when you’re distracted from the hunger

Last year, I started devoting more attention to creating healthy boundaries in my life. Being responsible for my behavior. Learning to choose joy and separate my feelings from others who don’t. Worrying less, being angry less, and people-pleasing less. But most importantly, learning what it is that God actually wants for me and what I want for me. 

I have been learning a great deal about myself through the many trials God has used to refine me. Some more painful than others. When my child is suffering and not getting better. When I get blamed for something that is and is not my fault. (It’s always easier when it’s just simply not my problem) When I am in the “unknown” and really the “unsure” and don’t know how to get out. 

I’ve been so thankful for the many ways God loves me and shows me His love. One of the biggest life lessons I’ve been gifted recently is that we all have a hunger for God. 

Sometimes we replace it with business or marriage. Sometimes we fill it with plans and dreams for our family. Sometimes we get busy and schedule through it without realizing that what we really need is more time not just with Him, but more time recognizing Him. 

If God is always with us, then we can’t really spend time away from Him. We cannot hide from Him nor be without Him in any way. 

However, we can spend time feeding our hunger for Him with other things.

It’s kind of how our bodies may be hungry for protein and we eat empty carbs. This is a lesson many of us learn the hard way many times over. (Mmm hostess)

But after that *raspberry zinger* (or two) you realize, what you really needed were some healthy fats and proteins. And after about thirty minutes or so, you’re hungry again and you’re looking for something else to satisfy. 

Through the counsel I’ve received and life changes I’ve recently made, I have found myself to struggle less with my children. HALLELUJAH! I have been yelling less and slower to anger, Praise the Lord! However, I have also found I have been forced to my knees less. I have cried less. I have cried out less. It has made me question where I am, in what season. It’s so wonderful to personally struggle less in a time of trial, to be more trusting and less anxious. 

However, it makes it so that I have to be very intentional in my walk with the Lord. To feed my spiritual hunger appropriately rather than foolishly keep myself so busy that I am distracted from the hunger. 

The suffering, sorrow, and anguish is gone, so bring on the craft time? Bring on my health? Bring on my financial success? Bring on the ministry? Bring on family time? 

All of these things can be wonderful and bear beautiful fruit in life, especially when given at the throne. However, nothing…nothing compares to Him.

Remind yourself who you are in Christ. Remind yourself that you should be hungry for Him; in trials and in peace, in suffering and in celebration. Hungry because He made you and loves you. Spending time recognizing Him. Talking to Him, learning about Him, sharing Him, and worshipping Him. 

God, Your Creator. Your Father. Your Savior. Your Friend. Your Master.

Psalm 63:1
O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.

confessions from a stay-at-home mom who needs Jesus

In the last year, I have been faced with more trials and difficult situations than ever before in my life. As a mother, you learn your children are really given to you to fashion you into His likeness, amen? I didn't realize how unfashionable I was. I thought, for the most part, that I could be a good mother and wife as long as I focus on Christ and let Him guide me through life situations. The truth being that I can't be a good anything. Only Christ in me is good and able to do good.

Recently, I was at a low point and someone said to me, "You just look like you have it all together so I never would have known you were struggling." This really pierced my heart.
What about me looks like I  have it "together"? The fact that I'm dressed? Or maybe that I'm out in public? What does together mean?

Honestly, there were so many times in the last fourteen months that I've just wanted to hide. Not shower, not get out of bed, not eat, everyday forcing myself to get up and get moving. So it really bothered me that not only did people have a completely FALSE perception of my reality, but that somehow I still look like I have my life together, even when I'm at the end of myself.
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This is Jesus. Jesus is who happens when you come to the end of you.
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I have four children on earth and two in Heaven.
My eldest is recently a teenager ...yes, I'd love your prayers...and she has a past filled with neglect, abuse, lies, and abandonment. My heart hurts for her on a regular basis.
The problem is that somehow, in the crazy mix up of everything, when anything bad happens in your child's life, you (the mom) get blamed. All you young moms, pay attention.
Things that have nothing to do with you, somehow will be your fault in your child's eyes and heart. They will be MAD at you. They will gossip about you. And they will say sorry and expect immediate forgiveness and zero consequence. Some of what they say will be true, those words hurt more.

I've been thinking of things I struggle with, things I see in my home and behavior that I think, "If only so-and-so could see me now, they wouldn't think I had it all together...". They wouldn't compare but rather relate.
So, I'm stepping way outside my comfort zone for that mom out there who also falls apart regularly and needs something (Someone) stronger and more permanent to keep her together. The mom that feels like she can't relate with another mom...or maybe that she can't relate with me.

Here are some confessions from a stay-at-home mom who doesn't have it together:

1. I have overcooked food on multiple occasions, two of which I caught food on fire in my oven because I was disciplining my children out of anger. My anger ruined dinner. Literally.
2. I cannot even count how many times I've over boiled veggies or oatmeal because I'm a basket case and completely forgot about the food on the stove. No big deal. It's just my family, home, belongings, etc.
3. I scream/yell/ask for forgiveness on a regular basis. (Less than I used to, but still do) I don't know what it is about raising my voice, it doesn't make me feel better. And yet, I do it.
4. I've convinced my children that "special" dinners include all the easy foods like grilled cheese and canned soup, or quesadillas, and not only are they "special" but I made them because I love my children. (I really made them because I was tired, busy or lazy)
5. I have let my boys watch hours of cartoons just so I can have peace while making dinner and have a break from disciplining my children.
6. I frequently wrestle lies like "God made a mistake giving me kids", "I'm messing my children up", or "They'd be better off without me". 
7. There's a trench in my backyard from all the laps my children have had to run because of bad behavior. A trench. Around the entire perimeter.
8. There are times when all my neighbors probably think my kids are in danger. There are other times they might think I am in danger lol. Both are untrue.
9. I frequently define myself by my completed tasks even though I know this isn't the gospel, nor is it how God sees me.
10. I speak legalism over my kids instead of the freedom in Christ that we can have, even though I know better and fight legalistic thoughts and behaviors in my own life.
11. I have to force myself to show affection to my children once they are no longer babies.
12. When my children mimic me, it is only seriousness, never playfulness. 
13. There are days I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I might completely lose it. Those are my done days. I'm just done.
14. I over talk issues. (looks around) Yup
15. I buy a coffee sometimes just for adult interaction. And also because it's coffee.
16. I leave my Bible open in places around my house because it's more likely that I will read it if it's open already. That's how lazy I am.
17. Many of my prayers throughout the day are 1 to 3 words like, "Are you kidding?" "Okay, Lord!" "Somebody help." ...Jesus, angels, anybody, I don't care who...right? That's not biblical. Just to clarify.
18. I kick box because I have anger issues. I have for many years.
19. Sometimes I eat my children's treats as payment when they disobey me. In front of them. And it's delicious.
20. I make my children rub my back, feet, arms or hands when they're mean to me. This happens often which is probably why I look relaxed even though I'm not. 
21. I regularly let my dishes build up to about three days worth.
22. I use dry shampoo as long as I can. 
23. I don't vacuum my multicolored carpet because everything blends.
24. I don't make meals for my freezer but I dream of it and think of it often.
25. I'm terribly insecure about what my kids think of me.
26. I have a hard time forgiving when I know I will be offended again. 
27. On multiple occasions, I have left the house with deodorant applied only to one arm.
28. I have also left the house with only one earring in and the other left on the dresser.
29. I work a part time job as a healthy distraction from difficulties in life that require patience.
30. I withhold presents from my children as ransom for good behavior, changed behavior, or other consequences.

This list could be longer but I think you get the picture.

For anyone who plays the "comparison" game. Don't. We're all in this together, and the longer I'm a mom and the older and more complicated my kids get, the more I meet amazing women who love Jesus and have totally surrendered all of their crazy over to Him.

We can relate with each other in our shortcomings. In the ways we fall short of the glory of God, we can come alongside each other and praise the God who is mighty. In our weakness is His strength.

Jesus is able. No matter what your situation or how difficult this season is for you. He is able.

Jesus is the reason I look like ANYthing resembling togetherness. Jesus is the reason I force myself to eat breakfast and get my kids up. Jesus is who holds my life together when everything is crashing into pieces of explosive terribleness. Jesus keeps me holding on. He gives me the strength to keep going and sometimes even have a good day. Jesus gives me peace when there is WAR in my home and heart. Jesus loves me when I've been hated, rejected, or feel alone. Jesus gives me the words when I'm exhausted and don't know what to say. And He comforts me when I'm worried about things I cannot even verbalize. He knows my heart and goes before me. He is able and He can when I can't.

When you come to the end of yourself, don't fret.  Enjoy the place of humility where grace comes into your life and totally takes over. With tears, try to rest in Him. This is the gospel. 

Let Him be what others see. Be honest about who you are without Him.

Let Him be the strength you need in your trial. 

when your child is hurting & you have no solution

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Many wise women have passed on sayings to me such as, "Children are meant for our sanctification and growth", or "Children raise you", something that basically sums up the inevitable change and at times, violent shove that our children give us into a more selfless and better version of ourselves. Not only that, but the refining that happens allows us to better understand God in His love for us.

Starting with new born babies who need us for everything from changing their clothes, washing their bodies, feeding them and calming them down only so that they can burp to grown children who need counsel in situations we cannot prepare for, control or predict, and have no idea how painful they will be or how long they will last; we, as parents, are bombarded with the false idea that we are in control.

One reason parenting is the hardest job in the world is because you go from being told you have all the control over your child (safety measures, life lessons, ABC's, nutrition, modesty, education, etc.) and what happens to your child (environment, play dates, baby sitter choices, car seats, doctor check-ups, etc.) to aggressively and quickly realizing that you have NO control over who your child becomes and what their path might include.
No matter how thoughtful or dedicated you are as a parent, you cannot save your child from hurt and heart break. You cannot make all the pain go away. Kissing the boo-boos only helps for a season, and after time, you realize you're in desperate need of something or someone more powerful than you to help your child.

This is where the worldly parent plays the blame game and ultimately does more harm or gives up. The moment a child suffers, humans rush to find blame and point fingers only to realize that identifying what's wrong is only half the battle. The real hardship is when the marathon is half over and you're tired and lacking faith that you'll finish and THIS is when you're in need of a solution. Not just a fault or a label, but a real solution for the pain. A solution in which you are still the parent your child needs. The secular mind finds "solutions" like detaching from their child(ren), redefining the relationship as one with no parental guidance out of desperation, drinking, eating, or even staying busy for a distraction, or using modern medicine or secular psychology to try to understand and treat their child's problem.

If your child has a health issue, of course, try to find a health solution. But I can't tell you how many times people have rubbed the latest and greatest all over my child to help them with their anxiety, rather than pointing them to Jesus. It's like Job's friends who came to visit him, "There's got to be a reason and solution for this pain."

Sometimes even for the Christian parent it is only after we've attempted our legalistic ideas of controlling the outcome of our children that we go to prayer. Don't you love this? As soon as something goes wrong, even the church falls into the trap of playing the blame game and giving false solutions. If the problem or pain is coming from a physical, emotional, or behavioral problem, how many people do you know that immediately suggest a remedy? And how many times have you foolishly suggested an answer for a problem you didn't fully understand? However, with a true Christian parent, you have grace from the Holy Spirit, who (Thank You, God) convicts us of our insensitivity and helps us to listen, have compassion, seek His Word, and go to prayer. He reminds us of our true hope. AND He gives perspective for the pain so that we can relate with each other.

Faith might be lacking or weak at times, but the sovereignty of God is all we can put our hope in. The true message that because of Christ, we have an answer (and purpose) for the pain.
Our answer (even though hard to swallow): Have faith that God is in control.

I write this with a humbled and broken heart over my pride.
I truly believed that making the right decisions and caring enough for my children would help them get through whatever hardships they might face.
I believed I was enough. Of course, that's not what I would say. I'd say it takes "the Lord".
However, I live(d) like I should be enough. I expect(ed) that I should be enough.

Some of you might be in this boat still (or getting in and out). Planning and deciding who your child may become with faith that doing the right thing produces sure results. Or even blaming whatever pain your child is going through on one particular "for instance" and forgetting how God orchestrated and used pain in your life, maybe not for a purpose that was easy to see.
The truth is, you need to ask yourself who is in control.

Over and over again, I battle with believing I'm in control of my life. I go back and forth between God is in control to Okay, I got it from here. And over and over again God brings me to the end of myself.

This year alone, I have been faced with so many situations where I had nothing to give. No kindness, no patience, no solution, no words of wisdom... Just brokenness, exhaustion, deep breaths, long gazes, lots of tears, and prayers, prayers, prayers. It has been reassurance to me that God is with me always, as I have still been able to be friendly, kind, patient, etc. in times when I really didn't want to be.

When I come to the end of myself, God does His finest work. All the pain has done just what it was designed to do...bring me to my knees before a loving God who has a plan. When you lose faith in His plan, you lose faith in an eternal outcome of goodness.

My prayers have become deeper out of desperation for answers. My time with the Lord has become more frequent out of need and survival through hard times. My need for and love of worship has grown in order to drown out all the lies in my mind and those spoken around me. And in the darkest, most painful moments, I speak scripture into my life...

"I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." Help me Lord, to "lay aside every burden and the sin which so easily entangles me, and let me run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Help me to "consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that I will not grow weary and lose heart." Amen.

Psalm 121:1-2 & Romans 12:1-3

the pride in "my plan"

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Pregnancy is one of the fragile times of life where we learn the balance between planning and trusting. You're responsible for caring for yourself and your baby to the best of your ability, however, unforeseen and unplanned things can happen that are completely out of our control causing a breakdown or sometimes aggressive change to our plan. And ultimately push us to trust in the Lord for His outcome. (We realize we are not really in control, and never have been)

There are many times in life that require this same approach. Any season that requires life planning;  college and career choices, engagement, marriage, family planning, job choosing, financial planning, even caring for our families in meals we make and the education we provide to our children, etc. There are times where we are required to research and make a responsible plan for whatever God has called us to do...however, He uses that plan almost immediately for His sovereign design of your life. And in ways you cannot plan for.

You think you're going shopping at the store, only to run into someone who is in need of encouragement. You plan to seek a career in a specific field, only to find that the first interest led you to an even greater career you love. You plan to marry the man of your dreams by a certain age, only to find yourself still waiting to meet him three years after your planned wedding. You plan to have two or three children by the time you're thirty, only to find yourself unable to carry a baby of your own and you only have one year left. You plan to have plenty of money by saving and investing for your future only to find yourself in the middle of an unforeseen circumstance that has drained your accounts...the list goes on and can have both positive and seemingly negative outcomes.

While there is nothing wrong with planning, there sure is a lot of pride that can be wrapped up in each part of our plan.

God requires us to plan, to be wise, to consider different outcomes, to work hard, and to pray and trust Him to lead us. However, God also requires flexibility and humility. He doesn't just require it, He forces it in the most loving way in order to sanctify us; to make us holy.

Between prenatals, appointments, lists, to-dos, plans for parenting, birthing/breastfeeding classes, and all the shopping and projects we can keep ourselves busy with, how much of what we do is really about us and our perfect plan for our lives?
Instead of pregnancy, let's think more generally. What about buying a house, starting a business, or even just eating healthier and working out. Nothing is "wrong" with any of these plans, but we must ask ourselves, is what we're doing about living a life fully trusting the Lord and living in worship of Him? AND giving Him the glory of the outcome? OR is it about us, our pride, and how responsible we are in all the things we do? How awesome our outcome is because we are awesome?

Recently, I've watched a lot of young people start to get wrapped up in their plans. Financial, family planning, marriage, parenting, education, and even their physical health. If there is a best way to do something, they know it and put it out for the world to see.

THIS NEW THING will save you, your family, your marriage, your life, your attitude, etc. Buy this product, read this book, do this project, eat this food, be this kind of mom, be this kind of wife, put your money here, plan, plan plan and then look at how awesome you are. What a false message of pride. And completely contrary to the gospel.

If there is nothing good in us, then how does something good come out of us? By the grace of God. By His gifting and purpose. By His work in us.

It is by the mercy of God alone that anyone has anything good in their life. You can plan, work hard, marry someone amazing, raise your children right, and still your life turns out to be a giant, complicated mess that challenges you in ways that keep you looking at the cross. This is His divine plan. But it's not simple, clean, or easy.
It's hard, it hurts at times, and it challenges you in ways to keep you growing.
Be careful how much faith you put in yourself. In your plan.

And for those of you learning this lesson right now, this lesson of pain in times where you thought you were prepared, remember God is working in this pain. He is divinely working on you and your heart and will work in others too (hopefully) with time.

We are called to boast in what the Lord has done, not in our worldly efforts (no matter how fruitful they might seem). I'm happy for you if your life has been a smooth ride, especially if you've been working at being responsible and making decisions wisely. But being wise isn't the goal, being successful isn't the goal.

Glorifying Him in all seasons is the goal. Using His wisdom and letting Him guide you doesn't mean your life will work out the way you've planned. Or that the outcome will be pleasant. In truth, it means you will end up right where He wants you...which is very comforting when life gets difficult because you know He put you there.

Colossians 3:12-19
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works so that no one may boast.

1 John 2:15-17
Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father in not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. 

true salvation, no matter the age

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This morning I went into the bathroom to help my son get ready for church. He was just finishing on the toilet (4 years old) and needed some *ahem* assistance. I won't describe the details.
However, he said to me something so precious, I will never forget it. He told me that he was praying just now and asked God to be in his heart so that Satan wasn't the boss anymore. He explained that he didn't want Satan to be inside of him and that he wanted God to be there instead. (Hold your judgment please, we didn't exactly teach him that Satan was his boss, but I guess that's how he interpreted it)

As I tried to control my excitement, (and get rid of my guilt from missing this moment), I just let him talk for a bit so that I could be sure of where his heart was. He also asked why his dad asked Jesus to be in his heart when he was little and did it again later. I corrected him and stated that Dad asked the Lord into his life when he was a little boy and later asked the Lord to help him follow God's commands. I explained that you don't need to ask God to come into your life more than once, however, you will need His help daily in order to obey and follow God. Then we hugged and called the whole family to the bathroom to celebrate. We explained the function of the physical heart and the design of the soul (to the best of our abilities) and how we really have the Lord in our souls when we receive salvation.

I have been convicted that it is my responsibility and duty as a mother to teach my children about the Lord Jesus Christ. We know in scripture it says to teach future generations diligently about who the Lord is at all times.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Deuteronomy 6:5-7

We want our children to have salvation for the sake of their soul and life purpose. They need a Savior the same way we do and they need a Lord. A Ruler, a Boss, someone in charge to give guidelines and boundaries for their own good and safety. And Someone who loves them with a pure, faithful love more than they can ever be loved by another.

So, where did we get this idea of "asking Jesus into our hearts"? Or that the ABC's of salvation is enough as a one time decision? Where is the repentance and when does asking the Lord Jesus to be your Savior turn into a daily decision to follow Him and listen to His Word.

Salvation is not a super simple process but it is supernatural. Which means we can't control or fully understand it. Salvation comes from the Lord. And PRAISE GOD we are not masters of things we don't understand.  The ironic thing about salvation is that we can spend years trying to teach our children about Christ and our child can decide to follow Him, without assistance from us, on the toilet with God. Maybe it's a good thing I wasn't with him, after all? (rhetorical)

The Bible teaches us to walk by faith in this life (2 Corinthians 5:7). That the Holy Spirit guides us in obedience of God's Word (Ezekiel 36:27) And that when we don't respond to conviction of sin, it leads to spiritual death. (Psalm 32:3) We also read that we are called to do and not just hear the Word of God (James 1:22-24).

Of course, most Christians (and I mean people who actually follow after Christ) know this already. But unless you really identify these biblical principles in your home, explain and model to your children what true salvation is, they could be misled for many years about what a relationship with God looks like. It is not acceptable for children or adults to make a decision one time and have no change in their life or heart, to live however you like but put your "church-face" on for Sunday and Wednesday. It is equally unacceptable to teach the religious idea of worship without life change from a relationship. If we are called to follow and worship Christ, we do it all day, everyday (even if we do it poorly). There is no perfection here yet, only persistence. 

Daily living with the Lord should show that we have a desire to learn more about the Lord, reading and studying His Word, while seeking fellowship with His people. That out of worship of our Lord, we want to do these things. Not to earn anything and not to work on being more holy. Listening to uplifting media and music because it encourages our soul and keeps our focus on Him, not because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

I don't want to be one to speak legalism into anyone's life. I am speaking merely the truth of the Gospel. Jesus said that the Holy Spirit does ALL the work in your heart, soul, mind, and body (John 16:13-14). From salvation to sanctification to glorification; it's all supernatural and controlled by a sovereign God. The process of sanctification, where God cleans up all the mess in us and makes us holy, happens over time and is completed the day our physical bodies die.
It doesn't happen quickly. Refining takes time.

I used to think that every year of my walk with the Lord should be different and better from the last, but then God reminded of so many examples of scripture where people had to wait years for a promised child in order to learn patience or be persecuted for years in prison in order to learn faithfulness. The point is, He doesn't stop working in you and He doesn't take a break until you need it. If you're exhausted from God working in your life, that's a good thing (painful but good).

With all this said, this morning we celebrated the beginning of a relationship with the Lord. The beginning of individual conviction and communication with the Lord that was led by the Lord. And we should celebrate when someone is moved by the Holy Spirit to make decisions that honor God. However, now we encourage not just admission of sin, belief in Jesus Christ as Savior, and a commitment to follow Him but also repentance of sin (meaning actually turning from sin when God points it out to you) and following Him daily and not just when it's convenient or easy.
We encourage this just by loving Him (with ALL our heart, soul, and might). Keeping our focus right, as witnesses of what He has done in us.

It's a decision as soon as you open your eyes in the morning and prepare to close your eyes at night, whether it happens when you hit your feet on the floor, have your first sip of coffee, or say good night to your family and have a few quiet moments in bed before sleeping. A reflection on who God has been for me in my life. My precious Savior, thinking about exactly what He saved me from. And then seeking what God has for me to do today or tomorrow before making my plans.
This reflection allows for His mercies to be new every morning. And it helps me to talk about him "when I sit in my house and when I walk by the way and when I lie down and when I rise up", whatever I do that He receives glory (Colossians 3:17).

Even in my failures and my dense moments (and we all have them), God is faithful to remind me of what He has done in me and for me through His Son, Jesus Christ. He is able to right my wrongs and forgive my sins and still love me while giving me perspective, understanding, and opportunity for hope in my everyday situations. In His time, He makes all things perfect while perfecting us (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and it brings glory and honor to Him.
Which is the goal of the heart that receives salvation, a heart renewed and repurposed to love the Savior and follow the Lord, thus being a witness and leading to true salvation of others.

asking for needed help when you don't want to

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I can tell God has something to say to me when it keeps coming up in multiple conversations with different people. Part of me wants to assume it's a conspiracy and somehow all the people in my life have secret meetings to discuss how they want to persuade me...but that part of me is the backwoods Alaskan who's a bit paranoid.

Recently, I was asked if I have a hard time asking for help. 

For some reason, all the loving people who have told me this for years didn't really make a difference in my thinking. But when a friend asked me to analyze myself this way and try to figure out the reason why, it had a different affect.

Do I have a hard time asking for help? And why?

As a mom, I push myself until I'm absolutely at my wits end. Until I discipline my kids so much and so often that I'm exhausted and want to throw each of my children in the snow (of course there's no snow this year, so there's that). Or until I start making pancakes for dinner out of desperation for something easy. They are protein-packed pancakes, of course. That's healthy, right? Sure is.

Being a mom and staying with your kids 24/7 can be the type of job that overwhelms you in a matter of hours. It doesn't take weeks or months for you to start daydreaming your next break. 

There are several reasons I don't ask for help: 

1. I believe I should be able to do it on my own. (out of my own pride)
2. I don't want to burden someone else with my load. (stubbornness in not sharing the load)
3. I'm embarrassed about the issues my family or I struggle with. (fear of judgment)
4. I tend to be more of a private person with my issues. (growing up not relying on others)
5. I don't trust people. (hanging on to past hurts)

Does anyone relate with this?

Sure, stubbornness can be a very good thing when standing for what's right. And doing things on your own can make you stronger. But something's wrong if you think having help or needing help is wrong.

So, here's the humbling message God has shared with me this week. 

People who love you want to bless you. They are thinking about you and praying for you even when you don't ask.

They want to help.

And you need it.

Either ask or take them up on their offer.

As I write this, I have a hard time holding back tears. Humility can be a painful process (stupid pride). I have so many friends and family members I can ask for help. Who offer help when I need it most as I consistently refuse and try to manage on my own (which ultimately has me on my closet floor in a puddle of tears).

Now, I want to encourage everyone out there to be careful with this. You don't want to over-ask or be the "complaining friend" every time you come for a visit. 

It should be a blessing for them not a burden.

People can't take care of your kids every week and make meals and clean your house forever. Bummer, right? 

But during a difficult season, a time when you find yourself struggling more often than not, it is okay to ask for help. The season might be a difficult week, month, or even year. But it is just a season and the people who want to help during this time will be the type of people who will be there at the end of this season anyway.

It is okay to ask someone to help with your budgeting, homeschooling, chores, cooking, shopping, cleaning, or meal planning. It's okay to admit that you can't do it by yourself, that you need help. Even if that means, just having someone come visit you to keep YOU in check.

Wisdom and judgment need to be used when seeking help, but it can be very rewarding for you and your family when you allow yourself to need help from someone else.

The Lord has shown me so much of my pride in the last six months, and I am truly humbled at the love and grace God gives me through others. 

So, my message to you, my sister in stubbornness: I love you. I understand the battle for you. And God loves you and made you. You cannot live life on your own. You've been doing it long enough unsuccessfully. Ask God to reveal those in your life who LOVE you. Ask Him to forgive your pride and help you to be humble. And thank Him for helping you all these years and for providing loving people in your life. Take a deep breath and practice saying these words. "Can you please help me?"

And remember to not only say thank you, but return the love when someone else needs it. 

adopting a child & six tools that help

(Source)

Adoption is such an awesome opportunity to take in a child that needs a home and love that child with a life-saving love. However, many people have no idea what the adoption process is like before entering into it. I know I didn't.

Adoption is a big topic with many different types to it. There are open adoptions (where the birth family is involved in the child's life), closed adoption (where the birth family has no contact), adoption at birth (adopting young babies), and adopting children or youth. There are also sub categories of learning, mental, or physical disabilities, and many other types of behavioral issues or past struggles of the child that you can choose. You can adopt within your state, country, or choose international adoption. You also might adopt a relative, a child in foster care, or an orphan (child from an orphanage) whom you may have or haven't met.


Already, it's more complicated than most of you thought. :) I know it was for me.
There are many misconceptions about adoption. Here are some of the false ideas floating around:

• It's an easy process.
• It's better than bringing more children into the world.
• It's easy to adjust with time.
• The child will love you.
• The child will be happy to be adopted. 
• You are saving this child from a terrible life.

There are other false ideas regarding the uniqueness of your family, whether or not you have other children, provide foster care, etc. But we'll stick to these basic ideas listed.

• The truth is adoption is a long, exhausting process and isn't final until the judge rules in your favor and actually signs the documents. 
• Adoption is not better or worse than having your own child rather it is completely different and can be more or less difficult depending on how quickly and easily you can get pregnant. 
• The adjustment period takes years for both parent and child, depending on the age and situation of the child. 
• The child (ages 2-17) might not love you right away but rather fear you (in an unhealthy and unavoidable way) and may go through a honeymoon period before showing their insecurities. 
• The child might not understand that you have given them a new, better life (this might come many years later). They might even miss their life of abuse or neglect and often wish they could return.
• And YOU are not saving this child from a terrible life, rather you are providing them a new life where they can process their past that is still very much a part of them. It should be stated that their healing and salvation can only come from Jesus Christ, which hopefully they will learn and believe in your new, safe, loving environment.

Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful calling, outlined in scripture, as a priority for God's church.  And the reason I write this is NOT to discourage anyone from adopting but rather PREPARE you for what you will feel, think, and experience when you adopt your sweet little one.

This article is mostly written for those of you wanting to adopt a child (ages 2-17), however, many babies who are adopted can grow to experience issues and complications because of their birth family, health during their pregnancy, generational sin, or become confused about their identity.

My daughter was a family member in foster care who had a closed adoption at the age of 8 yo. She was in and out of foster care homes for over six years, including my home. I won't go into specific details about her because it's not my story to tell but rather keep to the basic information from my mama-perspective. It is probably not the same situation as yours, however, these tools are precious pieces of information that I have found to not only work but bless my family. And I hope that in whatever stage of the adoption process, or in whatever unique situation your child is, that you can be encouraged and equipped with what you need in order to get through your day. (my mama-policy is one day at a time and some days one hour at a time)

Six Precious Gems I Learned from Adopting

1. Looking at Your Child as Chosen & Set Apart
I believe that God is in control of all things; that He has planned for and knows all things and that what He has planned is good.
He has planned for and knows my child. And what He has planned for my child is good.
Remembering who God is and how He works when my fears and concerns sneak in helps when my little one continues to disobey and dishonor me as her parent; when we, as parents, are up against the "unknown" of the situation.

With our birth children, we know almost everything they're exposed to. If they have a scratch on their arm, we can usually figure out the when, where, why and how of the injury.
With adopted children, we can know some details but we weren't really there. We have only precious pieces of information about their past. We usually don't know all of the "where they were, who they were with, how, when, or why it happened". And for anyone who's been there, you know that this can be very frustrating as a parent. Out of love, you just wish you knew what your child was up against.

However, resting in the fact that God knows everything and was there with your child, watching and feeling everything with your child, helps you as a parent be able to direct your child through their memories, hurts, and questions. And while teaching them that God was with them, you're leading them back to Him.
He has a plan for your child's hurts. This is so important for your child to know. And for you to remember.
I have had to actually chant this out loud in my bathroom at times. In the mirror. Over and over again.

If God has planned for your child to be in your care, this means He has rescued your child in a way that many children never see or experience. :( He has a plan for you to raise up this child for His glory. You have to hold on to this belief. He doesn't make mistakes and doesn't carelessly make decisions. You have been chosen for this task by the Lord, Almighty. The task of teaching your child about God's love and salvation through His Son. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for His divine plan.

Now, manage your expectations of this. You and your child have been chosen and set apart for something in God's will. However, we don't know what that something is. Just because you believe in God's sovereignty and your child was adopted into your family doesn't mean your child will not struggle with the difficulties of their identity and history. However, it means as an example to your child YOU can rest in the fact that God has been working longer than you have even KNOWN your child and loves your child more than you do. It means you can teach your child about His sovereignty and love in working out all the details for your child to now have a safe and loving home. And you can have faith that God will continue to be sovereign and loving in the future. You can trust Him.

2. Giving Opportunity to Process
The truth is that many times throughout your normal week, your child could be reminded of past hurts any number of times. You usually can't tell what's wrong but you know something is there. You can see it in their face, behavior, or even hear it in words. It's the way they are acting or speaking that tells you something is off.

It's important to not ignore what God might be pointing out to you.

I've even just felt something in my soul (thank You, Holy Spirit) that I needed to go talk with my child. That something was going on that may or may not need to be discussed but definitely needs to be allowed.
The issue is that your child needs to know that you care and that you'll make time for them if they need to talk. Not to be confused with them being in trouble or that they are a burden in your busy schedule.
So many times I would walk into discussions frustrated and emotional because deep down, I don't want my child to have any issues. I don't want them to struggle.
The truth was, my frustration as a parent was coming from what I knew had happened and all the times I wish I could have rescued them. And while it's right to be hurt, frustrated, or sad, we also need to remind ourselves and our child that life is full of struggle and its how we handle the struggle that directs our next few steps in life. And also that God uses that hurt in a glorious way!

I don't want my child to be bitter and unforgiving, so I can't be bitter and unforgiving.
I want my child to be open and honest in the right timing, so I need to be open and honest in the right timing.
I'd love for my child to be thankful and meditate on the good things in their life now, so guess what I need to do?...the list goes on.
And while they may need time and patience from you to process their thoughts and memories, also life needs to keep going. We can't allow our child (or ourselves) to be too distracted by the past. Perhaps have a memory-time out, or a five minute share time ending with a hug or prayer. Whatever you choose to allow as a safe place and time to discuss things, make sure you have an end in sight. Help your child learn how to process who they are, who they were, and who they might become. Talk about their WHOLE story.

In my family, some of our most personal discussions end with fun dreams of the future.

3. Going Back to the Abuse & Calling it Out
For many years, children can show anxiety in a certain situation or maybe they get angry or manipulative. Some of this is normal with childhood, but you know your child's normal amount from the over-the-top amount. This is a situation that you can easily step aside with your kiddo and say, "Hey, I see that you're acting this way. This is what I've noticed...What do you think?" and explain to them that you've seen a pattern and it might be because of _________ from their past. Help them understand why they are acting in a way that even they don't like. Or ask them what they think about it. Maybe they see it too. Just make sure you give them a structured time of talking about it. Let them know ahead of time, you need to only talk for a couple minutes. With the tone of your voice, make them aware that they are not in trouble but you just want to be alone with them for a minute.

I love when our cute little ones share really inappropriate stories in the middle of your Christmas dinner with family and friends. Or when they wait until you're just about to leave and go somewhere and choose THAT moment to want to process their past. Or, my favorite, the very minute they are in trouble for something, using their past stories to try and get out of consequences of wrong choices.
Now, some of this is normal with all children, but some discussions with your sweet adopted child might go in a direction you never anticipated.

It's so important to be the parent. While being available is important, that doesn't mean your child runs the show. If they want to talk to you about something in a moment when you have three minutes left on the timer for dinner, maybe NOW is not the best time.
Simple-fix: ask them if this can wait until later (pick a specific time) and maybe they can go write down what they want to talk to you about. Or draw a picture. (I have almost burned down the house having discussions with my family numerous times, remember to turn the oven OFF) Help them not to forget what they want to say, but let them know that you "making time" for them doesn't mean "all the time" or "anytime".

When the sharing comes, it's important that you call a spade a spade. My approach has always been to be as honest as possible with their understanding and developmental age. If your child knows what truth and lie mean, they will figure out which one comes out of your mouth...be careful.

Again, keep it age-appropriate people.
If your little one isn't sleeping well, don't scare the daylights out of them with stories of police, jail time, and abuse. Especially in the evening time. Remember to use descriptions that they give, (scary, hurtful, mean, etc.) but give reasons why people act the way they do. Maybe their mom and dad made poor choices, didn't have a good family of support, were addicts, were young, went to jail, etc. You don't have to discuss every detail but whatever you tell them, it should be honest. As they grow older, they will want to know more and more truth. This is unavoidable. Tell them pieces and tell them you will share more with them when they are older.

Also, give them a story of hope every time. Remember the Bible; it's illustrations and history are very helpful in giving your child a different visual in the discussion. Most of the bad situations in their past were caused by sin.  Hope is found in the fact that we are ALL sinners and need a Savior. The solution for sin is found in Jesus. He was the only sinless human being and it is okay to talk about others sin in order to learn from it and repent from our own. Help your child learn about God from their past.

And a warning: If you are lying to your child in any way, there is consequence to lying. Trust comes with honesty. If you sometimes tell the truth, they will sometimes trust you. Period. Maybe there can be forgiveness with a lie you've told, but it is my experience that at the end of the day my child knows that everything I've ever said to her is what I really believe and live by. Including I love you.

4. Redeeming What is Lost with What We Have
Sometimes you will see your child struggling and hope appears to be momentarily lost. It feels like you missed out on time with your kiddo. Your relationship doesn't go back to the beginning and you haven't been there for them in the hardest times of their life. Your child has trust issues and struggles to find joy and part of their childhood innocence has been robbed.

However, for all that was lost, there is an answer of hope.

We have the Lord on our side. Remember how He set you and your child apart for His divine purpose? Well, in that, we have Him on our side with His power and Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

The Lord can work mightily in giving your child the right kind of time with you and your family. He can give your child security in Him which helps your little one trust you more. He can give your child joy and innocence in the same way He gives it to you. You may feel and see what is lost but God can make up for all of that.

As you lean on the Lord to find the right way of parenting your child, you'll see Him work in helping you decide the right boundaries for your kiddo. Boundaries in your home, with your family, with others, etc. that enable your child to feel safe and taken care of. You will see how God can restore all the hurt and pain with love and strength. And while your child might have a unique story, God also gives them a feeling of being just like other children.

The last thing your child wants is to be different from everyone else because of their past. Being different in a "brilliant with science" kinda way is fun; being different in an "unable to socialize" kinda way is NOT fun.
Speak life into your children. Use positive words that encourage them. Compare them to others and yourself in their struggle and help them to feel like "part of the family"; like their issues are nothing new, because let's be honest, they're not.

The Bible says we are all adopted as God's children. We all have a past. We can relate with our kiddos. If your sweet little one is struggling, tell them to join the club! :)

Whatever you or your kiddo are struggling with, you have everything you need to help them! You have the Lord, His Spirit, His Son, and His Word. You have compassion, patience, love, and hope because of how God has adopted you. Whatever was lost, can be found again in the gospel.

5. Choosing Your Support Wisely 
Alright, we all need someone to talk, pray, cry, laugh, and relax with. Be careful to do this with the RIGHT person. Talking about your journey in motherhood is completely fine, even the deep, dark stuff that scares you. However, remember there are consequences to talking too much and to the wrong people.

Choose a Godly girlfriend who loves you and your child. It might be that your spouse is great support at times, but also he might be struggling just as much as you. There are times to share in your journey together in your marriage. There are also times to reach out for a different perspective that is not as intimately connected to the situation as you are.

Talk about your family to someone who can be trusted with the information. Someone who wants the best for you and your family. Someone who loves Jesus and will give you love and truth without judgment.

You might find it difficult to find a sitter if you do nothing but bash your children to every friend or family member you have. The goal is to find one or two special friends you can go to for the moments you are weak or lost and be strengthened in wisdom and truth. These relationships can help see you through a difficult season but require a sincere heart from you that wants answers. Not just a whiny heart that wants sympathy. (no judgment here, we all have out pity party moments)

Parenting is not easy in any situation. Adding variables like adoption, foster care, abuse, etc. do not help. However, there are people who have gone before you. There are even stories of adoption in scripture. You probably won't find someone in your exact situation but you can pray for someone who has the same heart for your situation as you do.

God will provide the support you need. Remember there will be times when He purposefully makes everyone unavailable because He wants to be your go-to. Examine your situation and go to the Lord first. He will give you comfort, peace, truth, and love without judgment in a way no one else can.

6. Having Faith & Waiting on Him
Finally, my favorite, the lesson that God taught me most recently--have faith and wait for Him. I never thought of motherhood as a journey of strengthening my faith until the last couple of years. It finally dawned on me (thank You, Holy Spirit), maybe the whole point of being a mother is to sanctify me?! Duh.
We all have seen God work over time and know examples of something that once frustrated us and later turned into a blessing that God was planning.

A seed of His sovereignty, as I like to call it. :)

He shows us these unfolded truths and blessings so we can trust Him and wait upon Him for His goodness.

When our child is defying our authority and testing our patience, or showing a behavior that could turn into a dangerous habit, we have a moment of panic (just being honest). But turn your panic into prayer and all of the sudden God shows you more of His mercy and grace than you have ever experienced. He can give your heart assurance and peace if you look back to Him and how He works. Taking your eyes off of your child and putting them back on the Lord.

Some of the things your child might struggle with are completely new to you. But God is sovereign. And He has seen it all. Maybe He will give you another adult who can minister to your child, maybe He will give you words of wisdom beyond your experience. Whatever He does, He will take care of your child. Looking to Him is the only thing you can do to give yourself rest and peace as a mother. 

Trust in His plan. The situation might frustrate our flesh, but learn to relax in His goodness and love.

And in the meantime, as we still have to live with and take care of our little ones, learn that having faith means lightening up.
Trusting in the Lord is not easy or natural. But the Spirit of God can help us to really trust Him and enjoy the parts of motherhood that used to be consumed with worry and frustration.

Complete this day out of love for the Lord. Out of a grateful heart for what He has done in you and your life, live in worship of Him. Praise Him for protecting, rescuing, and providing for your child so that they could be a part of your family. Praise Him for always being available to you as a mama, and for knowing the ins and outs of your precious child. Just this day, worship Him. Take on tomorrow when you wake up tomorrow. Today, just believe that He is doing something profound and amazing and go enjoy your life.

Waiting for the Lord shouldn't be stressful. If we believe He will work, and trust in His plan, then we should go out and enjoy our family while remembering that He's got this figured out.

Go have fun with your family, living life and sharing in honesty. There will be times of sadness, but it's nice that we can be sad together. We can be mad and imperfect together and let God be amazing through our hurts.

You and your child are perfectly positioned in this life by God. You are not a mistake and neither is your family. God didn't mess up. Wait and see.