no feedback. (scary) Worst case scenario, no sex and no feedback. (sad)

Newsflash, your man doesn't actually know what it is like to be a woman. Go figure. He needs a little direction. And God bless him, he really does want to please you. So, help him out by talking about your body.

My prayer is that these words will encourage you to identify what is holding you back from communicating, help open up communication between you and your spouse, and give you the confidence you need to fight off lies and insecurities to be the woman and spouse God intended you to be.

Imagine that you and your spouse dreamt about eating a steak dinner. Years of dreaming about steak. So, you plan to make it together for the first time. (the food and sex comparison just makes sense to me)
Now, with a little bit of research and heresy, you decided to go buy the steak, seasonings, side dishes and everything you dreamt of when fantasizing about this delicious meal. You both get in the kitchen and realize you have NO IDEA what you're doing but you're gonna wing it! So, hey! We're makin steak, baby!
You get out a pan, or a dish and start preparing and cooking food, but really you're guessing the whole way through. You're laughing and enjoying the prep, but you're really looking forward to eating the meal and enjoying it! Eventually, the meal is cooked and ready to eat.
And then you both eat and don't say one. word. about. it. Now, you both finish the meal, but still no feedback about what it was like.
Are you getting this? NO feedback?
Was it good? Was it overcooked? Should we prepare it differently next time? Maybe one of you finished first. Maybe one of the sides was too much for one of you. Maybe try a different side next time. Maybe grill instead of bake, etc. There are many different ways to enjoy a delicious steak.
(this was a good analogy)
Without feedback, you really cannot improve. For your sake or your spouses.

Sex is a subject that should be discussed regularly in your marriage. And all of the details that go with it! How you feel, what you struggle with and perhaps why something is difficult for you, what you enjoy, when you were embarrassed, etc. Physical intimacy is a big part of feeling comfortable with your spouse. Regular touching and affection, but also talking about these things, asking questions about what your husband likes or dislikes, and giving balanced feedback about your experience (positive feedback and areas of improvement, both are important).

Once the communication is happening, you can move into the motive...understanding one another. Communication is not about tearing each other down, it's about building each other up. Improving your connection and making an effort to know your spouse better. This is the area where you should know and understand your spouse best.

Understanding yourself & your mate
Past exposure to sex has a big impact on how you view yourself, your partner, and even how comfortable you are looking at your own body (let alone, sharing your body). Being able to discuss these issues and receive healing can take time, however God (the Almighty, Sovereign, Amazing God that He is) chose your spouse and knows your past. It is His desire for you to share your whole self (body, mind, heart and soul) with your spouse. It is His desire for you to be healed and part of that healing comes from establishing a healthy sex life NOW with your husband. Whether it was exposure to sex before marriage, or a rough start to your happy-ever-after, being able to let go of past hurts, experiences, abuses, etc. and move on to victory with your companion is the goal! You want your marriage to do well? Your husband should know what your boundaries are and why. Even if you have hurt from your spouses past exposure, this will hold you back in your marriage.
A healthy sex life for your marriage depends on understanding one another. Communicating about the  past needs to be safe, open, and if necessary forgiven. This is the only way to move forward and create a healthy environment for you and your spouse to experiment with and understand each other. This forgiveness can allow the freedom necessary to move forward and create a sex life that works for both you and your spouse.

If you're single, as in not married (a lot of this article will be helpful for you in the future), your current struggle might be that you're in a sexually sinful situation right now. Whether you're having sex outside of marriage or practicing sinful habits that you believe will disappear when you're married, you are in a struggle right now that will hurt your future.
There are consequences to participating in sexual sin. No matter the kind.

If your desire is to honor the Lord, get out of the sinful situation you're in. Stop watching pornography or reading R-rated romance novels. Stop having sex with men who are not your husband. Stop masturbating and fantasizing about fictitious characters. Stop dreaming about another ladies' man. Just stop! These habits don't go away when you're married. Marriage is NOT a quick-fix to a sinful pattern. Your sinful pattern will affect your marriage in the future if there is no repentance.
Communication for you single ladies needs to happen between you and your Savior. You need to repent of this sin and create healthy habits now that will bless your marriage. Ask the Lord to help you stay away from sexual sin. And try to understand yourself now (why you struggle with this particular issue) so that when the time comes for you to go on your honeymoon, you can be confident and open with your husband and move forward successfully. Until you are married, guard your heart, mind, body, and soul for your future spouse. They are precious and will be very precious to him.

For us married ladies, our current struggle can be health issues, hormones, pregnancy, weight gain, poor nutrition, lack of exercise, lack of motivation, etc. This is our problem. We don't look like we used to and it bothers us.
Well, guess what? Your spouse wants you AND you can work at your body and attitude toward sex. Whether you struggle with confidence, initiation, desire, positive affirmation, etc. you can work at these things.
Start by having sex with your husband! (this will be the solution to many of the problems mentioned in this entry)
Really, though. Initiate by telling him you want him! (Especially make comments in the morning so that he's thinking about YOU all day)
Your confidence booster will come when you know your man is satisfied and it's all because of you.
Some other simple ways to work on being more confident are to relax, laugh at yourself, smile more often, love your body and all your baby-making/ baby-having curves! Just own where you are right now and make a healthy goal for yourself in order that you feel more confident.

Maybe you don't struggle with confidence, but rather desire. This could be your hormones or a health condition, however, you still have a role in your husband's life that no one else should fulfill. If your husband isn't coming to you for sexual satisfaction, that's a problem. If he is coming to you, talk to him about what you're feeling. Explain how it may not be satisfying or enjoyable because of what you're feeling physically. You are not the first woman to feel this way. If there is a physical problem causing you to have little or no desire to have sex with your husband, this should be discussed.
Sex should be enjoyable for both spouses. Talk to your husband about different ideas on how to change things up to possibly make them more comfortable or enjoyable. Also, you could ask your doctor about anything that could cause your lady to be "disagreeable". You both can feel confident that your goal is the same. You want to satisfy, understand, and enjoy each other. This is a great place to start!

Praying
This is the most overlooked area in your marriage! Praying about sex. Honestly, the idea totally threw me the first time I heard it. But really, it's a game-changer.
As Christians who are submitting to the Lord by keeping your marriage pure and undefiled, you want to create a safe place for satisfying intimacy for both you and your spouse. You make all the effort necessary to communicate to your spouse, research together, discuss ideas, understand each other better, and still, something isn't working quite right. This is when we pray.

• Pray for the right balance of purity and freedom. 
• Pray for the opportunity when you both have time and energy. 
• Pray for the kids to go to sleep early. 
• Pray for the confidence you need in order to share your whole self with your spouse. 
• Pray for the physical desire to have physical intimacy with your mate. 
• Pray that there is forgiveness and grace covering your relationship.
• Pray that sex is satisfying for both you and your spouse. 

Your desire for your spouse is Godly. Your desire to enjoy each other and know each other intimately is holy. What you are trying to accomplish, God is waiting to bless!
But, because there can be sin here, past hurts and experiences that grip us at our core...we have to pray. This is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battle. We should be praying for ourselves and our husbands. Whatever issues are specific to your marriage can be prayers you take to the Lord and let Him handle. God wants to see your marriage succeed and will bless you if you are faithful to love your spouse and make an effort!

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear! 

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer! 

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful Who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Too often, married people ignore the fact that sex is supposed to be a blessing in marriage and carry it like a curse. It's not a curse. Sex with your spouse is a blessing you should seek to experience, understand, and pray over until you experience security and satisfaction the way God designed.

Happy marriage everyone. Now, go be fruitful.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

5 financial issues that could be hurting your marriage

(Source)

I'm such a money-nerd. I love to have all my numbers in the black every month. To have a plan. To name every dollar. I know every time my husband or I use our money, what it's used for, how to correctly color-code and categorize that expense, and I don't just enjoy this...I love it. I feel so satisfied with all of it. And what I love most, is when God takes over completely. When He works outside of my responsible planning in a miraculous "only God could have done that" kinda way. Amen?

If you have ever had financial ups and downs and cried out to the Lord for help, you know what I'm talking about. When bills get paid and somehow you manage to make it one more month, even when you couldn't figure how it would be possible. Or when a blessing comes from out of nowhere and ends up paying for something unforeseen.
These are the emotional ups and downs we go through with finances.
Will we be able to make it this month? 
How are we going to pay this bill?
We really can't afford the lifestyle we have. 
What are we going to eat?
How much money are we actually spending?
Do we have any savings?
Why are my spouse and I so different with money?
This is the struggle. There is emotion and pressure here. There is need for a deep breath.
And this is why money can be one of those subjects that is never really directly brought up but can dictate the emotion of your conversations and control the heart of your home without you realizing it. You could be fighting about something small but with so much passion and emotion because really, it's about money.

If you're married, probably one of you is more involved than the other in managing the budget of your home. Regardless of which one you are, there are some things you could be doing that are really hurting your marriage. My goal is to encourage unity in marriage through your money. For you and your spouse to come together and discuss the actual issues you are avoiding or ignoring and hopefully, for your marriage to be blessed by the discussion. I know there is fear here, and the desire to respect and honor. But letting your spouse continue on in a bad financial habit is not doing your job as their spouse.

Money is meant to be a blessing and a tool. Something we can use to not only survive but bless others, further God's kingdom, and also enjoy in a holy way that pleases God. And you should be able to enjoy that money together.

Managing money in a responsible way can be such a blessing to your life. I have seen these five financial habits completely take over households until they eventually end up causing division in the marriage. There are many issues in financial management that can affect your marriage, but these are the five I wanted to discuss today. These issues always start small and grow BIG. I hope that this outline is something you can relate with and God can use to bless you in your marriage.

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#1 Separate everything vs. together attitude
This tends to happen in homes where both spouses make their own income. Earning your own income and contributing to your family is a wonderful thing! I know many women who work outside of the home and I think that you have to do what your family needs and what you need. Sometimes women work because their home needs the income. Other times, women might work because they enjoy working outside the home. Regardless, this can (but doesn't have to) create issues about income and budgeting if you have separate ideas about your income. Your money should be a tool for your entire family. There should be no separate accounts, separate splurges, separate bills, or separate debt. I know I might ruffle a few feathers with this, but honestly, it creates issues in your marriage. Each of you having your own income and depositing your money into separate accounts could function but it doesn't work the way you want it to. It ends up creating no accountability in your spending habits, no communication about your debts, and no support when you might really need it. Marriage should be a place where everything is brought to the table. No secrets. No separate lives. If you have separate income, you need to establish a together attitude. Both you and your spouse have strengths and weaknesses with money that balance each other; if you don't share everything with one another, this balance cannot exist. You might be able to spend whatever you want, but then guess what? So can your spouse. This "separate money" recipe creates an environment of judgment about spending, resentment about fairness, and your marriage ends up becoming an entitlement battlefield of who makes more money and should have the freedom they deserve. All your money should be accounted for and everything should be shared. It will also help give accountability with temptation to keep secrets or spend money on inappropriate things. This will bless you and grow you in ways you need.

#2 Confusing your needs with your wants
When you allow yourself to spend money on something that is a want, budget for it and stick to it. Marketing and advertisements are geared toward teaching men and women that they need what they actually want. The two get confused often and the lines become blurry.
The truth is women don't need thirty skirts and seventy-five pairs of shoes and men don't need the garage full of tools and wheeler-machine-boat-gizmos. (Yes, this was written by a woman who doesn't know proper tool names) But truly, these are wants. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting a boat or new pair of shoes.
The issue here is wanting what you cannot afford. Or believing that having that extra snow machine is going to make you feel satisfied and happy. If you can't afford something, be honest. There is no shame in admitting and sticking to a lifestyle of spending responsibly for your income. There IS shame in buying more stuff that you can't afford and eventually don't enjoy. You have plenty! If you attach feelings of satisfaction of life to your belongings, I hate to say it, but your issues run a little deeper than your pocketbook.
A new dress shouldn't give you happiness. The feeling of satisfaction should come from budgeting for and buying a dress for a great deal while being able to afford it! If you enjoy a bargain, good for you! But make sure you can still afford the bargain! I hear men and women talk about that one item they couldn't pass up because it was "such a great deal", but meanwhile that spouse is quickly losing trust every time he or she goes bargain shopping. Bargains can still make you bankrupt. And there is nothing more important than the trust of your spouse. Buying extra things isn't worth wrecking your marriage. Period.
Men and women can also enjoy their expenses together. However, examine your lifestyle and pay close attention to your strengths and weaknesses. Don't fall into the trap of becoming the customer that every business loves. Talk to each other and stick to your agreements. Don't buy things that you want while convincing yourself that they are needs. You really could live with a lot less.
And it might be better for you and your marriage.

#3 Not having self-control with your spending
With all of the technology available to our generation, there is no excuse for a lack of communication about purchases. EVER. You not only can text your husband while shopping but also rearrange your bank accounts! Amazing! It's a recipe for success. :)
Now that you are without excuse in communicating with each other, its all about follow-through. If you plan to spend $100, spend $100. Or maybe, just maybe, WAIT for the expense.
If you can't find what you were looking for with a price that is reasonable to what you were planning to spend, don't buy it. Wait, research, budget again, communicate, and then go shopping and enjoy!
If you like the freedom to spend what you want without communicating, you can plan for that as well. Both you and your spouse can agree on a specific amount that you put aside every month for "fun money". Or even for "home improvement" or "new house stuff". But again, this amount should be reasonable according to your income and you and your spouse should have equal say about the amount. If you find your spouse is spending more than planned, gently ask them what amount would work for them. Remember, the idea with this communication is not acting like a parent to a child. It's from one loving partner to another and the goal is to find a solution. There is no pointing fingers, blaming, or using the behavior as an excuse for giving up. This is about creating a system that works for your marriage! It is unique to you.
But in your unique marriage, the foundation is always built on communication and trust. You need to be able to trust your spouse when they leave the house. You also need to be the type of spouse that is trustworthy and be a person of your word. Your marriage can help you grow in responsibility and again be a huge blessing to you financially! But it's up to you to communicate about what works and what doesn't.  Plan for both of you to act in a trustworthy way with your money and find a way to agree upon what that means in your life.

#4 How much he spends vs. how much she spends
We all know that men have expensive tools, equipment, gear, and toys, and usually have expensive places to store these items. However, women spend smaller amounts more frequently, usually on beauty products, clothing, and social events. This is one of the touchy subjects in a lot of marriages. How much he spends vs. how much she spends.
After talking with a lot of married couples, I have realized that there are multiple sub-issues here.
One issue is when the hobbies are more expensive than both spouses realized, planned for, or can afford. There is nothing wrong with having expensive plans, but they need to be affordable and actually be expensive plans. If your spouse is worried that your $2000 hunting trip will exceed your budget, there are issues of worry, doubt, question of character, and fear about the future here. It's not just that you spent $250 more on your ladies weekend than planned, it's whether or not it matters to your spouse. The idea here is communication, planning, and a little financial flexibility in your plan. You can always reevaluate what you spent last year and plan ahead for this year but your spouse needs to know that money management matters to you. That their feelings of doubt or need for security are important to you and that you care about creating a plan that works.
Another sub-issue is jealousy. We want to spend money together in marriage and it is very difficult when one spouse spends a huge amount of your yearly income on something that is personal and individual. Now again, there is nothing wrong here, but it can bring resentment, bitterness, hurt, and even feelings of loneliness that we experience every time the subject of this hobby or expense is mentioned. Instant hidden drama in a conversation you thought would be light-hearted.
When your spouse spends a large amount on something for them, you might feel the need and justification to spend money on things you don't need and sometimes don't even want. It's a vicious spend-cycle that eventually leads to another battle of how much each of you are spending. You are against each other instead of together.
You should know how much you're actually spending on your monthly fishing trip. And you should also know how much you spend on your hair appointments every year. How much your new boat is costing and the cost of your seasonal home decorations. (It's probably more than you think) Spending money on these items isn't wrong and doesn't have to be a burden. It's about balance and working toward understanding one another. What is important to you and your spouse.
The last sub-issue here is maybe you're not a big spender but you're married to one. Again, this balance of one extreme and another can should be a great blessing! It leads to a better balance in both of you. (God knew what He was doing)
If one of you spends a certain amount on individual expenses every month, you can plan for that. You may not be in battle over "who spends more", but maybe "who spends and who doesn't". Evaluate whether or not the amount spent on hobbies and personal expenses is fair to both spouses, and once decided, plan for this spending in your monthly budget.
It's important to have your own things as individuals, however, you need to come back to your spouse at the end of the day and enjoy your marriage too! You should enjoy spending money on things you can enjoy together. You should also thank your spouse for keeping a budget where you both can still have the freedom to hunt, fish, have projects, shop, go out with the girls or update your wardrobe.

#5 Spending money you don't actually have
Did you know that every time you use your credit card for an expense, you're actually borrowing money for that expense? Even if you pay it back right away (which let's be real, most of us don't), you're still borrowing money for the movies, clothes, groceries, bills, gasoline, shoes, etc. Or getting a little more personal, maybe you're borrowing money for your TV, computer, new vehicle, new couches, or a vacation that you really needed wanted.
Let me say something and be very clear...stop spending money you don't actually have. Credit cards are not completely terrible and can be used for good. However, most of us use them for everything we want, pay the minimum payment, and continue to pay interest and fees for the freedom to borrow money for a life we simply can't afford. Many families have two spouses work because they have created an expensive and unnecessary lifestyle. Many expenses that stress out your marriage are avoidable and due to your desire for a life you simply shouldn't be living.
If you want your dream home, dream car, dream wardrobe, dream vacation, etc. you need to work and save for it! And when you do work and save for it, you should enjoy it! Having a lifestyle that you enjoy and can afford is an awesome thing! But having a lifestyle that you actually need credit cards for is not a smart, responsible, or Godly way to live. The Bible talks about debt, savings, and how to be wise with your income. Nowhere does it say "It's okay, you don't have to pay attention. I'll work it all out." No, God did not say that and does not work that way.
It is crazy to me how people can have so much and still complain about how they struggle with not having enough money. It's pretty simple, if money is an issue in your marriage (whether spending too much or having too little), it is not God-glorifying to live without paying attention or without trying to solve the problem. And credit cards and financing are NOT the solution.
Everyone needs a home and most people need a vehicle for maintaining a job, however, you do not need 15 different ways to watch television, 250+ channels, and the ability to record and re-watch your favorite episodes. You also do not need to spend $500 on each of your children at Christmas to make them happy (and side note: do you really want to teach them that happiness comes with stuff?). You don't need marble countertops, stainless steel appliances, or a brand new vehicle. These are wants, and if worked and saved for, should be enjoyed and used for blessing you and others! But these are not needs. And these are not worth having debt for years and straining your marriage and family.
Dreams are wonderful, and they can be great date-night conversations. But you can't live in your dreams unless you work to make them your reality. Creating a lifestyle that you can afford is pretty easy; you just base your needs on your actual income. Not your wants on your credit. And you can also have money set aside every month for that new stove that you'd really love. The key to this is saving and being patient for your wants.

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Whether you're the money manager or financial support technician :), you have an important job and responsibility to pay attention to your behavior with money and to make sure you and your spouse are in agreement about the income of your home.
How it is used, how it is earned, how it is saved. You should know how much you make, spend, save, and owe.
If you don't know the ballpark of these financial facts, I'm sorry to say that you are not living wisely and not honoring God in your management of what He has given you. If you and your spouse simply cannot agree about how your money is to be used, remember that marriage can't survive without compromise, grace, and submission. (Both spouses have to compromise, give grace to each other, and submit to their leader [or Leader])
God has given you the ability to earn this money. It is your job to communicate with your spouse about how it will be managed to the best of your abilities and to pray for wisdom in managing your budget in a way that honors God. You don't need to be obsessive about numbers, or even check your accounts daily. But you should know what is happening in your accounts, where your money is going, and have a plan for your money that is not just about you.

Remember your money is meant to be a blessing to you, others, and to the Lord. Plan for spending money on others, giving money to the Lord, and enjoying your money yourself! This is the way God intended for your money to be used. This is when you get off the financial roller coaster you've been on and decide together that money management will not be an issue that breaks your marriage. Financial management that honors God will lead your marriage into a close unity and a better understanding of each other.

Talk with the Lord in prayer and then talk to your spouse. If you have deep concerns about a bad financial habit in your marriage, whether yours or your spouses, ask God for the right time and words to talk to your spouse about it and for the wisdom to make a decision that honors the Lord. (Even if it's your issue, talk to your spouse for accountability)
Figure out your budget (what you make, spend, save, and owe), and create a lifestyle that works for you. Your budget should be limited based on your bad habits. Your budgeting should be true to who you and your spouse are; this requires honesty. Talk to each other and be honest about your struggles. Seek restoration and forgiveness with one another and set boundaries and limits within your budget that help build up your trust for each other.

If there are past hurts and trust issues with money, these should be discussed as things we don't want to repeat. You don't have to talk specifics (no blame-game here), just honesty and solution-seeking topics. Also, if never discussed, try to explain how this issue in your money management affected your trust or feeling of security, etc. It is important to be honest, but also forgiving. Forgiveness is necessary in budgeting (as in any area of life). In order to move forward and find a solution, you have to be able to forgive your spouse and yourself of poor choices from the past.
Every month needs flexibility and grace for yourself and your spouse. It is a balance of being responsible with what God has given and flexible with unforeseen issues and expenses. It's not ever going to be perfect, but if you pay attention and pray for wisdom and balance, your marriage can be tremendously blessed by your financial management. As it should be.

He loves me, He loves me, He loves me

(Source)

Alright, you all remember this game that we played as little girls years ago...and by years ago, I mean last week.

he loves me, he loves me NOT, he loves me, he loves me NOT...

Always hoping and praying that whoever we were wanting to love us, would really end up loving us according to the "daisy-gods-of-the-universe".
And at times, he would really indeed love me for the rest of my life and we would live happily ever after loving each other and skipping together while holding hands.
And other times, he would love me NOT, and it would be the worst half-second of my life before I picked another daisy.

Remember this? I know you do.

Well, something got me the other day...it grabbed my attention out of nowhere as I was admiring the wildflowers in my yard.

Why do we play this game? What are we really longing for?
If you're a kid from the nineties, you remember the other love-determining games such as MASHO, True Love, etc. You remember folding that piece of paper and writing different outcomes on the inside to determine who you and your best friend were going to marry, where you were going to live, and possibly how many children you might have.
Of course, these games were part of my experience growing up because I was in public school which is basically all about dating. (Go ahead, disagree with me, but you're wrong) Whether it was in the hallways, on the bus, or at lunch, girls were always daydreaming about their forever-after.

Well, now I have my forever-after. I married my prince. Was rescued from the dungeon. Helped slay the dragon (because any cool chick would help with that nonsense). I mean, my whole romantic story has been introduced. I still have many romantic adventures waiting for me (and my husband) in the next several chapters of life, but I don't have to daydream the who anymore.
It occurred to me, however, that my husband doesn't romance me all day everyday...what?! I know, crazy. His love, even on the best day, doesn't quite fulfill all my romantic desire for understanding and intimacy.
Even in marriage, I find myself longing for connection at times. Who am I really longing for? And what type of connection?
Maybe you're married and can identify with this. Or maybe you're single and still longing for the who. Either way, no matter where you are in your story, you have a longing for romance.

So, there I was, admiring wildflowers and BAM...like a 2X4 across the face, it hit me.
I was longing for Jesus.

Not only did I want a Prince and Savior, but I wanted a man to love and understand my heart without me having to explain. A man that looked at me with admiration and respect, who knew my capabilities and thought I was wonderful. All the time. A man who looked at me with compassion and forgiveness when I was in the wrong. A man who was not just a man but also... God.

Don't we all want that? We have such high expectations for our husbands, it's really not fair.
Ladies! Don't put your need for romance and the pressure of having a perfect connection on your husbands. This longing is between you and your God. Now, God might use a man to show you love, but He still wants connection with you. Just you and Him.
Your story of romance should begin and end with Jesus Christ. Your husband is only human, and even though he's super cute and amazing at everything, only God can romance you the way you need.
I know some of you are thinking this lady is nuts, what in the world is she talking about, and what does romance have to do with God?

Romance, whether noun or verb, is all about emotion. Whether you are entering into a romance or enjoying being romanced, your desire for love is driving you through it. Romance is the emotion associated with the movement of your heart and soul; being pursued or having excitement about a relationship definitely has to do with your Creator who designed your heart and soul.

It's time to stop daydreaming about your hypothetical future. It's time to stop expecting your man to become a supernatural romantic hero. There's nothing wrong with watching romantic comedies or reading (PG rated) love stories (In fact, I rather enjoy them at times), but they will not fulfill any desire in your heart or soul for romance. They will leave you feeling empty and disappointed because you're putting your hope in the wrong place.

I'm asking that you read this and take time to think about it...

God fashioned me. He took time, thought, effort, and skill in designing my body, soul, and mind for a specific purpose. He knows my hurts, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. He knows the deep sin I struggle with and shows compassion. He hears the cry in my heart. He feels the pain from my life.
He also knows what it takes to make me laugh. He loves my smile and puts so much in my life for me to enjoy. He loves the color of my hair and eyes and specifically chose them for me. No one has ever admired me the way God does. He sees my strength and all that I can do. He listens to me and wants to hear from me always.
Why did He do all of these things? Why does He feel this way?

Because He loves me. Every petal means He loves me.
With God, the game totally changes. It's not a human love. It's a Godly love.
And it's perfect.