the Mama-monster & joyful expressions

I call them my "doxology moments". The moments that I am so JOYFUL that I burst out in the doxology...it usually is one of those circumstances that you face utter disappointment and then happiness in the next moment. Here's a few examples.

(Source)

-When you think you're all out of butter in the middle of a recipe and then find an extra package in the freezer. 

(*with hands raised* Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!)

-When you've repeated a round over and over again waiting for ONE card in a card game and then you get it. (Praise Him all creatures here below!)
-When you really need a cup of coffee and you go to the pot and there's enough for just one last delicious cup. (Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts!!!)
-Or when all your babies and toddlers are super fussy and actually nap at the same time! (Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!!!!!)

I like to bring God into these moments by bursting into an off-tune, very loud expression of joy through worship.

Happiness is one of these weird things in life. Yes, we know that happiness is fleeting. A roller coaster of ups and downs, circumstances and dependencies. And true JOY comes from the Lord. Joy is lasting, even through the dark times.
However, God wants us to enJOY too! He blesses us. Takes care of us. Is faithful to hear us. Faithful to provide and protect.
We should not only have joy but express that joy.

I don't want to sound too much like Pollyanna here, but really, I struggle to express joy in my everyday life. And joy is important!

“... if God took the trouble to tell us eight hundred times to be glad and rejoice, He must want us to do it—SOME.” ~ Pollyanna

I wish I acted the way I speak. So often, I'm talking about the goodness of the Lord but it is SO serious. So dry.
Joy, to me, is usually warped into this very solemn and sober emotion. Joy is mature. Maybe because I've been through difficult times in life, joy seems to be the aftermath of what I choose to focus on to change my attitude. It's a smile and a warm heart, but often it's very serious.

I can be serious almost all of the time. In fact, I'm so serious that my children can't tell when I'm joking. I mean, my jokes are pretty great...alright, they're a little unique.
But still, my family should see the joy of the Lord in me. The joy that bursts out into song. The joy that can't help but smile because it's a good day that God gave us!

It's so easy to show and express joy when you're out of the house. But IN your house, it's different.
In your house, you can have a tendency to become a different character entirely.

I call it the "Mama-monster".

You know this creature. She eats, breathes, and sleeps seriousness. She often is irritated without clear reason. She ends up controlling most of the day in order to keep things from getting too wild. She interferes in sibling business she could stay out of. She tends to need a few time-outs. She also ends up disciplining issues that are not really worthy of the attention given. She breathes heavily and often is irritated to be interrupted in her tasks.

Sometimes she yells...
Sometimes she grumbles...

Most of the time,  you will not see her smile. And she will justify all of these behaviors with her bad night's sleep, hormones, busy schedule, etc. She also will not be talking to or about the Lord during such behaviors. Well maybe in the old testament when the Lord would open up the ground and consume an entire people because they were evil...maybe that might be mentioned when the children disobey.

I know some of you might be thinking "ouch". But really, motherhood changes you.

I had the occasional selfish outburst with my husby but mostly I could reason my way through my feelings. With children, however, I can fully see on a regular basis...I need the Lord. (Which is probably why He made us mothers).
God bless them, but children know how to push your buttons. It's like they know when you're trying to be joyful and that's when they decide to have a bad attitude.

What really gets me though, is that I want to be joyful. I want my children to remember me smiling, laughing, and enjoying my life with them. I want them to see that joy that comes from the Lord is part of my daily thinking and feeling.
That I can be playful, silly even. And not just for a quick moment, but that I can truly enjoy their company at the expense of my schedule, plan, or expectations. Or maybe that I can be joyful even after I am called to forgive my child. When he or she does wrong against me, and hurts me, I want my child to see that I can smile and love them in forgiveness. That my enjoyment of motherhood would not be dependent on the circumstance of my relationships with my children.

That I can burst out into a "doxology moment" just because I'm expressing true joy about being a blessed mama! Regardless of the circumstances of the day, week, whatever, that I can turn that bitter struggle into sweet joy. And maybe after the Mama-monster gets put to rest for the day, that I can use her bad example to express how and why the Lord's goodness is so good.

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Lord, Please help me to have and express true joy! Help me to smile, laugh, cheer, and celebrate with my children! Help them to remember the Mama You created me to be and are completing in me. Help my children to forgive the Mama-monster in me and learn from my bad choices! Thank you for your grace and forgiveness and help me to have that grace and forgiveness for myself and my children.
Still trying, Cheryl

letter to & from my heart

I wrote this at a women's retreat recently and thought it might be a good reminder for others who may be struggling with their kiddos.

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Dear Cheryl,
Don't worry about your life and the lives of your children. God has been faithful in taking care of you, giving you life, and helping you in times of struggle. Don't give up when it's hard! Don't worry about whether your children will be faithful. Raise them the way God wants you to. Pray for them. Celebrate them! Apologize to them when necessary and make your peace.
But then trust in your sovereign God. Trust in the goodness of the Lord. Trust that He loves your children and has a plan for them! Believe in your God. Have faith that He will reward your faithfulness and trust in the promises of scripture.
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 29:17
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
When your children disregard and reject you, remember that God hurts with you. God cares about your cares. Have faith! Rest in His plan for your life. Remember His word when life gets hard and draw close to Him when you're weary. God loves you.
Your whole life, God has and will continue to love you.

things to be thankful for in your marriage, no matter the season

Our little reminders. <3

Marriage is one of the most amazing relationships ever designed. It brings two selfish people together and forces them to compromise their stubbornness for a divine unity. The relationships between husband and wife is unique to and uniquely difficult for each couple.

We all have the common disputes with money management, sex, family relations, carrying on family traditions, and raising children in a similar or different way than how we were raised. But then there are the unique struggles of fertility issues, raising children with special needs, physical or mental disabilities from work or accidents, addictions, the loss of a family member, etc.

However, in each of these trying times, our spouse can make life not only more bearable but survivable. Our souls can literally be at the end of our rope; our heart, spirit, and mind could all be ready to give up and with the encouragement and support of this one individual--life can go on. Move forward. There seems to be hope. And a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I was always the type of person that would want to live each day like it's my last. Make my peace with everyone, just in case the good Lord decides my purpose is met. My time is done. Ready to go on home. (sigh) Heaven, to be in the presence of the Lord always...          ...okay, I'm back.

So, make my peace with anyone and everyone I'm called to and be done with each day.
To say "I love you" often. "Thank you" everyday. "You're amazing" to my children. "I'm sorry" when I should be. And "I forgive you" because God forgave me.
But there are days when the struggle is too much. There are seasons of life and marriage that are trying. This is promised in scripture.
So, how do we look on our marriage, look our spouse in the eye, and still say "I love you" and "Thank you, Lord" in those times? And mean it?
As a reminder to myself, and with the help of my lovely friends and family, I've written out ten things about marriage that we can be thankful for even in the difficult times.

1. A partner in the hard times. As mentioned before, life throws us curveballs that are equally unexpected and unavoidable. This is when you realize your spouse not only goes through it with you, but has their own bad feelings about your suffering. They might not grieve the way you grieve, but they sure feel the impact of the hardship to the same degree you do. They also compensate when you might be going through something difficult. Maybe you're physically unable to clean your home, whether from sickness or injury, your spouse helps the best they can when needed. Shoot, I might be just plain busy and my husband will clean the house, feeds the kids, do the bedtime routine, etc. Sometimes your spouse might just help you because you need to sleep. Maybe they get up in the night with the screaming baby, or maybe they eat left overs for a few days because you've been too busy with life to cook. Another great thing, is that when you're going through this hardship or rough season, your spouse will comfort you the best way they know how. And marriage gives you someone to talk to when you're scared about something, whether a bad dream, a bad job, a skipped paycheck, a diagnosis, etc.

2. Your mate. Yes, I had to say what almost everyone thinks of first. Sex is meant to bring you together in a very strong way. The intimacy you experience provides a closeness and reassurance of understanding each other. When you need touch, you can have it. When you want to be held, you can. Even flirting is beneficial. Regular intimacy in a monogamous marital relationship is the way God intended, and thus blesses! It's good for your health, not only emotionally, but also physically helps reduce stress and anxiety. Plus, it's not just sex alone, it's everything with sex. Hand holding, kissing, cuddling, even admiring one another from across the room. These are all an important part of a healthy marriage. These are all things to be thankful for in marriage.

3. Someone who said, "I do" and "I will". Your spouse made the commitment to love you and be true to you. And you alone. Now, I'm not saying that because you're married, your marriage is healthy. It might not be. BUT your spouse and you made a formal agreement before your family, friends, and God to be committed to working through life together. I often like to look at my ring and remember my sweet husband saying that he gave it to me as "a symbol of his love and devotion". It's good to remember your wedding day and what you actually vowed to do. It's also good to be thankful for a person who vowed to be your spouse.

4. A person to be with! Your spouse is someone you can play games with and against. You can have hobbies together, you can go to events together, you can go on dates together. You can do all of these with the same person. It's like your own personal romantic comedy. You can laugh together! Your spouse is someone you can just be with. They get you, they get your kids, they even get your jokes. They like to watch movies with you they have inside knowledge about your life so you don't have to explain things to them. AND (my favorite) you can gut laugh with them to the point of tears and you don't care what you look or sound like. If you snort, no big deal.

5. Your coach & cheerleader. Your spouse pushes you. They know what you're capable of and will not let you say, "I can't." Sometimes they won't even let you say, "I don't want to." They have high standards for you because they know and have seen your strength. They will encourage you in your pursuits and support you along the way to your achievements. They will be in the front row taking pictures. Often, your spouse will be the reason you can accomplish anything in life.  Accomplishments take effort from both you and your spouse when you're married. Not to mention, accountability. There is no better accountability partner than the person you eat, sleep, and live with.

6. A friend who understands. Your spouse knows who your friends are and the crazy stories about your relatives and family reunions. They know your family, children, neighbors, boss', coworkers, and church family members. They understand your relationships and can support you in a way they know you need. They are familiar with your everyday battles, whether it's a bad attitude or forgetfulness, they can help because they understand. They also have a deep knowledge of you and your past and love you anyway. They will listen to you and talk with you when it really matters. And sometimes they will even listen when they know you're wrong. They will be patient with you and forgive you. They know when you've reached your limit and you need a "timeout". And they still tell you they love you even when you're irritating them.

7. Someone to dress up & down with. I know some spouses complain about dressing up, but truthfully if your spouse were gone tomorrow, you'd miss this. Your spouse gives you a reason to shower, brush your hair and teeth, put on perfume or cologne, etc. If you're married, you have a reason to look polished at some point in the day, even if you didn't go anywhere. Your spouse is also the person you can have your sweatpant-moments with. If you smell a little funky, they funk with you. And then they shower with you (added bonus). You can both have your dress down mornings while you clean the house and you know you'll still love each other. However, you also go out together and put some effort into yourself for each other. No one wants to be married to a sweatpant-forever kinda person. I mean, not usually.

8. Your Personal Care Assistant. Your spouse is invested into your future. They want you to not only stick around, but be as healthy as possible in that time. Mind, body, and spirit. They help keep track of ailments, appointments, medications, etc. They pay attention to your life with the Lord. Your struggles, goals, and accountability. It is always easier to go to church and pray when you know someone is watching your walk with the Lord. Your spouse also relieves stress by fulfilling spiritual roles and familial roles. They work hard for you and your family so that you can be healthy and joyful. It is always something to be thankful for when you have a person in your life paying attention to your short and long term health. It may not seem fun, but if it were suddenly missing from your life, you'd miss being taken care of this way!

9. Your partner in crime. Isn't it awesome to have someone at your side to fight the good fight? You can stand for the same causes. Your spouse will support you in disputes, pray for your enemies with you, and seek peace for you when you're unable. You also may argue together against what is wrong. In the mission of life set before you, God has given you a spouse to help with seeking what is right and standing for the truth. I always joke about getting arrested for something righteous, and being thankful for having a spouse who would either be with me in jail or able to bail me out. Your spouse is also someone who helps in family disputes. They can see things more objectively, take your side, and without judgment still love your family. This=great!

10. Someone to enjoy life with. Whether you enjoy the beach, wine, good food, taking a deep breath on a long walk, the rain, the mountains, music, business, sports, looking at photo albums, taking road trips, etc. you have someone at your side along the way! Your spouse is someone you can go on a trip with, have drama almost the entire time, and look back years later and say, "Man, that was a great time!" It's not just enjoying life that makes having a spouse awesome, but having someone to think about bringing joy to.  Planning special events or meals you know they will like, buying or making little gifts for each other that have sentimental value. Even just having someone who will read out loud to you when you're not feeling well. It's not about being in a season that is easier or happier, but rather having someone at your side no matter where you are in life. If you're in a difficult season, you can still dream with your spouse about the future.

You won't have your spouse forever, so go enjoy your mate! We all have things in our marriage that we have a hard time enjoying. However, whether you're a husband or a wife, you can be thankful for your spouse by changing your focus. Look at all the good in your marriage & be thankful. It is a blessing to be married and have such an awesome, important ministry in your life!

behind closed doors

Our family photo shoot, Aaron kept running off by himself.

My super adorable son, Aaron, turned three in October. Something I'm learning as a mama is that children LOVE their independence even before they're ready for it. Aaron loves to be a big boy and do everything himself.

Go potty, get dressed, wash up, make food, put on outdoor gear, etc.

Well, it's interesting. We have a strict "open door" policy in our home for everyone's comfort. The only time someone can close a door is when they are getting dressed. Of course, as the Mom, I have the right to come in whenever I deem it worthy and within reason.
But something I'm learning from my little, toddler lad is that he loves to close the door.
Bathroom, bedroom, closet, garage, really any door. He wants his privacy. He loves it.
And, Aaronbug, I'm sorry but you got this from me.

The need for alone time. *sigh* I love being alone. With my Savior, just sitting. Looking. Listening. It's absolutely wonderful. Just taking Him in, letting Him have my all. I also love having chocolate in that alone time...mmm chocolate (thinks about how far away the kitchen is)... be right back.
*Yum*
However, (fun fact about Cheryl) when I'm in a group of people, I am often super uncomfortable. I'm a do-er and when I'm around people, I need something to go and do.

I will often make weird jokes and/or comments that few understand. I usually hear myself talking when I really need to stop. I find myself looking for an excuse to leave and go do something else, even if it's my party.
It's bizarre.
If I'm being social with you, and there is a large group around us, consider yourself one of the rare gems I feel comfortable with. And if I run away from you, know that it is not you. It's me. I have issues. Haha! After about ten minutes, I go and do. And this has nothing to do with the group of people.
But please, come up and talk to me in groups. Break me of my "running and doing" habit.

Well, as mothers, you all know that your children inherit both good and bad from you. Yes, my sweet boy could have all of his favorite people in our home-- friends, family, everyone. And wanna know where he goes after a while? To his room. To play. By himself....

With the door closed.

And you might be thinking, what's the big deal? What could happen? (If you're thinking that, it's been a long time since you've watched toddlers for an extended amount of time)

...think about it...you Mama's know that feeling, when everything is nice and quiet and you take a deep breath *sigh* and then you realize...where is my child?
everything is nice?  and QUIET?! ...
And you quickly try to remember the last thing you said to this child or asked them to do and you KNOW that whatever you asked them to do would not normally take this long...
And as you're thinking this, you're already halfway across the house when you find this child (door opens) CAUGHT!
And they look at you with that scared face...with big eyes they just freeze.
"Oh, no! Does she know what I've been doing?" or "I don't remember what she asked me to do." or if they're really adorable, they smile and say "Hi, Mama!" and have no idea what you asked them or that you even wanted them to do anything at all. (A few times they might have even completed the task in obedience, those are good days! Can I get an amen?!)

What's interesting to me is the closed door bit. Why close the door? What's the thought behind closing the door? Is it for privacy or secrecy? It can't be a habit because of house rules. So, are they planning to disobey in advance or just seizing the opportunity?

Either way, this is an area of temptation. And if he wants to do something kind, he can ask for privacy for a little while. But the door must be reopened because not only are we called to love others more than thinking of ourselves, but we are warned about what happens in private. In the dark.

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It's never that someone has deep sin problems when they're at the table with their families. This deep sin usually happens in a private, dark room with the door shut, curtains closed, and lights off.
We all have a sin that we like to keep secret. A sin that goes deep. Something that started a long time ago that we have gotten pretty comfortable with.

Perhaps an idol you've placed before God. Maybe it's a relationship or a secret comfort that you run to when no one's looking.

I grew up with two parents who struggled with addiction.
I thought that being a "Christian" was something we practiced on Sundays and then throughout the week when it worked into our schedules.
For the most part, many family members were genuine in their faith. But they had their secrets. And I thought this was not only normal, but should be part of our lives.

Now, more than ever, I have to fight to not keep my little secrets. Even if it seems harmless, I still bring it to light.
Whatever I do in my alone time, I usually share with a close friend, my husband, and the Lord. I try to be as real as I can be in my struggle with sin so that nothing will creep up on me later.

However, I am very well aware of the idea that what we see on Sunday is not what we get. There is more to everyone's story. Not to say that we should go around in disbelief of someone's love for the Lord, but rather be cautious in our ideas of someone's life being "all together". I am so surprised when people say they think my life is so "put together" or I seem like I have it "all figured out"....

bahahaha!

I cry out to God on a pretty regular basis for help! In raising children, loving my spouse more and myself less, serving in the church, and ministering to my family, friends, neighbors, etc., I need help. I ask the Holy Spirit for help because I am too weak and selfish to do it on my own.
Not only that, but I have my secret struggle too.

• The thoughts that we know are lies but believe them and act on them. 
• Lashing out in anger because we don't feel like having self control.
• Having a pity party even though we know we are called to be mature and work hard.
• Loving something that we know really isn't good for us.
• Choosing to participate in an activity even though we know God doesn't want us to.
• The thoughts and dreams we choose to meditate on even though we know it's not Godly or God's will.
• The words we choose to speak when we know they might be unnecessary, untrue, or unkind.

We all have sin. We all have something we struggle with. And instead of running to the back of the house, closing the door, and hoping we have enough time before we get caught to participate in such sin, we really should open that door, let the light in, and cry out to God for help!

Ephesians 5:7-12
Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.

If we were formerly darkness, then we really do need to walk as children of Light. No more pretending that we have it all together. Let's be real with each other; let's be real with ourselves. And most importantly, we should recognize there are no secrets with God. We can lie and convince ourselves that our sin isn't a problem, that we have peace with God. But the Word says to confess our sin, to repent and turn away from the darkness of sin. And truly, there is no peace in our secret struggle. True peace comes from being right with God. Our unmentioned and unconfessed sin eats at us, slowly, and eventually consumes and kills us.

Every time there is a closed door in my home, I knock, wait, and listen before opening.
If God were knocking, I sure hope I wouldn't have to scurry to hide my secret.
In obedience, I hope that I would be able to lovingly smile and say, "Hi God!" without having to remember what it is He asked me to do.

taking care & standing tall

This time last year, I was preparing to have my third child enter the world. With having two kids, I will say that I had no idea how much life would change with the third coming along. I don't know if this is the same struggle other mother's deal with, but three was a lot for me! With two, it seemed like I could still have my own thoughts.
You know, uninterrupted sentences forming in my mind that actually make sense. And only occasionally. But still.
Sentences that made me feel like the educated, semi-intelligent, mature woman that I am.

Samuel driving around the house, no fear!

Then, Samuel was born. And he is my soldier. I love this boy! He laughs at danger, scary things, and most of the discipline that I try to enforce in his life. And while I see how God could use this little soul for His glory, I also quickly realized I was not only in way over my head, but I was turning into an insane person.
It seemed like constant talking, correcting, discipline, cooking, cleaning, folding...talking, correcting, and more discipline. With a little slice of playful time and laughter every now and then. But for the most part, I was maxed out by the end of my day.
Ah, pillows never seemed so wonderful.

With two kids, it seemed like we had a rhythm in our home that I could hear and follow. Sure, there were off days, but for the most part my husby and I could keep them and each other in line.
But after my third, (and again, I'm learning this number is different for each mom and depending on the personality of each child) my sweet little Samuel, I needed a break!

He was about four months old when my husband went out to get his duck hunting license. Now, I love that my husband has hobbies! And more importantly, I love that he has Godly friends to go with and participate in these hobbies.
In going to get his license, we started the discussion of "hobby money". We decided that we should put money aside every month or two for hobbies of his since he has projects, hunting, fishing, and this should be planned. Makes sense, right?

Well, I was sitting at home, looking at our budget, and I realized...why don't I have "hobby money"? And more accurately, why don't I have any hobbies?!?!

People! I used to paint, read, sing, bike ride, hike, fish, camp, kick box...not to mention, I could complete a pretty complicated puzzle in record time! I mean, I was a pretty cool chick.
How come now that I have kids...I don't DO anything?!?!

Are you hearing me? Have you ever felt like this?
And to top it all off, do I really want to go for years at a time without having any hobbies?

So, after Adam came home, the good man that he is, he told me that not only can I have hobby money, but I should. (Blows kisses at husband) :)

...well, guess what happened next?
You got it.
Nothing. I realized how much of a total loser I had become.
My hobby time was going to be irregular, so I couldn't sign up for a class. (Which, why would I? Homework=yuck)
I didn't have a clue what I was going to do. So I did what any normal, desperate for alone time person would do... I got a book and went to a coffee shop... I also went to the store and just walked around looking at things. I didn't spend very much money, just took time to walk. Slowly.

It was fabulous.

Not only did I return home a healthier, happier mama but a very appreciative wife as well. ;)
I'm just saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder. (turns on romantic music)

Well, a couple months went by and I turned my hobby money into fellowship money. I realized why men always plan a project or an activity--because they need it. They're not typically going to go sit for a few hours and just talk the whole time.
But women?! I literally can sit and talk with you precious ladies for days! Especially if there's food!!

So, issue number one: get something to do.
Issue number two...this is what I like to call the "check-in call guilt".

When my super-awesome husband calls to check in from his hobby time it's no big deal. Even if he's running late, he'll apologize of course, and I forgive him and he let's it go. He doesn't carry it with him all day, feeling like a failure as a parent or spouse. And I don't make him feel that way either. I PLAN for his hobbies and plan time with the kids to accommodate.
But guess what I learned about us ladies?
We feel bad for taking "me" time. When I call to check-in, I wonder if he really means what he says. The doubt kicks in and brings a side of guilt.
Are the kids okay? Is the house okay? Maybe I should go home? Will he be mad at me? Will the kids remember me? And this turns into...I knew I shouldn't have _______. I am a terrible mother and wife.

Not only do we apologize for the burden it puts on our family, we feel bad almost the entire time we're out. Maybe we enjoy a little bit, but most of us tend to carry the weight of our responsibilities as mothers and wives even if we planned ahead and communicated. Now, it's not like I need my husband's "permission" but if I want a healthy marriage (which I do) then yes, I NEED to communicate when and if I will be having my own time.
As should he. And he does. (blows more kisses to husband)
And with the communication, we women plan meals, clean the house, give all the necessary information...I mean we REALLY cover the bases.

So then, why, after agreeing with my spouse, planning ahead, communicating, budgeting, etc. why do I feel guilt or doubt that I am not doing the right thing?

There is so much pressure on women to be and do everything right. We put it on ourselves. We put it on each other. But, I'd like to release myself from this pressure. And I'd like for all of you awesome ladies to do it with me. I would like for us to stop doubting. Stop feeling guilt about things that are not only right but good.

If you're doing everything in your life for the glory of God, then taking care of yourself should be something you do to bring glory to Him as well, shouldn't it? Think about it, if taking time for a hobby, craft, friendship, etc. with no kids, means you come home with a refreshed attitude and perspective and have a little more pep in your step with your hubby, then why should that make you feel bad?

I have heard women talk about how they didn't take care of themselves for years because they were busy raising children.

This scares me. Have we really accepted that having children means we lose ourselves? Is that right?
Self-sacrifice is part of having a family, and you can't have successful, loving relationships by being selfish.
However, that doesn't mean you should go ten years without dating your husband. Or even ten months. Or that you shouldn't work out because you're too busy with your kids, or not do you hair or put effort into yourself just because you have a very busy job.

I don't want to blame my kids for losing myself. I want to use my skills and abilities to glorify God in all areas of my life. This includes friendships. This includes my marriage. This includes having balance in the multiple ministries I am called to juggle.

James 1:5-8
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

I love that this scripture describes the type of person you are when you doubt. Do we really want to be the type of women who are tossed any which way in our faith? Doubt is more destructive than we recognize. We don't call it out as often as we should.
And, how many times do we ask God for more patience, kindness, or even peace about our lives but do not manage our time with the right balance and wisdom to end up with a life of patience, kindness, and peace?

If you believe you should have more balance, you should do whatever you need in order to find balance in glorifying God with your life. As a mom, I was overwhelmed. The everyday life was getting to be too much, so every two weeks or so, I would take a break. Go have some girl time or a date night! This improved my roles inside and outside of my home.

I want to encourage all of you ladies to make time that is necessary for your husband. For your friends. For yourself. AND for your children. I date my children regularly as well! There needs to be balance.

I can't do it all everyday, but I try to make an effort every month. Husby time. Friend time. Me time (which turns into Jesus time). Kiddos time. <3 BALANCE = bliss.

Colossians 3:17
Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

So, again, I ask you--if you are doing something that helps your life, relationships, and ministries by having a regular hobby or time for your thoughts, why do you feel bad about this or doubt that what you're doing is wrong?

No, we should be confident in taking care of ourselves. I am not going to let myself discourage myself anymore. I have the Holy Spirit in me who is capable of anything. However, it is about having balance in our ministries. I am sick of hearing about how women feel bad making a decision that is something they wanted.
Now again...balance. If you feel convicted by your choice, follow the Lord's guidance. However, don't lose yourself in taking care of everyone else. God wants you to take care of yourself too!

We should walk in confidence in the relationship we have with our Lord.

I was at the point where I literally had to remind myself out loud, "I love Jesus. I am a Christian. I can do this." I would have to FIGHT for the moment where it is so quiet you can actually hear Him again.

Ladies retreat this weekend, holla!

With screaming babies, dirty diapers, water boiling over, fire alarms going off, the dog barking, children disobeying, and dinner not working out the way I intended....there are times when I would disappear to my closet with the lights off and the door shut just to remember the stillness of God and that I walk in His presence.

Being a mother is the type of job that swallows you up if you allow it. Being a diligent, devoted wife is also all-encompassing. We have to fight for time to take care of ourselves. We are called to take care of ourselves!
Body, mind, and soul.
So, take care!
Find a hobby, find a friend, whatever.
And stand tall at the end of your day, knowing that you are taking care of your family, marriage, and self all for the glory of God!

patience in the in-between

This week I have been trying to grasp what the resurrection of Christ really means to me. Of course we all know the Christianese of the ordeal, but what does it really mean to me? In my life? In my heart and soul? With all the busy coming and going of the holidays, it's easy to lose perspective.

I have been thinking about the crucifixion of Christ and how horrible it must have been to watch and have to witness the miracles one day and the suffering another. To see Jesus heal, bless, and speak to watching Him bruise, bleed, and cry out in agony.
And then what? What happened when the disciples and witnesses went home that night? What were they feeling about the future and I wonder how long the next few days must have felt...

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Little Leila with road trip hair <3 2008

When Adam and I were first married, after only three months, my cousin was killed in a car accident. My first thought when hearing of her death was about her little girl. I knew her daughter was a toddler and I knew she was in the foster system and that my cousin had been trying to win her back for over a year but couldn't get sober.
Adam, just a few days after my cousin's death, came to me and told me we need to look into her daughter's situation and see if there's anything we can do to help. I knew what he was getting at. :)

Most of our friends and family did not support us trying to foster a toddler that early in our marriage. It was a very difficult time for us. It was a very lonely time. I'd like to say it would have been easier with more support, but I believe God wanted us to stand on our own. I didn't understand the resistance. I didn't understand the comments people felt the need to say. But of course, now I can see how God worked.

Have you ever been in a season of life where you feel that people really don't know you at all? Well, this was it. Except, for the first time in my life, I had a companion who supported me.

Adam not only supported me, but stood up and spoke for me in times when I didn't have the words.
This not only strengthened our marriage but really showed me who he was in Christ.
And after all the fighting and discussions and comments, we had a little girl.
And then the storm really came.

Leila was sick the first week we had her. Fever of 102 and the flu. It was a week I will never forget. It really opened my eyes to the selflessness of parenting and the whole time wondering what God was doing.
Will this be our child forever? Will we be able to adopt? Does she even like us?
Then moving from those questions to the harder ones. Am I even fit to be a mother? Everyone says we're too young, that our marriage can't handle it. What if they're right?
What if Adam decides he married a psycho who shouldn't be a parent or a spouse?

This was a time when we really had to walk by faith. We had no idea what was going to happen.
Then, the nightmare happened. We definitely didn't anticipate that our little girl would move out so soon. We could have fought but Adam wanted to keep a good relationship with her family so that we could be involved in the future. Plus, we knew we weren't going to win.
At this time, our friends and family had just started coming around to the idea of Adam and I being parents. Being a family. People expected us to keep her.
And again, we dealt with the comments. The discussions. It was exhausting.

All this in our first year of marriage. And then by our first anniversary, she was gone.
And it was quiet. Still. Dark. We would find her hair ties or little toys for weeks and just cry. And by we, I mean we. Adam and I both were at a loss for words. We had no idea what God was doing.

We told ourselves that God was allowing us to be in her life so that later if she needs a safe place, she has one. We thought we would be there as cousins, or "aunts and uncles" or something...we really just told ourselves whatever we needed to hear in order to sleep.

I will never be able to thank those enough who stood by us. It was one of the most difficult times in my life and I truly appreciate the few of you who loved us and loved our little girl. Invited us into your home. Watched her so that Adam and I could go on a date (that could only happen a few times). Our little girl was very sensitive to new people and we really were blessed by those of you who made her feel comfortable and welcome. Thank you for praying for us.
And thank you to those who kept praying. Those of you who stayed faithful.

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It's amazing how a dark time is so quiet. That feeling of abandonment. Did God forget us? Was this really His plan? How could it be? How does that make sense?

Today, we're celebrating my daughter's eleventh birthday. How fitting that the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday we celebrate Leila. This day is the time that the followers of Christ, His friends who knew Him and talked with Him were in their dark, quiet time. They could question or have faith but nothing would reveal God's plan except time.

I have never thought of the message of Easter being about patience.
Waiting, after something terrible has happened, for the answer to your prayers.

Never, in my heart of hearts or wildest dreams, did I believe Leila would come back to us as our daughter. I will be honest. I changed the story of our life with her. At first, she was our daughter, then I accepted she wasn't and that somehow God must have made a mistake.

It makes me think about how the disciples doubted that Jesus was the Savior after watching Him suffer such a horrible death. The days before Jesus came back to life must have seemed long. Dark. Scary. Quiet.
It must have been easy to change the story. To think that God made a mistake.

Birthday girl 2015

The truth was, I needed to have faith in Him and His plan. I needed to be patient and wait through the stillness. I needed to be faithful during that time and believe that not only did God NOT forget me but He planned this quiet time so that we would draw close to Him.
He planned this time on purpose to strengthen our belief. He planned it in love. Perhaps as a test or maybe just part of a bigger picture.
And while some may doubt after conflict, others anticipate God's faithfulness.

Leila was adopted into our family in 2012. She is now ours forever. And I am so thankful for my sweet little lady who is growing up faster than I would like. I now have a constant reminder of God's faithfulness who skips around my house singing and playing dress up. I can now remember that if we're in a time of conflict, God has a purpose for everything. Even in the things we don't understand.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful girl. I'm so glad God brought you into our lives. And I'm so thankful for a God who listens to and answers our prayers. A faithful God who keeps His promises. A God who has a plan for life and victory!