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Adoption is a big topic with many different types to it. There are open adoptions (where the birth family is involved in the child's life), closed adoption (where the birth family has no contact), adoption at birth (adopting young babies), and adopting children or youth. There are also sub categories of learning, mental, or physical disabilities, and many other types of behavioral issues or past struggles of the child that you can choose. You can adopt within your state, country, or choose international adoption. You also might adopt a relative, a child in foster care, or an orphan (child from an orphanage) whom you may have or haven't met.
Already, it's more complicated than most of you thought. :) I know it was for me.
There are many misconceptions about adoption. Here are some of the false ideas floating around:
- It's an easy process.
- It's better than bringing more children into the world.
- It's easy to adjust with time.
- The child will love you.
- The child will be happy to be adopted.
- You are saving this child from a terrible life.
- The truth is adoption is a long, exhausting process and isn't final until the judge rules in your favor and actually signs the documents.
- Adoption is not better or worse than having your own child rather it is completely different and can be more or less difficult depending on how quickly and easily you can get pregnant.
- The adjustment period takes years for both parent and child, depending on the age and situation of the child.
- The child (ages 2-17) might not love you right away but rather fear you (in an unhealthy and unavoidable way) and may go through a honeymoon period before showing their insecurities.
- The child might not understand that you have given them a new, better life (this might come many years later). They might even miss their life of abuse or neglect and often wish they could return.
- And YOU are not saving this child from a terrible life, rather you are providing them a new life where they can process their past that is still very much a part of them. It should be stated that their healing and salvation can only come from Jesus Christ, which hopefully they will learn and believe in your new, safe, loving environment.
This article is mostly written for those of you wanting to adopt a child (ages 2-17), however, many babies who are adopted can grow to experience issues and complications because of their birth family, health during their pregnancy, generational sin, or become confused about their identity.
My daughter was a family member in foster care who had a closed adoption at the age of 8 yo. She was in and out of foster care homes for over six years, including my home. I won't go into specific details about her because it's not my story to tell but rather keep to the basic information from my mama-perspective. It is probably not the same situation as yours, however, these tools are precious pieces of information that I have found to not only work but bless my family. And I hope that in whatever stage of the adoption process, or in whatever unique situation your child is, that you can be encouraged and equipped with what you need in order to get through your day. (my mama-policy is one day at a time and some days one hour at a time)
Six Precious Gems I Learned from Adopting
1. Looking at Your Child as Chosen & Set Apart
I believe that God is in control of all things; that He has planned for and knows all things and that what He has planned is good.
He has planned for and knows my child. And what He has planned for my child is good.
Remembering who God is and how He works when my fears and concerns sneak in helps when my little one continues to disobey and dishonor me as her parent; when we, as parents, are up against the "unknown" of the situation.
With our birth children, we know almost everything they're exposed to. If they have a scratch on their arm, we can usually figure out the when, where, why and how of the injury.
With adopted children, we can know some details but we weren't really there. We have only precious pieces of information about their past. We usually don't know all of the "where they were, who they were with, how, when, or why it happened". And for anyone who's been there, you know that this can be very frustrating as a parent. Out of love, you just wish you knew what your child was up against.
However, resting in the fact that God knows everything and was there with your child, watching and feeling everything with your child, helps you as a parent be able to direct your child through their memories, hurts, and questions. And while teaching them that God was with them, you're leading them back to Him.
He has a plan for your child's hurts. This is so important for your child to know. And for you to remember.
I have had to actually chant this out loud in my bathroom at times. In the mirror. Over and over again.
If God has planned for your child to be in your care, this means He has rescued your child in a way that many children never see or experience. :( He has a plan for you to raise up this child for His glory. You have to hold on to this belief. He doesn't make mistakes and doesn't carelessly make decisions. You have been chosen for this task by the Lord, Almighty. The task of teaching your child about God's love and salvation through His Son. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for His divine plan.
Now, manage your expectations of this. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for something in God's will. However, we don't know what that something is. Just because you believe in God's sovereignty and your child was adopted into your family doesn't mean your child will not struggle with the difficulties of their identity and history. However, it means as an example to your child YOU can rest in the fact that God has been working longer than you have even KNOWN your child and loves your child more than you do. It means you can teach your child about His sovereignty and love in working out all the details for your child to now have a safe and loving home. And you can have faith that God will continue to be sovereign and loving in the future. You can trust Him.
2. Giving Opportunity to Process
The truth is that many times throughout your normal week, your child could be reminded of past hurts any number of times. You usually can't tell what's wrong but you know something is there. You can see it in their face, behavior, or even hear it in words. It's the way they are acting or speaking that tells you something is off.
It's important to not ignore what God might be pointing out to you.
I've even just felt something in my soul (thank You, Holy Spirit) that I needed to go talk with my child. That something was going on that may or may not need to be discussed but definitely needs to be allowed.
The issue is that your child needs to know that you care and that you'll make time for them if they need to talk. Not to be confused with them being in trouble or that they are a burden in your busy schedule.
So many times I would walk into discussions frustrated and emotional because deep down, I don't want my child to have any issues. I don't want them to struggle.
The truth was, my frustration as a parent was coming from what I knew had happened and all the times I wish I could have rescued them. And while it's right to be hurt, frustrated, or sad, we also need to remind ourselves and our child that life is full of struggle and its how we handle the struggle that directs our next few steps in life. And also that God uses that hurt in a glorious way!
I don't want my child to be bitter and unforgiving, so I can't be bitter and unforgiving.
I want my child to be open and honest in the right timing, so I need to be open and honest in the right timing.
I'd love for my child to be thankful and meditate on the good things in their life now, so guess what I need to do?...the list goes on.
And while they may need time and patience from you to process their thoughts and memories, also life needs to keep going. We can't allow our child (or ourselves) to be too distracted by the past. Perhaps have a memory-time out, or a five minute share time ending with a hug or prayer. Whatever you choose to allow as a safe place and time to discuss things, make sure you have an end in sight. Help your child learn how to process who they are, who they were, and who they might become. Talk about their WHOLE story.
In my family, some of our most personal discussions end with fun dreams of the future.
3. Going Back to the Abuse & Calling it Out
For many years, children can show anxiety in a certain situation or maybe they get angry or manipulative. Some of this is normal with childhood, but you know your child's normal amount from the over-the-top amount. This is a situation that you can easily step aside with your kiddo and say, "Hey, I see that you're acting this way. This is what I've noticed...What do you think?" and explain to them that you've seen a pattern and it might be because of _________ from their past. Help them understand why they are acting in a way that even they don't like. Or ask them what they think about it. Maybe they see it too. Just make sure you give them a structured time of talking about it. Let them know ahead of time, you need to only talk for a couple minutes. With the tone of your voice, make them aware that they are not in trouble but you just want to be alone with them for a minute.
I love when our cute little ones share really inappropriate stories in the middle of your Christmas dinner with family and friends. Or when they wait until you're just about to leave and go somewhere and choose THAT moment to want to process their past. Or, my favorite, the very minute they are in trouble for something, using their past stories to try and get out of consequences of wrong choices.
Now, some of this is normal with all children, but some discussions with your sweet adopted child might go in a direction you never anticipated.
It's so important to be the parent. While being available is important, that doesn't mean your child runs the show. If they want to talk to you about something in a moment when you have three minutes left on the timer for dinner, maybe NOW is not the best time.
Simple-fix: ask them if this can wait until later (pick a specific time) and maybe they can go write down what they want to talk to you about. Or draw a picture. (I have almost burned down the house having discussions with my family numerous times, remember to turn the oven OFF) Help them not to forget what they want to say, but let them know that you "making time" for them doesn't mean "all the time" or "anytime".
When the sharing comes, it's important that you call a spade a spade. My approach has always been to be as honest as possible with their understanding and developmental age. If your child knows what truth and lie mean, they will figure out which one comes out of your mouth...be careful.
Again, keep it age-appropriate people.
If your little one isn't sleeping well, don't scare the daylights out of them with stories of police, jail time, and abuse. Especially in the evening time. Remember to use descriptions that they give, (scary, hurtful, mean, etc.) but give reasons why people act the way they do. Maybe their mom and dad made poor choices, didn't have a good family of support, were addicts, were young, went to jail, etc. You don't have to discuss every detail but whatever you tell them, it should be honest. As they grow older, they will want to know more and more truth. This is unavoidable. Tell them pieces and tell them you will share more with them when they are older.
Also, give them a story of hope every time. Remember the Bible; it's illustrations and history are very helpful in giving your child a different visual in the discussion. Most of the bad situations in their past were caused by sin. Hope is found in the fact that we are ALL sinners and need a Savior. The solution for sin is found in Jesus. He was the only sinless human being and it is okay to talk about others sin in order to learn from it and repent from our own. Help your child learn about God from their past.
And a warning: If you are lying to your child in any way, there is consequence to lying. Trust comes with honesty. If you sometimes tell the truth, they will sometimes trust you. Period. Maybe there can be forgiveness with a lie you've told, but it is my experience that at the end of the day my child knows that everything I've ever said to her is what I really believe and live by. Including I love you.
4. Redeeming What is Lost with What We Have
Sometimes you will see your child struggling and hope appears to be momentarily lost. It feels like you missed out on time with your kiddo. Your relationship doesn't go back to the beginning and you haven't been there for them in the hardest times of their life. Your child has trust issues and struggles to find joy and part of their childhood innocence has been robbed.
However, for all that was lost, there is an answer of hope.
We have the Lord on our side. Remember how He set you and your child apart for His divine purpose? Well, in that, we have Him on our side with His power and Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.
The Lord can work mightily in giving your child the right kind of time with you and your family. He can give your child security in Him which helps your little one trust you more. He can give your child joy and innocence in the same way He gives it to you. You may feel and see what is lost but God can make up for all of that.
As you lean on the Lord to find the right way of parenting your child, you'll see Him work in helping you decide the right boundaries for your kiddo. Boundaries in your home, with your family, with others, etc. that enable your child to feel safe and taken care of. You will see how God can restore all the hurt and pain with love and strength. And while your child might have a unique story, God also gives them a feeling of being just like other children.
The last thing your child wants is to be different from everyone else because of their past. Being different in a "brilliant with science" kinda way is fun; being different in an "unable to socialize" kinda way is NOT fun.
Speak life into your children. Use positive words that encourage them. Compare them to others and yourself in their struggle and help them to feel like "part of the family"; like their issues are nothing new, because let's be honest, they're not.
The Bible says we are all adopted as God's children. We all have a past. We can relate with our kiddos. If your sweet little one is struggling, tell them to join the club! :)
Whatever you or your kiddo are struggling with, you have everything you need to help them! You have the Lord, His Spirit, His Son, and His Word. You have compassion, patience, love, and hope because of how God has adopted you. Whatever was lost, can be found again in the gospel.
5. Choosing Your Support Wisely
Alright, we all need someone to talk, pray, cry, laugh, and relax with. Be careful to do this with the RIGHT person. Talking about your journey in motherhood is completely fine, even the deep, dark stuff that scares you. However, remember there are consequences to talking too much and to the wrong people.
Choose a Godly girlfriend who loves you and your child. It might be that your spouse is great support at times, but also he might be struggling just as much as you. There are times to share in your journey together in your marriage. There are also times to reach out for a different perspective that is not as intimately connected to the situation as you are.
Talk about your family to someone who can be trusted with the information. Someone who wants the best for you and your family. Someone who loves Jesus and will give you love and truth without judgment.
You might find it difficult to find a sitter if you do nothing but bash your children to every friend or family member you have. The goal is to find one or two special friends you can go to for the moments you are weak or lost and be strengthened in wisdom and truth. These relationships can help see you through a difficult season but require a sincere heart from you that wants answers. Not just a whiny heart that wants sympathy. (no judgment here, we all have out pity party moments)
Parenting is not easy in any situation. Adding variables like adoption, foster care, abuse, etc. do not help. However, there are people who have gone before you. There are even stories of adoption in scripture. You probably won't find someone in your exact situation but you can pray for someone who has the same heart for your situation as you do.
God will provide the support you need. Remember there will be times when He purposefully makes everyone unavailable because He wants to be your go-to. Examine your situation and go to the Lord first. He will give you comfort, peace, truth, and love without judgment in a way no one else can.
6. Having Faith & Waiting on Him
Finally, my favorite, the lesson that God taught me most recently--have faith and wait for Him. I never thought of motherhood as a journey of strengthening my faith until the last couple of years. It finally dawned on me (thank You, Holy Spirit), maybe the whole point of being a mother is to sanctify me?! Duh.
We all have seen God work over time and know examples of something that once frustrated us and later turned into a blessing that God was planning.
A seed of His sovereignty, as I like to call it. :)
He shows us these unfolded truths and blessings so we can trust Him and wait upon Him for His goodness.
When our child is defying our authority and testing our patience, or showing a behavior that could turn into a dangerous habit, we have a moment of panic (just being honest). But turn your panic into prayer and all of the sudden God shows you more of His mercy and grace than you have ever experienced. He can give your heart assurance and peace if you look back to Him and how He works. Taking your eyes off of your child and putting them back on the Lord.
Some of the things your child might struggle with are completely new to you. But God is sovereign. And He has seen it all. Maybe He will give you another adult who can minister to your child, maybe He will give you words of wisdom beyond your experience. Whatever He does, He will take care of your child. Looking to Him is the only thing you can do to give yourself rest and peace as a mother.
Trust in His plan. The situation might frustrate our flesh, but learn to relax in His goodness and love.
And in the meantime, as we still have to live with and take care of our little ones, learn that having faith means lightening up.
Trusting in the Lord is not easy or natural. But the Spirit of God can help us to really trust Him and enjoy the parts of motherhood that used to be consumed with worry and frustration.
Complete this day out of love for the Lord. Out of a grateful heart for what He has done in you and your life, live in worship of Him. Praise Him for protecting, rescuing, and providing for your child so that they could be a part of your family. Praise Him for always being available to you as a mama, and for knowing the ins and outs of your precious child. Just this day, worship Him. Take on tomorrow when you wake up tomorrow. Today, just believe that He is doing something profound and amazing and go enjoy your life.
Waiting for the Lord shouldn't be stressful. If we believe He will work, and trust in His plan, then we should go out and enjoy our family while remembering that He's got this figured out.
Go have fun with your family, living life and sharing in honesty. There will be times of sadness, but it's nice that we can be sad together. We can be mad and imperfect together and let God be amazing through our hurts.
You and your child are perfectly positioned in this life by God. You are not a mistake and neither is your family. God didn't mess up. Wait and see.
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