behind closed doors

Our family photo shoot, Aaron kept running off by himself.

My super adorable son, Aaron, turned three in October. Something I'm learning as a mama is that children LOVE their independence even before they're ready for it. Aaron loves to be a big boy and do everything himself.

Go potty, get dressed, wash up, make food, put on outdoor gear, etc.

Well, it's interesting. We have a strict "open door" policy in our home for everyone's comfort. The only time someone can close a door is when they are getting dressed. Of course, as the Mom, I have the right to come in whenever I deem it worthy and within reason.
But something I'm learning from my little, toddler lad is that he loves to close the door.
Bathroom, bedroom, closet, garage, really any door. He wants his privacy. He loves it.
And, Aaronbug, I'm sorry but you got this from me.

The need for alone time. *sigh* I love being alone. With my Savior, just sitting. Looking. Listening. It's absolutely wonderful. Just taking Him in, letting Him have my all. I also love having chocolate in that alone time...mmm chocolate (thinks about how far away the kitchen is)... be right back.
*Yum*
However, (fun fact about Cheryl) when I'm in a group of people, I am often super uncomfortable. I'm a do-er and when I'm around people, I need something to go and do.

I will often make weird jokes and/or comments that few understand. I usually hear myself talking when I really need to stop. I find myself looking for an excuse to leave and go do something else, even if it's my party.
It's bizarre.
If I'm being social with you, and there is a large group around us, consider yourself one of the rare gems I feel comfortable with. And if I run away from you, know that it is not you. It's me. I have issues. Haha! After about ten minutes, I go and do. And this has nothing to do with the group of people.
But please, come up and talk to me in groups. Break me of my "running and doing" habit.

Well, as mothers, you all know that your children inherit both good and bad from you. Yes, my sweet boy could have all of his favorite people in our home-- friends, family, everyone. And wanna know where he goes after a while? To his room. To play. By himself....

With the door closed.

And you might be thinking, what's the big deal? What could happen? (If you're thinking that, it's been a long time since you've watched toddlers for an extended amount of time)

...think about it...you Mama's know that feeling, when everything is nice and quiet and you take a deep breath *sigh* and then you realize...where is my child?
everything is nice?  and QUIET?! ...
And you quickly try to remember the last thing you said to this child or asked them to do and you KNOW that whatever you asked them to do would not normally take this long...
And as you're thinking this, you're already halfway across the house when you find this child (door opens) CAUGHT!
And they look at you with that scared face...with big eyes they just freeze.
"Oh, no! Does she know what I've been doing?" or "I don't remember what she asked me to do." or if they're really adorable, they smile and say "Hi, Mama!" and have no idea what you asked them or that you even wanted them to do anything at all. (A few times they might have even completed the task in obedience, those are good days! Can I get an amen?!)

What's interesting to me is the closed door bit. Why close the door? What's the thought behind closing the door? Is it for privacy or secrecy? It can't be a habit because of house rules. So, are they planning to disobey in advance or just seizing the opportunity?

Either way, this is an area of temptation. And if he wants to do something kind, he can ask for privacy for a little while. But the door must be reopened because not only are we called to love others more than thinking of ourselves, but we are warned about what happens in private. In the dark.

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It's never that someone has deep sin problems when they're at the table with their families. This deep sin usually happens in a private, dark room with the door shut, curtains closed, and lights off.
We all have a sin that we like to keep secret. A sin that goes deep. Something that started a long time ago that we have gotten pretty comfortable with.

Perhaps an idol you've placed before God. Maybe it's a relationship or a secret comfort that you run to when no one's looking.

I grew up with two parents who struggled with addiction.
I thought that being a "Christian" was something we practiced on Sundays and then throughout the week when it worked into our schedules.
For the most part, many family members were genuine in their faith. But they had their secrets. And I thought this was not only normal, but should be part of our lives.

Now, more than ever, I have to fight to not keep my little secrets. Even if it seems harmless, I still bring it to light.
Whatever I do in my alone time, I usually share with a close friend, my husband, and the Lord. I try to be as real as I can be in my struggle with sin so that nothing will creep up on me later.

However, I am very well aware of the idea that what we see on Sunday is not what we get. There is more to everyone's story. Not to say that we should go around in disbelief of someone's love for the Lord, but rather be cautious in our ideas of someone's life being "all together". I am so surprised when people say they think my life is so "put together" or I seem like I have it "all figured out"....

bahahaha!

I cry out to God on a pretty regular basis for help! In raising children, loving my spouse more and myself less, serving in the church, and ministering to my family, friends, neighbors, etc., I need help. I ask the Holy Spirit for help because I am too weak and selfish to do it on my own.
Not only that, but I have my secret struggle too.

• The thoughts that we know are lies but believe them and act on them. 
• Lashing out in anger because we don't feel like having self control.
• Having a pity party even though we know we are called to be mature and work hard.
• Loving something that we know really isn't good for us.
• Choosing to participate in an activity even though we know God doesn't want us to.
• The thoughts and dreams we choose to meditate on even though we know it's not Godly or God's will.
• The words we choose to speak when we know they might be unnecessary, untrue, or unkind.

We all have sin. We all have something we struggle with. And instead of running to the back of the house, closing the door, and hoping we have enough time before we get caught to participate in such sin, we really should open that door, let the light in, and cry out to God for help!

Ephesians 5:7-12
Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.

If we were formerly darkness, then we really do need to walk as children of Light. No more pretending that we have it all together. Let's be real with each other; let's be real with ourselves. And most importantly, we should recognize there are no secrets with God. We can lie and convince ourselves that our sin isn't a problem, that we have peace with God. But the Word says to confess our sin, to repent and turn away from the darkness of sin. And truly, there is no peace in our secret struggle. True peace comes from being right with God. Our unmentioned and unconfessed sin eats at us, slowly, and eventually consumes and kills us.

Every time there is a closed door in my home, I knock, wait, and listen before opening.
If God were knocking, I sure hope I wouldn't have to scurry to hide my secret.
In obedience, I hope that I would be able to lovingly smile and say, "Hi God!" without having to remember what it is He asked me to do.