when your child is hurting & you have no solution

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Many wise women have passed on sayings to me such as, "Children are meant for our sanctification and growth", or "Children raise you", something that basically sums up the inevitable change and at times, violent shove that our children give us into a more selfless and better version of ourselves. Not only that, but the refining that happens allows us to better understand God in His love for us.

Starting with new born babies who need us for everything from changing their clothes, washing their bodies, feeding them and calming them down only so that they can burp to grown children who need counsel in situations we cannot prepare for, control or predict, and have no idea how painful they will be or how long they will last; we, as parents, are bombarded with the false idea that we are in control.

One reason parenting is the hardest job in the world is because you go from being told you have all the control over your child (safety measures, life lessons, ABC's, nutrition, modesty, education, etc.) and what happens to your child (environment, play dates, baby sitter choices, car seats, doctor check-ups, etc.) to aggressively and quickly realizing that you have NO control over who your child becomes and what their path might include.
No matter how thoughtful or dedicated you are as a parent, you cannot save your child from hurt and heart break. You cannot make all the pain go away. Kissing the boo-boos only helps for a season, and after time, you realize you're in desperate need of something or someone more powerful than you to help your child.

This is where the worldly parent plays the blame game and ultimately does more harm or gives up. The moment a child suffers, humans rush to find blame and point fingers only to realize that identifying what's wrong is only half the battle. The real hardship is when the marathon is half over and you're tired and lacking faith that you'll finish and THIS is when you're in need of a solution. Not just a fault or a label, but a real solution for the pain. A solution in which you are still the parent your child needs. The secular mind finds "solutions" like detaching from their child(ren), redefining the relationship as one with no parental guidance out of desperation, drinking, eating, or even staying busy for a distraction, or using modern medicine or secular psychology to try to understand and treat their child's problem.

If your child has a health issue, of course, try to find a health solution. But I can't tell you how many times people have rubbed the latest and greatest all over my child to help them with their anxiety, rather than pointing them to Jesus. It's like Job's friends who came to visit him, "There's got to be a reason and solution for this pain."

Sometimes even for the Christian parent it is only after we've attempted our legalistic ideas of controlling the outcome of our children that we go to prayer. Don't you love this? As soon as something goes wrong, even the church falls into the trap of playing the blame game and giving false solutions. If the problem or pain is coming from a physical, emotional, or behavioral problem, how many people do you know that immediately suggest a remedy? And how many times have you foolishly suggested an answer for a problem you didn't fully understand? However, with a true Christian parent, you have grace from the Holy Spirit, who (Thank You, God) convicts us of our insensitivity and helps us to listen, have compassion, seek His Word, and go to prayer. He reminds us of our true hope. AND He gives perspective for the pain so that we can relate with each other.

Faith might be lacking or weak at times, but the sovereignty of God is all we can put our hope in. The true message that because of Christ, we have an answer (and purpose) for the pain.
Our answer (even though hard to swallow): Have faith that God is in control.

I write this with a humbled and broken heart over my pride.
I truly believed that making the right decisions and caring enough for my children would help them get through whatever hardships they might face.
I believed I was enough. Of course, that's not what I would say. I'd say it takes "the Lord".
However, I live(d) like I should be enough. I expect(ed) that I should be enough.

Some of you might be in this boat still (or getting in and out). Planning and deciding who your child may become with faith that doing the right thing produces sure results. Or even blaming whatever pain your child is going through on one particular "for instance" and forgetting how God orchestrated and used pain in your life, maybe not for a purpose that was easy to see.
The truth is, you need to ask yourself who is in control.

Over and over again, I battle with believing I'm in control of my life. I go back and forth between God is in control to Okay, I got it from here. And over and over again God brings me to the end of myself.

This year alone, I have been faced with so many situations where I had nothing to give. No kindness, no patience, no solution, no words of wisdom... Just brokenness, exhaustion, deep breaths, long gazes, lots of tears, and prayers, prayers, prayers. It has been reassurance to me that God is with me always, as I have still been able to be friendly, kind, patient, etc. in times when I really didn't want to be.

When I come to the end of myself, God does His finest work. All the pain has done just what it was designed to do...bring me to my knees before a loving God who has a plan. When you lose faith in His plan, you lose faith in an eternal outcome of goodness.

My prayers have become deeper out of desperation for answers. My time with the Lord has become more frequent out of need and survival through hard times. My need for and love of worship has grown in order to drown out all the lies in my mind and those spoken around me. And in the darkest, most painful moments, I speak scripture into my life...

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." Help me Lord, to "lay aside every burden and the sin which so easily entangles me, and let me run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Help me to "consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart." Amen.

Psalm 121:1-2 & Romans 12:1-3

the pride in "my plan"

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Pregnancy is one of the fragile times of life where we learn the balance between planning and trusting. You're responsible for caring for yourself and your baby to the best of your ability, however, unforeseen and unplanned things can happen that are completely out of our control causing a breakdown or sometimes aggressive change to our plan. And ultimately push us to trust in the Lord for His outcome. (We realize we are not really in control, and never have been)

There are many times in life that require this same approach. Any season that requires life planning;  college and career choices, engagement, marriage, family planning, job choosing, financial planning, even caring for our families in meals we make and the education we provide to our children, etc. There are times where we are required to research and make a responsible plan for whatever God has called us to do...however, He uses that plan almost immediately for His sovereign design of your life. And in ways you cannot plan for.

You think you're going shopping at the store, only to run into someone who is in need of encouragement. You plan to seek a career in a specific field, only to find that the first interest led you to an even greater career you love. You plan to marry the man of your dreams by a certain age, only to find yourself still waiting to meet him three years after your planned wedding. You plan to have two or three children by the time you're thirty, only to find yourself unable to carry a baby of your own and you only have one year left. You plan to have plenty of money by saving and investing for your future only to find yourself in the middle of an unforeseen circumstance that has drained your accounts...the list goes on and can have both positive and seemingly negative outcomes.

While there is nothing wrong with planning, there sure is a lot of pride that can be wrapped up in each part of our plan.

God requires us to plan, to be wise, to consider different outcomes, to work hard, and to pray and trust Him to lead us. However, God also requires flexibility and humility. He doesn't just require it, He forces it in the most loving way in order to sanctify us; to make us holy.

Between prenatals, appointments, lists, to-dos, plans for parenting, birthing/breastfeeding classes, and all the shopping and projects we can keep ourselves busy with, how much of what we do is really about us and our perfect plan for our lives?
Instead of pregnancy, let's think more generally. What about buying a house, starting a business, or even just eating healthier and working out. Nothing is "wrong" with any of these plans, but we must ask ourselves, is what we're doing about living a life fully trusting the Lord and living in worship of Him? AND giving Him the glory of the outcome? OR is it about us, our pride, and how responsible we are in all the things we do? How awesome our outcome is because we are awesome?

Recently, I've watched a lot of young people start to get wrapped up in their plans. Financial, family planning, marriage, parenting, education, and even their physical health. If there is a best way to do something, they know it and put it out for the world to see.

THIS NEW THING will save you, your family, your marriage, your life, your attitude, etc. Buy this product, read this book, do this project, eat this food, be this kind of mom, be this kind of wife, put your money here, plan, plan plan and then look at how awesome you are. What a false message of pride. And completely contrary to the gospel.

If there is nothing good in us, then how does something good come out of us? By the grace of God. By His gifting and purpose. By His work in us.

It is by the mercy of God alone that anyone has anything good in their life. You can plan, work hard, marry someone amazing, raise your children right, and still your life turns out to be a giant, complicated mess that challenges you in ways that keep you looking at the cross. This is His divine plan. But it's not simple, clean, or easy.
It's hard, it hurts at times, and it challenges you in ways to keep you growing.
Be careful how much faith you put in yourself. In your plan.

And for those of you learning this lesson right now, this lesson of pain in times where you thought you were prepared, remember God is working in this pain. He is divinely working on you and your heart and will work in others too (hopefully) with time.

We are called to boast in what the Lord has done, not in our worldly efforts (no matter how fruitful they might seem). I'm happy for you if your life has been a smooth ride, especially if you've been working at being responsible and making decisions wisely. But being wise isn't the goal, being successful isn't the goal.

Glorifying Him in all seasons is the goal. Using His wisdom and letting Him guide you doesn't mean your life will work out the way you've planned. Or that the outcome will be pleasant. In truth, it means you will end up right where He wants you...which is very comforting when life gets difficult because you know He put you there.

Colossians 3:12-19
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works so that no one may boast.

1 John 2:15-17
Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father in not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. 

true salvation, no matter the age

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This morning I went into the bathroom to help my son get ready for church. He was just finishing on the toilet (4 years old) and needed some *ahem* assistance. I won't describe the details.
However, he said to me something so precious, I will never forget it. He told me that he was praying just now and asked God to be in his heart so that Satan wasn't the boss anymore. He explained that he didn't want Satan to be inside of him and that he wanted God to be there instead. (Hold your judgment please, we didn't exactly teach him that Satan was his boss, but I guess that's how he interpreted it)

As I tried to control my excitement, (and get rid of my guilt from missing this moment), I just let him talk for a bit so that I could be sure of where his heart was. He also asked why his dad asked Jesus to be in his heart when he was little and did it again later. I corrected him and stated that Dad asked the Lord into his life when he was a little boy and later asked the Lord to help him follow God's commands. I explained that you don't need to ask God to come into your life more than once, however, you will need His help daily in order to obey and follow God. Then we hugged and called the whole family to the bathroom to celebrate. We explained the function of the physical heart and the design of the soul (to the best of our abilities) and how we really have the Lord in our souls when we receive salvation.

I have been convicted that it is my responsibility and duty as a mother to teach my children about the Lord Jesus Christ. We know in scripture it says to teach future generations diligently about who the Lord is at all times.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Deuteronomy 6:5-7

We want our children to have salvation for the sake of their soul and life purpose. They need a Savior the same way we do and they need a Lord. A Ruler, a Boss, someone in charge to give guidelines and boundaries for their own good and safety. And Someone who loves them with a pure, faithful love more than they can ever be loved by another.

So, where did we get this idea of "asking Jesus into our hearts"? Or that the ABC's of salvation is enough as a one time decision? Where is the repentance and when does asking the Lord Jesus to be your Savior turn into a daily decision to follow Him and listen to His Word.

Salvation is not a super simple process but it is supernatural. Which means we can't control or fully understand it. Salvation comes from the Lord. And PRAISE GOD we are not masters of things we don't understand.  The ironic thing about salvation is that we can spend years trying to teach our children about Christ and our child can decide to follow Him, without assistance from us, on the toilet with God. Maybe it's a good thing I wasn't with him, after all? (rhetorical)

The Bible teaches us to walk by faith in this life (2 Corinthians 5:7). That the Holy Spirit guides us in obedience of God's Word (Ezekiel 36:27) And that when we don't respond to conviction of sin, it leads to spiritual death. (Psalm 32:3) We also read that we are called to do and not just hear the Word of God (James 1:22-24).

Of course, most Christians (and I mean people who actually follow after Christ) know this already. But unless you really identify these biblical principles in your home, explain and model to your children what true salvation is, they could be misled for many years about what a relationship with God looks like. It is not acceptable for children or adults to make a decision one time and have no change in their life or heart, to live however you like but put your "church-face" on for Sunday and Wednesday. It is equally unacceptable to teach the religious idea of worship without life change from a relationship. If we are called to follow and worship Christ, we do it all day, everyday (even if we do it poorly). There is no perfection here yet, only persistence. 

Daily living with the Lord should show that we have a desire to learn more about the Lord, reading and studying His Word, while seeking fellowship with His people. That out of worship of our Lord, we want to do these things. Not to earn anything and not to work on being more holy. Listening to uplifting media and music because it encourages our soul and keeps our focus on Him, not because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

I don't want to be one to speak legalism into anyone's life. I am speaking merely the truth of the Gospel. Jesus said that the Holy Spirit does ALL the work in your heart, soul, mind, and body (John 16:13-14). From salvation to sanctification to glorification; it's all supernatural and controlled by a sovereign God. The process of sanctification, where God cleans up all the mess in us and makes us holy, happens over time and is completed the day our physical bodies die.
It doesn't happen quickly. Refining takes time.

I used to think that every year of my walk with the Lord should be different and better from the last, but then God reminded of so many examples of scripture where people had to wait years for a promised child in order to learn patience or be persecuted for years in prison in order to learn faithfulness. The point is, He doesn't stop working in you and He doesn't take a break until you need it. If you're exhausted from God working in your life, that's a good thing (painful but good).

With all this said, this morning we celebrated the beginning of a relationship with the Lord. The beginning of individual conviction and communication with the Lord that was led by the Lord. And we should celebrate when someone is moved by the Holy Spirit to make decisions that honor God. However, now we encourage not just admission of sin, belief in Jesus Christ as Savior, and a commitment to follow Him but also repentance of sin (meaning actually turning from sin when God points it out to you) and following Him daily and not just when it's convenient or easy.
We encourage this just by loving Him (with ALL our heart, soul, and might). Keeping our focus right, as witnesses of what He has done in us.

It's a decision as soon as you open your eyes in the morning and prepare to close your eyes at night, whether it happens when you hit your feet on the floor, have your first sip of coffee, or say good night to your family and have a few quiet moments in bed before sleeping. A reflection on who God has been for me in my life. My precious Savior, thinking about exactly what He saved me from. And then seeking what God has for me to do today or tomorrow before making my plans.
This reflection allows for His mercies to be new every morning. And it helps me to talk about him "when I sit in my house and when I walk by the way and when I lie down and when I rise up", whatever I do that He receives glory (Colossians 3:17).

Even in my failures and my dense moments (and we all have them), God is faithful to remind me of what He has done in me and for me through His Son, Jesus Christ. He is able to right my wrongs and forgive my sins and still love me while giving me perspective, understanding, and opportunity for hope in my everyday situations. In His time, He makes all things perfect while perfecting us (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and it brings glory and honor to Him.
Which is the goal of the heart that receives salvation, a heart renewed and repurposed to love the Savior and follow the Lord, thus being a witness and leading to true salvation of others.

asking for needed help when you don't want to

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I can tell God has something to say to me when it keeps coming up in multiple conversations with different people. Part of me wants to assume it's a conspiracy and somehow all the people in my life have secret meetings to discuss how they want to persuade me...but that part of me is the backwoods Alaskan who's a bit paranoid.

Recently, I was asked if I have a hard time asking for help. 

For some reason, all the loving people who have told me this for years didn't really make a difference in my thinking. But when a friend asked me to analyze myself this way and try to figure out the reason why, it had a different affect.

Do I have a hard time asking for help? And why?

As a mom, I push myself until I'm absolutely at my wits end. Until I discipline my kids so much and so often that I'm exhausted and want to throw each of my children in the snow (of course there's no snow this year, so there's that). Or until I start making pancakes for dinner out of desperation for something easy. They are protein-packed pancakes, of course. That's healthy, right? Sure is.

Being a mom and staying with your kids 24/7 can be the type of job that overwhelms you in a matter of hours. It doesn't take weeks or months for you to start daydreaming your next break. 

There are several reasons I don't ask for help: 

1. I believe I should be able to do it on my own. (out of my own pride)
2. I don't want to burden someone else with my load. (stubbornness in not sharing the load)
3. I'm embarrassed about the issues my family or I struggle with. (fear of judgment)
4. I tend to be more of a private person with my issues. (growing up not relying on others)
5. I don't trust people. (hanging on to past hurts)

Does anyone relate with this?

Sure, stubbornness can be a very good thing when standing for what's right. And doing things on your own can make you stronger. But something's wrong if you think having help or needing help is wrong.

So, here's the humbling message God has shared with me this week. 

People who love you want to bless you. They are thinking about you and praying for you even when you don't ask.

They want to help.

And you need it.

Either ask or take them up on their offer.

As I write this, I have a hard time holding back tears. Humility can be a painful process (stupid pride). I have so many friends and family members I can ask for help. Who offer help when I need it most as I consistently refuse and try to manage on my own (which ultimately has me on my closet floor in a puddle of tears).

Now, I want to encourage everyone out there to be careful with this. You don't want to over-ask or be the "complaining friend" every time you come for a visit. 

It should be a blessing for them not a burden.

People can't take care of your kids every week and make meals and clean your house forever. Bummer, right? 

But during a difficult season, a time when you find yourself struggling more often than not, it is okay to ask for help. The season might be a difficult week, month, or even year. But it is just a season and the people who want to help during this time will be the type of people who will be there at the end of this season anyway.

It is okay to ask someone to help with your budgeting, homeschooling, chores, cooking, shopping, cleaning, or meal planning. It's okay to admit that you can't do it by yourself, that you need help. Even if that means, just having someone come visit you to keep YOU in check.

Wisdom and judgment need to be used when seeking help, but it can be very rewarding for you and your family when you allow yourself to need help from someone else.

The Lord has shown me so much of my pride in the last six months, and I am truly humbled at the love and grace God gives me through others. 

So, my message to you, my sister in stubbornness: I love you. I understand the battle for you. And God loves you and made you. You cannot live life on your own. You've been doing it long enough unsuccessfully. Ask God to reveal those in your life who LOVE you. Ask Him to forgive your pride and help you to be humble. And thank Him for helping you all these years and for providing loving people in your life. Take a deep breath and practice saying these words. "Can you please help me?"

And remember to not only say thank you, but return the love when someone else needs it. 

adopting a child & six tools that help

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Adoption is such an awesome opportunity to take in a child that needs a home and love that child with a life-saving love. However, many people have no idea what the adoption process is like before entering into it. I know I didn't.

Adoption is a big topic with many different types to it. There are open adoptions (where the birth family is involved in the child's life), closed adoption (where the birth family has no contact), adoption at birth (adopting young babies), and adopting children or youth. There are also sub categories of learning, mental, or physical disabilities, and many other types of behavioral issues or past struggles of the child that you can choose. You can adopt within your state, country, or choose international adoption. You also might adopt a relative, a child in foster care, or an orphan (child from an orphanage) whom you may have or haven't met.


Already, it's more complicated than most of you thought. :) I know it was for me.
There are many misconceptions about adoption. Here are some of the false ideas floating around:

• It's an easy process.
• It's better than bringing more children into the world.
• It's easy to adjust with time.
• The child will love you.
• The child will be happy to be adopted. 
• You are saving this child from a terrible life.

There are other false ideas regarding the uniqueness of your family, whether or not you have other children, provide foster care, etc. But we'll stick to these basic ideas listed.

• The truth is adoption is a long, exhausting process and isn't final until the judge rules in your favor and actually signs the documents. 
• Adoption is not better or worse than having your own child rather it is completely different and can be more or less difficult depending on how quickly and easily you can get pregnant. 
• The adjustment period takes years for both parent and child, depending on the age and situation of the child. 
• The child (ages 2-17) might not love you right away but rather fear you (in an unhealthy and unavoidable way) and may go through a honeymoon period before showing their insecurities. 
• The child might not understand that you have given them a new, better life (this might come many years later). They might even miss their life of abuse or neglect and often wish they could return.
• And YOU are not saving this child from a terrible life, rather you are providing them a new life where they can process their past that is still very much a part of them. It should be stated that their healing and salvation can only come from Jesus Christ, which hopefully they will learn and believe in your new, safe, loving environment.

Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful calling, outlined in scripture, as a priority for God's church.  And the reason I write this is NOT to discourage anyone from adopting but rather PREPARE you for what you will feel, think, and experience when you adopt your sweet little one.

This article is mostly written for those of you wanting to adopt a child (ages 2-17), however, many babies who are adopted can grow to experience issues and complications because of their birth family, health during their pregnancy, generational sin, or become confused about their identity.

My daughter was a family member in foster care who had a closed adoption at the age of 8 yo. She was in and out of foster care homes for over six years, including my home. I won't go into specific details about her because it's not my story to tell but rather keep to the basic information from my mama-perspective. It is probably not the same situation as yours, however, these tools are precious pieces of information that I have found to not only work but bless my family. And I hope that in whatever stage of the adoption process, or in whatever unique situation your child is, that you can be encouraged and equipped with what you need in order to get through your day. (my mama-policy is one day at a time and some days one hour at a time)

Six Precious Gems I Learned from Adopting

1. Looking at Your Child as Chosen & Set Apart
I believe that God is in control of all things; that He has planned for and knows all things and that what He has planned is good.
He has planned for and knows my child. And what He has planned for my child is good.
Remembering who God is and how He works when my fears and concerns sneak in helps when my little one continues to disobey and dishonor me as her parent; when we, as parents, are up against the "unknown" of the situation.

With our birth children, we know almost everything they're exposed to. If they have a scratch on their arm, we can usually figure out the when, where, why and how of the injury.
With adopted children, we can know some details but we weren't really there. We have only precious pieces of information about their past. We usually don't know all of the "where they were, who they were with, how, when, or why it happened". And for anyone who's been there, you know that this can be very frustrating as a parent. Out of love, you just wish you knew what your child was up against.

However, resting in the fact that God knows everything and was there with your child, watching and feeling everything with your child, helps you as a parent be able to direct your child through their memories, hurts, and questions. And while teaching them that God was with them, you're leading them back to Him.
He has a plan for your child's hurts. This is so important for your child to know. And for you to remember.
I have had to actually chant this out loud in my bathroom at times. In the mirror. Over and over again.

If God has planned for your child to be in your care, this means He has rescued your child in a way that many children never see or experience. :( He has a plan for you to raise up this child for His glory. You have to hold on to this belief. He doesn't make mistakes and doesn't carelessly make decisions. You have been chosen for this task by the Lord, Almighty. The task of teaching your child about God's love and salvation through His Son. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for His divine plan.

Now, manage your expectations of this. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for something in God's will. However, we don't know what that something is. Just because you believe in God's sovereignty and your child was adopted into your family doesn't mean your child will not struggle with the difficulties of their identity and history. However, it means as an example to your child YOU can rest in the fact that God has been working longer than you have even KNOWN your child and loves your child more than you do. It means you can teach your child about His sovereignty and love in working out all the details for your child to now have a safe and loving home. And you can have faith that God will continue to be sovereign and loving in the future. You can trust Him.

2. Giving Opportunity to Process
The truth is that many times throughout your normal week, your child could be reminded of past hurts any number of times. You usually can't tell what's wrong but you know something is there. You can see it in their face, behavior, or even hear it in words. It's the way they are acting or speaking that tells you something is off.

It's important to not ignore what God might be pointing out to you.

I've even just felt something in my soul (thank You, Holy Spirit) that I needed to go talk with my child. That something was going on that may or may not need to be discussed but definitely needs to be allowed.
The issue is that your child needs to know that you care and that you'll make time for them if they need to talk. Not to be confused with them being in trouble or that they are a burden in your busy schedule.
So many times I would walk into discussions frustrated and emotional because deep down, I don't want my child to have any issues. I don't want them to struggle.
The truth was, my frustration as a parent was coming from what I knew had happened and all the times I wish I could have rescued them. And while it's right to be hurt, frustrated, or sad, we also need to remind ourselves and our child that life is full of struggle and its how we handle the struggle that directs our next few steps in life. And also that God uses that hurt in a glorious way!

I don't want my child to be bitter and unforgiving, so I can't be bitter and unforgiving.
I want my child to be open and honest in the right timing, so I need to be open and honest in the right timing.
I'd love for my child to be thankful and meditate on the good things in their life now, so guess what I need to do?...the list goes on.
And while they may need time and patience from you to process their thoughts and memories, also life needs to keep going. We can't allow our child (or ourselves) to be too distracted by the past. Perhaps have a memory-time out, or a five minute share time ending with a hug or prayer. Whatever you choose to allow as a safe place and time to discuss things, make sure you have an end in sight. Help your child learn how to process who they are, who they were, and who they might become. Talk about their WHOLE story.

In my family, some of our most personal discussions end with fun dreams of the future.

3. Going Back to the Abuse & Calling it Out
For many years, children can show anxiety in a certain situation or maybe they get angry or manipulative. Some of this is normal with childhood, but you know your child's normal amount from the over-the-top amount. This is a situation that you can easily step aside with your kiddo and say, "Hey, I see that you're acting this way. This is what I've noticed...What do you think?" and explain to them that you've seen a pattern and it might be because of _________ from their past. Help them understand why they are acting in a way that even they don't like. Or ask them what they think about it. Maybe they see it too. Just make sure you give them a structured time of talking about it. Let them know ahead of time, you need to only talk for a couple minutes. With the tone of your voice, make them aware that they are not in trouble but you just want to be alone with them for a minute.

I love when our cute little ones share really inappropriate stories in the middle of your Christmas dinner with family and friends. Or when they wait until you're just about to leave and go somewhere and choose THAT moment to want to process their past. Or, my favorite, the very minute they are in trouble for something, using their past stories to try and get out of consequences of wrong choices.
Now, some of this is normal with all children, but some discussions with your sweet adopted child might go in a direction you never anticipated.

It's so important to be the parent. While being available is important, that doesn't mean your child runs the show. If they want to talk to you about something in a moment when you have three minutes left on the timer for dinner, maybe NOW is not the best time.
Simple-fix: ask them if this can wait until later (pick a specific time) and maybe they can go write down what they want to talk to you about. Or draw a picture. (I have almost burned down the house having discussions with my family numerous times, remember to turn the oven OFF) Help them not to forget what they want to say, but let them know that you "making time" for them doesn't mean "all the time" or "anytime".

When the sharing comes, it's important that you call a spade a spade. My approach has always been to be as honest as possible with their understanding and developmental age. If your child knows what truth and lie mean, they will figure out which one comes out of your mouth...be careful.

Again, keep it age-appropriate people.
If your little one isn't sleeping well, don't scare the daylights out of them with stories of police, jail time, and abuse. Especially in the evening time. Remember to use descriptions that they give, (scary, hurtful, mean, etc.) but give reasons why people act the way they do. Maybe their mom and dad made poor choices, didn't have a good family of support, were addicts, were young, went to jail, etc. You don't have to discuss every detail but whatever you tell them, it should be honest. As they grow older, they will want to know more and more truth. This is unavoidable. Tell them pieces and tell them you will share more with them when they are older.

Also, give them a story of hope every time. Remember the Bible; it's illustrations and history are very helpful in giving your child a different visual in the discussion. Most of the bad situations in their past were caused by sin.  Hope is found in the fact that we are ALL sinners and need a Savior. The solution for sin is found in Jesus. He was the only sinless human being and it is okay to talk about others sin in order to learn from it and repent from our own. Help your child learn about God from their past.

And a warning: If you are lying to your child in any way, there is consequence to lying. Trust comes with honesty. If you sometimes tell the truth, they will sometimes trust you. Period. Maybe there can be forgiveness with a lie you've told, but it is my experience that at the end of the day my child knows that everything I've ever said to her is what I really believe and live by. Including I love you.

4. Redeeming What is Lost with What We Have
Sometimes you will see your child struggling and hope appears to be momentarily lost. It feels like you missed out on time with your kiddo. Your relationship doesn't go back to the beginning and you haven't been there for them in the hardest times of their life. Your child has trust issues and struggles to find joy and part of their childhood innocence has been robbed.

However, for all that was lost, there is an answer of hope.

We have the Lord on our side. Remember how He set you and your child apart for His divine purpose? Well, in that, we have Him on our side with His power and Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

The Lord can work mightily in giving your child the right kind of time with you and your family. He can give your child security in Him which helps your little one trust you more. He can give your child joy and innocence in the same way He gives it to you. You may feel and see what is lost but God can make up for all of that.

As you lean on the Lord to find the right way of parenting your child, you'll see Him work in helping you decide the right boundaries for your kiddo. Boundaries in your home, with your family, with others, etc. that enable your child to feel safe and taken care of. You will see how God can restore all the hurt and pain with love and strength. And while your child might have a unique story, God also gives them a feeling of being just like other children.

The last thing your child wants is to be different from everyone else because of their past. Being different in a "brilliant with science" kinda way is fun; being different in an "unable to socialize" kinda way is NOT fun.
Speak life into your children. Use positive words that encourage them. Compare them to others and yourself in their struggle and help them to feel like "part of the family"; like their issues are nothing new, because let's be honest, they're not.

The Bible says we are all adopted as God's children. We all have a past. We can relate with our kiddos. If your sweet little one is struggling, tell them to join the club! :)

Whatever you or your kiddo are struggling with, you have everything you need to help them! You have the Lord, His Spirit, His Son, and His Word. You have compassion, patience, love, and hope because of how God has adopted you. Whatever was lost, can be found again in the gospel.

5. Choosing Your Support Wisely 
Alright, we all need someone to talk, pray, cry, laugh, and relax with. Be careful to do this with the RIGHT person. Talking about your journey in motherhood is completely fine, even the deep, dark stuff that scares you. However, remember there are consequences to talking too much and to the wrong people.

Choose a Godly girlfriend who loves you and your child. It might be that your spouse is great support at times, but also he might be struggling just as much as you. There are times to share in your journey together in your marriage. There are also times to reach out for a different perspective that is not as intimately connected to the situation as you are.

Talk about your family to someone who can be trusted with the information. Someone who wants the best for you and your family. Someone who loves Jesus and will give you love and truth without judgment.

You might find it difficult to find a sitter if you do nothing but bash your children to every friend or family member you have. The goal is to find one or two special friends you can go to for the moments you are weak or lost and be strengthened in wisdom and truth. These relationships can help see you through a difficult season but require a sincere heart from you that wants answers. Not just a whiny heart that wants sympathy. (no judgment here, we all have out pity party moments)

Parenting is not easy in any situation. Adding variables like adoption, foster care, abuse, etc. do not help. However, there are people who have gone before you. There are even stories of adoption in scripture. You probably won't find someone in your exact situation but you can pray for someone who has the same heart for your situation as you do.

God will provide the support you need. Remember there will be times when He purposefully makes everyone unavailable because He wants to be your go-to. Examine your situation and go to the Lord first. He will give you comfort, peace, truth, and love without judgment in a way no one else can.

6. Having Faith & Waiting on Him
Finally, my favorite, the lesson that God taught me most recently--have faith and wait for Him. I never thought of motherhood as a journey of strengthening my faith until the last couple of years. It finally dawned on me (thank You, Holy Spirit), maybe the whole point of being a mother is to sanctify me?! Duh.
We all have seen God work over time and know examples of something that once frustrated us and later turned into a blessing that God was planning.

A seed of His sovereignty, as I like to call it. :)

He shows us these unfolded truths and blessings so we can trust Him and wait upon Him for His goodness.

When our child is defying our authority and testing our patience, or showing a behavior that could turn into a dangerous habit, we have a moment of panic (just being honest). But turn your panic into prayer and all of the sudden God shows you more of His mercy and grace than you have ever experienced. He can give your heart assurance and peace if you look back to Him and how He works. Taking your eyes off of your child and putting them back on the Lord.

Some of the things your child might struggle with are completely new to you. But God is sovereign. And He has seen it all. Maybe He will give you another adult who can minister to your child, maybe He will give you words of wisdom beyond your experience. Whatever He does, He will take care of your child. Looking to Him is the only thing you can do to give yourself rest and peace as a mother. 

Trust in His plan. The situation might frustrate our flesh, but learn to relax in His goodness and love.

And in the meantime, as we still have to live with and take care of our little ones, learn that having faith means lightening up.
Trusting in the Lord is not easy or natural. But the Spirit of God can help us to really trust Him and enjoy the parts of motherhood that used to be consumed with worry and frustration.

Complete this day out of love for the Lord. Out of a grateful heart for what He has done in you and your life, live in worship of Him. Praise Him for protecting, rescuing, and providing for your child so that they could be a part of your family. Praise Him for always being available to you as a mama, and for knowing the ins and outs of your precious child. Just this day, worship Him. Take on tomorrow when you wake up tomorrow. Today, just believe that He is doing something profound and amazing and go enjoy your life.

Waiting for the Lord shouldn't be stressful. If we believe He will work, and trust in His plan, then we should go out and enjoy our family while remembering that He's got this figured out.

Go have fun with your family, living life and sharing in honesty. There will be times of sadness, but it's nice that we can be sad together. We can be mad and imperfect together and let God be amazing through our hurts.

You and your child are perfectly positioned in this life by God. You are not a mistake and neither is your family. God didn't mess up. Wait and see.

to those of you struggling to find yourselves

(Source)

Colossians 3:1-3

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Through different seasons of life we can tend to be so busy we lose ourselves. We're so dedicated in serving our Lord, church, family, and community that we don't stop to take time for perspective. I've seen and heard that many woman after years of doing this end up really struggling to remember who they are or who they were before they got SO busy. It makes me ask, taking away the duties you have for being the woman involved in ministry, the wife your husband needs and the mother your young children need, what do you have left that's just yours & the Lord's? What do you do to maintain YOU and who YOU are in Christ?

Laying aside all of the busyness, who are you?

Many women serve the Lord through work, taking care of their families, serving the church, etc. but there's much more to being a woman of God than just being busy, getting married and having children. And what I've seen (and experienced) is that women who get so busy serving, who don't make alone time for their relationship with the Lord, start to struggle with finding their identity. Finding their life. They're almost too focused on their works.

All of the sudden, your life doesn't make you feel alive. And after some time of struggling with this, in come the emotional and mental issues. And in comes the world with all kinds of false ideas on how you can "find yourself".

There may be several of you struggling with anxiety, depression, anger, or maybe even crankiness about this very issue. And maybe some of you don’t struggle with these dark emotions, but you know what it means to be in a dark season of life. A season that seems far too long. A season where you seem stuck.

If you’re reading this, you either have a relationship where Jesus is your Lord and Savior or you’re reading because He wants to have one with you. We don’t believe in coincidences so we know that God is constantly at work in planning all the details of our life. He's planned for you to be reading this because He has something He wants to say to you.

And the Lord doesn’t just want a relationship with us. He wants a GREAT relationship with us. Filled with understanding, hope, grace, forgiveness and love (read those one more time slowly). Now some of you may know Him, but do you love Him? Do you have a great relationship with the Lord? Is He your friend? Is He your family? Is He your counselor, your comfort?

Some of you might have been raised up with Christ and some of you are being raised up right now. Either way, the struggle of remembering yourself and who you are is real. And these verses give all the answers we need in order to find our true life, a life with passion and purpose.

Seeking the Lord

We’re going to talk more about this scripture in Colossians in a minute but I want you to think about the last time you spent time with the Lord. Maybe it was this morning, last night, sometime this week, maybe it’s been a few weeks or maybe it’s been so long that you honestly can’t remember. 

There’s a precious thing that happens when we spend real time with Him. I mean the raw, honest, stripped down time with the Lord.

I don’t mean the "check-in”. Those of you who have teenagers know what this is, when your phone rings right at curfew allowing your child to say I’m what? Just calling to check-in.

This is a quick conversation with the important information. Bullet points almost, but not a deep connection and it’s almost as if your child has a timer and is trying to get off the phone with you as quickly as possible. 

This is when we check-in with God. We wait to talk to Him until we absolutely can’t put it off any longer. We don’t talk about what’s really going on. We just go over the bullet points and check it off our to-do list so we don’t get grounded.

And then there’s the "Hi-bye” conversation. Which in prayer-lingo is “Please-Amen”. Please help me with this, in Jesus name Amen. This is very elementary and doesn’t really reflect either person in the conversation. Who you are or who God is. You pray routinely but it’s so routine that you have forgotten how precious it is.

And lastly, my favorite, there’s the “Head-nod”, where you kind of acknowledge someone but don’t really care enough to stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. You’re busy, you’re distracted, but you make time for the Lord every Sunday and when it’s convenient in your busy life.

...I know, ouch...

Your relationship with the Lord is as deep as you want it to be. If you want to speak with Him, He’s waiting. If you say you want to know Him more, the only real excuse you have for not knowing Him is laziness.

And it’s not about how many times you talk to the Lord or how much time you spend reading the Bible, or even if you only listen to Christian music. Having a close and intimate relationship with the Lord only happens if you’re open and honest with Him. If you surrender each day to Him and His will. And that is not easy. Especially in those seasons where we are struggling.

However, when we struggle with depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed, or we just don't know what to do with ourselves, He knows what we’re going through. He knows the desire of our hearts. The desire for peace, joy, health, love, and unity. He knows how much we care and He cares more. So, the first way to refocus our minds and hearts when needed, is to go spend time seeking the things above where our Lord is who knows our minds and hearts much better than we do.

Some of you might hesitate to be open and honest with God because you might be angry with Him. Confused by what’s happening in your life. A little lost as to what God is doing. But honesty helps you approach Him with your cares. And communicating with Him gives you comfort and strength in ways you can’t imagine. 

Whatever struggle or season of difficulty you might be in or come to, spending time with the Lord will give your soul peace. And your soul guides your heart, mind, and emotions; it guides everything.

Don't think you're alone in your negative emotions. Abraham, Moses, David, and even Jesus grieved about different aspects of their seasons. They didn't faithfully carry out God's calling like emotionless robots. There were many times Moses was frustrated and spoke with God boldly. Abraham surely didn't skip up the mountain while singing to sacrifice his son Isaac. And even Jesus wept, cried out to God, and got so angry he threw some tables around about the sin of man.
Emotions are designed to set us apart in creation. When harnessed, they help us understand the Lord better. He grieves with us. He gets angry, frustrated, and sad.
Now, I'm not saying that your emotions should stand in the way of you doing what's right. And I'm also not justifying you throwing the table across the room when your children don't use their manners for the millionth time.
But with your strong emotions, walk in His path. This life is difficult, God knows. He expects us to have emotion and He knows our deepest desires, however grief is not an excuse to disobey.
This is why we have these illustrations in scripture, to help us understand how God works and how we can obey even when our heart might be torn. Our obedience is out of faith in His plan and love for Him.

Whether it’s in prayer, listening to worship music, sipping your coffee and meditating on His Word, or just being quiet and waiting on Him, what happens when we spend real time with Him is surrendering. We surrender our moment. Our thoughts. Our words. We surrender our difficulties. We surrender our life. This is what scripture tells us He wants from us and the precious blessing of spending this time with Him is that we walk away refreshed, having peace in our souls and hope for our lives. 

Setting Our Mind

Another way to refocus during a season of difficulty, where you might be a little lost, is to distract yourself in a healthy way. With my kids, whenever they get hurt, the more we talk about it the more it hurts. So, what do we moms do? We distract! Sometimes it’s with a compliment for our big, strong toddler who’s bleeding from their limb. Or sometimes it’s a hug or kiss and then a change in conversation. 

We do this to ourselves as well. A problem gets bigger and bigger the more we focus on it and talk about it. Now, some issues we struggle with in life NEED to be talked about BEFORE we move on. It is a healthy part of grief to process what’s happening, however, sometimes we can make more of an issue than what’s actually there. We can do this as parents, when we worry about our child after they fail one exam and we think they just threw away their future. Or we can do this as wives when we won’t let an issue go (an issue that really should be let go) and just keep bringing it up over and over again. 

The truth is, healthy distraction can be a tremendous blessing. Some of you might be passionate about health or the human body, preparing or cooking food, sewing or crafts, music or art, business or finances, sports or the outdoors, etc. It’s important to have something in your life that is yours. Something about you that brings you to life. Now some of you might be thinking, wow! Do I even have a passion? What IS my passion? YES, you do.

You were uniquely designed for A PURPOSE, LADIES! You can add something to this world that no one else can. AND God gave you your unique abilities to add to His Kingdom. Setting our minds on things above, not on things on the earth means we have a choice. Our passion can be used for His kingdom or for our own earthly goals.

Now, what I mean by that is this: I like to describe myself as having a “passionate personality", which really just means I’m loud and opinionated. However, I have learned that God made me this way because He has something to teach through me. He has something to share through my being loud. And that if I'm not humble and prayerful, I can create my own happy, little disaster. And by happy, I mean awful. And by little, I mean catastrophic. 

I used to talk negatively about my “passionate” self, saying how it used to get me into trouble... because IT DID. It hurt a lot of relationships and eventually I learned to HIDE my true self. No, no, no. I was going about it the wrong way. What I needed to do was dedicate who I am, passions and all, to His purpose and goals and not my own. 

He gives so many opportunities for you to use your passions for His glory. You just have to dedicate them to Him and ask for an opportunity.

A passion is something you think about, work hard for, and make time to do because it's important to you. Some of you might be thinking of a few passions you have and some of you might be searching. It might be connected to your job or might be completely separate. You will often find yourself doing it when you are stressed or have some down time. An idea of how to find your passion is to ask yourself what do I get excited about? What do I think about a lot? What do I talk about most often? What brings out my emotions? 

I got involved in music ministry because of how it moved me. I started writing and journaling when I was young because I had so many thoughts about life and how to live. Respond to your soul and find your passion. If you like to cook, cook a meal for your neighbor and surprise them! If you love to sew, bless someone with a project of love. If you enjoy sports, get involved in your community athletic team! These are all opportunities to meet people, share the love of Christ, and enjoy yourself! This is for you.

And just a quick note, every woman is passionate about her husband and/or children (or at least she should be), but these are your ministries ordained by God. Your passions are your choice and can change with different seasons of your life. My point is that your passions in your life should not be other people, they should be about other people but for you. They are parts of your identity that you choose. God might lead you in a direction, but He doesn't always tell you how to travel.

Whatever you end up choosing or are already involved in, remember that we have a divine duty of sharing the truth about Jesus Christ. Our passions are part of our identity but ultimately should point to Christ. Our passions should be about serving God and serving others. Whatever unique gifts God has given you can be used for His Kingdom. And should be.

Finding Our Life

For you have died, and your life is hidden in Christ. The more you’re in the Word spending time with Him and focusing your thoughts on Him the more you find yourself. And on the flip side of that, the more you focus on yourself and earthly things, the more you’re focused on temporary things that all pass away. They all die.

Now, I want you to think about this for a minute.

The world will tell us that a full, awesome, amazing life is driven by feelings. You can do whatever you want or need to in order to be happy. That our struggle is an excuse to behave in whatever way we feel. And all our stress’ can be covered with food, drinking, television, travel, or girlfriends. 

But the Bible says, the more we look to Him, the more we take our struggle and turn it back into prayer, resting in Him and His plan, focusing on His qualities and who He is, and putting our effort and energy into His Kingdom that’s when we find our true life. We find ourselves. 

I want to tell you ladies, this is God investing in you. You’re here and He’s here. Our life is not found in our feelings. It is not found in a diagnosis or in seeking happiness. Our real, true, passion-filled life is found in Christ. It’s hidden there, and the only way to find it is to seek Him. 

Now, I have looked to earthly things and I have been lazy in my relationship with the Lord...I know, shocker. The solution to this is repentance and grace. I needed to repent of my sin in having the wrong focus and not making time for my Lord. 

And then after repenting, I needed to receive the grace He had for me. To forgive myself and let that bad behavior or habit go. To recognize that I have a new life, a real life. And then focus my life on worshipping Him.

Questions for Reflection:

Seeking Him

How do you spend time with the Lord? Is there anything in your life holding you back from having a close relationship with the Lord?

Setting Our Minds

What are you most passionate about? How can you use your passion for serving the Lord and serving others?

Finding Our Life

Do you look to Him when feeling lost, confused, or overwhelmed or do you seek earthly things? Do you really know and love the Lord or is your sin holding you back from loving Him?

look at the birds & flowers

(Source)

This morning, looking out the window, I was reminded of the dreariness of anxiety by the rainy morning we've had. Looking out, everything is heavy and wet. Cold and still. Quiet.

And then a little bird landed by my window. Gathering up it's breakfast with no regard for me or my house. Just working away, hopping here and there, gathering the food that's been provided.

We've all experienced anxiety on some level. It might not be a deep struggle for you, anxiety or worry can grip you even in small ways. Whatever you worry about; your husband, marriage, children, parents, siblings, work, bills, house, car, homework, or even your garden. We all have areas in life that test our faith.
Anxiety and worry happen when we have little faith (if any at all) in whatever area is weighing us down.

Ouch.

Now, everyone has concern or the desire to be responsible or problem solve. But that is not what I mean. You should think about your family, bills, work, etc. However, when the concern becomes questioning or doubting that the outcome will be okay, when your concern turns to worry...it becomes sin because God wants us to have faith and not worry.

Instead of "being concerned" you should be praying. That concern or thought is a seed planted by the Lord urging and reminding you to pray.
When you don't pray, your concerns take over your thought life and worry takes over your soul.

I always think of this scripture when I see birds and flowers. And it really helps calm my soul of whatever worry I might be struggling with at the moment.
We are commanded to look and observe not worry and question. We are commanded to seek His kingdom and righteousness above our life.
Don't be worried about your life. Seek Him.

The Cure for Anxiety

25 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.