patience in the in-between

This week I have been trying to grasp what the resurrection of Christ really means to me. Of course we all know the Christianese of the ordeal, but what does it really mean to me? In my life? In my heart and soul? With all the busy coming and going of the holidays, it's easy to lose perspective.

I have been thinking about the crucifixion of Christ and how horrible it must have been to watch and have to witness the miracles one day and the suffering another. To see Jesus heal, bless, and speak to watching Him bruise, bleed, and cry out in agony.
And then what? What happened when the disciples and witnesses went home that night? What were they feeling about the future and I wonder how long the next few days must have felt...

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Little Leila with road trip hair <3 2008

When Adam and I were first married, after only three months, my cousin was killed in a car accident. My first thought when hearing of her death was about her little girl. I knew her daughter was a toddler and I knew she was in the foster system and that my cousin had been trying to win her back for over a year but couldn't get sober.
Adam, just a few days after my cousin's death, came to me and told me we need to look into her daughter's situation and see if there's anything we can do to help. I knew what he was getting at. :)

Most of our friends and family did not support us trying to foster a toddler that early in our marriage. It was a very difficult time for us. It was a very lonely time. I'd like to say it would have been easier with more support, but I believe God wanted us to stand on our own. I didn't understand the resistance. I didn't understand the comments people felt the need to say. But of course, now I can see how God worked.

Have you ever been in a season of life where you feel that people really don't know you at all? Well, this was it. Except, for the first time in my life, I had a companion who supported me.

Adam not only supported me, but stood up and spoke for me in times when I didn't have the words.
This not only strengthened our marriage but really showed me who he was in Christ.
And after all the fighting and discussions and comments, we had a little girl.
And then the storm really came.

Leila was sick the first week we had her. Fever of 102 and the flu. It was a week I will never forget. It really opened my eyes to the selflessness of parenting and the whole time wondering what God was doing.
Will this be our child forever? Will we be able to adopt? Does she even like us?
Then moving from those questions to the harder ones. Am I even fit to be a mother? Everyone says we're too young, that our marriage can't handle it. What if they're right?
What if Adam decides he married a psycho who shouldn't be a parent or a spouse?

This was a time when we really had to walk by faith. We had no idea what was going to happen.
Then, the nightmare happened. We definitely didn't anticipate that our little girl would move out so soon. We could have fought but Adam wanted to keep a good relationship with her family so that we could be involved in the future. Plus, we knew we weren't going to win.
At this time, our friends and family had just started coming around to the idea of Adam and I being parents. Being a family. People expected us to keep her.
And again, we dealt with the comments. The discussions. It was exhausting.

All this in our first year of marriage. And then by our first anniversary, she was gone.
And it was quiet. Still. Dark. We would find her hair ties or little toys for weeks and just cry. And by we, I mean we. Adam and I both were at a loss for words. We had no idea what God was doing.

We told ourselves that God was allowing us to be in her life so that later if she needs a safe place, she has one. We thought we would be there as cousins, or "aunts and uncles" or something...we really just told ourselves whatever we needed to hear in order to sleep.

I will never be able to thank those enough who stood by us. It was one of the most difficult times in my life and I truly appreciate the few of you who loved us and loved our little girl. Invited us into your home. Watched her so that Adam and I could go on a date (that could only happen a few times). Our little girl was very sensitive to new people and we really were blessed by those of you who made her feel comfortable and welcome. Thank you for praying for us.
And thank you to those who kept praying. Those of you who stayed faithful.

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It's amazing how a dark time is so quiet. That feeling of abandonment. Did God forget us? Was this really His plan? How could it be? How does that make sense?

Today, we're celebrating my daughter's eleventh birthday. How fitting that the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday we celebrate Leila. This day is the time that the followers of Christ, His friends who knew Him and talked with Him were in their dark, quiet time. They could question or have faith but nothing would reveal God's plan except time.

I have never thought of the message of Easter being about patience.
Waiting, after something terrible has happened, for the answer to your prayers.

Never, in my heart of hearts or wildest dreams, did I believe Leila would come back to us as our daughter. I will be honest. I changed the story of our life with her. At first, she was our daughter, then I accepted she wasn't and that somehow God must have made a mistake.

It makes me think about how the disciples doubted that Jesus was the Savior after watching Him suffer such a horrible death. The days before Jesus came back to life must have seemed long. Dark. Scary. Quiet.
It must have been easy to change the story. To think that God made a mistake.

Birthday girl 2015

The truth was, I needed to have faith in Him and His plan. I needed to be patient and wait through the stillness. I needed to be faithful during that time and believe that not only did God NOT forget me but He planned this quiet time so that we would draw close to Him.
He planned this time on purpose to strengthen our belief. He planned it in love. Perhaps as a test or maybe just part of a bigger picture.
And while some may doubt after conflict, others anticipate God's faithfulness.

Leila was adopted into our family in 2012. She is now ours forever. And I am so thankful for my sweet little lady who is growing up faster than I would like. I now have a constant reminder of God's faithfulness who skips around my house singing and playing dress up. I can now remember that if we're in a time of conflict, God has a purpose for everything. Even in the things we don't understand.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful girl. I'm so glad God brought you into our lives. And I'm so thankful for a God who listens to and answers our prayers. A faithful God who keeps His promises. A God who has a plan for life and victory!