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Whoever said motherhood is a privilege lied. It was a half-truth, really, which anyone should tell you is actually a lie. Motherhood is not just a privilege but a job. I don't believe it needs to be one or the other. For many of the first months of motherhood, I felt so much guilt for not enjoying my baby the way I thought I was going to.
I mean, let's be honest. Nobody likes tired, fussy babies! We all feel bad for them and want them to get well because we don't want our child to suffer AND because when they do suffer, it means more work for us. It is so much better when your child is well, happy, fed, rested, and smiling. Sign me up for that part of motherhood any day!
I enjoy taking care of my child, and sure I have compassion for them. But tired babies who only want to be held by you...who just scream and scream... in your face...you'd have to be insane to enjoy that! Something might be wrong, maybe they're hungry (right after you fed them) or maybe they peed a tiny bit and want the neighbors to know. But I'm just going to be honest...I do not enjoy doing this part of parenting. We do it, sure, because it's our job and our privilege. But there are some aspects of all jobs and privileges that are not as enjoyable as others. And there are some job duties that you really don't enjoy, and that is totally okay.
In any job, no one likes long hours and working for those who don't appreciate us. We are not called to find joy in the long hours, we are called to communicate with our boss (God) and maybe share the workload (husband, family, friends, etc.). We are called to prioritize and discipline our schedules to make time for what needs to be done (chores, blah, blah, blah). We are also called to reevaluate when something about our job/privilege is not working and needs to change (ask others what they do, try different methods in your routine, research and read up on the subject, etc.). And the awesome part of the job of motherhood is that we can eventually teach our children to appreciate us and others who work hard for them! (I think sometimes my husband wishes he could do this with those he works with.)
We all have had different journeys into motherhood. Some find themselves thrown into motherhood very quickly; others pray and wait for years for their precious little one. However, regardless of your journey, you do not need to feel bad about struggling as a parent. Parenting is hard, no matter the parent and no matter the child.
Most men and women love to cuddle with their sweet little child. Cuddles, giggles, and that smile in the middle of the night are all precious memories to be cherished. When you teach your child something and watch them practice and apply the lesson. When your child thanks you for doing a good job, even if you spent half the day disciplining them. When your spouse appreciates your hard work and trusts you with raising your children. When your friends can have their children come over and both sets of kids are good influences on each other. These are all moments that make your heart warm and fuzzy as a parent.
There are some aspects of parenting, however, I have learned that are not as easy to enjoy. The times we are being tested. The times we struggle as parents, believe lies about ourselves, and feel guilt and shame about who we are in trials and how weak we become.
Story time: My daughter was convinced at the wise age of 10 years old that she would be better off on her own. She wanted to be an adult. Now, of course, this was an "adult" according to her definition, but nonetheless she wanted f r e e d o m.
Freedom from parents, rules, bed times, suggestions, homework, school, personal hygiene, etc. However, when she came to me (no judgment, please), I supported her in her desires. I sat down and talked with her about what this would really look like. I explained that it was my job to make sure she was safe and if I didn't do that then I wasn't obeying God. BUT if she really wanted to move out and get a job, I would entertain the idea for a little bit.
We talked for almost a half-hour about jobs she could apply for with her knowledge and experience gained in her ten years of life, we talked about the lifestyle she would afford based on that kind of income, and we talked about her dreams and future based on moving out and starting her life without the support of parents.
I'd love to tell you that she learned her lesson and immediately hugged and thanked me for all my hard work as her mother...sigh... but she didn't. She's a little stubborn. She eventually stopped discussing the idea with me. I encouraged her to journal.
To this day, I still wrestle with the discontentment in my daughter's heart. Her desire to be the boss and make the rules. The absolute dislike of discipline, school work, and other parenting guidelines in place for her safety. (The maturity will come, I know) But in the meantime, while my children are immature and a little lost in their sin, it is easy to become discouraged and overwhelmed with parenting and feel like giving up! Being completely honest, much like in my marriage, with my children I don't feel love all the time but have to choose love.
But the questions that run through my mind are what get me. What am I doing wrong? Why is my child STILL struggling with this behavior? Why do I not like my child right now? How could I feel this way? And many others that eventually lead me to the killer conclusion: I am a terrible mother.
It's okay, keep reading. For those of you struggling right now, swallow it down... wipe your face... and keep reading.
When I'm tired from only getting four chopped-up hours of sleep, angry about my child's sin that hurt me, sad because I have to discipline them again in a way that I really don't want to, it is not easy to feel love for them. That is normal!
Sin hurts. Selfishness hurts. And while I teach this to them, and try to be a true example of God's love, I realized pretty quickly in motherhood that the feeling of love doesn't last.
Godly love knows the good and the bad and is committed just the same. His love for us is compassion for us in our weaknesses, graciousness when we offend and hurt Him, faithfulness when we feel like being our own boss or running away, and admiration when we're really struggling to be admirable.
Human love, however, is based on the moment. It is conditional. It shouldn't be hard work, it should "come easy" and "quickly" and last "forever". Human love is the sum of your feelings.
As mothers, we will not always feel happy, warm, or loving toward our child. There will be other feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, and disappointment.
We all have had different journeys into motherhood. Some find themselves thrown into motherhood very quickly; others pray and wait for years for their precious little one. However, regardless of your journey, you do not need to feel bad about struggling as a parent. Parenting is hard, no matter the parent and no matter the child.
Most men and women love to cuddle with their sweet little child. Cuddles, giggles, and that smile in the middle of the night are all precious memories to be cherished. When you teach your child something and watch them practice and apply the lesson. When your child thanks you for doing a good job, even if you spent half the day disciplining them. When your spouse appreciates your hard work and trusts you with raising your children. When your friends can have their children come over and both sets of kids are good influences on each other. These are all moments that make your heart warm and fuzzy as a parent.
There are some aspects of parenting, however, I have learned that are not as easy to enjoy. The times we are being tested. The times we struggle as parents, believe lies about ourselves, and feel guilt and shame about who we are in trials and how weak we become.
Story time: My daughter was convinced at the wise age of 10 years old that she would be better off on her own. She wanted to be an adult. Now, of course, this was an "adult" according to her definition, but nonetheless she wanted f r e e d o m.
Freedom from parents, rules, bed times, suggestions, homework, school, personal hygiene, etc. However, when she came to me (no judgment, please), I supported her in her desires. I sat down and talked with her about what this would really look like. I explained that it was my job to make sure she was safe and if I didn't do that then I wasn't obeying God. BUT if she really wanted to move out and get a job, I would entertain the idea for a little bit.
We talked for almost a half-hour about jobs she could apply for with her knowledge and experience gained in her ten years of life, we talked about the lifestyle she would afford based on that kind of income, and we talked about her dreams and future based on moving out and starting her life without the support of parents.
I'd love to tell you that she learned her lesson and immediately hugged and thanked me for all my hard work as her mother...sigh... but she didn't. She's a little stubborn. She eventually stopped discussing the idea with me. I encouraged her to journal.
To this day, I still wrestle with the discontentment in my daughter's heart. Her desire to be the boss and make the rules. The absolute dislike of discipline, school work, and other parenting guidelines in place for her safety. (The maturity will come, I know) But in the meantime, while my children are immature and a little lost in their sin, it is easy to become discouraged and overwhelmed with parenting and feel like giving up! Being completely honest, much like in my marriage, with my children I don't feel love all the time but have to choose love.
But the questions that run through my mind are what get me. What am I doing wrong? Why is my child STILL struggling with this behavior? Why do I not like my child right now? How could I feel this way? And many others that eventually lead me to the killer conclusion: I am a terrible mother.
It's okay, keep reading. For those of you struggling right now, swallow it down... wipe your face... and keep reading.
When I'm tired from only getting four chopped-up hours of sleep, angry about my child's sin that hurt me, sad because I have to discipline them again in a way that I really don't want to, it is not easy to feel love for them. That is normal!
Sin hurts. Selfishness hurts. And while I teach this to them, and try to be a true example of God's love, I realized pretty quickly in motherhood that the feeling of love doesn't last.
Godly love knows the good and the bad and is committed just the same. His love for us is compassion for us in our weaknesses, graciousness when we offend and hurt Him, faithfulness when we feel like being our own boss or running away, and admiration when we're really struggling to be admirable.
Human love, however, is based on the moment. It is conditional. It shouldn't be hard work, it should "come easy" and "quickly" and last "forever". Human love is the sum of your feelings.
As mothers, we will not always feel happy, warm, or loving toward our child. There will be other feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, and disappointment.
Much like any other ministry, you will serve and serve and serve some more and you will do this because it is your calling. There will be good days and bad. There will be days that are hard and then there will be days that are harder, and then there will be one day that is less hard. But you will keep serving your child and family because you know God has given you this task and is ultimately going to bless you for obeying Him.
We, as mothers, are not guaranteed about the fruit our actions will bear. The warning of consequence, raised eyebrows, repeated commands... repeated commands... repeated commands, they all help to train your child in the way they ought to go…but ultimately only God knows the journey your little one will travel.
You, at times, will feel overwhelmed. Unappreciated or maybe unnoticed. You will feel judged. You will be disappointed in yourself.
And you will be your own worst critic.
You will have unattainable goals and unrealistic dreams for what kind of mother you will be.
I know, I know. You’re all thinking “Man, this is a bit harsh...” “Maybe this is the wrong season for Cheryl to be sharing about this…”
BUT this is the most important part…the bar you set for yourself, you won’t be able to reach…and that is all part of God’s design.
God designed ministry to reflect the need men and women have for a Savior, and for the ever-present, living God to be an ongoing part of that ministry. Parenthood, like other ministries, is about selflessness. We cannot be naturally selfless.
This adventure of parenting will refine you and stretch you in ways God sees that you need to be changed. The only way for you to be the mother you’ve always dreamt you would be, is if you make the Lord your focus.
You’ve already began experiencing the crazy, bizarre questions and preferences of parenting that you never knew were so important. Such as, bottle or breast, cloth or disposable diapers, vaccines or no vaccines, pacifiers or thumb, stroller or carrier, hospital or home birth, belly or back, and then there’s feeding schedules, sleeping schedules….who wouldn’t be overwhelmed?
But something I learned very quickly…is take a deep breath.
Go ahead. Take a deep breath.
(whispers) Because none of this stuff really matters.
You can think ahead and plan and plan and plan (and you should think and plan)…but only God knows the journey He has for you and only HE will be able to guide you through it. You make informed decisions and really, experiment on your child, you and your husband use your wisdom and choose your preferences and then you pray and pray and pray for your family.
This is parenthood. Making decisions, experimenting, and praying. We like to think we have it all figured out, that we know the answers. But this is what I know…I know that no matter how hard I try, I will not be the perfect mother. I will have to apologize to my children. And not just apologize but repent.
I will be humbled over and over again…and so will you. But God will use your baby to fashion and refine you into His beautiful design. He will direct you in the way you need to parent, love, and discipline your child. And He is in control of the outcome.
Some promises in scripture about discipline that I need to remind myself sometimes include…
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 29:17
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
Motherhood is a job AND motherhood is a privilege. There is no reason to mislead yourself down the happy road of optimistic (and unrealistic) expectations...it won't get better with time. Parenthood is difficult in every season but rather than worry or become discouraged, you can should pray. God wants you to draw closer to Him, maybe that's why He put you in a ministry that overwhelms you...
You need your God. And He wants you.
Do what you need to in order to remind yourself that you have a God that loves you! He wants you to succeed and gave you the Holy Spirit in order to see you succeed. Put up verses, turn on encouraging music, whatever you need, remember—you have the Holy Spirit.
You need your God. And He wants you.
Do what you need to in order to remind yourself that you have a God that loves you! He wants you to succeed and gave you the Holy Spirit in order to see you succeed. Put up verses, turn on encouraging music, whatever you need, remember—you have the Holy Spirit.
Therefore, through the Spirit of God, you have love when you’re hurt, you have joy when you’re sad, you have peace about the future, patience for the sleepless nights, kindness for the controversial conversations, goodness for the moments you really feel like being selfish, faithfulness when you don’t feel like being a Christian, gentleness when you get a little fiery, and self control when the fire e x p l o d e s.
You can have Godly love for your child all the time, just seek Him and He will help. God chose you to be this child's mother. Say that, the Almighty God who fashioned the heavens, chose me to raise this child. It's not a mistake. It's not an oversight.
Trust Him.
Trust Him.
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