taking care & standing tall

This time last year, I was preparing to have my third child enter the world. With having two kids, I will say that I had no idea how much life would change with the third coming along. I don't know if this is the same struggle other mother's deal with, but three was a lot for me! With two, it seemed like I could still have my own thoughts.
You know, uninterrupted sentences forming in my mind that actually make sense. And only occasionally. But still.
Sentences that made me feel like the educated, semi-intelligent, mature woman that I am.

Samuel driving around the house, no fear!

Then, Samuel was born. And he is my soldier. I love this boy! He laughs at danger, scary things, and most of the discipline that I try to enforce in his life. And while I see how God could use this little soul for His glory, I also quickly realized I was not only in way over my head, but I was turning into an insane person.
It seemed like constant talking, correcting, discipline, cooking, cleaning, folding...talking, correcting, and more discipline. With a little slice of playful time and laughter every now and then. But for the most part, I was maxed out by the end of my day.
Ah, pillows never seemed so wonderful.

With two kids, it seemed like we had a rhythm in our home that I could hear and follow. Sure, there were off days, but for the most part my husby and I could keep them and each other in line.
But after my third, (and again, I'm learning this number is different for each mom and depending on the personality of each child) my sweet little Samuel, I needed a break!

He was about four months old when my husband went out to get his duck hunting license. Now, I love that my husband has hobbies! And more importantly, I love that he has Godly friends to go with and participate in these hobbies.
In going to get his license, we started the discussion of "hobby money". We decided that we should put money aside every month or two for hobbies of his since he has projects, hunting, fishing, and this should be planned. Makes sense, right?

Well, I was sitting at home, looking at our budget, and I realized...why don't I have "hobby money"? And more accurately, why don't I have any hobbies?!?!

People! I used to paint, read, sing, bike ride, hike, fish, camp, kick box...not to mention, I could complete a pretty complicated puzzle in record time! I mean, I was a pretty cool chick.
How come now that I have kids...I don't DO anything?!?!

Are you hearing me? Have you ever felt like this?
And to top it all off, do I really want to go for years at a time without having any hobbies?

So, after Adam came home, the good man that he is, he told me that not only can I have hobby money, but I should. (Blows kisses at husband) :)

...well, guess what happened next?
You got it.
Nothing. I realized how much of a total loser I had become.
My hobby time was going to be irregular, so I couldn't sign up for a class. (Which, why would I? Homework=yuck)
I didn't have a clue what I was going to do. So I did what any normal, desperate for alone time person would do... I got a book and went to a coffee shop... I also went to the store and just walked around looking at things. I didn't spend very much money, just took time to walk. Slowly.

It was fabulous.

Not only did I return home a healthier, happier mama but a very appreciative wife as well. ;)
I'm just saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder. (turns on romantic music)

Well, a couple months went by and I turned my hobby money into fellowship money. I realized why men always plan a project or an activity--because they need it. They're not typically going to go sit for a few hours and just talk the whole time.
But women?! I literally can sit and talk with you precious ladies for days! Especially if there's food!!

So, issue number one: get something to do.
Issue number two...this is what I like to call the "check-in call guilt".

When my super-awesome husband calls to check in from his hobby time it's no big deal. Even if he's running late, he'll apologize of course, and I forgive him and he let's it go. He doesn't carry it with him all day, feeling like a failure as a parent or spouse. And I don't make him feel that way either. I PLAN for his hobbies and plan time with the kids to accommodate.
But guess what I learned about us ladies?
We feel bad for taking "me" time. When I call to check-in, I wonder if he really means what he says. The doubt kicks in and brings a side of guilt.
Are the kids okay? Is the house okay? Maybe I should go home? Will he be mad at me? Will the kids remember me? And this turns into...I knew I shouldn't have _______. I am a terrible mother and wife.

Not only do we apologize for the burden it puts on our family, we feel bad almost the entire time we're out. Maybe we enjoy a little bit, but most of us tend to carry the weight of our responsibilities as mothers and wives even if we planned ahead and communicated. Now, it's not like I need my husband's "permission" but if I want a healthy marriage (which I do) then yes, I NEED to communicate when and if I will be having my own time.
As should he. And he does. (blows more kisses to husband)
And with the communication, we women plan meals, clean the house, give all the necessary information...I mean we REALLY cover the bases.

So then, why, after agreeing with my spouse, planning ahead, communicating, budgeting, etc. why do I feel guilt or doubt that I am not doing the right thing?

There is so much pressure on women to be and do everything right. We put it on ourselves. We put it on each other. But, I'd like to release myself from this pressure. And I'd like for all of you awesome ladies to do it with me. I would like for us to stop doubting. Stop feeling guilt about things that are not only right but good.

If you're doing everything in your life for the glory of God, then taking care of yourself should be something you do to bring glory to Him as well, shouldn't it? Think about it, if taking time for a hobby, craft, friendship, etc. with no kids, means you come home with a refreshed attitude and perspective and have a little more pep in your step with your hubby, then why should that make you feel bad?

I have heard women talk about how they didn't take care of themselves for years because they were busy raising children.

This scares me. Have we really accepted that having children means we lose ourselves? Is that right?
Self-sacrifice is part of having a family, and you can't have successful, loving relationships by being selfish.
However, that doesn't mean you should go ten years without dating your husband. Or even ten months. Or that you shouldn't work out because you're too busy with your kids, or not do you hair or put effort into yourself just because you have a very busy job.

I don't want to blame my kids for losing myself. I want to use my skills and abilities to glorify God in all areas of my life. This includes friendships. This includes my marriage. This includes having balance in the multiple ministries I am called to juggle.

James 1:5-8
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

I love that this scripture describes the type of person you are when you doubt. Do we really want to be the type of women who are tossed any which way in our faith? Doubt is more destructive than we recognize. We don't call it out as often as we should.
And, how many times do we ask God for more patience, kindness, or even peace about our lives but do not manage our time with the right balance and wisdom to end up with a life of patience, kindness, and peace?

If you believe you should have more balance, you should do whatever you need in order to find balance in glorifying God with your life. As a mom, I was overwhelmed. The everyday life was getting to be too much, so every two weeks or so, I would take a break. Go have some girl time or a date night! This improved my roles inside and outside of my home.

I want to encourage all of you ladies to make time that is necessary for your husband. For your friends. For yourself. AND for your children. I date my children regularly as well! There needs to be balance.

I can't do it all everyday, but I try to make an effort every month. Husby time. Friend time. Me time (which turns into Jesus time). Kiddos time. <3 BALANCE = bliss.

Colossians 3:17
Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

So, again, I ask you--if you are doing something that helps your life, relationships, and ministries by having a regular hobby or time for your thoughts, why do you feel bad about this or doubt that what you're doing is wrong?

No, we should be confident in taking care of ourselves. I am not going to let myself discourage myself anymore. I have the Holy Spirit in me who is capable of anything. However, it is about having balance in our ministries. I am sick of hearing about how women feel bad making a decision that is something they wanted.
Now again...balance. If you feel convicted by your choice, follow the Lord's guidance. However, don't lose yourself in taking care of everyone else. God wants you to take care of yourself too!

We should walk in confidence in the relationship we have with our Lord.

I was at the point where I literally had to remind myself out loud, "I love Jesus. I am a Christian. I can do this." I would have to FIGHT for the moment where it is so quiet you can actually hear Him again.

Ladies retreat this weekend, holla!

With screaming babies, dirty diapers, water boiling over, fire alarms going off, the dog barking, children disobeying, and dinner not working out the way I intended....there are times when I would disappear to my closet with the lights off and the door shut just to remember the stillness of God and that I walk in His presence.

Being a mother is the type of job that swallows you up if you allow it. Being a diligent, devoted wife is also all-encompassing. We have to fight for time to take care of ourselves. We are called to take care of ourselves!
Body, mind, and soul.
So, take care!
Find a hobby, find a friend, whatever.
And stand tall at the end of your day, knowing that you are taking care of your family, marriage, and self all for the glory of God!