the unrealistic expectation of enjoying parenthood all the time

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(A few months back, I was honored with speaking at my friend's baby shower and was encouraged to post this for all young mothers. I added a little more but hope it helps those who need it!)

Whoever said motherhood is a privilege lied. It was a half-truth, really, which anyone should tell you is actually a lie. Motherhood is not just a privilege but a job. I don't believe it needs to be one or the other. For many of the first months of motherhood, I felt so much guilt for not enjoying my baby the way I thought I was going to.

I mean, let's be honest. Nobody likes tired, fussy babies! We all feel bad for them and want them to get well because we don't want our child to suffer AND because when they do suffer, it means more work for us. It is so much better when your child is well, happy, fed, rested, and smiling. Sign me up for that part of motherhood any day!
I enjoy taking care of my child, and sure I have compassion for them. But tired babies who only want to be held by you...who just scream and scream... in your face...you'd have to be insane to enjoy that! Something might be wrong, maybe they're hungry (right after you fed them) or maybe they peed a tiny bit and want the neighbors to know. But I'm just going to be honest...I do not enjoy doing this part of parenting. We do it, sure, because it's our job and our privilege. But there are some aspects of all jobs and privileges that are not as enjoyable as others. And there are some job duties that you really don't enjoy, and that is totally okay.

In any job, no one likes long hours and working for those who don't appreciate us. We are not called to find joy in the long hours, we are called to communicate with our boss (God) and maybe share the workload (husband, family, friends, etc.). We are called to prioritize and discipline our schedules to make time for what needs to be done (chores, blah, blah, blah). We are also called to reevaluate when something about our job/privilege is not working and needs to change (ask others what they do, try different methods in your routine, research and read up on the subject, etc.). And the awesome part of the job of motherhood is that we can eventually teach our children to appreciate us and others who work hard for them! (I think sometimes my husband wishes he could do this with those he works with.)

We all have had different journeys into motherhood. Some find themselves thrown into motherhood very quickly; others pray and wait for years for their precious little one. However, regardless of your journey, you do not need to feel bad about struggling as a parent. Parenting is hard, no matter the parent and no matter the child.

Most men and women love to cuddle with their sweet little child. Cuddles, giggles, and that smile in the middle of the night are all precious memories to be cherished. When you teach your child something and watch them practice and apply the lesson. When your child thanks you for doing a good job, even if you spent half the day disciplining them. When your spouse appreciates your hard work and trusts you with raising your children. When your friends can have their children come over and both sets of kids are good influences on each other. These are all moments that make your heart warm and fuzzy as a parent.

There are some aspects of parenting, however, I have learned that are not as easy to enjoy. The times we are being tested. The times we struggle as parents, believe lies about ourselves, and feel guilt and shame about who we are in trials and how weak we become.

Story time: My daughter was convinced at the wise age of 10 years old that she would be better off on her own. She wanted to be an adult. Now, of course, this was an "adult" according to her definition, but nonetheless she wanted f r e e d o m.

Freedom from parents, rules, bed times, suggestions, homework, school, personal hygiene, etc. However, when she came to me (no judgment, please), I supported her in her desires. I sat down and talked with her about what this would really look like. I explained that it was my job to make sure she was safe and if I didn't do that then I wasn't obeying God. BUT if she really wanted to move out and get a job, I would entertain the idea for a little bit.

We talked for almost a half-hour about jobs she could apply for with her knowledge and experience gained in her ten years of life, we talked about the lifestyle she would afford based on that kind of income, and we talked about her dreams and future based on moving out and starting her life without the support of parents.
I'd love to tell you that she learned her lesson and immediately hugged and thanked me for all my hard work as her mother...sigh... but she didn't. She's a little stubborn. She eventually stopped discussing the idea with me. I encouraged her to journal.

To this day, I still wrestle with the discontentment in my daughter's heart. Her desire to be the boss and make the rules. The absolute dislike of discipline, school work, and other parenting guidelines in place for her safety. (The maturity will come, I know) But in the meantime, while my children are immature and a little lost in their sin, it is easy to become discouraged and overwhelmed with parenting and feel like giving up! Being completely honest, much like in my marriage, with my children I don't feel love all the time but have to choose love.

But the questions that run through my mind are what get me. What am I doing wrong? Why is my child STILL struggling with this behavior? Why do I not like my child right now? How could I feel this way? And many others that eventually lead me to the killer conclusion: I am a terrible mother. 

It's okay, keep reading. For those of you struggling right now, swallow it down... wipe your face... and keep reading.

When I'm tired from only getting four chopped-up hours of sleep, angry about my child's sin that hurt me, sad because I have to discipline them again in a way that I really don't want to, it is not easy to feel love for them. That is normal!
Sin hurts. Selfishness hurts. And while I teach this to them, and try to be a true example of God's love, I realized pretty quickly in motherhood that the feeling of love doesn't last.

Godly love knows the good and the bad and is committed just the same. His love for us is compassion for us in our weaknesses, graciousness when we offend and hurt Him, faithfulness when we feel like being our own boss or running away, and admiration when we're really struggling to be admirable. 
Human love, however, is based on the moment. It is conditional. It shouldn't be hard work, it should "come easy" and "quickly" and last "forever". Human love is the sum of your feelings. 
As mothers, we will not always feel happy, warm, or loving toward our child. There will be other feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, and disappointment.

I would love to say something to inspire you and to make you excited about motherhood. But the reality is that motherhood is a ministry. You will pour your life into your children because it is what God calls you to do.


Much like any other ministry, you will serve and serve and serve some more and you will do this because it is your calling. There will be good days and bad. There will be days that are hard and then there will be days that are harder, and then there will be one day that is less hard. But you will keep serving your child and family because you know God has given you this task and is ultimately going to bless you for obeying Him.

We, as mothers, are not guaranteed about the fruit our actions will bear. The warning of consequence, raised eyebrows, repeated commands... repeated commands... repeated commands, they all help to train your child in the way they ought to go…but ultimately only God knows the journey your little one will travel. 

You, at times, will feel overwhelmed. Unappreciated or maybe unnoticed. You will feel judged. You will be disappointed in yourself. 

And you will be your own worst critic.

You will have unattainable goals and unrealistic dreams for what kind of mother you will be.

I know, I know. You’re all thinking “Man, this is a bit harsh...” “Maybe this is the wrong season for Cheryl to be sharing about this…”

BUT this is the most important part…the bar you set for yourself, you won’t be able to reach…and that is all part of God’s design. 

God designed ministry to reflect the need men and women have for a Savior, and for the ever-present, living God to be an ongoing part of that ministry. Parenthood, like other ministries, is about selflessness. We cannot be naturally selfless. 

This adventure of parenting will refine you and stretch you in ways God sees that you need to be changed. The only way for you to be the mother you’ve always dreamt you would be, is if you make the Lord your focus. 

You’ve already began experiencing the crazy, bizarre questions and preferences of parenting that you never knew were so important. Such as, bottle or breast, cloth or disposable diapers, vaccines or no vaccines, pacifiers or thumb, stroller or carrier, hospital or home birth, belly or back, and then there’s feeding schedules, sleeping schedules….who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? 

But something I learned very quickly…is take a deep breath. 

Go ahead. Take a deep breath. 

(whispers) Because none of this stuff really matters. 

You can think ahead and plan and plan and plan (and you should think and plan)…but only God knows the journey He has for you and only HE will be able to guide you through it. You make informed decisions and really, experiment on your child, you and your husband use your wisdom and choose your preferences and then you pray and pray and pray for your family.

This is parenthood. Making decisions, experimenting, and praying. We like to think we have it all figured out, that we know the answers. But this is what I know…I know that no matter how hard I try, I will not be the perfect mother. I will have to apologize to my children. And not just apologize but repent. 

I will be humbled over and over again…and so will you. But God will use your baby to fashion and refine you into His beautiful design. He will direct you in the way you need to parent, love, and discipline your child. And He is in control of the outcome.

Some promises in scripture about discipline that I need to remind myself sometimes include…

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 29:17

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Motherhood is a job AND motherhood is a privilege. There is no reason to mislead yourself down the happy road of optimistic (and unrealistic) expectations...it won't get better with time. Parenthood is difficult in every season but rather than worry or become discouraged, you can should pray. God wants you to draw closer to Him, maybe that's why He put you in a ministry that overwhelms you...

You need your God. And He wants you.

Do what you need to in order to remind yourself that you have a God that loves you! He wants you to succeed and gave you the Holy Spirit in order to see you succeed. Put up verses, turn on encouraging music, whatever you need, remember—you have the Holy Spirit. 

Therefore, through the Spirit of God, you have love when you’re hurt, you have joy when you’re sad, you have peace about the future, patience for the sleepless nights, kindness for the controversial conversations, goodness for the moments you really feel like being selfish, faithfulness when you don’t feel like being a Christian, gentleness when you get a little fiery, and self control when the fire e x p l o d e s. 

You can have Godly love for your child all the time, just seek Him and He will help. God chose you to be this child's mother. Say that, the Almighty God who fashioned the heavens, chose me to raise this child. It's not a mistake. It's not an oversight.

Trust Him.

10 things I wish I woulda known about being a wife

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So, I wrote this devotional for a young friend of mine who is getting married this summer. It is more of an inspirational reflection than devotional, but mostly it is just the way I love people. With words.

This post is completely and 100% something I really wish I would have known before getting married, and something I have to remember regularly in my marriage. My wish is that you would not just read it but really think about and apply it to your life. Of course, no one can be prepared for what God has planned but when you are in that moment, the moment you realize your husband isn’t who you thought he was. Or the even worse moment, when you realize you’re not the wife you thought you’d be. Or the worst moment of all, when your marriage goes through something that you really didn’t want and don’t like. That’s when God is at work. And that’s when these ten things I wish I woulda known are a good reminder to us all.

In the beginning of your relationship, everyone thinks their marriage is going to be amazing! Because it is. Duh. It is going to be the biggest blessing of your life! Your husband will balance you in the ways you need, maybe not the ways you want, but he’ll be what you need. He was designed for you, by the Almighty Creator. That is no joke. And while we all have high hopes, dreams, and plans for our marriage to be successful and loving and awesome…we also know that marriage is hard work. 

Lots of marriages can work and even last, but a happy, successful marriage happens when marriage is carried out God’s way. I haven’t been married long, eight years in July (applause), but I can tell you I have learned more about God and His love through my marriage than any other relationship in my life. I can tell you with certainty, if you dedicate your marriage to the Lord, He will bless you. But He will also teach you some very uncomfortable things about yourself. 

And these ten things, ten lessons that I have learned about what I wish I would have known are blessings for you if you’ll take them. And they might help you avoid some of that discomfort in your own marriage. Or at the very least help you through it.

#1. Your words are eternal. You might be thinking that your husband knows exactly how you feel about him. He knows the truth, even if you get into a little disagreement, or maybe a big one. And you say something, under your breath or maybe you make a comment about him in front of others and of course, we all say things we don’t mean. We apologize and we forgive…but do we forget? Before you speak, think. I said many things in the early years of my marriage that I didn’t know would carry as long as they did. 

Words will bear fruit if they are encouraging and loving but harsh words, especially if they’re true but maybe not necessary, will have consequences in future years and last much longer than you ever wanted. This is a warning, be careful what you say. Your words are very important to your mate. He cares most about what you think and feel about him. They will shape how he thinks about himself, you, your marriage, and sometimes other people. Your words have bigger consequences when someone is listening to you, and your husband is listening.

#2. He needs to hear you say yes and no. Sometimes your hubby will ask you for your opinion, and you should absolutely give it to him! You are his soulmate. It is God’s plan that brought the two of you together. BUT give your opinion in the right time, in the right way, and with the right heart. There will be times when you agree and disagree about how to move forward, handle a conflict, or even in making daily decisions-- he needs feedback from you. "Yes, I love it! No, I’m sorry, I don’t think we should buy a boat. I don’t really feel like camping in the rain, again. Absolutely, I think that’s a great idea!” Remember you are his helper. He needs your wisdom at times to make decisions, even if it’s just encouragement in the right way or a soft warning about the wrong. Don’t be silent. And don’t be a “I told you so” wife. Be a helper. Be wise. And be loving.

#3. The two of you are different. This was news to me. When I was getting married, I thought Adam and I were totally on the same page about pretty much everything. Now, granted we were on the same page about the big stuff and that’s all that matters…right? Well, when you’re married, for some reason all those little differences start to add up. And at times, it can feel a little suffocating. Most of us have heard about this, but there are a few differences between male and female. Other than the physical, there are big differences emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. What you like, what irritates you, how you handle pain, how you handle conflict, what you do when you’re frustrated, how you handle disappointment, even how you worship the Lord. These are all situations that you will encounter in your life together, and you may or may not be on the same page.

Story time: Adam and I love to road trip. We have been on so many road trips, I wouldn’t even be able to count them. I remember on our most recent road trip there was a moment that was quiet. The kids were getting over their sugar-high and starting to fall asleep. The music was pretty low and I was daydreaming about my marriage. I was thinking about how sovereign God is and how great it is that I married a man that totally gets me. He balances me. It’s awesome! And then, Adam asked me five little precious words, “What are you thinking about?” And I thought, (sigh) the love of my life. He wants to have a conversation with me....Now, I’m a words person. I love to hear what people are thinking. And I love long conversations that are meaningful. So here I am, married to a man that gets me and WANTS to talk to me. So I answer. “Marriage.” (BIG SMILE) and then there’s a pause. Because we’re just so on the same page, I can feel it.... We’re going to have this awesome moment of connection. And as I sit in my awesome moment with my husband, I then ask, “What are you thinking about?” And he answers, without hesitation….”Sunflower seeds.” Yes, my husband, even after being prompted by my topic choice of marriage, chose to tell me that he was thinking deeply about sunflower seeds. And I’ll tell you…it was actually pretty perfect. It really just made me bust out laughing. And that was it. That WAS the conversation. Talk about balance. Here I was 100 feet deep in romantic seriousness, and Adam was thinking about the complexities of life’s most trivial snack, sunflower seeds.

As you and your husband figure each other out over the years, keep in mind that you will have similarities and differences. You will have things in common and you will have differences in your preferences. And this is part of God’s design. Don’t mess with it. It’s on purpose. Don’t try and make him like you. And don’t try and be like him. Don’t expect that he’s going to do, think, or feel something the same way you do. Sure, at times you’ll balance each other out and sometimes you might rub off on each other, but you gotta stay true to who you are if you want to be the wife God wants you to be.

#4. He cannot read your mind. This took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out. And in fact, I still might be guilty of this every now and then. We humans want intimacy, and we want to feel understood. But despite what he might tell you or lead you to believe, your husband is not a superhero, he’s not a magician, he doesn’t have special mind-reading powers, he is not God. He doesn’t know your thoughts. And he doesn’t know the desires of your heart, unless you share them with him. If you feel like chinese food or if you want him to buy you a card, be specific about what you want. Let him learn who you really are, not who you want to be. 

There is a balance to this, sometimes we should keep our thoughts to ourselves. Sometimes our thoughts are not very loving…okay they’re not loving at all. There will be a sense of comfort in your marriage, and it is supposed to be there. You’re supposed to grow familiar with each other. But with the familiar, there is a big difference from a dating relationship where there are a lot of unknowns to a marriage relationship where you share a bedroom, a home, the sink, the couch, everything. This change in your relationship means a little less mystery.  This doesn’t mean that you wear sweatpants every day and don’t put on lip gloss for your man just because he’s gonna kiss it off. You still have to put effort into your relationship, and he will still have to put effort into figuring you out. But again, he can’t read your thoughts. If you want something, or really need something from him, tell him. With kind words. Again, in the right time, in the right way, and with the right heart.

#5. He is not going to complete you. No matter how loving he is and how perfect and wonderful, and all the other things you think about your husband, he will never be enough for you. You are supposed to have a longing for your husband. Take care of this. Go on regular dates, and make time for intimacy, spend time walking together and talking about your thoughts. But remember your Savior. If you want to feel understood or have deep connection, you have it right in front of you. All the time. You have Jesus. 

The only way you will be able to love your spouse in a selfless, baby I love you even though you never put your dirty clothes in the hamper kinda love, is gonna be with the help of Jesus. You will need the love of God to have love for your man. And even with all the love your hubby could give, you’ll still have a deeper longing. Many women complain about not having a connection to their husband, and I think really they’re going to the wrong man. I’ve known many women who were married to unbelieving men and still able to have deep intimacy with their Savior and have a working marriage. Now, hopefully your hubby is walking with the Lord, and everyone wants more than a working marriage. So remember your husband, remember the needs of your marriage, and remember that you will always need and always have your God.

#6. He’s going to need your attention more than you think. I was under the impression that getting married to a Godly, Christian, handsome, awesome guy would mean that he wouldn’t be tempted to look in the other direction. I thought that by the time we got married, he would have dealt with this temptation or would think I was so awesome that temptation would just *poof* evaporate. (shrug) I also thought that I would never be tempted. ---It’s not true. Don’t deceive yourself. Temptation has nothing to do with who you are and what you do. We are promised to have temptation in life and this is not sin. But in marriage, one of the awesome things we GET to do is help prepare each other for the temptations of the world. 

If you’re not making time for your husband in the bedroom, you’re not preparing him for what’s waiting for him outside of your home. And likewise, if you’re not sharing yourself with your husband, your whole self, you’re much more likely to find yourself running to romantic novels, movies, or even emotional affairs that turn into more. This is the real world. And the world doesn’t care about your marriage or purity. Satan wants to drive a wedge between you and your husband. We all know that a lot of marital conflict comes from fighting about sex and money. So share your money, and share your bodies, and all will be well. :) It’s your job to protect him. And if you don’t then neither one of you will be safe.

#7. Loving your husband will become a choice, and at times will not be a feeling.  So, you know that incredible falling-in-love experience. Where you just feel so great to be around the person and everything they say and do you just think is the absolute best? They really DO NO wrong. And even the little things that might be road bumps on your happy love journey, they just work out! Well, it won’t always feel like this. Actually, it won’t ever feel like this unless you choose to feel like this. 

Loving your man in the beginning was kind of easy and at times happens more easily. When he makes the right choice, leads you in the right direction, when he makes you laugh, or whispers how much he loves and appreciates you, or even when he tells you you’re beautiful ALL the time (even when you know you could look better). Loving him used to just happen. And whatever he said and did, you always gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought about what a great guy you got! 

But after marriage begins, for some reason, this is not our first reaction as wives. We typically have a harder time giving the benefit of the doubt. Always reading into things and being upset about something that they may or may not have actually done. Your feelings as a wife, somewhere in the early years go from “absolutely in love” to “absolutely... crazy”. I don’t know why, maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s that we’re more vulnerable. But I have heard from many wives that their husbands say wonderful things to them but the wife kinda dismisses it because they feel he has to say that. That’s not how we felt before marriage, but like I said, we get a little crazy. 

Remember to not be driven by your feelings. Feelings are important, and God created them to set us apart in creation in order to properly live for and worship Him, however, the feeling of love flutters in and out of your life. Don’t let this feeling carry you in and out of your marriage. It will. You will always have a choice to love your hubby or dismiss your marriage; choose to love your husband despite your feelings. Choose to honor him and respect him because God made him your husband. 

No matter the decisions he makes, or the words he does or doesn’t say, whether or not the two of you are getting along, you can still choose to love him. And a little hint, your heart will always follow your thoughts and words. If you think about the good things and speak about the good things, you’ll feel good things toward your husband. :)

#8. You will have to choose to be content. Have you noticed how when we become adults, somehow our lives turn into a big to-do list? And the only thing you can think about is the next thing on the list? Graduate high school, apply to college or get a job, pay the bills, find a man, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have some kids, on and on and on. Before you know it, you start blaming your discontentment on the fact that you’re on number three on your list instead of number five. Or once you complete something, you don’t even take time to enjoy, just on to the next. 

When Adam and I got engaged, there was a lot of drama going on. Drama with friends, family, the church, and for some reason I just decided to become this Hurry-up Harriet about everything. I was in a hurry to do my hair, hurry to go to the store, I was in a hurry to go to bed, I was in a hurry really to get married! Well, once I was married, I didn’t take time to enjoy my marriage. I just hurried along and then I began to rush rush rush Adam everywhere. 

It was so stressful, not to mention I never took time to just be content in the NOW. I know this sounds like a self-help message, be in the NOW, but God has different seasons in life for a reason, to make us strong, wise, and awesome women for Him and His glory. Every time we hurry along, we hurry right through our life and we end up missing precious time that God set aside on purpose. 

Now, I’m not saying you should be 15 minutes late for everything. And I’m also not saying that planning for the future and being excited about the future is wrong. Dreaming together is great, and it’s one of my favorite things to do with my husband. But smiling and laughing now is important for the health of your marriage. Just smiling at each other and holding hands. Enjoying today while looking forward to tomorrow. There will be rough seasons in your future and there will always be something to distract you from the joy you could have now. Enjoy each day. Make a point to be content in this season, whatever season that is.

#9. Your husband is going to change. Over time, things will happen in your marriage that you will not be prepared for. When Adam and I were first were married, we had a plan! We thought we had it all figured out. Well, when you dedicate your marriage to the Lord, it’s amazing how He will use it. And how He will take control when you forget He is in control. In our first year of marriage, we had our identities stolen and lost all our money on a day we had bills due and groceries to buy, we took in a toddler who needed a home and moved so we could accommodate, we became property managers while working full time and going to school full time, then we had to lose our family when our toddler moved out, and this was all in ONE year. One very long, full year. 

Now, most couples go through hardships in the first few years. Be prepared for this to shape and change your marriage, you, and your husband. The man you marry will grow and change, he will not stay the same. Some of the change might be good, some might be a little hard. It will be your job to make sure he holds onto the good in who God created him to be. 

I remember a time when Adam was really disappointed about our life, it was right after our first miscarriage. He was helpless. He couldn’t protect me the way he thought (men always think they can protect us from all hardships, they’re so cute), and he felt that he had failed me in some way. Now, this wasn't anything I said or did. He just was down and he needed to be reminded of who he was in Christ. So, I got to! 

I told him who he was when I married him, how he had changed in good ways and stayed the same in good ways, and how he had never failed me and that this was God’s doing and on purpose. Of course, this wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth in the middle of a trial…but it came eventually. Being married is super fun! You get to watch as your husband becomes more and more of the man God wants him to be. And you get to be a part of it! :) 

Something I wish I would have known is that the man I married was going to change and that I shouldn’t expect him to stay the same forever. A lot of disagreements and frustrations were because I was so impatient and wanted him to be mature and amazing at everything right now! But a beautiful marriage takes time. You and your hubby need to grow into a rhythm.  And the hard things you go through together will strengthen your marriage and make you unbreakable, if you go through them focused on the Lord. 

There will be many opportunities to help each other grow. As you both go through situations in life, you can help each other and support each other in the ways you need and the ways God commands.  Be patient with your husband and be patient with yourself, because God will help the two of you become the spouses you need.  God will change your hubby over time and reveal more of who your husband is to you as he becomes more of the man God wants him to be. And you will change in your marriage. You will not stay the same, which is good. But hold onto the things about you that God put there and try to be patient with yourself as God changes you into the wife your husband needs.

#10. He is not your only spiritual leader. Last but NOT least, the thing I wish I would have known number ten is that my husband is not my only spiritual leader. In fact, he is not even my primary spiritual leader. We are to follow Christ first, our husband second. It’s important to not use your hubby as an excuse to drift in your relationship with the Lord.  Don’t forget about your relationship with the Lord, there will be times when you need it. 

It’s important that you and your hubby pray together, thank God together, read together, have fellowship with each other and reflect on God’s goodness. But if for a season you are finding that your husband doesn’t lead you this way, and perhaps is just busy or maybe not making time for the Lord as he should, you are not allowed to use this as an excuse to not spend regular time with the Lord yourself. You can hold him accountable and you should as his helper, but you can’t take over as being the spiritual leader. If your hubby isn’t doing the job he needs to, gently tell him, pray for him, and remember your God. 

When life gets busy, hard, sad, happy, smooth, God wants to be there for you! If you have something in your relationship with your husband that bothers you, I mean, it might happen maybe that something will bother you in the far far future about your husband, you can always pray about it. :) Remember you have a God that loves you, cares for you, wants to hear from you and see you do well. He has given us the Holy Spirit because He wants to see us succeed in a mighty way! 

The Holy Spirit can give you patience, kindness, love, and joy when you need it. He can also give you wisdom to discern how to speak to your husband. Taking your cares and concerns to him in a loving and gentle way, or maybe in a fiery, firm, but respectful way. There are times for both but discernment is key! Your husband is called to be the spiritual leader but if he doesn’t lead you in the way you need to be led, don’t use this time that your husband might be struggling as an excuse to be lazy. And maybe your husband is an excellent spiritual leader (Praise the Lord!) and the two of you share awesome fellowship. But make sure that this isn’t the only time you have time with the Lord. Because when he is gone all day, or if he leaves for a bit of time, you’ll want to keep communion with your God so that you don’t struggle with sin or are tempted beyond what you can handle. 

I have found that in every hard season of our marriage, when Adam and I were really struggling to get along, it was also a season I wasn’t making time for the Lord that I needed to. I was looking at Adam as my spiritual leader and forgetting about my Lord and Savior who led me long before Adam ever did. 

So there are the ten things I wish I would have known. Now you can go and be perfectly prepared for your entire marriage! :) Ha! Yeah right. 

I don’t know if you’re a stubborn person, but Adam and I are both pretty stubborn people. I’m usually stubborn because I’m right. And Adam is usually stubborn because he is also somehow right….? I don’t really get it either, but I think two stubborn, young, know-it-alls living under the same roof is fantastic! It is God’s way of forcing you to become more like Jesus. You have to really practice what you preach about being a Christian. That is why if you're married, your marriage is the number one ministry of your life. 

If you love Jesus, then you need to work things out with your husband. Your relationship with him is going to be the most important ministry of your life because it’s going to reflect your relationship with the Lord. And the greatest thing is that God gives us daily opportunities to put someone else first. Before our feelings, before our wants, we get the opportunity to serve and love someone else as a way of serving God. 

We can’t be prepared for everything, but in marriage, we can walk through life with the Lord at our side. To catch us, direct us, cheer us on when we do well and to redirect us when we get a little off the path. Just don’t forget that God brought you here to this stage in your life because He loves you and your husband, has a plan for both of you, and wants to lead you both and see you succeed every step of the way. 

having heartache & healing hope

(Source)

I remember my first few heartbreaks. The times when my heart actually ached.

One heartbreak I won't forget was the feeling of abandonment when my father left our family. My family didn't turn out to be what I thought it was. I remember thinking that I was on my own, when I really shouldn't and didn't want to be. I would be tossed back and forth for the next several years with the understanding that I was an inconvenience. I learned to stay out of the way and take care of myself, even if I did a poor job.
This made me an incredibly strong person, who's able to see clearly even when emotions are high. It also made me appreciate how God wanted to hear from me all the time. I wasn't an inconvenience to Him.
My papa and I have a very close understanding of each other now. I am very thankful for the work the Lord has done in both of us.

I met a boy when I was young that I really believed was the one. Of course, my belief was mostly based on hormones and circumstances, however it was a deep deep belief. Hah! Oh, to be young.
Obviously, he was not the man God had for me. But it took many years for me to figure that out. I spent a long time waiting. And I always dreamt he would finally fall for me and that we would live happily ever after, but actually it never happened. We were never really comfortable with one another and I think it kept us both guarded, in the Lord's will. I went on to have other dating relationships where I was so guarded that no one dared to try to figure me out.
Until my husband came along. I wasn't confusing or difficult for him. And although my husband knows my heart very well, only God knows my whole being from the start. I can be completely comfortable with God and trust Him with my heart everything.
I never would have seen the amazing qualities in Adam, my husband of almost eight years, had I not seen what kind of man I did not want to be with. I knew what kind of man I needed and I could see how God was using Adam to love me and teach me about love.

The heartbreak that shaped me the most during my childhood, however, was the time I watched sin take over in my mom's life. At first, it was just selfish choices of partying, drugs, alcohol, and "having fun". Then it turned to sex, relationships and marriages that fell apart as quickly as they came together. Eventually, after an injury, her life turned into a tornado of prescriptions and operations that led to her being physically disabled. She became a person that she didn't even like. And she wasn't able to be the mom she wanted to be.
Her example was stamped on my heart and on every decision I ever made about the woman I was to become. Responsibility, integrity, achievement, and loyalty were all traits for which I would strive. My mom also showed me the reality of sin. I understood fully what sin does to the flesh and why God hates it so much.
My mother and I are able to have peace about the past and I truly forgive her for her choices. I know she loves me and I get weekly reminders when she calls to sing messages to me just to make me smile.

And now, in my life that I believe is the good consequence of decisions I've made combined with the overwhelming love and blessing of the Lord, I have very little heartache. I tried to design my life to have as little disappointment as possible. I know it sounds foolish, but I really did. People who suffer a great deal in their upbringing, I believe, can more clearly see the impact of their choices. There are a number of people who witnessed terrible things growing up and were deeply impacted in a positive way by it.

With every big decision, I have prayed about and really taken time to think about the outcome. Seeking wisdom helps to rule out foolish living. But there's only so much control we actually have over our lives.
Turns out, disappointments of a certain kind are unavoidable. And part of His design.

To have heartache that is a consequence of your decision, well that's one type of heartache. To have heartache that is the consequence of someone else's decision forced on you, that's another. But then there's the heartache that comes from something undeserved, unwanted, and unexpected. This type is the worst and most alarming. I can speak from personal experience.

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In 2010, I miscarried our first child. It was terrible. After years of looking forward to having a family, and already losing our first foster child to her family, we were disappointed to find out our baby didn't develop properly and died. However, the really hard part was that my body believed the pregnancy was still going and it was several weeks of waiting for the inevitable. I walked around with our child not growing inside of me for seven weeks.

Now, I know there are worse experiences with this from the stories of other mother's battles. I have heard of some of your own heartache. And I am so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

You find yourself making little goals that you think will keep you busy. To find that accomplishing these goals actually doesn't make you feel any better. Living your daily life with success doesn't make the pain go away. It still lingers.

Your friends and family won't want you to be in pain, but they can't take it away. And their efforts sometimes annoy you. You find yourself avoiding the people in your life because it just reminds you of your loss.
The grief you go through becomes your routine for a little while.

You have to recreate your life within the loss. You can't hide, ignore, or run from it.

Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

I know you feel like giving up. The pain is so overwhelming at times, it takes over your whole body.

A couple of months ago we started trying to have a baby. It usually takes us the better part of a year to get pregnant so we thought if we wanted to have another in the next couple years, we should start trying now.
Well, guess what? After only a few weeks of trying I was three days late.

*Ahem*
Exciting. Another baby, right? For us, this would be our fourth child. We miscarried once and adopted a little girl, so we have three children and have been pregnant three times. Got it? I know. It's confusing.
Well, call me crazy but I wasn't exactly overwhelmed with joy when I found out about this baby. I was happy! I was excited! But I also started thinking about the logistics of what this meant. Almost immediately, I began to plan out financially what the year would look like.
We'll need a new vehicle. We might need to change the bedrooms up a little, maybe our daughter might move downstairs. Hmm, we should probably finish the downstairs. If we have a little debt, we should be able to get rid of it after a few months. Maybe Adam can work a few extra shifts this summer.
And the list went on. And developed into a full plan. And a couple plan B's.
Then the morning sickness came. All throughout the day! Stupid, misleading name.

Altogether, my attitude stunk. I was trying to be thankful, but it didn't come naturally or easily.
I had to be deliberate in my gratitude.

Well, while I was redeveloping my fifteen year plan, God was doing something very different. I finally started to come around to truly loving and appreciating my little child developing inside of me, and that afternoon I started bleeding. Within the first week of my family finding out that we were having another child, we found out we were losing that child.
All the plans came to a screeching halt. Another baby died and now what do I do? What do we do?

Adam and I have a family now. It's not just about how I feel but how my children feel. How can I direct them through this if I don't know how to navigate myself? Not only that, but why do I feel such a loss this time? I have children. I should be thankful. Right?

I immediately felt sorry. I didn't appreciate this baby the way I should have. I didn't respond the way my little one deserved. I should have just enjoyed my child and been excited to meet them.
Loss brings feelings of guilt, I'm sure you can relate.

As I cried, and cried, and wept, I began to realize that death had come and life was going to keep going. With or without me.
All of life's distractions were actually little blessings (at times). They would get me out of bed when I felt like pulling the covers over my head again. I have three kids that need me, I can't just sit and grieve for days. Even if I really feel like it.
I can't give up. I can't grow weary even though I am weary.
But how can I keep going when the pain is still here?

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

The Lord is with me. Wherever I go. Even in my corner, in my tears, in this moment of loss and grief. He is with me.
I might be weary, but in my weakness He can will be strong. I can depend on His strength.

It took me years to understand my first miscarriage and how the Lord was using that to shape my life and marriage. It will be some time before I can see God's sovereignty in my second miscarriage, and just because I see how God is working, doesn't mean it makes it less painful.

One thing I know, in every loss of my life I have been able to know the presence of the Lord. His peace and rest He gives when I am really desperate.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

There is nothing wrong with pain. There is nothing wrong with grief. So, let's take the time we need to grieve. Your feeling of loss doesn't come from an ungrateful heart. Loss isn't something you can be thankful for right away, I think that would be called d e n i a l. You're in pain, and that's okay.

And when the pain doesn't go away as quickly as we had hoped, let's run to our loving Lord who wants to be there for us.
My prayer is that we will stop doing things to try and make it all better. It won't be better no matter what we accomplish. We have to live our lives and making goals is important, but it won't heal you.

Healing of the heart comes from the Creator of your heart. And sometimes, pain is part of His plan for our hearts.
When we struggle in our pain with anger, shame, guilt, hopelessness, frustration, and being overwhelmed...let's run to our Savior.
Let's live like Christians and actually go to Christ. Put our hope and trust in His perfect plan.

Let's be thankful for our lives AND grieve at the same time. Let's have pain and still praise the Lord. And in this balance, there will be healing.

the metronome & the Holy Spirit

Hey homeschool mom, what's up?

You know what I love? Piano lessons. The piano teacher gets all the smiles and laughter and us moms get the moaning and groaning of all the things they hate about practicing at home. I don't want to practice this long. I don't want to play the song this way. I just want to be done! Yes, child. I know how you feel.
Now, I know that music is great. And lessons are important. Check. Check.
However, it's the attitudes that we moms have to deal with that I'm talking about.

Really, at each recital, when do the parents get the applause from the children? It's not that I want recognition from anyone else, just my child. I just want my child to understand that it's their hard work, talent, and their parents for pushing them that deserve applause. I'm not pushing them to be hard or mean, I'm pushing them because this is the only way they can discover their talent....
(you know this argument)
Motherhood; a thankless job. Right. Got it.

Maybe in twenty years. Maybe not.

There are some perks to piano lessons, however. One is the metronome.
(throws head back) Bahahaha.

The metronome. It's the boss. It's like a little mother sitting on the piano that tells your child all the things you've been telling them for weeks. Too fast. Too slow. Try again. Start over. Keep playing. Muhahahahaha-haha.

I love it when others agree with me and affirm me in front of my children. Marvelous feeling.

And another great thing, I didn't even assign the tool to be used. The piano teacher did. *holds back laughter*

I just get to smile and let my child learn that, once again, I am not out to get them. I am here to help. And when I say something needs to be different, or that the song sounds a little off, I am not picking on them but rather wanting to help.

The metronome also reminds me that I am not in charge. There are rules to music. Note value, rhythm, dynamics, and how the instructor tells you to play. We all have to obey what the music teacher says about the piece, otherwise we don't perform correctly. Yes, there's a little cushion for musical interpretation. But altogether, the piece will not sound pretty if you throw the guidelines out the window and ignore the metronome and piano teacher.

This constant beat thumping through our house got me thinking. It's not my job to make the rules. It's not my job to keep the beat. Or even play the music. My job is to back up the metronome and help guide my child through the music while following the teacher's rules. (My job is also to keep the other children from making fun or purposefully distracting during piano practice, even though playing needs to continue even with distractions. Lovely little distractions)

Huh. I love how things in everyday life point back to the sovereignty of God.
It's not our job to convict our children. It's not our job to write the Bible. And it's not our job to be the boss. But rather use the Bible to teach our child when something is a little off. To help our child understand that conviction comes from the Holy Spirit and from Him alone. And we're not really the Boss.
Now, I say not really because we don't make the rules. All the rules we use should come from scripture. And everything we do and don't do as parents, we are accountable for to God.
He's the Boss. Whether you recognize Him or not.

Therefore, when we want to teach our child something, let's say kindness, we tell them that God wants us to be kind to one another (Ephesians 4:32) and that we, as parents, want them to be kind as siblings. That's a rule. And we are responsible for guiding our children in kindness and being an example of kindness.
But every parent knows, you can't make your child do something.

You can show them, tell them, lead them, and even write it in big print on their wall...but if they don't want to be kind, they won't. Only the Holy Spirit can lead them to listen and apply what scripture says. Only He can convict them. It's our job to lead our child to the real Boss. Remind them of the "rules". Help them keep to the beat they hear guiding them through their choices.
Being honest, hard working, loyal, loving, compassionate, prayerful, full of worship, and using self control, these are the things we want for our children. But we can't make our child genuinely do any of these things. We can show them, tell them, lead them, and even buy the t-shirt. However, we're not responsible for God's role. We are responsible to guide them in the right direction. To lovingly lead them to scripture when they're discouraged. To remind them of Who is really in charge and that they have a choice. Even if their choice is to get distracted.

So often, I thank my Lord for being my Savior. For being my Heavenly Father. Always there for me, always understanding. However, I don't give enough applause to the Holy Spirit. The constant spiritual rhythm in our home comes from Him. And as long as I let Him work, the rhythm works. As long as I get out of the way. If I were in charge of keeping the beat in our home, it would sound something like middle school band practice without an instructor.

I'm so thankful for the little reminders that I am not responsible for my child's salvation. God has written the guidelines and mapped out the plan. Jesus is their Savior. And the Holy Spirit will do all the work in their hearts and souls. My job is to step back. I'm such a do-er. I want to be involved in everything. However, sometimes the Lord needs to teach my child something and I need to let Him.

Let the metronome keep the beat. Remind my child of the piano teacher's rules for each song. Help them the best I can, sure, but ultimately trust the piano teacher to do the job. Lead my child to ask questions to their teacher, keep that personal connection. And when the recital comes, praise the teacher for working faithfully on behalf of my child and congratulate my child in their perseverance.

I'm glad I'm the mother. And that I'm only responsible to be the mother.

the Mama-monster & joyful expressions

I call them my "doxology moments". The moments that I am so JOYFUL that I burst out in the doxology...it usually is one of those circumstances that you face utter disappointment and then happiness in the next moment. Here's a few examples.

(Source)

-When you think you're all out of butter in the middle of a recipe and then find an extra package in the freezer. 

(*with hands raised* Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!)

-When you've repeated a round over and over again waiting for ONE card in a card game and then you get it. (Praise Him all creatures here below!)
-When you really need a cup of coffee and you go to the pot and there's enough for just one last delicious cup. (Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts!!!)
-Or when all your babies and toddlers are super fussy and actually nap at the same time! (Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!!!!!)

I like to bring God into these moments by bursting into an off-tune, very loud expression of joy through worship.

Happiness is one of these weird things in life. Yes, we know that happiness is fleeting. A roller coaster of ups and downs, circumstances and dependencies. And true JOY comes from the Lord. Joy is lasting, even through the dark times.
However, God wants us to enJOY too! He blesses us. Takes care of us. Is faithful to hear us. Faithful to provide and protect.
We should not only have joy but express that joy.

I don't want to sound too much like Pollyanna here, but really, I struggle to express joy in my everyday life. And joy is important!

“... if God took the trouble to tell us eight hundred times to be glad and rejoice, He must want us to do it—SOME.” ~ Pollyanna

I wish I acted the way I speak. So often, I'm talking about the goodness of the Lord but it is SO serious. So dry.
Joy, to me, is usually warped into this very solemn and sober emotion. Joy is mature. Maybe because I've been through difficult times in life, joy seems to be the aftermath of what I choose to focus on to change my attitude. It's a smile and a warm heart, but often it's very serious.

I can be serious almost all of the time. In fact, I'm so serious that my children can't tell when I'm joking. I mean, my jokes are pretty great...alright, they're a little unique.
But still, my family should see the joy of the Lord in me. The joy that bursts out into song. The joy that can't help but smile because it's a good day that God gave us!

It's so easy to show and express joy when you're out of the house. But IN your house, it's different.
In your house, you can have a tendency to become a different character entirely.

I call it the "Mama-monster".

You know this creature. She eats, breathes, and sleeps seriousness. She often is irritated without clear reason. She ends up controlling most of the day in order to keep things from getting too wild. She interferes in sibling business she could stay out of. She tends to need a few time-outs. She also ends up disciplining issues that are not really worthy of the attention given. She breathes heavily and often is irritated to be interrupted in her tasks.

Sometimes she yells...
Sometimes she grumbles...

Most of the time,  you will not see her smile. And she will justify all of these behaviors with her bad night's sleep, hormones, busy schedule, etc. She also will not be talking to or about the Lord during such behaviors. Well maybe in the old testament when the Lord would open up the ground and consume an entire people because they were evil...maybe that might be mentioned when the children disobey.

I know some of you might be thinking "ouch". But really, motherhood changes you.

I had the occasional selfish outburst with my husby but mostly I could reason my way through my feelings. With children, however, I can fully see on a regular basis...I need the Lord. (Which is probably why He made us mothers).
God bless them, but children know how to push your buttons. It's like they know when you're trying to be joyful and that's when they decide to have a bad attitude.

What really gets me though, is that I want to be joyful. I want my children to remember me smiling, laughing, and enjoying my life with them. I want them to see that joy that comes from the Lord is part of my daily thinking and feeling.
That I can be playful, silly even. And not just for a quick moment, but that I can truly enjoy their company at the expense of my schedule, plan, or expectations. Or maybe that I can be joyful even after I am called to forgive my child. When he or she does wrong against me, and hurts me, I want my child to see that I can smile and love them in forgiveness. That my enjoyment of motherhood would not be dependent on the circumstance of my relationships with my children.

That I can burst out into a "doxology moment" just because I'm expressing true joy about being a blessed mama! Regardless of the circumstances of the day, week, whatever, that I can turn that bitter struggle into sweet joy. And maybe after the Mama-monster gets put to rest for the day, that I can use her bad example to express how and why the Lord's goodness is so good.

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Lord, Please help me to have and express true joy! Help me to smile, laugh, cheer, and celebrate with my children! Help them to remember the Mama You created me to be and are completing in me. Help my children to forgive the Mama-monster in me and learn from my bad choices! Thank you for your grace and forgiveness and help me to have that grace and forgiveness for myself and my children.
Still trying, Cheryl

letter to & from my heart

I wrote this at a women's retreat recently and thought it might be a good reminder for others who may be struggling with their kiddos.

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Dear Cheryl,
Don't worry about your life and the lives of your children. God has been faithful in taking care of you, giving you life, and helping you in times of struggle. Don't give up when it's hard! Don't worry about whether your children will be faithful. Raise them the way God wants you to. Pray for them. Celebrate them! Apologize to them when necessary and make your peace.
But then trust in your sovereign God. Trust in the goodness of the Lord. Trust that He loves your children and has a plan for them! Believe in your God. Have faith that He will reward your faithfulness and trust in the promises of scripture.
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 29:17
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
When your children disregard and reject you, remember that God hurts with you. God cares about your cares. Have faith! Rest in His plan for your life. Remember His word when life gets hard and draw close to Him when you're weary. God loves you.
Your whole life, God has and will continue to love you.

things to be thankful for in your marriage, no matter the season

Our little reminders. <3

Marriage is one of the most amazing relationships ever designed. It brings two selfish people together and forces them to compromise their stubbornness for a divine unity. The relationships between husband and wife is unique to and uniquely difficult for each couple.

We all have the common disputes with money management, sex, family relations, carrying on family traditions, and raising children in a similar or different way than how we were raised. But then there are the unique struggles of fertility issues, raising children with special needs, physical or mental disabilities from work or accidents, addictions, the loss of a family member, etc.

However, in each of these trying times, our spouse can make life not only more bearable but survivable. Our souls can literally be at the end of our rope; our heart, spirit, and mind could all be ready to give up and with the encouragement and support of this one individual--life can go on. Move forward. There seems to be hope. And a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I was always the type of person that would want to live each day like it's my last. Make my peace with everyone, just in case the good Lord decides my purpose is met. My time is done. Ready to go on home. (sigh) Heaven, to be in the presence of the Lord always...          ...okay, I'm back.

So, make my peace with anyone and everyone I'm called to and be done with each day.
To say "I love you" often. "Thank you" everyday. "You're amazing" to my children. "I'm sorry" when I should be. And "I forgive you" because God forgave me.
But there are days when the struggle is too much. There are seasons of life and marriage that are trying. This is promised in scripture.
So, how do we look on our marriage, look our spouse in the eye, and still say "I love you" and "Thank you, Lord" in those times? And mean it?
As a reminder to myself, and with the help of my lovely friends and family, I've written out ten things about marriage that we can be thankful for even in the difficult times.

1. A partner in the hard times. As mentioned before, life throws us curveballs that are equally unexpected and unavoidable. This is when you realize your spouse not only goes through it with you, but has their own bad feelings about your suffering. They might not grieve the way you grieve, but they sure feel the impact of the hardship to the same degree you do. They also compensate when you might be going through something difficult. Maybe you're physically unable to clean your home, whether from sickness or injury, your spouse helps the best they can when needed. Shoot, I might be just plain busy and my husband will clean the house, feeds the kids, do the bedtime routine, etc. Sometimes your spouse might just help you because you need to sleep. Maybe they get up in the night with the screaming baby, or maybe they eat left overs for a few days because you've been too busy with life to cook. Another great thing, is that when you're going through this hardship or rough season, your spouse will comfort you the best way they know how. And marriage gives you someone to talk to when you're scared about something, whether a bad dream, a bad job, a skipped paycheck, a diagnosis, etc.

2. Your mate. Yes, I had to say what almost everyone thinks of first. Sex is meant to bring you together in a very strong way. The intimacy you experience provides a closeness and reassurance of understanding each other. When you need touch, you can have it. When you want to be held, you can. Even flirting is beneficial. Regular intimacy in a monogamous marital relationship is the way God intended, and thus blesses! It's good for your health, not only emotionally, but also physically helps reduce stress and anxiety. Plus, it's not just sex alone, it's everything with sex. Hand holding, kissing, cuddling, even admiring one another from across the room. These are all an important part of a healthy marriage. These are all things to be thankful for in marriage.

3. Someone who said, "I do" and "I will". Your spouse made the commitment to love you and be true to you. And you alone. Now, I'm not saying that because you're married, your marriage is healthy. It might not be. BUT your spouse and you made a formal agreement before your family, friends, and God to be committed to working through life together. I often like to look at my ring and remember my sweet husband saying that he gave it to me as "a symbol of his love and devotion". It's good to remember your wedding day and what you actually vowed to do. It's also good to be thankful for a person who vowed to be your spouse.

4. A person to be with! Your spouse is someone you can play games with and against. You can have hobbies together, you can go to events together, you can go on dates together. You can do all of these with the same person. It's like your own personal romantic comedy. You can laugh together! Your spouse is someone you can just be with. They get you, they get your kids, they even get your jokes. They like to watch movies with you they have inside knowledge about your life so you don't have to explain things to them. AND (my favorite) you can gut laugh with them to the point of tears and you don't care what you look or sound like. If you snort, no big deal.

5. Your coach & cheerleader. Your spouse pushes you. They know what you're capable of and will not let you say, "I can't." Sometimes they won't even let you say, "I don't want to." They have high standards for you because they know and have seen your strength. They will encourage you in your pursuits and support you along the way to your achievements. They will be in the front row taking pictures. Often, your spouse will be the reason you can accomplish anything in life.  Accomplishments take effort from both you and your spouse when you're married. Not to mention, accountability. There is no better accountability partner than the person you eat, sleep, and live with.

6. A friend who understands. Your spouse knows who your friends are and the crazy stories about your relatives and family reunions. They know your family, children, neighbors, boss', coworkers, and church family members. They understand your relationships and can support you in a way they know you need. They are familiar with your everyday battles, whether it's a bad attitude or forgetfulness, they can help because they understand. They also have a deep knowledge of you and your past and love you anyway. They will listen to you and talk with you when it really matters. And sometimes they will even listen when they know you're wrong. They will be patient with you and forgive you. They know when you've reached your limit and you need a "timeout". And they still tell you they love you even when you're irritating them.

7. Someone to dress up & down with. I know some spouses complain about dressing up, but truthfully if your spouse were gone tomorrow, you'd miss this. Your spouse gives you a reason to shower, brush your hair and teeth, put on perfume or cologne, etc. If you're married, you have a reason to look polished at some point in the day, even if you didn't go anywhere. Your spouse is also the person you can have your sweatpant-moments with. If you smell a little funky, they funk with you. And then they shower with you (added bonus). You can both have your dress down mornings while you clean the house and you know you'll still love each other. However, you also go out together and put some effort into yourself for each other. No one wants to be married to a sweatpant-forever kinda person. I mean, not usually.

8. Your Personal Care Assistant. Your spouse is invested into your future. They want you to not only stick around, but be as healthy as possible in that time. Mind, body, and spirit. They help keep track of ailments, appointments, medications, etc. They pay attention to your life with the Lord. Your struggles, goals, and accountability. It is always easier to go to church and pray when you know someone is watching your walk with the Lord. Your spouse also relieves stress by fulfilling spiritual roles and familial roles. They work hard for you and your family so that you can be healthy and joyful. It is always something to be thankful for when you have a person in your life paying attention to your short and long term health. It may not seem fun, but if it were suddenly missing from your life, you'd miss being taken care of this way!

9. Your partner in crime. Isn't it awesome to have someone at your side to fight the good fight? You can stand for the same causes. Your spouse will support you in disputes, pray for your enemies with you, and seek peace for you when you're unable. You also may argue together against what is wrong. In the mission of life set before you, God has given you a spouse to help with seeking what is right and standing for the truth. I always joke about getting arrested for something righteous, and being thankful for having a spouse who would either be with me in jail or able to bail me out. Your spouse is also someone who helps in family disputes. They can see things more objectively, take your side, and without judgment still love your family. This=great!

10. Someone to enjoy life with. Whether you enjoy the beach, wine, good food, taking a deep breath on a long walk, the rain, the mountains, music, business, sports, looking at photo albums, taking road trips, etc. you have someone at your side along the way! Your spouse is someone you can go on a trip with, have drama almost the entire time, and look back years later and say, "Man, that was a great time!" It's not just enjoying life that makes having a spouse awesome, but having someone to think about bringing joy to.  Planning special events or meals you know they will like, buying or making little gifts for each other that have sentimental value. Even just having someone who will read out loud to you when you're not feeling well. It's not about being in a season that is easier or happier, but rather having someone at your side no matter where you are in life. If you're in a difficult season, you can still dream with your spouse about the future.

You won't have your spouse forever, so go enjoy your mate! We all have things in our marriage that we have a hard time enjoying. However, whether you're a husband or a wife, you can be thankful for your spouse by changing your focus. Look at all the good in your marriage & be thankful. It is a blessing to be married and have such an awesome, important ministry in your life!