look at the birds & flowers

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This morning, looking out the window, I was reminded of the dreariness of anxiety by the rainy morning we've had. Looking out, everything is heavy and wet. Cold and still. Quiet.

And then a little bird landed by my window. Gathering up it's breakfast with no regard for me or my house. Just working away, hopping here and there, gathering the food that's been provided.

We've all experienced anxiety on some level. It might not be a deep struggle for you, anxiety or worry can grip you even in small ways. Whatever you worry about; your husband, marriage, children, parents, siblings, work, bills, house, car, homework, or even your garden. We all have areas in life that test our faith.
Anxiety and worry happen when we have little faith (if any at all) in whatever area is weighing us down.

Ouch.

Now, everyone has concern or the desire to be responsible or problem solve. But that is not what I mean. You should think about your family, bills, work, etc. However, when the concern becomes questioning or doubting that the outcome will be okay, when your concern turns to worry...it becomes sin because God wants us to have faith and not worry.

Instead of "being concerned" you should be praying. That concern or thought is a seed planted by the Lord urging and reminding you to pray.
When you don't pray, your concerns take over your thought life and worry takes over your soul.

I always think of this scripture when I see birds and flowers. And it really helps calm my soul of whatever worry I might be struggling with at the moment.
We are commanded to look and observe not worry and question. We are commanded to seek His kingdom and righteousness above our life.
Don't be worried about your life. Seek Him.

The Cure for Anxiety

25 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

three tools in managing "sexpectations" in marriage

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Everyone enters marriage with the plan that their sex life is going to be fantastic!
But a few months in, you're wondering what the flip happened?! You married this awesome guy, you both love the Lord, you were super excited about your whole intimate journey but then BAM...everything changes and all of the sudden, sex isn't as easy as you expected.
And then at some point sex isn't happening. (at least not as often as you or your husband thought) Maybe it's after a month, maybe a year, maybe ten years. But this happens in every marriage at some point.

It seems like with any big stage in life, from honeymoon to menopause, our bodies are constantly changing things up for us. It is a constant guessing game about how our lady parts work and whether or not what we are doing is actually satisfying.
Hormone changes, health issues, pregnancy, and the aftermath of giving birth are all areas where sex is going to feel different based on the condition of your body. This is normal. The only way to make it through the sexual roller coaster of managing "sexpectations" (expectations about sex) is by communicating with each other, seeking understanding of one another, and praying for yourself, your spouse, and your bedroom. If one of these three areas is missing, eventually your sex life becomes your sex death. The lack of intimacy between you and your spouse will create other problems in your marriage and can eventually kill the entire relationship.

I have heard from many married women that sex isn't enjoyable.
Bummer! Sex is supposed to be amazing! God created sex to be shared in the bond and union of marriage. There is commitment, security, and connection here that doesn't happen anywhere else. Anyone who has committed sexual sin, knows that it's not satisfying. Sex is only satisfying when it's carried out God's way, because it's not just physical. It's emotional and spiritual.
I say this a lot, (and will keep saying it until it catches on) but as married Christians, we should be the most sexually satisfied people walking the planet.
The truth is, when we don't communicate about sex with our spouse, don't try to understand each other and completely ignore our responsibility to pray for our marriage...guess what? Sex isn't satisfying and all of the sudden, your secular cravings take over and you start to believe the lie that your sex life would be better outside of God's design. In creeps adultery and temptation that hurts.

Ladies, we talk about everything from hair style ideas and bargain shopping to easy 3-step recipes and how to make diy seat covers. Why do we hold back conversation with our husbands about what's really important? Who cares about the weather? Or what your summer plans might look like?
If you're not having regular intimacy time in your marriage, something is wrong. If you're not satisfied with your sex life, you should know why and try to improve. This is not an area of your marriage you can afford to ignore. If you do, I'm afraid you're not doing your job as your husband's companion. And worse, you're missing out on the incredible blessing of marriage that God designed for you to have.
So, let's start with the talking part.

Communicate with your spouse
No! Communication doesn't mean saying you don't feel like it tonight.
I mean actual communication with words about what feels good, bad, worse, better, and what to try next time. What you're thinking about, what you're struggling with, what lies you've been taught, your insecurities, etc. I have recently been made aware that many married women, regardless of age and years of marital "bliss", have never had an open sex-talk with their husband.
BAHIDEJSKLDSIXHWSNWHAT?
Sorry, my fingers just spazzed out from shock. Never!? Some have been married five months, five years, or five decades and they have never talked about sex with their husband. Best case scenario that's a lot of sex with almost no feedback. (scary) Worst case scenario, no sex and no feedback. (sad)

Newsflash, your man doesn't actually know what it is like to be a woman. Go figure. He needs a little direction. And God bless him, he really does want to please you. So, help him out by talking about your body.

My prayer is that these words will encourage you to identify what is holding you back from communicating, help open up communication between you and your spouse, and give you the confidence you need to fight off lies and insecurities to be the woman and spouse God intended you to be.

Imagine that you and your spouse dreamt about eating a steak dinner. Years of dreaming about steak. So, you plan to make it together for the first time. (the food and sex comparison just makes sense to me)
Now, with a little bit of research and heresy, you decided to go buy the steak, seasonings, side dishes and everything you dreamt of when fantasizing about this delicious meal. You both get in the kitchen and realize you have NO IDEA what you're doing but you're gonna wing it! So, hey! We're makin steak, baby!
You get out a pan, or a dish and start preparing and cooking food, but really you're guessing the whole way through. You're laughing and enjoying the prep, but you're really looking forward to eating the meal and enjoying it! Eventually, the meal is cooked and ready to eat.
And then you both eat and don't say one. word. about. it. Now, you both finish the meal, but still no feedback about what it was like.
Are you getting this? NO feedback?
Was it good? Was it overcooked? Should we prepare it differently next time? Maybe one of you finished first. Maybe one of the sides was too much for one of you. Maybe try a different side next time. Maybe grill instead of bake, etc. There are many different ways to enjoy a delicious steak.
(this was a good analogy)
Without feedback, you really cannot improve. For your sake or your spouses.

Sex is a subject that should be discussed regularly in your marriage. And all of the details that go with it! How you feel, what you struggle with and perhaps why something is difficult for you, what you enjoy, when you were embarrassed, etc. Physical intimacy is a big part of feeling comfortable with your spouse. Regular touching and affection, but also talking about these things, asking questions about what your husband likes or dislikes, and giving balanced feedback about your experience (positive feedback and areas of improvement, both are important).

Once the communication is happening, you can move into the motive...understanding one another. Communication is not about tearing each other down, it's about building each other up. Improving your connection and making an effort to know your spouse better. This is the area where you should know and understand your spouse best.

Understanding yourself & your mate
Past exposure to sex has a big impact on how you view yourself, your partner, and even how comfortable you are looking at your own body (let alone, sharing your body). Being able to discuss these issues and receive healing can take time, however God (the Almighty, Sovereign, Amazing God that He is) chose your spouse and knows your past. It is His desire for you to share your whole self (body, mind, heart and soul) with your spouse. It is His desire for you to be healed and part of that healing comes from establishing a healthy sex life NOW with your husband. Whether it was exposure to sex before marriage, or a rough start to your happy-ever-after, being able to let go of past hurts, experiences, abuses, etc. and move on to victory with your companion is the goal! You want your marriage to do well? Your husband should know what your boundaries are and why. Even if you have hurt from your spouses past exposure, this will hold you back in your marriage.
A healthy sex life for your marriage depends on understanding one another. Communicating about the  past needs to be safe, open, and if necessary forgiven. This is the only way to move forward and create a healthy environment for you and your spouse to experiment with and understand each other. This forgiveness can allow the freedom necessary to move forward and create a sex life that works for both you and your spouse.

If you're single, as in not married (a lot of this article will be helpful for you in the future), your current struggle might be that you're in a sexually sinful situation right now. Whether you're having sex outside of marriage or practicing sinful habits that you believe will disappear when you're married, you are in a struggle right now that will hurt your future.
There are consequences to participating in sexual sin. No matter the kind.

If your desire is to honor the Lord, get out of the sinful situation you're in. Stop watching pornography or reading R-rated romance novels. Stop having sex with men who are not your husband. Stop masturbating and fantasizing about fictitious characters. Stop dreaming about another ladies' man. Just stop! These habits don't go away when you're married. Marriage is NOT a quick-fix to a sinful pattern. Your sinful pattern will affect your marriage in the future if there is no repentance.
Communication for you single ladies needs to happen between you and your Savior. You need to repent of this sin and create healthy habits now that will bless your marriage. Ask the Lord to help you stay away from sexual sin. And try to understand yourself now (why you struggle with this particular issue) so that when the time comes for you to go on your honeymoon, you can be confident and open with your husband and move forward successfully. Until you are married, guard your heart, mind, body, and soul for your future spouse. They are precious and will be very precious to him.

For us married ladies, our current struggle can be health issues, hormones, pregnancy, weight gain, poor nutrition, lack of exercise, lack of motivation, etc. This is our problem. We don't look like we used to and it bothers us.
Well, guess what? Your spouse wants you AND you can work at your body and attitude toward sex. Whether you struggle with confidence, initiation, desire, positive affirmation, etc. you can work at these things.
Start by having sex with your husband! (this will be the solution to many of the problems mentioned in this entry)
Really, though. Initiate by telling him you want him! (Especially make comments in the morning so that he's thinking about YOU all day)
Your confidence booster will come when you know your man is satisfied and it's all because of you.
Some other simple ways to work on being more confident are to relax, laugh at yourself, smile more often, love your body and all your baby-making/ baby-having curves! Just own where you are right now and make a healthy goal for yourself in order that you feel more confident.

Maybe you don't struggle with confidence, but rather desire. This could be your hormones or a health condition, however, you still have a role in your husband's life that no one else should fulfill. If your husband isn't coming to you for sexual satisfaction, that's a problem. If he is coming to you, talk to him about what you're feeling. Explain how it may not be satisfying or enjoyable because of what you're feeling physically. You are not the first woman to feel this way. If there is a physical problem causing you to have little or no desire to have sex with your husband, this should be discussed.
Sex should be enjoyable for both spouses. Talk to your husband about different ideas on how to change things up to possibly make them more comfortable or enjoyable. Also, you could ask your doctor about anything that could cause your lady to be "disagreeable". You both can feel confident that your goal is the same. You want to satisfy, understand, and enjoy each other. This is a great place to start!

Praying
This is the most overlooked area in your marriage! Praying about sex. Honestly, the idea totally threw me the first time I heard it. But really, it's a game-changer.
As Christians who are submitting to the Lord by keeping your marriage pure and undefiled, you want to create a safe place for satisfying intimacy for both you and your spouse. You make all the effort necessary to communicate to your spouse, research together, discuss ideas, understand each other better, and still, something isn't working quite right. This is when we pray.

• Pray for the right balance of purity and freedom. 
• Pray for the opportunity when you both have time and energy. 
• Pray for the kids to go to sleep early. 
• Pray for the confidence you need in order to share your whole self with your spouse. 
• Pray for the physical desire to have physical intimacy with your mate. 
• Pray that there is forgiveness and grace covering your relationship.
• Pray that sex is satisfying for both you and your spouse. 

Your desire for your spouse is Godly. Your desire to enjoy each other and know each other intimately is holy. What you are trying to accomplish, God is waiting to bless!
But, because there can be sin here, past hurts and experiences that grip us at our core...we have to pray. This is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battle. We should be praying for ourselves and our husbands. Whatever issues are specific to your marriage can be prayers you take to the Lord and let Him handle. God wants to see your marriage succeed and will bless you if you are faithful to love your spouse and make an effort!

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear! 

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer! 

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful Who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Too often, married people ignore the fact that sex is supposed to be a blessing in marriage and carry it like a curse. It's not a curse. Sex with your spouse is a blessing you should seek to experience, understand, and pray over until you experience security and satisfaction the way God designed.

Happy marriage everyone. Now, go be fruitful.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

5 financial issues that could be hurting your marriage

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I'm such a money-nerd. I love to have all my numbers in the black every month. To have a plan. To name every dollar. I know every time my husband or I use our money, what it's used for, how to correctly color-code and categorize that expense, and I don't just enjoy this...I love it. I feel so satisfied with all of it. And what I love most, is when God takes over completely. When He works outside of my responsible planning in a miraculous "only God could have done that" kinda way. Amen?

If you have ever had financial ups and downs and cried out to the Lord for help, you know what I'm talking about. When bills get paid and somehow you manage to make it one more month, even when you couldn't figure how it would be possible. Or when a blessing comes from out of nowhere and ends up paying for something unforeseen.
These are the emotional ups and downs we go through with finances.
Will we be able to make it this month? 
How are we going to pay this bill?
We really can't afford the lifestyle we have. 
What are we going to eat?
How much money are we actually spending?
Do we have any savings?
Why are my spouse and I so different with money?
This is the struggle. There is emotion and pressure here. There is need for a deep breath.
And this is why money can be one of those subjects that is never really directly brought up but can dictate the emotion of your conversations and control the heart of your home without you realizing it. You could be fighting about something small but with so much passion and emotion because really, it's about money.

If you're married, probably one of you is more involved than the other in managing the budget of your home. Regardless of which one you are, there are some things you could be doing that are really hurting your marriage. My goal is to encourage unity in marriage through your money. For you and your spouse to come together and discuss the actual issues you are avoiding or ignoring and hopefully, for your marriage to be blessed by the discussion. I know there is fear here, and the desire to respect and honor. But letting your spouse continue on in a bad financial habit is not doing your job as their spouse.

Money is meant to be a blessing and a tool. Something we can use to not only survive but bless others, further God's kingdom, and also enjoy in a holy way that pleases God. And you should be able to enjoy that money together.

Managing money in a responsible way can be such a blessing to your life. I have seen these five financial habits completely take over households until they eventually end up causing division in the marriage. There are many issues in financial management that can affect your marriage, but these are the five I wanted to discuss today. These issues always start small and grow BIG. I hope that this outline is something you can relate with and God can use to bless you in your marriage.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

#1 Separate everything vs. together attitude
This tends to happen in homes where both spouses make their own income. Earning your own income and contributing to your family is a wonderful thing! I know many women who work outside of the home and I think that you have to do what your family needs and what you need. Sometimes women work because their home needs the income. Other times, women might work because they enjoy working outside the home. Regardless, this can (but doesn't have to) create issues about income and budgeting if you have separate ideas about your income. Your money should be a tool for your entire family. There should be no separate accounts, separate splurges, separate bills, or separate debt. I know I might ruffle a few feathers with this, but honestly, it creates issues in your marriage. Each of you having your own income and depositing your money into separate accounts could function but it doesn't work the way you want it to. It ends up creating no accountability in your spending habits, no communication about your debts, and no support when you might really need it. Marriage should be a place where everything is brought to the table. No secrets. No separate lives. If you have separate income, you need to establish a together attitude. Both you and your spouse have strengths and weaknesses with money that balance each other; if you don't share everything with one another, this balance cannot exist. You might be able to spend whatever you want, but then guess what? So can your spouse. This "separate money" recipe creates an environment of judgment about spending, resentment about fairness, and your marriage ends up becoming an entitlement battlefield of who makes more money and should have the freedom they deserve. All your money should be accounted for and everything should be shared. It will also help give accountability with temptation to keep secrets or spend money on inappropriate things. This will bless you and grow you in ways you need.

#2 Confusing your needs with your wants
When you allow yourself to spend money on something that is a want, budget for it and stick to it. Marketing and advertisements are geared toward teaching men and women that they need what they actually want. The two get confused often and the lines become blurry.
The truth is women don't need thirty skirts and seventy-five pairs of shoes and men don't need the garage full of tools and wheeler-machine-boat-gizmos. (Yes, this was written by a woman who doesn't know proper tool names) But truly, these are wants. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting a boat or new pair of shoes.
The issue here is wanting what you cannot afford. Or believing that having that extra snow machine is going to make you feel satisfied and happy. If you can't afford something, be honest. There is no shame in admitting and sticking to a lifestyle of spending responsibly for your income. There IS shame in buying more stuff that you can't afford and eventually don't enjoy. You have plenty! If you attach feelings of satisfaction of life to your belongings, I hate to say it, but your issues run a little deeper than your pocketbook.
A new dress shouldn't give you happiness. The feeling of satisfaction should come from budgeting for and buying a dress for a great deal while being able to afford it! If you enjoy a bargain, good for you! But make sure you can still afford the bargain! I hear men and women talk about that one item they couldn't pass up because it was "such a great deal", but meanwhile that spouse is quickly losing trust every time he or she goes bargain shopping. Bargains can still make you bankrupt. And there is nothing more important than the trust of your spouse. Buying extra things isn't worth wrecking your marriage. Period.
Men and women can also enjoy their expenses together. However, examine your lifestyle and pay close attention to your strengths and weaknesses. Don't fall into the trap of becoming the customer that every business loves. Talk to each other and stick to your agreements. Don't buy things that you want while convincing yourself that they are needs. You really could live with a lot less.
And it might be better for you and your marriage.

#3 Not having self-control with your spending
With all of the technology available to our generation, there is no excuse for a lack of communication about purchases. EVER. You not only can text your husband while shopping but also rearrange your bank accounts! Amazing! It's a recipe for success. :)
Now that you are without excuse in communicating with each other, its all about follow-through. If you plan to spend $100, spend $100. Or maybe, just maybe, WAIT for the expense.
If you can't find what you were looking for with a price that is reasonable to what you were planning to spend, don't buy it. Wait, research, budget again, communicate, and then go shopping and enjoy!
If you like the freedom to spend what you want without communicating, you can plan for that as well. Both you and your spouse can agree on a specific amount that you put aside every month for "fun money". Or even for "home improvement" or "new house stuff". But again, this amount should be reasonable according to your income and you and your spouse should have equal say about the amount. If you find your spouse is spending more than planned, gently ask them what amount would work for them. Remember, the idea with this communication is not acting like a parent to a child. It's from one loving partner to another and the goal is to find a solution. There is no pointing fingers, blaming, or using the behavior as an excuse for giving up. This is about creating a system that works for your marriage! It is unique to you.
But in your unique marriage, the foundation is always built on communication and trust. You need to be able to trust your spouse when they leave the house. You also need to be the type of spouse that is trustworthy and be a person of your word. Your marriage can help you grow in responsibility and again be a huge blessing to you financially! But it's up to you to communicate about what works and what doesn't.  Plan for both of you to act in a trustworthy way with your money and find a way to agree upon what that means in your life.

#4 How much he spends vs. how much she spends
We all know that men have expensive tools, equipment, gear, and toys, and usually have expensive places to store these items. However, women spend smaller amounts more frequently, usually on beauty products, clothing, and social events. This is one of the touchy subjects in a lot of marriages. How much he spends vs. how much she spends.
After talking with a lot of married couples, I have realized that there are multiple sub-issues here.
One issue is when the hobbies are more expensive than both spouses realized, planned for, or can afford. There is nothing wrong with having expensive plans, but they need to be affordable and actually be expensive plans. If your spouse is worried that your $2000 hunting trip will exceed your budget, there are issues of worry, doubt, question of character, and fear about the future here. It's not just that you spent $250 more on your ladies weekend than planned, it's whether or not it matters to your spouse. The idea here is communication, planning, and a little financial flexibility in your plan. You can always reevaluate what you spent last year and plan ahead for this year but your spouse needs to know that money management matters to you. That their feelings of doubt or need for security are important to you and that you care about creating a plan that works.
Another sub-issue is jealousy. We want to spend money together in marriage and it is very difficult when one spouse spends a huge amount of your yearly income on something that is personal and individual. Now again, there is nothing wrong here, but it can bring resentment, bitterness, hurt, and even feelings of loneliness that we experience every time the subject of this hobby or expense is mentioned. Instant hidden drama in a conversation you thought would be light-hearted.
When your spouse spends a large amount on something for them, you might feel the need and justification to spend money on things you don't need and sometimes don't even want. It's a vicious spend-cycle that eventually leads to another battle of how much each of you are spending. You are against each other instead of together.
You should know how much you're actually spending on your monthly fishing trip. And you should also know how much you spend on your hair appointments every year. How much your new boat is costing and the cost of your seasonal home decorations. (It's probably more than you think) Spending money on these items isn't wrong and doesn't have to be a burden. It's about balance and working toward understanding one another. What is important to you and your spouse.
The last sub-issue here is maybe you're not a big spender but you're married to one. Again, this balance of one extreme and another can should be a great blessing! It leads to a better balance in both of you. (God knew what He was doing)
If one of you spends a certain amount on individual expenses every month, you can plan for that. You may not be in battle over "who spends more", but maybe "who spends and who doesn't". Evaluate whether or not the amount spent on hobbies and personal expenses is fair to both spouses, and once decided, plan for this spending in your monthly budget.
It's important to have your own things as individuals, however, you need to come back to your spouse at the end of the day and enjoy your marriage too! You should enjoy spending money on things you can enjoy together. You should also thank your spouse for keeping a budget where you both can still have the freedom to hunt, fish, have projects, shop, go out with the girls or update your wardrobe.

#5 Spending money you don't actually have
Did you know that every time you use your credit card for an expense, you're actually borrowing money for that expense? Even if you pay it back right away (which let's be real, most of us don't), you're still borrowing money for the movies, clothes, groceries, bills, gasoline, shoes, etc. Or getting a little more personal, maybe you're borrowing money for your TV, computer, new vehicle, new couches, or a vacation that you really needed wanted.
Let me say something and be very clear...stop spending money you don't actually have. Credit cards are not completely terrible and can be used for good. However, most of us use them for everything we want, pay the minimum payment, and continue to pay interest and fees for the freedom to borrow money for a life we simply can't afford. Many families have two spouses work because they have created an expensive and unnecessary lifestyle. Many expenses that stress out your marriage are avoidable and due to your desire for a life you simply shouldn't be living.
If you want your dream home, dream car, dream wardrobe, dream vacation, etc. you need to work and save for it! And when you do work and save for it, you should enjoy it! Having a lifestyle that you enjoy and can afford is an awesome thing! But having a lifestyle that you actually need credit cards for is not a smart, responsible, or Godly way to live. The Bible talks about debt, savings, and how to be wise with your income. Nowhere does it say "It's okay, you don't have to pay attention. I'll work it all out." No, God did not say that and does not work that way.
It is crazy to me how people can have so much and still complain about how they struggle with not having enough money. It's pretty simple, if money is an issue in your marriage (whether spending too much or having too little), it is not God-glorifying to live without paying attention or without trying to solve the problem. And credit cards and financing are NOT the solution.
Everyone needs a home and most people need a vehicle for maintaining a job, however, you do not need 15 different ways to watch television, 250+ channels, and the ability to record and re-watch your favorite episodes. You also do not need to spend $500 on each of your children at Christmas to make them happy (and side note: do you really want to teach them that happiness comes with stuff?). You don't need marble countertops, stainless steel appliances, or a brand new vehicle. These are wants, and if worked and saved for, should be enjoyed and used for blessing you and others! But these are not needs. And these are not worth having debt for years and straining your marriage and family.
Dreams are wonderful, and they can be great date-night conversations. But you can't live in your dreams unless you work to make them your reality. Creating a lifestyle that you can afford is pretty easy; you just base your needs on your actual income. Not your wants on your credit. And you can also have money set aside every month for that new stove that you'd really love. The key to this is saving and being patient for your wants.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Whether you're the money manager or financial support technician :), you have an important job and responsibility to pay attention to your behavior with money and to make sure you and your spouse are in agreement about the income of your home.
How it is used, how it is earned, how it is saved. You should know how much you make, spend, save, and owe.
If you don't know the ballpark of these financial facts, I'm sorry to say that you are not living wisely and not honoring God in your management of what He has given you. If you and your spouse simply cannot agree about how your money is to be used, remember that marriage can't survive without compromise, grace, and submission. (Both spouses have to compromise, give grace to each other, and submit to their leader [or Leader])
God has given you the ability to earn this money. It is your job to communicate with your spouse about how it will be managed to the best of your abilities and to pray for wisdom in managing your budget in a way that honors God. You don't need to be obsessive about numbers, or even check your accounts daily. But you should know what is happening in your accounts, where your money is going, and have a plan for your money that is not just about you.

Remember your money is meant to be a blessing to you, others, and to the Lord. Plan for spending money on others, giving money to the Lord, and enjoying your money yourself! This is the way God intended for your money to be used. This is when you get off the financial roller coaster you've been on and decide together that money management will not be an issue that breaks your marriage. Financial management that honors God will lead your marriage into a close unity and a better understanding of each other.

Talk with the Lord in prayer and then talk to your spouse. If you have deep concerns about a bad financial habit in your marriage, whether yours or your spouses, ask God for the right time and words to talk to your spouse about it and for the wisdom to make a decision that honors the Lord. (Even if it's your issue, talk to your spouse for accountability)
Figure out your budget (what you make, spend, save, and owe), and create a lifestyle that works for you. Your budget should be limited based on your bad habits. Your budgeting should be true to who you and your spouse are; this requires honesty. Talk to each other and be honest about your struggles. Seek restoration and forgiveness with one another and set boundaries and limits within your budget that help build up your trust for each other.

If there are past hurts and trust issues with money, these should be discussed as things we don't want to repeat. You don't have to talk specifics (no blame-game here), just honesty and solution-seeking topics. Also, if never discussed, try to explain how this issue in your money management affected your trust or feeling of security, etc. It is important to be honest, but also forgiving. Forgiveness is necessary in budgeting (as in any area of life). In order to move forward and find a solution, you have to be able to forgive your spouse and yourself of poor choices from the past.
Every month needs flexibility and grace for yourself and your spouse. It is a balance of being responsible with what God has given and flexible with unforeseen issues and expenses. It's not ever going to be perfect, but if you pay attention and pray for wisdom and balance, your marriage can be tremendously blessed by your financial management. As it should be.

He loves me, He loves me, He loves me

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Alright, you all remember this game that we played as little girls years ago...and by years ago, I mean last week.

he loves me, he loves me NOT, he loves me, he loves me NOT...

Always hoping and praying that whoever we were wanting to love us, would really end up loving us according to the "daisy-gods-of-the-universe".
And at times, he would really indeed love me for the rest of my life and we would live happily ever after loving each other and skipping together while holding hands.
And other times, he would love me NOT, and it would be the worst half-second of my life before I picked another daisy.

Remember this? I know you do.

Well, something got me the other day...it grabbed my attention out of nowhere as I was admiring the wildflowers in my yard.

Why do we play this game? What are we really longing for?
If you're a kid from the nineties, you remember the other love-determining games such as MASHO, True Love, etc. You remember folding that piece of paper and writing different outcomes on the inside to determine who you and your best friend were going to marry, where you were going to live, and possibly how many children you might have.
Of course, these games were part of my experience growing up because I was in public school which is basically all about dating. (Go ahead, disagree with me, but you're wrong) Whether it was in the hallways, on the bus, or at lunch, girls were always daydreaming about their forever-after.

Well, now I have my forever-after. I married my prince. Was rescued from the dungeon. Helped slay the dragon (because any cool chick would help with that nonsense). I mean, my whole romantic story has been introduced. I still have many romantic adventures waiting for me (and my husband) in the next several chapters of life, but I don't have to daydream the who anymore.
It occurred to me, however, that my husband doesn't romance me all day everyday...what?! I know, crazy. His love, even on the best day, doesn't quite fulfill all my romantic desire for understanding and intimacy.
Even in marriage, I find myself longing for connection at times. Who am I really longing for? And what type of connection?
Maybe you're married and can identify with this. Or maybe you're single and still longing for the who. Either way, no matter where you are in your story, you have a longing for romance.

So, there I was, admiring wildflowers and BAM...like a 2X4 across the face, it hit me.
I was longing for Jesus.

Not only did I want a Prince and Savior, but I wanted a man to love and understand my heart without me having to explain. A man that looked at me with admiration and respect, who knew my capabilities and thought I was wonderful. All the time. A man who looked at me with compassion and forgiveness when I was in the wrong. A man who was not just a man but also... God.

Don't we all want that? We have such high expectations for our husbands, it's really not fair.
Ladies! Don't put your need for romance and the pressure of having a perfect connection on your husbands. This longing is between you and your God. Now, God might use a man to show you love, but He still wants connection with you. Just you and Him.
Your story of romance should begin and end with Jesus Christ. Your husband is only human, and even though he's super cute and amazing at everything, only God can romance you the way you need.
I know some of you are thinking this lady is nuts, what in the world is she talking about, and what does romance have to do with God?

Romance, whether noun or verb, is all about emotion. Whether you are entering into a romance or enjoying being romanced, your desire for love is driving you through it. Romance is the emotion associated with the movement of your heart and soul; being pursued or having excitement about a relationship definitely has to do with your Creator who designed your heart and soul.

It's time to stop daydreaming about your hypothetical future. It's time to stop expecting your man to become a supernatural romantic hero. There's nothing wrong with watching romantic comedies or reading (PG rated) love stories (In fact, I rather enjoy them at times), but they will not fulfill any desire in your heart or soul for romance. They will leave you feeling empty and disappointed because you're putting your hope in the wrong place.

I'm asking that you read this and take time to think about it...

God fashioned me. He took time, thought, effort, and skill in designing my body, soul, and mind for a specific purpose. He knows my hurts, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. He knows the deep sin I struggle with and shows compassion. He hears the cry in my heart. He feels the pain from my life.
He also knows what it takes to make me laugh. He loves my smile and puts so much in my life for me to enjoy. He loves the color of my hair and eyes and specifically chose them for me. No one has ever admired me the way God does. He sees my strength and all that I can do. He listens to me and wants to hear from me always.
Why did He do all of these things? Why does He feel this way?

Because He loves me. Every petal means He loves me.
With God, the game totally changes. It's not a human love. It's a Godly love.
And it's perfect.

the unrealistic expectation of enjoying parenthood all the time

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(A few months back, I was honored with speaking at my friend's baby shower and was encouraged to post this for all young mothers. I added a little more but hope it helps those who need it!)

Whoever said motherhood is a privilege lied. It was a half-truth, really, which anyone should tell you is actually a lie. Motherhood is not just a privilege but a job. I don't believe it needs to be one or the other. For many of the first months of motherhood, I felt so much guilt for not enjoying my baby the way I thought I was going to.

I mean, let's be honest. Nobody likes tired, fussy babies! We all feel bad for them and want them to get well because we don't want our child to suffer AND because when they do suffer, it means more work for us. It is so much better when your child is well, happy, fed, rested, and smiling. Sign me up for that part of motherhood any day!
I enjoy taking care of my child, and sure I have compassion for them. But tired babies who only want to be held by you...who just scream and scream... in your face...you'd have to be insane to enjoy that! Something might be wrong, maybe they're hungry (right after you fed them) or maybe they peed a tiny bit and want the neighbors to know. But I'm just going to be honest...I do not enjoy doing this part of parenting. We do it, sure, because it's our job and our privilege. But there are some aspects of all jobs and privileges that are not as enjoyable as others. And there are some job duties that you really don't enjoy, and that is totally okay.

In any job, no one likes long hours and working for those who don't appreciate us. We are not called to find joy in the long hours, we are called to communicate with our boss (God) and maybe share the workload (husband, family, friends, etc.). We are called to prioritize and discipline our schedules to make time for what needs to be done (chores, blah, blah, blah). We are also called to reevaluate when something about our job/privilege is not working and needs to change (ask others what they do, try different methods in your routine, research and read up on the subject, etc.). And the awesome part of the job of motherhood is that we can eventually teach our children to appreciate us and others who work hard for them! (I think sometimes my husband wishes he could do this with those he works with.)

We all have had different journeys into motherhood. Some find themselves thrown into motherhood very quickly; others pray and wait for years for their precious little one. However, regardless of your journey, you do not need to feel bad about struggling as a parent. Parenting is hard, no matter the parent and no matter the child.

Most men and women love to cuddle with their sweet little child. Cuddles, giggles, and that smile in the middle of the night are all precious memories to be cherished. When you teach your child something and watch them practice and apply the lesson. When your child thanks you for doing a good job, even if you spent half the day disciplining them. When your spouse appreciates your hard work and trusts you with raising your children. When your friends can have their children come over and both sets of kids are good influences on each other. These are all moments that make your heart warm and fuzzy as a parent.

There are some aspects of parenting, however, I have learned that are not as easy to enjoy. The times we are being tested. The times we struggle as parents, believe lies about ourselves, and feel guilt and shame about who we are in trials and how weak we become.

Story time: My daughter was convinced at the wise age of 10 years old that she would be better off on her own. She wanted to be an adult. Now, of course, this was an "adult" according to her definition, but nonetheless she wanted f r e e d o m.

Freedom from parents, rules, bed times, suggestions, homework, school, personal hygiene, etc. However, when she came to me (no judgment, please), I supported her in her desires. I sat down and talked with her about what this would really look like. I explained that it was my job to make sure she was safe and if I didn't do that then I wasn't obeying God. BUT if she really wanted to move out and get a job, I would entertain the idea for a little bit.

We talked for almost a half-hour about jobs she could apply for with her knowledge and experience gained in her ten years of life, we talked about the lifestyle she would afford based on that kind of income, and we talked about her dreams and future based on moving out and starting her life without the support of parents.
I'd love to tell you that she learned her lesson and immediately hugged and thanked me for all my hard work as her mother...sigh... but she didn't. She's a little stubborn. She eventually stopped discussing the idea with me. I encouraged her to journal.

To this day, I still wrestle with the discontentment in my daughter's heart. Her desire to be the boss and make the rules. The absolute dislike of discipline, school work, and other parenting guidelines in place for her safety. (The maturity will come, I know) But in the meantime, while my children are immature and a little lost in their sin, it is easy to become discouraged and overwhelmed with parenting and feel like giving up! Being completely honest, much like in my marriage, with my children I don't feel love all the time but have to choose love.

But the questions that run through my mind are what get me. What am I doing wrong? Why is my child STILL struggling with this behavior? Why do I not like my child right now? How could I feel this way? And many others that eventually lead me to the killer conclusion: I am a terrible mother. 

It's okay, keep reading. For those of you struggling right now, swallow it down... wipe your face... and keep reading.

When I'm tired from only getting four chopped-up hours of sleep, angry about my child's sin that hurt me, sad because I have to discipline them again in a way that I really don't want to, it is not easy to feel love for them. That is normal!
Sin hurts. Selfishness hurts. And while I teach this to them, and try to be a true example of God's love, I realized pretty quickly in motherhood that the feeling of love doesn't last.

Godly love knows the good and the bad and is committed just the same. His love for us is compassion for us in our weaknesses, graciousness when we offend and hurt Him, faithfulness when we feel like being our own boss or running away, and admiration when we're really struggling to be admirable. 
Human love, however, is based on the moment. It is conditional. It shouldn't be hard work, it should "come easy" and "quickly" and last "forever". Human love is the sum of your feelings. 
As mothers, we will not always feel happy, warm, or loving toward our child. There will be other feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, and disappointment.

I would love to say something to inspire you and to make you excited about motherhood. But the reality is that motherhood is a ministry. You will pour your life into your children because it is what God calls you to do.


Much like any other ministry, you will serve and serve and serve some more and you will do this because it is your calling. There will be good days and bad. There will be days that are hard and then there will be days that are harder, and then there will be one day that is less hard. But you will keep serving your child and family because you know God has given you this task and is ultimately going to bless you for obeying Him.

We, as mothers, are not guaranteed about the fruit our actions will bear. The warning of consequence, raised eyebrows, repeated commands... repeated commands... repeated commands, they all help to train your child in the way they ought to go…but ultimately only God knows the journey your little one will travel. 

You, at times, will feel overwhelmed. Unappreciated or maybe unnoticed. You will feel judged. You will be disappointed in yourself. 

And you will be your own worst critic.

You will have unattainable goals and unrealistic dreams for what kind of mother you will be.

I know, I know. You’re all thinking “Man, this is a bit harsh...” “Maybe this is the wrong season for Cheryl to be sharing about this…”

BUT this is the most important part…the bar you set for yourself, you won’t be able to reach…and that is all part of God’s design. 

God designed ministry to reflect the need men and women have for a Savior, and for the ever-present, living God to be an ongoing part of that ministry. Parenthood, like other ministries, is about selflessness. We cannot be naturally selfless. 

This adventure of parenting will refine you and stretch you in ways God sees that you need to be changed. The only way for you to be the mother you’ve always dreamt you would be, is if you make the Lord your focus. 

You’ve already began experiencing the crazy, bizarre questions and preferences of parenting that you never knew were so important. Such as, bottle or breast, cloth or disposable diapers, vaccines or no vaccines, pacifiers or thumb, stroller or carrier, hospital or home birth, belly or back, and then there’s feeding schedules, sleeping schedules….who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? 

But something I learned very quickly…is take a deep breath. 

Go ahead. Take a deep breath. 

(whispers) Because none of this stuff really matters. 

You can think ahead and plan and plan and plan (and you should think and plan)…but only God knows the journey He has for you and only HE will be able to guide you through it. You make informed decisions and really, experiment on your child, you and your husband use your wisdom and choose your preferences and then you pray and pray and pray for your family.

This is parenthood. Making decisions, experimenting, and praying. We like to think we have it all figured out, that we know the answers. But this is what I know…I know that no matter how hard I try, I will not be the perfect mother. I will have to apologize to my children. And not just apologize but repent. 

I will be humbled over and over again…and so will you. But God will use your baby to fashion and refine you into His beautiful design. He will direct you in the way you need to parent, love, and discipline your child. And He is in control of the outcome.

Some promises in scripture about discipline that I need to remind myself sometimes include…

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 29:17

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Motherhood is a job AND motherhood is a privilege. There is no reason to mislead yourself down the happy road of optimistic (and unrealistic) expectations...it won't get better with time. Parenthood is difficult in every season but rather than worry or become discouraged, you can should pray. God wants you to draw closer to Him, maybe that's why He put you in a ministry that overwhelms you...

You need your God. And He wants you.

Do what you need to in order to remind yourself that you have a God that loves you! He wants you to succeed and gave you the Holy Spirit in order to see you succeed. Put up verses, turn on encouraging music, whatever you need, remember—you have the Holy Spirit. 

Therefore, through the Spirit of God, you have love when you’re hurt, you have joy when you’re sad, you have peace about the future, patience for the sleepless nights, kindness for the controversial conversations, goodness for the moments you really feel like being selfish, faithfulness when you don’t feel like being a Christian, gentleness when you get a little fiery, and self control when the fire e x p l o d e s. 

You can have Godly love for your child all the time, just seek Him and He will help. God chose you to be this child's mother. Say that, the Almighty God who fashioned the heavens, chose me to raise this child. It's not a mistake. It's not an oversight.

Trust Him.

10 things I wish I woulda known about being a wife

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So, I wrote this devotional for a young friend of mine who is getting married this summer. It is more of an inspirational reflection than devotional, but mostly it is just the way I love people. With words.

This post is completely and 100% something I really wish I would have known before getting married, and something I have to remember regularly in my marriage. My wish is that you would not just read it but really think about and apply it to your life. Of course, no one can be prepared for what God has planned but when you are in that moment, the moment you realize your husband isn’t who you thought he was. Or the even worse moment, when you realize you’re not the wife you thought you’d be. Or the worst moment of all, when your marriage goes through something that you really didn’t want and don’t like. That’s when God is at work. And that’s when these ten things I wish I woulda known are a good reminder to us all.

In the beginning of your relationship, everyone thinks their marriage is going to be amazing! Because it is. Duh. It is going to be the biggest blessing of your life! Your husband will balance you in the ways you need, maybe not the ways you want, but he’ll be what you need. He was designed for you, by the Almighty Creator. That is no joke. And while we all have high hopes, dreams, and plans for our marriage to be successful and loving and awesome…we also know that marriage is hard work. 

Lots of marriages can work and even last, but a happy, successful marriage happens when marriage is carried out God’s way. I haven’t been married long, eight years in July (applause), but I can tell you I have learned more about God and His love through my marriage than any other relationship in my life. I can tell you with certainty, if you dedicate your marriage to the Lord, He will bless you. But He will also teach you some very uncomfortable things about yourself. 

And these ten things, ten lessons that I have learned about what I wish I would have known are blessings for you if you’ll take them. And they might help you avoid some of that discomfort in your own marriage. Or at the very least help you through it.

#1. Your words are eternal. You might be thinking that your husband knows exactly how you feel about him. He knows the truth, even if you get into a little disagreement, or maybe a big one. And you say something, under your breath or maybe you make a comment about him in front of others and of course, we all say things we don’t mean. We apologize and we forgive…but do we forget? Before you speak, think. I said many things in the early years of my marriage that I didn’t know would carry as long as they did. 

Words will bear fruit if they are encouraging and loving but harsh words, especially if they’re true but maybe not necessary, will have consequences in future years and last much longer than you ever wanted. This is a warning, be careful what you say. Your words are very important to your mate. He cares most about what you think and feel about him. They will shape how he thinks about himself, you, your marriage, and sometimes other people. Your words have bigger consequences when someone is listening to you, and your husband is listening.

#2. He needs to hear you say yes and no. Sometimes your hubby will ask you for your opinion, and you should absolutely give it to him! You are his soulmate. It is God’s plan that brought the two of you together. BUT give your opinion in the right time, in the right way, and with the right heart. There will be times when you agree and disagree about how to move forward, handle a conflict, or even in making daily decisions-- he needs feedback from you. "Yes, I love it! No, I’m sorry, I don’t think we should buy a boat. I don’t really feel like camping in the rain, again. Absolutely, I think that’s a great idea!” Remember you are his helper. He needs your wisdom at times to make decisions, even if it’s just encouragement in the right way or a soft warning about the wrong. Don’t be silent. And don’t be a “I told you so” wife. Be a helper. Be wise. And be loving.

#3. The two of you are different. This was news to me. When I was getting married, I thought Adam and I were totally on the same page about pretty much everything. Now, granted we were on the same page about the big stuff and that’s all that matters…right? Well, when you’re married, for some reason all those little differences start to add up. And at times, it can feel a little suffocating. Most of us have heard about this, but there are a few differences between male and female. Other than the physical, there are big differences emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. What you like, what irritates you, how you handle pain, how you handle conflict, what you do when you’re frustrated, how you handle disappointment, even how you worship the Lord. These are all situations that you will encounter in your life together, and you may or may not be on the same page.

Story time: Adam and I love to road trip. We have been on so many road trips, I wouldn’t even be able to count them. I remember on our most recent road trip there was a moment that was quiet. The kids were getting over their sugar-high and starting to fall asleep. The music was pretty low and I was daydreaming about my marriage. I was thinking about how sovereign God is and how great it is that I married a man that totally gets me. He balances me. It’s awesome! And then, Adam asked me five little precious words, “What are you thinking about?” And I thought, (sigh) the love of my life. He wants to have a conversation with me....Now, I’m a words person. I love to hear what people are thinking. And I love long conversations that are meaningful. So here I am, married to a man that gets me and WANTS to talk to me. So I answer. “Marriage.” (BIG SMILE) and then there’s a pause. Because we’re just so on the same page, I can feel it.... We’re going to have this awesome moment of connection. And as I sit in my awesome moment with my husband, I then ask, “What are you thinking about?” And he answers, without hesitation….”Sunflower seeds.” Yes, my husband, even after being prompted by my topic choice of marriage, chose to tell me that he was thinking deeply about sunflower seeds. And I’ll tell you…it was actually pretty perfect. It really just made me bust out laughing. And that was it. That WAS the conversation. Talk about balance. Here I was 100 feet deep in romantic seriousness, and Adam was thinking about the complexities of life’s most trivial snack, sunflower seeds.

As you and your husband figure each other out over the years, keep in mind that you will have similarities and differences. You will have things in common and you will have differences in your preferences. And this is part of God’s design. Don’t mess with it. It’s on purpose. Don’t try and make him like you. And don’t try and be like him. Don’t expect that he’s going to do, think, or feel something the same way you do. Sure, at times you’ll balance each other out and sometimes you might rub off on each other, but you gotta stay true to who you are if you want to be the wife God wants you to be.

#4. He cannot read your mind. This took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out. And in fact, I still might be guilty of this every now and then. We humans want intimacy, and we want to feel understood. But despite what he might tell you or lead you to believe, your husband is not a superhero, he’s not a magician, he doesn’t have special mind-reading powers, he is not God. He doesn’t know your thoughts. And he doesn’t know the desires of your heart, unless you share them with him. If you feel like chinese food or if you want him to buy you a card, be specific about what you want. Let him learn who you really are, not who you want to be. 

There is a balance to this, sometimes we should keep our thoughts to ourselves. Sometimes our thoughts are not very loving…okay they’re not loving at all. There will be a sense of comfort in your marriage, and it is supposed to be there. You’re supposed to grow familiar with each other. But with the familiar, there is a big difference from a dating relationship where there are a lot of unknowns to a marriage relationship where you share a bedroom, a home, the sink, the couch, everything. This change in your relationship means a little less mystery.  This doesn’t mean that you wear sweatpants every day and don’t put on lip gloss for your man just because he’s gonna kiss it off. You still have to put effort into your relationship, and he will still have to put effort into figuring you out. But again, he can’t read your thoughts. If you want something, or really need something from him, tell him. With kind words. Again, in the right time, in the right way, and with the right heart.

#5. He is not going to complete you. No matter how loving he is and how perfect and wonderful, and all the other things you think about your husband, he will never be enough for you. You are supposed to have a longing for your husband. Take care of this. Go on regular dates, and make time for intimacy, spend time walking together and talking about your thoughts. But remember your Savior. If you want to feel understood or have deep connection, you have it right in front of you. All the time. You have Jesus. 

The only way you will be able to love your spouse in a selfless, baby I love you even though you never put your dirty clothes in the hamper kinda love, is gonna be with the help of Jesus. You will need the love of God to have love for your man. And even with all the love your hubby could give, you’ll still have a deeper longing. Many women complain about not having a connection to their husband, and I think really they’re going to the wrong man. I’ve known many women who were married to unbelieving men and still able to have deep intimacy with their Savior and have a working marriage. Now, hopefully your hubby is walking with the Lord, and everyone wants more than a working marriage. So remember your husband, remember the needs of your marriage, and remember that you will always need and always have your God.

#6. He’s going to need your attention more than you think. I was under the impression that getting married to a Godly, Christian, handsome, awesome guy would mean that he wouldn’t be tempted to look in the other direction. I thought that by the time we got married, he would have dealt with this temptation or would think I was so awesome that temptation would just *poof* evaporate. (shrug) I also thought that I would never be tempted. ---It’s not true. Don’t deceive yourself. Temptation has nothing to do with who you are and what you do. We are promised to have temptation in life and this is not sin. But in marriage, one of the awesome things we GET to do is help prepare each other for the temptations of the world. 

If you’re not making time for your husband in the bedroom, you’re not preparing him for what’s waiting for him outside of your home. And likewise, if you’re not sharing yourself with your husband, your whole self, you’re much more likely to find yourself running to romantic novels, movies, or even emotional affairs that turn into more. This is the real world. And the world doesn’t care about your marriage or purity. Satan wants to drive a wedge between you and your husband. We all know that a lot of marital conflict comes from fighting about sex and money. So share your money, and share your bodies, and all will be well. :) It’s your job to protect him. And if you don’t then neither one of you will be safe.

#7. Loving your husband will become a choice, and at times will not be a feeling.  So, you know that incredible falling-in-love experience. Where you just feel so great to be around the person and everything they say and do you just think is the absolute best? They really DO NO wrong. And even the little things that might be road bumps on your happy love journey, they just work out! Well, it won’t always feel like this. Actually, it won’t ever feel like this unless you choose to feel like this. 

Loving your man in the beginning was kind of easy and at times happens more easily. When he makes the right choice, leads you in the right direction, when he makes you laugh, or whispers how much he loves and appreciates you, or even when he tells you you’re beautiful ALL the time (even when you know you could look better). Loving him used to just happen. And whatever he said and did, you always gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought about what a great guy you got! 

But after marriage begins, for some reason, this is not our first reaction as wives. We typically have a harder time giving the benefit of the doubt. Always reading into things and being upset about something that they may or may not have actually done. Your feelings as a wife, somewhere in the early years go from “absolutely in love” to “absolutely... crazy”. I don’t know why, maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s that we’re more vulnerable. But I have heard from many wives that their husbands say wonderful things to them but the wife kinda dismisses it because they feel he has to say that. That’s not how we felt before marriage, but like I said, we get a little crazy. 

Remember to not be driven by your feelings. Feelings are important, and God created them to set us apart in creation in order to properly live for and worship Him, however, the feeling of love flutters in and out of your life. Don’t let this feeling carry you in and out of your marriage. It will. You will always have a choice to love your hubby or dismiss your marriage; choose to love your husband despite your feelings. Choose to honor him and respect him because God made him your husband. 

No matter the decisions he makes, or the words he does or doesn’t say, whether or not the two of you are getting along, you can still choose to love him. And a little hint, your heart will always follow your thoughts and words. If you think about the good things and speak about the good things, you’ll feel good things toward your husband. :)

#8. You will have to choose to be content. Have you noticed how when we become adults, somehow our lives turn into a big to-do list? And the only thing you can think about is the next thing on the list? Graduate high school, apply to college or get a job, pay the bills, find a man, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have some kids, on and on and on. Before you know it, you start blaming your discontentment on the fact that you’re on number three on your list instead of number five. Or once you complete something, you don’t even take time to enjoy, just on to the next. 

When Adam and I got engaged, there was a lot of drama going on. Drama with friends, family, the church, and for some reason I just decided to become this Hurry-up Harriet about everything. I was in a hurry to do my hair, hurry to go to the store, I was in a hurry to go to bed, I was in a hurry really to get married! Well, once I was married, I didn’t take time to enjoy my marriage. I just hurried along and then I began to rush rush rush Adam everywhere. 

It was so stressful, not to mention I never took time to just be content in the NOW. I know this sounds like a self-help message, be in the NOW, but God has different seasons in life for a reason, to make us strong, wise, and awesome women for Him and His glory. Every time we hurry along, we hurry right through our life and we end up missing precious time that God set aside on purpose. 

Now, I’m not saying you should be 15 minutes late for everything. And I’m also not saying that planning for the future and being excited about the future is wrong. Dreaming together is great, and it’s one of my favorite things to do with my husband. But smiling and laughing now is important for the health of your marriage. Just smiling at each other and holding hands. Enjoying today while looking forward to tomorrow. There will be rough seasons in your future and there will always be something to distract you from the joy you could have now. Enjoy each day. Make a point to be content in this season, whatever season that is.

#9. Your husband is going to change. Over time, things will happen in your marriage that you will not be prepared for. When Adam and I were first were married, we had a plan! We thought we had it all figured out. Well, when you dedicate your marriage to the Lord, it’s amazing how He will use it. And how He will take control when you forget He is in control. In our first year of marriage, we had our identities stolen and lost all our money on a day we had bills due and groceries to buy, we took in a toddler who needed a home and moved so we could accommodate, we became property managers while working full time and going to school full time, then we had to lose our family when our toddler moved out, and this was all in ONE year. One very long, full year. 

Now, most couples go through hardships in the first few years. Be prepared for this to shape and change your marriage, you, and your husband. The man you marry will grow and change, he will not stay the same. Some of the change might be good, some might be a little hard. It will be your job to make sure he holds onto the good in who God created him to be. 

I remember a time when Adam was really disappointed about our life, it was right after our first miscarriage. He was helpless. He couldn’t protect me the way he thought (men always think they can protect us from all hardships, they’re so cute), and he felt that he had failed me in some way. Now, this wasn't anything I said or did. He just was down and he needed to be reminded of who he was in Christ. So, I got to! 

I told him who he was when I married him, how he had changed in good ways and stayed the same in good ways, and how he had never failed me and that this was God’s doing and on purpose. Of course, this wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth in the middle of a trial…but it came eventually. Being married is super fun! You get to watch as your husband becomes more and more of the man God wants him to be. And you get to be a part of it! :) 

Something I wish I would have known is that the man I married was going to change and that I shouldn’t expect him to stay the same forever. A lot of disagreements and frustrations were because I was so impatient and wanted him to be mature and amazing at everything right now! But a beautiful marriage takes time. You and your hubby need to grow into a rhythm.  And the hard things you go through together will strengthen your marriage and make you unbreakable, if you go through them focused on the Lord. 

There will be many opportunities to help each other grow. As you both go through situations in life, you can help each other and support each other in the ways you need and the ways God commands.  Be patient with your husband and be patient with yourself, because God will help the two of you become the spouses you need.  God will change your hubby over time and reveal more of who your husband is to you as he becomes more of the man God wants him to be. And you will change in your marriage. You will not stay the same, which is good. But hold onto the things about you that God put there and try to be patient with yourself as God changes you into the wife your husband needs.

#10. He is not your only spiritual leader. Last but NOT least, the thing I wish I would have known number ten is that my husband is not my only spiritual leader. In fact, he is not even my primary spiritual leader. We are to follow Christ first, our husband second. It’s important to not use your hubby as an excuse to drift in your relationship with the Lord.  Don’t forget about your relationship with the Lord, there will be times when you need it. 

It’s important that you and your hubby pray together, thank God together, read together, have fellowship with each other and reflect on God’s goodness. But if for a season you are finding that your husband doesn’t lead you this way, and perhaps is just busy or maybe not making time for the Lord as he should, you are not allowed to use this as an excuse to not spend regular time with the Lord yourself. You can hold him accountable and you should as his helper, but you can’t take over as being the spiritual leader. If your hubby isn’t doing the job he needs to, gently tell him, pray for him, and remember your God. 

When life gets busy, hard, sad, happy, smooth, God wants to be there for you! If you have something in your relationship with your husband that bothers you, I mean, it might happen maybe that something will bother you in the far far future about your husband, you can always pray about it. :) Remember you have a God that loves you, cares for you, wants to hear from you and see you do well. He has given us the Holy Spirit because He wants to see us succeed in a mighty way! 

The Holy Spirit can give you patience, kindness, love, and joy when you need it. He can also give you wisdom to discern how to speak to your husband. Taking your cares and concerns to him in a loving and gentle way, or maybe in a fiery, firm, but respectful way. There are times for both but discernment is key! Your husband is called to be the spiritual leader but if he doesn’t lead you in the way you need to be led, don’t use this time that your husband might be struggling as an excuse to be lazy. And maybe your husband is an excellent spiritual leader (Praise the Lord!) and the two of you share awesome fellowship. But make sure that this isn’t the only time you have time with the Lord. Because when he is gone all day, or if he leaves for a bit of time, you’ll want to keep communion with your God so that you don’t struggle with sin or are tempted beyond what you can handle. 

I have found that in every hard season of our marriage, when Adam and I were really struggling to get along, it was also a season I wasn’t making time for the Lord that I needed to. I was looking at Adam as my spiritual leader and forgetting about my Lord and Savior who led me long before Adam ever did. 

So there are the ten things I wish I would have known. Now you can go and be perfectly prepared for your entire marriage! :) Ha! Yeah right. 

I don’t know if you’re a stubborn person, but Adam and I are both pretty stubborn people. I’m usually stubborn because I’m right. And Adam is usually stubborn because he is also somehow right….? I don’t really get it either, but I think two stubborn, young, know-it-alls living under the same roof is fantastic! It is God’s way of forcing you to become more like Jesus. You have to really practice what you preach about being a Christian. That is why if you're married, your marriage is the number one ministry of your life. 

If you love Jesus, then you need to work things out with your husband. Your relationship with him is going to be the most important ministry of your life because it’s going to reflect your relationship with the Lord. And the greatest thing is that God gives us daily opportunities to put someone else first. Before our feelings, before our wants, we get the opportunity to serve and love someone else as a way of serving God. 

We can’t be prepared for everything, but in marriage, we can walk through life with the Lord at our side. To catch us, direct us, cheer us on when we do well and to redirect us when we get a little off the path. Just don’t forget that God brought you here to this stage in your life because He loves you and your husband, has a plan for both of you, and wants to lead you both and see you succeed every step of the way.